Never Been Kissed: A Never Been Novel (23 page)

I
did that. I made him like that.

I really, really wish Matty went to bed early. Like
now
.

Hunter nips at my mouth, little stings that he soothes with his tongue, angry and sorry
at the same time.

We both pull back, panting. I’m trying to decide if I want to sit down, or run to his bedroom and scream: ‘
Have your way with me!’
before Matty decides for us.

“I’m starving. Where is the food? It isn’t broccoli again, is it?”

Hunter puts a hand on my neck, under my loose hair, cradling the back of my head. “Yeah, it is. And you’re going to eat it, Matty.”

“No, I won’t. I
hate
broccoli. It’s like a tiny tree. We’re eating tiny trees! I’m not a giraffe! I want spaghetti with tomato sauce.” Matty says, stalking to his seat and plopping himself down.

“Tony Stark eats broccoli. That’s how he got so smart.” I’m pretty sure this isn’t true, but I’m bribing the kid into eating vegetables. Parenting 101.

“I’ve never seen him,” Matty says, crossing his arms over his chest, and notching his chin up. Defiant, to the end.

I let Hunter hold me for as long as he wants to. Even then, I won’t let him go. I like this too much. I could never play hard to get, hugs and kisses from Hunter MacLaine are wo
rth worshipping the Empire for.

“Well, yeah. Why would they show Tony sitting at home eating veggies? People wanna see him fighting crime, blowing up aliens and making fun of Cap. You don’t get smart eating pasta for the rest of your
life. It’s a scientific fact.”

“You’re a scientific fact!” Matty shouts, b
anging his fists on the table.

Hunter tenses in my arms. “Kid, if you don’t eat your supper, then you aren’t getting anythin
g else.”

Matty has a triumphant grin on his face.
Click.
Oh, frak, what a little genius.

I step forward, keeping his present behind my back
, moving out of Hunter’s arms. “You know, little man, you can’t let your body get tired because you don’t want to eat vegetables. It’s not fun when you’re tired is it? Even if you get to eat chocolate and candy so you don’t get tired anymore, huh?”

His mouth drops open like I’ve just read every thought he’s ever had. He has to work on his Occlumency.

“I...but I want to have what the other kids have. They can have juice with lunch, and I can’t. They can have brownies for dessert, and all I get is crackers. I don’t like crackers, Sera. They taste like sand.”

I nod, even if my heart hurts. He just wants to be normal, he just
wants to be like everyone else.

“How about you keep eating right, and I can start making you special muffins for you to take to school with you? Only for you and nobody else?”

“Can you put some chocolate in them?”

I think about this. “Yes. I can. Now sit up properly because I have a present for you.
I got you the most amazingest t-shirt in the history of t-shirts.”

Matty slaps his hands over his eyes, and I know when he moves them, there’ll be red marks on his face. I wince and move my hand from behind my back, totally ignoring the fact that Hunter has let go of me, and gone quiet.

I unfurl the shirt, and show it to the little kid, shaking out my now cast-free hand. I tell him what it says, and feel a little crestfallen when his reaction isn’t everything that I hoped for.

“On the weekend, I’m going to show you what a Jedi is, and how it’s so
so
cool to be one.”

Matty tilts his head to the side. “Sera, you’re weird.” He shrugs and leaps off his chair to give my legs a hug. “Thank you. Blue is my favouri
te color.”

“Yeah, Sera. You’re weird.” Four words said in a dead voice. I turn to look at Hunter, whose eyes have gone cold and whose face looks at me l
ike I’m some kind of stranger.

 

Hunter grabs my upper arm in a gentle hold and almost drags me to his bedroom. Again, I see those hand-drawn pictures, and search for my face once more in the graffiti that takes u
p the entirety of his far wall.

Oh. My. God.

He’s taken to drawing more of me, more portraits of my face in different thoughts and moods. His talent is pure and beautiful, and the lines he’s used to capture who I am on the paper makes me see what he sees.

And I don’t know what I did wrong.
If
I did wrong.

“You think I can’t fucking afford to buy the kid a goddamn t-shirt, Sera?” Hunter shouts after he closes the bedroom door. The blue in his eyes is frosty, instead of the warm navy when he usually looks at me. His face is taut, cheekbones standing out, and the muscle along his jaw ticks like its keeping time. He gets in my space, forcing me back against the wall so two of his thick arms cage me on either side.

No. Just no.

“What
are you talking about? I saw it, and I wanted to buy it for him, alright? I didn’t buy him a fraking nuclear launch code, Hunter!” I yell, ducking underneath his arms and going for the door. Before opening it, my stomach hollows out and it’s a struggle to breathe. “You need to learn to let others do things for you, or you’re going to be one lonely mother
ducker
, MacLaine! Set the table for two. I’m done here.”

