Losing Control (8 page)

Fawn felt the old familiar urge to
wallow in grief. She realized it was jealousy that drove her mother to strike,
but she was conditioned to obey, and surrender. That kind of brainwashing was
very hard to fight.

“Then surrender to me,” Taury told
her after she explained her feelings. “Let me fight it for you.”

“No, this is something I have to do
on my own. But I’ll let them stew a bit. I say them, because Dad always listens
in on the extension, though he rarely speaks. Since the divorce I’ve been a
pariah to him. They’ll apologize eventually, if they want to see me badly enough.
And if they don’t, well, then I guess I’ll know just how little they love me.”

“I’ll make it up to you. I’ll love
you so much that no one else could ever compare their feelings to mine!”

“But I’m not sure I want that,
Taury.”

They were lying on the daybed,
resting after a long hot day of painting and a cool, light supper on the patio.
Now the sun was settling into a blanket of melon-colored clouds, banked
underneath by a dark blue sky full of squinting stars.

“What do you mean? Are you tired of
me already?”

“Oh, no! Of course not! I’m just
fearful of having that sort of all-encompassing passion. Like my grandmother
and grandfather had. It excluded everyone else from their lives, including my
poor mother. And she still is damaged from it. Her damage spilled over into my
life. I don’t want that for my kids!”

“Do you want kids?”

“I always thought I did. But of
course I can’t have any. I tried so hard for such a long time. All I got were
miscarriages and sadness. I don’t think I could go through all that again.”

“No one said you had to. I’m
satisfied with the way things are. If we’re meant to have kids, we will,
eventually.”

“You really believe in destiny?”

“Sure, it’s never failed me yet.”

She snuggled into his arms, kissed
him gently; admired his shadowy features close up.

“You’re a wonder, Taury. An enigma, I
guess I could say. How’d you get so wise, so young in life?”

“I’m not wise; most of the time I’m
scared too death on the inside. But I figure if I put on an act of knowing who I
am and what I’m doing then people will believe it’s true.”

“Is all this with me just an act,
too?”

“You know it isn’t.”

“Yeah, I do.”

They kissed for a long while. The sun
drifted below the clouds; their colors deepened, faded to black in the new
night sky.

“Let’s sleep out here tonight,” Taury
whispered. “I’ve been wanting to since I first saw you lying here that day.”

“Are you sure you mean sleep?”

He laughed. “Well, we can sleep,
afterwards.”

He began the ritual eagerly, tossed
off his shoes and jeans and began to strip her of her purple tank top and denim
shorts. Underneath he was surprised to find the leopard print teddy she’d
bought at the mall. It was the first time she’d worn it, and she made sure he
hadn’t seen her put it on.

“Beautiful!” he hissed sweetly as his
mouth slid over the silky fabric from her breasts to her crotch.

A rectangle of light from the guest
room window framed them as they moved over each other. It cast an amber glow on
their skin, gave them the surreal look of a painting in motion.

The teddy came off quickly, losing a
button along the way. Then they were bare to the cool sea breezes; their skin
rippling in goose bumps. But they were oblivious to it, swept up in the passion
once more.

Fawn opened herself up to him so
easily now. She couldn’t believe how every time seemed better than the last.
She savored the taste of his skin, salty and sweet, too. It was thrilling to
watch him move over her in the shadows, like the blond snake in her fantasy.
Her breaths came short and fast; the wonderful tightening began within her.

“Ready?” he whispered hoarsely.

“Yes. Oh, yes!”

He was about to rise up over her when
she flinched in a fit of sudden, excruciating pain.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, bending
down towards her face.

“It’s fine, just a cramp; I’ve had
them before.”

“Oh, it’s that time? Should we stop?”

“Well, maybe we should, if you don’t
mind.”

“It’s okay. I’m here for you as more
than a lover. I hope you realize that.”

“I do. But let me take care of your …
um … situation, should I say? I’m more than willing.”

He smiled, nodded his head. Fawn
moved her mouth quickly to the dark silhouette between his thighs. She forgot
any sense of pain or discomfort, lost in the sweetness of him.

He slid his hand downward, began to
slowly move his fingers inside her in just the right way. Fawn gasped, started
quivering – in moments she was up, and easing her body over his. They shook
together then collapsed onto the daybed. Something cracked; the mattress fell
to the porch floor. Fawn screamed.

They realized what had happened and
laughed till tears ran down their cheeks.

“Oh, my bed! It’s ruined!”

“Don’t worry, it was just the slats.
I can get new ones. Did the pain go away?”

“Yeah, I think it was frightened out
of me!”

Fawn laughed again, but deep down she
was worried. The pain she had felt was nothing new. She’d been experiencing it
on and off for a week. And it wasn’t cramps – she hadn’t had a period in
months. But she wasn’t - couldn’t – be pregnant. Sure, she reasoned with
herself that she should go to a doctor but the thought of dealing with all that
again unnerved her. She’d been in too many waiting rooms, had too many pills
and tests and prickings and pokings. Still, she realized it couldn’t go on. For
her sake, and Taury’s, she had to find the courage to make an appointment,
soon.

NINE

The next day Taury and Fawn decided
to take a break from renovating and just lounge around the bungalow. They
rented a bunch of old horror classics and locked themselves in to watch them.
By afternoon they were blurry-eyed and needing a bit of fresh air so they
headed out to the side yard for a tanning session.

