To Love Twice (7 page)

As she drove home, her thoughts continued to be dominated by
Brad.  She admitted to herself that she missed him.  Missed him so
much it was a constant ache in the center of her heart.  She missed their
chats, missed snuggling with him on the couch watching movies, missed lazy
weekend mornings.

She tried to figure out where it all went wrong.  She
probably wouldn’t be able to fix it, but if she just knew, she might have a
chance at fixing it.  All she wanted, truly wanted, was her life
back.  Her husband, her baby’s father.  What had gone wrong?

She pulled into the parking garage and hurried to the
elevator with Mary.  Kate called Georgie to tell her it was done, the
papers were on their way to Brad.  Georgie offered Kate her sympathies and
a shoulder to cry and/or vent on.  Kate declined, preferring to be alone
with Mary until she went to bed.  Then Kate planned to drink a tall glass
of wine and soak in the tub before going to bed herself.  Because really
all she
wanted
was this day to end.  All she
wished
for was
to wake up from this nightmare.

Brad opened his door to a messenger.  His heart lurched
as he realized what the messenger held out to him.  “Sign here, please.”

Brad signed on the line.  “Thank you.”  Shutting
the door, he opened the envelope and pulled out the papers.  She had
finally done it.  Kate had filed for divorce.  He sat heavily on his
bed and cradled his head in his hands.  It was better this way. 
Better that Kate hated him and Mary didn’t know him.  Kate could move on,
meet someone new and live a long happy life.  Whoever Kate chose to enter
her life would treat Mary the way she deserved to be treated.  As a
daughter.  All Brad would have given her was heartache and pain.

Slowly, he raised his head.  The pain in his heart was
intense.  He had wanted to wait.  Wait until Kate gave up on
him.  And now that the time had come, he could finally end all his
pain.  Forever.

He laid back on the bed.  Closing his eyes, he relived
the past ten years.  God, he missed Kate.  The night he found
her.  The long scary days in the hospital waiting for her to wake
up.  The blissful and bittersweet year after the attack.  Their
wedding.  Their honeymoon.  Their home.  The minutes, hours,
days, weeks and years in between then and now.  He’d been lost and alone
when Kate had entered his life.  She’d filled it so perfectly that a day
hadn’t gone by his cup didn’t spill over from happiness. 

And then he’d visited the doctor.  It had been a week
after they’d found out Kate was pregnant.  God, she’d been so
beautiful.  And they’d celebrated the news with a lovemaking marathon that
lasted two days.  Blissful.  He was so happy.  He didn’t even
care what sex the baby was.  So long as it was healthy, it would be
perfect.  He’d been looking forward to being a father.  To prove that
it could be done right.  To prove that he wasn’t anything like his
father. 

Then he’d received news he’d never wanted to hear. 
Cancer.  Stage four.  Terminal.  And so, he’d had to be
strong.  Strong enough for all of them.  Kate would have wanted him
to fight.  He could picture how she’d be, in his face, demanding that he
fight.  Fight for her, fight for the baby and fight for himself.  For
their life.  Their precious life.

He couldn’t though.  He never told her the
diagnosis.  Of course, she hadn’t been aware that he’d even gone to see
the doctor.  The doctor gave him a year, two at the most.  He’d given
Brad the standard lines about treatment.  But they both knew the
truth.  No matter what they did treatment wise, Brad was still facing a
death sentence.  And he wasn’t going to impose that on his wife and new
baby.

So he started pushing her away.  But she clung to him
and their life.  She let him off the hook so easy, and so he’d had to kick
it up a notch.  She just wasn’t getting it.  She wasn’t letting him
push her away.

He allowed himself a minute to imagine what Mary looked
like.  She was almost six months now.  She was probably sitting up,
rolling over and maybe even crawling.  He bet she looked just like her mother. 
She’d be a beauty for sure.  He stifled a sob at the thought of never
seeing her grow up.  Watching her graduate.  Walking her down the
aisle on her wedding day.  Of holding his grandchild.  Of growing old
with Kate. 

The pain of those thoughts tore through his soul.  He
curled in on himself to hold it at bay.  It would never ease.  This
intense pain of loss.  And now that Kate had given up on him, he could
finally find peace in the end of his life.  He knew it was near.  The
pain in his head was never-ending, no amount of pain pills dulled it.  His
vision was blurry most of the time and he had no appetite, which showed in the
fifteen pounds that had disappeared off his frame in the past couple weeks.

