Yiddish with Dick and Jane (3 page)
Old people
shmy
up and down the hallways.
They
shmy
and talk to themselves.
“Why do they do that, Father?” asks Katie. “Are they
meshugge
?”
“The lady with the housecoat on her head is
meshugge
, Katie,” says Bob. “But the man hitting himself in the chest with the spoon is
farmisht
.”
Dick arrives.
“Jane, Bob, Katie, and Scott, how is Mother?” asks Dick.
“We are still waiting for the doctor,” says Bob.
“I am getting a little
nudjedik
, Dick,” says Jane.
See Doctor Patrick O’Shaughnessy. He is a cardiologist and a
sheygets
.
“Hello, Dick and Jane,” says Doctor O’Shaughnessy.
“I will give you the
emess
.
“Your mother has had a small stroke.
She will be a little lethargic and sporadically
farblondget
.
She will need full-time care.”
See Priscilla.
Dick and Jane have hired Priscilla to take care of Mother.
Priscilla is from the island of Jamaica.
She is a real
hilf
.
Sally calls Jane.
“I got your message, Jane,” says Sally.
“I am on my way.”
“Oh, Sally, don’t make a
tsimmes
,” says Jane.
“Mother is fine.
You do not have to come.”
“Do not tell me what to do, Jane,” says Sally.
See Betty.
Jane runs into Betty at the supermarket.
Betty’s husband left her for another woman.
Betty is not a close friend.
But Jane has
rachmones
for her.
Betty is in a good mood.
She has a new job.
She reaches into her purse.
“Look at my
fancy
-
schmancy
new card, Jane,” says Betty.
Jane sees Betty’s purse.
It is the same purse Jane gave Ellen for her birthday!
“Ellen must have given my gift to Betty,” thinks Jane.
“Ellen must not have liked it.”
Jane feels
nisht gut
.
“What is wrong, Jane?” asks Betty. “You look a little
farshadat
.”
“I just remembered I have
latkes
in the oven, Betty,” lies Jane.
“I have to go.”
Jane runs out of the market.
Dick has a business dinner with Frank and Steve.
Frank and Steve are running late.
Dick waits at the
heymish
bar. The lights in the bar are low.
See Susan and Phil!
Susan and Phil are in a booth. Susan and Phil are drinking margaritas.
Susan and Phil are holding hands.
“I did not know Phil drank margaritas,” thinks Dick.
“And he is having it with salt,
noch
.”
Jane gets home.
“I can’t believe what a
shtunk
Ellen turned out to be, Bob,” says Jane.
Jane tells Bob about Betty and the purse.
“Now, now, Jane,” says Bob. “Don’t make such a
shtuss
.
There must be some explanation.”
Just then, the doorbell rings. Bob gets up off his
tuchas
and answers the door.
See Sally!
“Sally!” says Bob. “What a nice surprise.”
“
Vo den
, Bob?” says Sally.
“I told Jane I was coming. Don’t the two of you speak?”
Sally comes into the house.
“Hello, Sally,” says Jane. “You look wonderful. That is a nice outfit.”
“No it isn’t,” says Sally. “This is a
schmatte
.”
Sally tells Jane that she wants to see Mother.
“She is asleep now, Sally,” says Jane. “By eight o’clock Mother is completely
oysgeshpilt
.
Come with us to meet Dick and his family for dinner,” says Jane.
“Are we going to Pagoda Dragon, Jane?” asks Sally.
“No, Sally,” says Jane.
“We are meeting them at Golden Noodle Pavilion.
Pagoda Dragon is
mechuleh
.”
