First Love (Complicated Love Book 1) (2 page)

I don’t want a fancy, huge wedding at the Hilton. I want an intimate ceremony on the beach. I don’t want a five-course meal, but they think a lavish dinner is a must because I want an evening wedding. Their wish list is longer than mine, which is maddening. I simply can’t take much more.

I should be able to plan my wedding my way, damn it. They had their chances when they got married. Now, it’s my turn. Brian and I have discussed eloping. The only thing stopping us is being disowned by our mothers. Fighting their every whim is getting to us though. Things are coming to a head, reaching a boiling point, and someone’s going to snap from all of this stress. Up until now, we’ve allowed our moms to control our lives, but it needs to stop. Unfortunately, I have a more difficult time standing up to them than Brian does.

He hates that I give in to their every whim, but I don’t want to cause a problem. I hate being involved in conflict. We can’t really say anything because we don’t want to hurt their feelings and lose their help with planning our wedding. If that happened, Brian would get a lot of shit from his dad for upsetting his mom. They have done so much for us, but being bullied is frustrating. I know that isn’t their intent, but that’s how I feel.

Finally, after coming to a somewhat easy decision on invitations, I tell Mom I have a lunch date with Brian I can’t cancel and then leave for his office. I don’t actually have a date, but I’m going to surprise him. We need some spontaneity back in our lives. Lately, all of our time has been devoted to school, work, or wedding planning. Where’s the fun in that?

Hopefully, he’s not stuck in a meeting. I need someone who understands what it’s like to be around “The Moms.”  This is one of those times I wish my best friend, Shawna, still lived close by instead of in California. She knows me and what I need. I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without her. But, since she isn’t here, I’m going to Brian because I know he’ll hold me and tell me that everything will be all right and our big day will be here sooner than we think. Every once in a while, a lady needs her man to hold her and comfort her. Today would be one of those days for me. I don’t bitch to him too much because then he’ll say something to our moms. Although they don’t listen to me, they listen to him. Then they give me shit for running to him for backup. They’re always saying, “Women should stick together.”

As I make my way toward Brian’s office, it’s unusually quiet, and his secretary, Janice, isn’t at her desk.

Janice is always at her post, controlling access to Brian’s office. She’s like a guard dog, one you slip by only after you’ve tossed it a steak stuffed with sleeping pills. She especially likes to make me wait. She acts as though she’s busy and stalls forever before letting Brian know I’m there. She doesn’t like me, and her dislike has only worsened since he proposed.

Janice has never hidden the fact that she wants Brian. Although she’s in her late thirties or early forties, she thinks she can win him over. I’ve talked to him about her, but he reassures me I have nothing to worry about. I trust Brian, but because my dad cheated on my mom and his dad still cheats on his mom… Well, I know that women can be so tempting when they want someone. And Janice wants my man.

Without Janice around, though, I can surprise Brian by arriving unannounced. As I approach the door, I hear sounds, which assures me he’s in his office, but I’m so excited about surprising him that I don’t process what I’m hearing. I push the door open, and the sight before me physically sickens me. All I can see is Brian furiously pumping into Janice, his face buried between her breasts.

Janice moans. “Harder, Brian. Right there. Don’t stop.” She looks at me with a smirk that says, I got the man after all.

   For a split second, I’m frozen. I can’t move. I don’t know whether to run away or yell at Brian for cheating when he promised he would never do that to me. I can’t bear to witness the ecstasy on her face any longer. The moans of pleasure from Janice, the sound of their bodies slapping together, the grunts from Brian and the look in Janice’s eyes, which says she knows this will haunt me for years to come.

My heart leaps into my throat. I can’t swallow. My chest is constricting. I can’t breathe. Hot tears blind me, and I swipe at them, hoping to clear my vision. The black tile floor whizzes by as I dash for the elevator. Away from the man I love. Even the whooshing of the brass-plated doors can’t pull me out of my fog. I’m not aware of the ride down to the lobby. I only know I need to get out of the building as fast as I can.

The images are burned into my head.

What the fuck was that?

How long has he been cheating on me?