Brad rose from the bed and went to his dresser.  Collecting
the letters he’d written over the weekend, he put them in his pocket and walked
to the kitchen.  Michael was supposed to stop by soon and Brad could
imagine the earful he was going to receive, especially once Michael found out
about the divorce papers.  He didn’t have the energy for the visit
tonight, but Michael would show, come hell or high water.  Brad grabbed a
beer out of the fridge and walked out onto the back deck.  He sat down
heavily in the deck chair and took a sip of his beer.  From his shirt
pocket he pulled out the one thing he’d kept.  It was a picture of Kate,
Brad and Mary at the hospital, minutes after Mary had been born.  Closing
his eyes, he kissed the picture, and tears streamed down his cheeks.  He
missed them so much, time didn’t ease the pain.  It only increased the
pain. 

Brad leaned his head back against the chair and gazed into
the sky.  Twilight was settling in, darkening the sky and washing the
clouds in a rainbow of beautiful colors.  Brad’s eyes were drawn to the
first star of the night.  Smiling slightly, Brad remembered Kate’s
penchant for making a wish on that first star every time she saw it.  Brad
closed his eyes and made his own wish on the star.  He wished for Kate to
forgive him and for her and Mary to find happiness. 

He lifted the bottle to his lips, cursing when it slipped
out of his fingers and crashed to the deck floor.  He sat up to retrieve
the bottle and was blinded by pain exploding in his head.  Falling back
against the chair, he tightened his hold on the picture.  He raised it to
his lips again and then allowed the darkness to take over.

“Brad?”  Michael called as he prowled through the
house, turning on lights.  “Brad, where the hell are you?”

Michael opened the screen door and froze.  “Brad,” he
whispered.  His eyes raced over his brother and took in the scene. 
Brad was slouched in the deck chair at an odd angle, eyes closed.  The
beer bottle shattered on the deck floor.  He reached into his pocket and
dialed 911 as he moved through the door and put his fingers to Brad’s
neck. 

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I need an ambulance at 145 Willow Lane.  There’s
something wrong with my brother.”

“I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do.”

“I don’t understand,” Michael said to the doctor.  “I
had no idea he was sick.”

The doctor nodded.  “I know, it was his wish.  We
diagnosed him with an inoperable brain tumor a little more than a year
ago.  By the time we saw him it was already Stage Four.  He’s been
managing the pain with pills.”

“Why wouldn’t he get some sort of treatment?”

“Because he knew it wouldn’t help.  I asked and
asked.  He didn’t want anything.  He said he was staring at a death
sentence, no matter what we did.”

“Stubborn ass!”  Michael fumed.

“We can make him comfortable with morphine until he passes. 
I doubt it will be long now.”  The doctor reached into his coat pocket and
removed some envelopes and a picture.  “These were with him when they
brought him in, I thought you’d want them.”

Michael took the envelopes and quickly scanned them. 
Four envelopes all addressed to a different person.  One for Michael, one
for their sister, one for Kate and one for Mary.  “Shit,” Michael
whispered to himself.  “He’s put his affairs in order.  He knew.”

Michael stuffed the envelopes in his coat pocket and looked
down at the floor.  Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly, giving the
emotions a chance to pass.  “Can I see him?”  Michael asked in a
ragged voice.

“Yes.  He won’t be conscious, but it’s a good time to
say your goodbyes.”

The ringing of the phone woke Kate from a fitful
sleep.  She couldn’t quite grasp what she’d been dreaming, though she knew
it hadn’t been good. 

“Hello?”

“Kate?  It’s Michael.”

“Michael?”  Kate glanced at the clock and sat up. 
“It’s two in the morning, Michael.  What’s wrong?”

“Come to the door, Kate.  I’m outside.  Please let
me in.”

“I’ll be right there, give me a second.”  Kate pulled
on her robe and went to let her brother-in-law in.  Soon to be
ex-brother-in-law.  Kate peeked out the peephole to ensure Michael was
alone.  She unlocked the door and opened it.  “Michael?  What’s
going on?”  She led him over to the couch and sat down next to him.

He took hold of her hand.  “Kate, it’s Brad. 
He’s…he’s gone, Kate.”

Kate’s face paled and she squeezed his hand. 
“Gone?  What do you mean, gone?”

“Kate, he died tonight.”