Heart splintering down the middle, I wave bye to Matty, and launch out the door, keys already in hand to get into my place. I ignore the phone calls and let them go to
voicemail. Ditto on the texts.

God, I’m so sick of being yelled at, of being told I do everything wrong. All I wanted to do was do something nice for a kid I love. Was that so wrong? No, no it fraking wasn’t.

I bum around my apartment, watching TV without seeing it, and not even Dean Winchester’s ‘
son of a bitch!’
can get me laughing.

I don’t want to call Katie, since it feels like failure. My heart hurts, and I don’t know what happened. Maybe I should go over there and ask what’s up his ass, but I won’t out of principle. I’m not going to let him get away with getting pissed at me for no
fraking reason.

And if he does, well then, I’m moving in with Katie and that’s that. I didn’t leave behind my family to live next door to my first love who’s also going to treat
me like I’m garbage. Fuck that.

Pounding on the door two hours later; I ignore it, too. Ditto the simultaneous phone calls to the pounding on the door, and even the texts that soon come after. I need to stew in it, and think clearly.

I leave a half hour early for work the next morning so I don’t even see a glimpse of that
asshole
who
I love
, Hunter MacLaine and his son, Matty MacLaine. Jesus, that name is badass, and it’s not fair. Too bad he’s an asshole!

A sexy asshole. A swe
et asshole when he wants to be.

I turn off my cell phone and refuse to even stare at it (for more than ten seconds) and refuse to allow myself to ponder what the voicemails could hold, and what the texts say for no more than ten seconds at a time.

Picking up the phone as per usual and taking a swig of leftover coffee from the morning, I end up choking it back up and spitting it out into my cup.

“Don’t hang up on me, I’ve been spent all morning trying to fin
d your extension.” Hunter says.

My spine goes ramrod, and I stifle a gasp
.“I don’t want to talk to you, hence the not answering your calls or texts.”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid, Sera. I had a reaso
n for being pissed last night.”

Aware that I’m at work and personal phone calls are frowned upon, I try and keep my voice down and calm. “I don’t fraking care that you had a reason. You didn’t have to shout at me, and I won’t let you do it again,” I force the last words out as my throat has closed up. I’m going to need a bathroom break
to recover some of my dignity.

“No one’s ever taken care of us,” he whispers into the phone, and I can just see him on the other side of the line, head down, staring at his f
eet, shoulders hunched forward.

There. There it is. Tears bathe my eyes in warmth and I’m sure they’ve fallen to my cheeks by now. My chest aches, and I’d rather take a stab wound to the ribcage compared to this pain.

My breath whistles into the mic of the phone, cradling it as I am between my shoulder and neck, trying to get my paperwork in order. My hands and fingers won’t move, as I’m paralyzed at his words.

“No one’s ever gotten us anything as a gift, baby. You’re the first. And I was so fucking mad that yo
u did it, like it was charity-”

I’m about to burst in some logic but I don’t make it in time. I want to hear what he has to say.

“Like you felt sorry for us. I thought you noticed the clothes I have to buy Matty since my salary isn’t what I’ve come from. I try my best, you have to believe me. I do the best I can by him, and sometimes it’s not enough.”

I let my tears fall. My strong, brave Hunter sounds absolutely wrecked, desolate. I wish he was here right now, with me, so I can try and take some of it away.

“His jeans and shoes and shirts aren’t custom made. I can’t afford to spend money on brands and shit because we have to eat, and my car constantly has fucking problems with it, and I-” his voice cracks. “I started taking it out on you, like you were shoving it in my face, that I wasn’t good enough.”

I swallow the lump in my throat, still not ready
to speak. Hunter keeps going.

“I’m a fucking asshole, Sera. I tried to stay away from you, to keep you away from the hell my life is, what it’s become. You need a man who can take care of you, who can afford to let you stay at home with a house full of kids and you can do whatever you want. A man who can buy you all the nerdy shirts the internet has to offer.” He sighs, that bone-weary tone coming to his voice again. “I’m so tired of my life,” he admits, and I let out a hurt soun
d that he hears over the phone.

“I’m such a tool. Are you crying because of me? I’m sorry, Sera, Christ, I’m sorry. I won’t call you again.”
Hunter disconnects. I rush to the bathroom in the middle of phones ringing and the fax beeping every two seconds to swipe away the tears and make sure my mascara hasn’t gone and died on me. I blow my nose, and take deep breaths.

This is real life, and not eve
rything goes according to plan.

Real life is not a book. There are too many emotions in real life, too many experiences that can ever be captured in a single story.