I should go back and confront him, but my heart’s pounding so fast that I don’t know if I could get the words out. What if I’m not strong enough and I fall right back into his arms like my mother did with my father and my future mother-in-law does with Brian’s father, Brian Sr.? How could he do this to me? I shouldn’t have believed him when he said I didn’t have to worry about Janice. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I love him and you trust your significant other, but I should’ve gone with my gut instinct. The instinct that said he’s cut from the same cloth as his father.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I need to get away. I can’t stay here and let him convince me to stay while he continues to lie and cheat, and I can’t let him talk me into believing that what I saw was an accident or even a one-time thing. He doesn’t deserve me.

I gave him my all, and this is how he treats me?

I don’t know how I’ll ever trust another man again. From my experience, all men are lying, cheating assholes. Brian Sr. cheated, and he still cheats. My own dad cheated on my mom. Yes, my parents had trouble earlier in their marriage, but in my eyes, that doesn’t excuse the breach of trust. Even if I don’t know all the details, cheating isn’t okay in my book.

Come to think of it now, I really am surrounded by assholes pretending to be men. 

***

Finally, it’s time to take Shawna up on her offer to go to California for a visit, especially now that I’m unsure if I have anything holding me here. Hopefully, she’ll be around. While sitting at a red light, I debate calling her, but my parents would be livid if I used the car phone. It’s for emergencies only, and calling her over this wouldn’t be an emergency in their eyes. Doesn’t matter if my life is falling apart or my heart is breaking. I can only use the phone to call them or 911. The call to Shawna will have to wait until I get home. I’ll have to pack and talk fast because I need to be long gone before Brian gets home.

Somehow, I manage to get home, and after I walk in the door, I instantly head to the phone. It takes me a couple of tries to get her number right because my hands won’t stop shaking.

“Hello,” Shawna says.

Immediately, her familiar pep bolsters me, and I manage to say, “Hey, it’s Donna.”

“Well, it’s about time you quit ignoring me and call me, bestie.” 

Her calling-me-on-my shit greeting only makes me miss her more, and I push my response past the sob filling my throat.

“We don’t talk enough.”

“Sweetie, what’s wrong? Why does it sound like you’re about to cry?”

When Shawna switches from her playful snarkiness to a sweet and caring tone, my sobs break free.

“Oh, Donna, don’t cry. What is it? Are ‘The Moms’ being a pain in the ass again? Just say the word and I’ll come up there and kick their saggy asses.”

I’m sure she said the last part to get a laugh out of me, but I don’t have it in me right now.

“Shawna, I need to come stay with you for a while. I don’t know for how long, and you can’t tell anyone I’m there. I can’t tell you what happened now, but I will when I arrive.” I sob, full-on crying now. I can’t hold it back.

This is my best friend, but I’m not ready to explain what I saw yet. She wouldn’t be able to understand me anyway. Maybe, after a few shots to calm my nerves, I’ll be able to tell her.

“Donna, you’re worrying me, love. What’s going on?  How are you getting here? I’m not sure you should drive in your condition. I want you to get here safely.”

She has always been level-headed, and she’s probably right, but I don’t want anyone to find out where I’m going. Besides, driving will give me more time to think about my situation and decide what I’m going to do. Who has time to wait around the airport, hoping to get a flight sometime today?  Not me. I can’t sit idly right now. Driving will be torture enough.

“Driving’s my only option. I’ll pull over and rest if I need to. Plus, I’ll call and keep you posted on where I am and if I’m stopping for the night. It’s only a fourteen-hour drive, give or take, depending on traffic and how much I have to stop.” 

She probably thinks I’m avoiding her question, and maybe I am, but I can’t relive the nightmare that is my life right now.

“I’m not purposely avoiding telling you what happened,” I tell her, “but I need to focus on the drive and process everything before I say it out loud. Once I say it, it will make it real. I know that sounds stupid. Just give me until I get there, please.”  I’m begging, but I want her to understand I need time to absorb everything.

“Okay. You can tell me later, but please be safe.”

She rattles on with the directions, but I can’t focus.

“Just know, when you get here, I’ll have drinks ready for us. I’m here for you in any way you need, anytime you need.” 