“Died?  Michael, are you sure?  What are you
talking about?”  Kate snapped angrily.  “What’s really going on,
Michael?”

“Kate, look at me,” Michael said sharply.  “Kate, he’s
gone.  I-I saw him.”  Michael closed his eyes.  His voice
dropped to a whisper that Kate could barely make out.  “I found him,
Kate.  We had plans tonight.  We were planning to go out and get a
drink.  I planned to grill him about you two and kick his ass a bit for letting
you go.  But then I ended up having to work late.  I left him a
message on his phone and told him I’d be late.  I got to the house around
ten.  It was dark, and I didn’t think anything of it.  I figured he
was out on the deck drinking a beer,”  Michael hung his head, shook it and
relayed all that had happened that evening, ending with passing her the
envelopes that Brad had left behind for her and Mary.

She barely looked at the envelopes, dropping them on the
couch next to her.  Kate flung his hand away and stood up, her eyes
darting around the room. 

Michael stood with her and placed his hand on her
shoulder.  “Kate, please sit down.  Can I call someone for you?”

Kate eyes stopped darting and settled on Michael’s, widening
slightly.  “Oh my God, you’re serious?  He’s dead?”  She asked
in a whisper.  “NO! Michael, NO!  NO!  Stop it.  Stop
this!  He can’t be dead, Michael.  I still love him.  I’d
know.”  And just that quick her dream, no nightmare, came back to
her. 
Brad standing in front of her.  Clutching a photo of the
three of them and telling her goodbye. ‘I’m so sorry I had to hurt you,
Kate.  I love you.  I always have and I always will’,
he’d
whispered right before the ringing of the phone had woken her up
.
 
Kate reached out, grasping at the air.  “NO!” she whispered.  “NO!”
Dimly she heard Michael calling her name.  She couldn’t focus.  The
room was spinning and she couldn’t focus.  He was gone?  How could he
be gone?  What had she done?  Why?  Her mind couldn’t grasp it
and then it all went black.

“Kate?  Honey?  Open your eyes,” Georgie said as
she patted Kate’s cheeks.

Keeping her eyes closed, Kate whispered “Brad’s gone. 
He’s never coming back.”

Georgie took Kate’s hand in her own.  “I know,
baby.  I’m so sorry.”

“Why didn’t he fight?” Kate shook her head.  “I can’t
focus, Georgie.  I can’t open my eyes, because it’ll be real then.  I
don’t want it to be real, Georgie.”  Tears started to leak through her
eyelids.  It didn’t take long for them to become giant racking sobs. 
Kate curled herself into a ball. 

Georgie laid down next to her and wrapped her arms around
Kate.  Rubbing Kate’s back, she whispered “Let it out, let it out.”

Kate had no idea how long they lay like that.  Slowly,
reality crept back in.  She wondered where Michael was.  Had he left
after calling her sister?  She assumed he called Georgie.  “How did
you find out?”

“Michael called in a panic.”

“How long have I been out?”

“Well, it took me fifteen minutes to get here.”

“Is Mary still sleeping?”  Kate’s heart broke thinking
that Mary would never have a chance to know her father.

“Yes,” Georgie whispered.

“I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to
feel.  I still can’t focus on it.  It hurts so much.”

“I know it does.  You don’t have to think of it
yet.  Just stay put.  You don’t need to rush into it.”

Kate squeezed her eyes tighter.  Could she have done
anything?  Could she have prevented this?  Oh, how was she going to
make it through this.  It was impossible.  Impossible to open her
eyes and face reality.  To face her life without Brad.  To know that
he was never coming back.  There was no hope that they’d find each other
again.  It was well and truly over.

It rained the day of the funeral.  Kate found this a
fitting predicament.  She’d been crying all morning.  Kate’s mother
had come to watch Mary while Kate attended the funeral.  She didn’t want
Mary around so much sadness.  The service had been beautiful. 
Michael had planned most of it.  He’d asked Kate to help him, but she’d
turned him down.  She could barely take care of herself and Mary for the
grief, there was no way she would have been able to help with the
arrangements.  Michael had thankfully understood.

Erin had told her to take as much time as she needed. 
Kate would have loved to bury herself in work, but she could barely get herself
out of bed.  All of her energy went to making sure Mary was taken care of
everyday.  It had only been a week since Brad died, but she’d lost enough
weight that her clothes hung on her frame.  Dark circles were a permanent
addition to her eyes.