I’m not prepared for this.

Not at all.

***

That afternoon, when I hear him and Matty walk in next door, I storm out of my place and open their door without even knocking. I didn’t even give Hunter the chance to lock it, I was so fast. The
Flash
would’ve been proud.

They both stop when they see me, so great is their surprise. Matty is midway from tearing all his laces off his shoes to get them off, and Hunt is behind the kitchen counter, washing hi
s hands from a hard day’s work.

“I need to talk to you,” I say, jabbing my finger in Hunter’s direction. I glance down at Matty and give him a little wave before ruffling his hair. I look back up at Hunter
and order, “In your room. Now.”

I act a lot braver than I feel. My heart hurts, and my
stomach’s in knots, and my asshole bladder really
really
wants me to pee, but this has to get done first.

When Hunter follows me from the kitchen into his room, I pat his mattress for him to sit down. He obliges and stares up at me. I do what feels right, even if it’s not the best solution out there.

I crawl into his lap, grab him around the shoulders and hug him, squeezing him with all my might. “You’re a jerk, Hunt. Frak, you’re a jerk. Why did you have to yell at me? You could’ve just told me what was on your mind, and I would’ve been okay with it.” I say into his ear, refusing to let go.

His arms wind around me slowly, like he’s afraid any sudden movements will scare me off.

“Just don’t give up on me.” He hugs me close and starts to rock back and forth, my strong, brave Hunter, holding me like I’m the only thing that can help him stand again. My throat hurts like I’ve gone and swallowed a hot poker, and my eyes and nose sting with unshed tears. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. You didn’t deserve that.”

I don’t say anything; we both know the answer, anyway.

The words I so desperately want to say to him rise up my throat; I can even taste them on my tongue. But I can’t say them, not yet. Not when he can easily throw me away.

“I told you I don’t know how to do this. I don’
t know how to treat you right.”

I frown. “Yes, you do. Couples get into arguments, some even nasty ones. My trigger is people yelling at me, I shut down when others do. I’ve been yelled at all my life. I can’t take it. And you, you Hunter, think you always have to do everything by yourself, and no matter what, it’ll never be good enough. That was never my intention. I just wanted to give him a gift.” I kiss the shell of his ear. “Doesn
’t mean we can’t make it work.”

I love you, Hunter MacLaine. Let me show you I do.

“You deserve-”

“Yeah,” I say, recalling his earlier comments. “Yeah, I deserve a man who can give me whatever I want. Well, I want a man to build me
bookshelves. Can you do that?”

His eyes are stark blue, but the color warms a bi
t, thaws when he answers “Yes.”

“I want a man who can watch movies with me and won’t tell me to shut up when I get too excited, or e
nd up crying. Can you do that?”

He nods, pulling me closer. I palm his face, that beautiful face that looks at me like I’m the
one that told the sun to shine.

“I want a man who comments on my nerdy shirts and allows me to give his kid a bit o
f nerd-flair. Can you do that?”

He nods again, the blue in his eyes br
ight with hope. I swallow hard.

“I want a man who will kiss me every morning because he knows how fraking lucky he i
s to have me. Can you do that?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

“I want a man who accepts my help when he needs it and even when he doesn’t. I want a man who knows that I’m never going to make fun of him or think less of him because of what his life has made him into. Can you do that?”

Hunter’s quiet for a long time. I count the seconds
with my heartbeats. “I’ll try.”

I smile at him, watch his face soften a
s his face gets closer to mine.

“Can I kiss you now?”

“You can kiss me anytime you want,” I tell him.

His mouth hovers on mine, stretching out the ache I’ve had for him all day. My hands go to his scalp, feeling the bristles of hair run along my palms. I shiver in his lap, and bring my body even closer to his so we’re flush –
abs to abs, and chest to chest.

I love you, Hunter MacLaine
.

Hunter kisses me long
and deep, slow and sweet until I can’t breathe without him tasting me, licking me. I want to touch, I want to taste but now’s not the right time or the right place – even if we’re on his bed.

Hunter pulls back firs
t, fingers biting into my hips.

He pants, and licks me off his lips slowly, like he’s savouring the taste. My belly drops out, and my panties flush with wetness. When he opens his eyes, he’s my Hunter again and not the man from yesterday morning, or the one from a second ago holding onto me like I’m the only thing keeping him alive.

“Thank you for buying Matty that t-shirt. You didn’t have to do that.”

I kiss him again, because I can. I sip at his bottom lip, allowing my teeth to run along the edge, enough for him to growl at me and kis
s me deeper, longer, more hungry. We’re totally making out on his bed. With his kid just outside the door.