Hearing “drinks” pulls me out of my head, and I write the directions down. “I will. Thanks for the directions. I gotta go.”  Once I get to Shawna’s, things will start looking up. “I’ll see you late tonight or tomorrow. Love you.”

“See you later. Love you too.”

I’m not sure if I should leave a letter explaining that I needed to get away or if I should just disappear. I don’t want anyone to think I was abducted, but I don’t want them to know I’m gone right away, either.

Why am I still concerned what Brian thinks when he’s the one who ripped my heart out?

My parents won’t contact me unless Brian goes to them—or unless my mom has wedding demands. And, because I spent the best part of today with her, I should be free of them tonight.

I don’t pack a lot because I can’t pull my thoughts together enough to figure out what I might need, so I throw a bunch of things in an overnight bag. I’m madly in love with Brian, but forgiving his cheating is a tall order. The truth is, I love him so much that I might have been able to forgive him if he’d cheated with anyone else besides Janice. I wouldn’t have believed he’d do this to me if I hadn’t seen it for myself.

How am I going to move on? I haven’t been with anyone else. I’ve been with Brian for so long that I can’t even imagine dating again. It’ll be hell.

On the drive to Shawna’s, I only stop for gas, for snacks, and to use the restroom because I don’t feel comfortable stopping at a motel along the way. I decide that, after I settle in at Shawna’s, I’ll call Brian. It’s going on two in the morning, and he has to be worried, but why should I care?

Gah! It’s so hard not to care. Just because he cheated doesn’t give me the right to turn around and leave without letting him know where I am. Two wrongs don’t make a right. But, sometimes, thinking about myself instead of him is hard. He wasn’t thinking about me or my feelings today.

When I pull up to Shawna’s condo, I get out of the car and stretch my cramped legs. Looking up to the fifteenth floor, where Shawna’s place is, I wonder when I got so focused on me that I lost touch with what’s going on with her. She recently moved in with Frank, and I’ve never met him even though he’s good friends with Brian.

I can’t bother myself to come down and visit her, be here for her? 

I want to rush up to her place, but I’m anxious about having to tell her Brian’s fucking his secretary. It’s going to be hard for Shawna to hear because she loves us both and I don’t want her to have to take sides, but I need a friend to lean on and help me through this. I hope she’ll forgive me for being a terrible friend lately.

Take a deep breath. Everything will work out. You’ll make it with or without Brian. You don’t need him.

I feel like I’ve done nothing but talk to myself since I started driving, hoping that would help me work through everything. Now that I have Shawna, I can talk to her about it and she’ll actually have some advice. She always knows what to say and how to make me see both sides to every situation. She also knows when to simply comfort me.

I don’t even have a chance to knock on her door before she’s opening the door and dragging me into her arms.

“Hey, sweetie. Seeing as how you made it here so quickly, I take it you only stopped for potty breaks and gas? How was the drive?”

I throw my arms around her and squeeze like I’m never going to let her go. “Yes. I wanted to get here as quickly as possible. I really don’t want to be alone tonight. I’m not sure I could handle my own thoughts any longer.”

“Oh, sweetie. What happened? I hate that you needed me and I wasn’t closer to you,” Shawna says, stepping back and eyeing me.

I can’t hide anything from her now. Her big, brown eyes are glued to me as she waits for me to tell her what’s wrong, but I don’t want her to feel bad. It isn’t her fault Brian cheated and I didn’t want to be alone. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that to her. She’s a fixer and doesn’t like anyone to be in pain.

“I wish you could take the hurt away, but there’s nothing you could have done. Now, time with my bestie and some alcohol will help cheer me up.”

“Anything you need. Also, Frank’s here, but he won’t stay if you don’t want him to. He understands you need girl time, but he’s excited to finally meet the woman who holds my heart,” she says, winking.

I don’t want to meet her live-in boyfriend yet, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I mean, this is his condo. Where will he go? I wouldn’t normally be comfortable telling her what happened with a stranger in the room, though with enough alcohol, I’ll be able to open up.

“What do you have to drink? Preferably something strong. I won’t make the best impression on him tonight, but I need the release.” I shouldn't resort to getting drunk, but sometimes, it does help.