Taury was wearing his black Tai Chi
shorts and nothing else. Fawn had on the magenta-pink bikini she’d bought at
the mall.

He finally admitted he had seen Fawn
that first day when she had bravely stepped out nude in the sun. He hadn’t
meant to – he’d been on his way up to see the Finches and spied her from a gap
in the hedges.

“I have to tell you I needed a cold
shower after that!” he laughed.

“I’m glad you waited until now to
tell me. I can imagine how mortified I would have been if I’d known then.”

“Well, how do you feel about it now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Would it bother you if we stripped
down for a sunbath?”

“Now?”

“No better time!”

“What about the gap in the hedges?”

“I’ll cover it up.”

He walked over, took a tall, white
Adirondack chair and placed it in front of the gap.

“How’s that?”

“Well, if someone really wanted to
look they could still see.”

“And who would? George and Molly are
in Los Angeles at a luncheon for British ex-pats.”

“Oh, that’s right.”

“So, are you game?”

“Well…”

“I’ll go first.”

He yanked off the black shorts, laid
down on a large blue and white striped beach towel. Fawn felt a rush of tingles
go up and down her body.

“I forgot the baby oil!”

She hurried into the bungalow,
grabbed a bottle of organic almond-scented baby oil from the kitchen counter.
She always used it to moisturize her skin when she was sunbathing.

Back outside, she handed Taury the
bottle and shyly slipped off her bikini top and bottom, watching him rise to
attention at the sight of her.

“Lie down.” he said softly. “I’ll oil
you up.”

She couldn’t help but giggle as he
slathered the oil on her from face to toe. Then he gave her the bottle, and she
did the same to him. Afterwards they both rolled over and oiled each other’s
backsides. Taury got carried away, began to massage Fawn’s buttocks. Then he
pulled them apart, and entered her from behind. She gasped in delight. For once
the pain kept quiet, allowed her to enjoy the new experience. She came without
him even manipulating her, just from the sheer power of his movements. He held
off until he was certain she was ready then he exploded within her. Fawn
squirmed beneath him, jutting her hips up to increase the wonderful, oily
friction till she could take no more.

Once they were spent they sprawled
next to each other on the giant towel and let the warm breezes wash over their
slick, rippling skin. The sky above was perfectly blue, not a cloud anywhere.
The sun was lazy and gentle. They became still, listening to each other
breathe. The rhythmic swoosh of the ocean filled the air, accompanied by the
chatter of birds and the laughter of children far down the beach. Fawn closed
her eyes, tried to capture the moment and file it away in her mind. It was
something she wanted to be able to bring out and relive over and over.

“A fifty for your thoughts,” Taury
said, his voice so unexpected, it snapped her out of her reverie.

“A fifty? Is inflation that bad?”

“Probably, but really, your thoughts
are worth more … to me, anyway.”

“You’re sweet. I was thinking about
how good we are, and how I never want to take you or the time we have together
for granted.”

“I was thinking the same thing!
Fawn,” he paused, rose up to face her, “let’s get married, right away! We could
drive down to Mexico, or fly to some exotic place. Wherever you want to go …
just let’s do it today!”

She was overwhelmed. “Today? But
that’s impossible. There are all sorts of plans that would have to be made. I
mean, I don’t care about a fancy wedding. I had that; the church, the big
reception, the whole, expensive ritual. I honestly hated every second of it!
I’d settle for the two of us on a beach somewhere with three or four close
friends and a preacher! But aren’t there rules to be followed? Or at least a
license to be bought?”

“We can work that out on the way.”

“But why the sudden rush? Has
something happened?”

“I keep getting this feeling that if
we don’t get married now we might never have the chance again.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. But let’s do this
right! I’ll go down and shower and you get all dolled up. Maybe wear that red
dress you bought. We’ll hit the town; have a real, romantic date. Then I’ll …
well, I won’t give it away. I want you to be surprised. See you in awhile!”

He pulled on his shorts, headed down
the hill. Fawn tried to catch her breath but Taury was like some sort of
benevolent tornado, snatching up everything in his path.

She shook her head, smiled and rushed
into the bungalow.

Dinner was a five star affair in one
of the best - and costliest – restaurants in Malibu. Fawn wore the red sundress
and matching heels, as he had requested. Taury, dressed in a wickedly handsome
gray suit, ordered everything, and his taste far exceeded his years. Caviar,
champagne, quail, asparagus – all things decadent and rich were on their
gold-rimmed plates and in their crystal goblets. For dessert the uppity waiter
brought a sinful dark chocolate mousse. Fawn tasted it and moaned with
pleasure.

“Is it as good as me?” Taury asked,
playing.

“Oh, no, nothing is as good as you,
Candyman.”

He laughed, kissed her hand.

“It’s time for my surprise. Ready?”

“Here? I don’t think I’m that
adventurous!”

He laughed again. “There’s a thought!
But it hadn’t occurred to me, I’m sorry to say. I was talking about this.”

He stood, bent down on one knee,
pulled a tiny black suede box out of his pocket.

“Fawn, will you do me the honor of
becoming my wife?”

She could see the earnestness in his
eyes. This was no longer the time for joking or being coy. Fawn felt a single
tear roll down her powdered cheek.

“How could I say no?”

“I think you’re supposed to say yes.”