To Love Twice (6 page)

“That is an incredible story,” Clair said softly.  “You
both have a lot invested in each other.  Are you sure you want to do
this?” Clair asked again.

“I don’t see any other way,” Kate said sadly.  “Going
back and reliving that.  It brings back all the best memories.  All
of our best times.  But he doesn’t want that anymore.  He’s
different.  He’s not that man anymore.  I don’t know why.  It
was a little more than a year ago.  Right after we found out I was
pregnant.  Brad’s always been a little moody at times.  He explained
them away as his “moments of panic,” when he’d relive my attack. 
Sometimes it was his moments of panic and other times he was just grumpy. 
Then he started having nightmares and in those nightmares, he never got there
in time to save me. We started going to therapy together since we were now both
having nightmares.  The therapy helped and we gradually stopped going. 
And then the nightmares came back for him.  But this time, it wasn’t just
me being attacked.  He was picturing me pregnant and being attacked or
sometimes I’d be walking to my car with the baby in my arms.  I suggested
therapy again, but he didn’t want to go.  He said they’d go away, that it
was so easy to explain.  Just old fears resurfacing and mingling with new
fears.  So I let it go.  The closer and closer I got to delivering,
the worse the nightmares got.  He started sleeping on the couch.  And
then one day he came home from work and it was like a switch had been
thrown.  He was rude.  He was critical.  He would ignore
me.  He stopped sleeping in our room, preferring either the couch, or
later, his office.  He stopped coming home for dinner.  Most nights,
he’d wait until I was already in bed.  And then he’d be gone before I was
up in the morning.  I’d see him briefly on the weekends.  He wouldn’t
talk to me.  I begged and pleaded for him to tell me what was wrong, but
he just ignored me.  I loved him so much and I couldn’t find a way
in.  I couldn’t reach him.  And then it was time.  I went into
labor.  I called his cell, his work, his friends.  No one knew where
he was and he wasn’t answering his phones.  I called my sister.  She
and I went to the hospital.  Her husband tracked Brad down.  He was
at home, drinking.  Tim dragged Brad to the hospital.  Brad made it
just in time to see Mary born.  I remember feeling so thrilled that he
made it in time.  He’d held my hand, he’d gazed at Mary.  Had brushed
his fingers over the downy softness of her hair.  He’d even held her once
they’d cleaned her up.  And when they moved me to my private room, he
would just hold her and gaze at her.  He’d look at me and sometimes there
would be tears in his eyes.  He’d sit with me on the bed and we’d hold
hands and just stare at her.  I thought things were back to normal. 
I thought that maybe all that had happened had just been him freaking out and
not being able to talk about it.  Until we went home from the hospital. 
And it all started again.  I’d ask him to hold her while I heated her
bottle and he wouldn’t.  I’d ask him to hold her while I went to the
bathroom and he wouldn’t.  I’d ask him to watch her while I took a
shower.  He’d tell me to get a babysitter.  I was exhausted and I
knew she could feel the tension.  She was fussy a lot and it irritated him
that she cried so much.  She didn’t sleep well unless he was out of the
house.  I didn’t sleep well unless he was gone.  It had all
flipped.  There had once been a time when I couldn’t sleep unless he was
there.  And now, I couldn’t sleep unless he was gone.  I couldn’t
even relax unless he was gone.  So, I packed our things and left
him.  And now, here I sit, ready to divorce him.  I’m scared to
death.  But I see no other option.”

Clair took Kate’s hand in hers.  “That’s where I come
in.  I’ll be here for you every step of the way, Kate.  And I’ll do
my absolute best to try to keep this out of the courts.  Have you thought
about any of the details?”

“The only detail I’ve thought of is whether he’ll sign away
his rights to Mary.  If he’s going to continue being the way he is, then I
don’t see why he should get a say in anything regarding Mary.”

“If you do that.  If you allow him to sign away his
rights to Mary, you’ll get no child support.”

“I know.  And I’m okay with that.”

“Okay.  What about alimony?”

“No alimony.”

“I assume you want sole custody of Mary.  Do you want
to come up with a visitation schedule?”

“A visitation schedule?  Isn’t that contradictory to
him signing away his rights?”

“Yes, but it’s best if we have all the angles ironed out
before we serve him with the divorce papers.”

“Oh, in case he decides not to sign away his rights, I
understand.  Well, I hadn’t really thought about any visitation
schedule.  What is normal?”

“Usually, the non-custodial parent will see their child once
or twice during the week and then the parents will switch off weekends,
holidays and school vacations – which of course doesn’t apply yet.”

“That sounds fine to me.”

“Okay.”  Clair asked Kate more questions, scribbling
notes as they went along.  Kate breathed a sigh of relief when Clair said
they were done.  “I’ll have my assistant type up the documents.  I’ll
need you to come back tomorrow to sign them and then we’ll have them delivered
to Brad.”

“Okay.  I can swing by on my lunch break
tomorrow.  Do you mind if I bring Mary with me?”

“Not at all.  You won’t be here long, just long enough
to sign the papers,” Clair assured her.

Kate stood up and shook Clair’s hand again.  “Thank you
so much.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Kate was a nervous wreck.  She’d been disorganized and
distracted all morning.  Twice Erin had to poke her head out of the office
and ask Kate if she was going to answer the phones.  She’d even misplaced
Erin’s presentation this morning.  They both had been searching Kate’s
space when Kate had discovered the presentation in the recycling bin. 
“I’m so sorry, Erin.”

“I know and it’s fine, Kate.  I know today is
impossible for you.  Why don’t you go to lunch early.  Get Mary,
enjoy some lunch and then go sign the papers.  You won’t have your head on
right until it’s done.”

“You’re sure?”

Erin laughed.  “I’m sure.  I’ll be in the meeting
anyway and last I checked the voicemail system was still working.”

“Alright.  I’ll see you later this afternoon. 
Thank you.”

Erin turned to leave.  When she got to the door she
turned back.  “Kate, if you get done with those papers, and you’re
wrecked, please take some time off and go home.  I honestly can live
without you for the rest of the day.  Sometimes the best place for us is
in the comfort of our homes.  So if you need to, just go home after. 
I’ll understand.”

All Kate could do was nod.  She could feel the tears
threatening and her throat felt swollen shut.  Erin smiled at Kate and
then walked away.  Kate stared after her and again wondered what she’d
done to deserve this job and Erin.  Somewhere along the way they’d become
friends. 

After tidying her desk and locking her computer, Kate put on
her jacket and grabbed her purse.  She called the daycare to tell them she
was on the way and then walked to the elevators.  She would do as Erin had
suggested.  She’d get Mary, grab some lunch and then go to Clair’s
office.  She wasn’t incredibly hungry, but she thought a nice bowl of
Cheddar Broccoli soup from Panera’s might be enough to get her through the rest
of the afternoon.

“Kate Walker for Clair Forbes,” Kate told the receptionist.

“Please have a seat, I’ll let Ms. Forbes know you’re here.”

“Thank you.”  Kate walked over to the chairs and sat
down.  She unfastened Mary from her car seat and took off Mary’s jacket,
placing it in the car seat.  Mary’s legs were getting stronger and she
loved to balance on Kate’s lap.  Kate would hold her upright and Mary
would bounce and stand on Kate’s legs.  Today it seemed that Mary was more
interested in her surroundings than balancing on Kate’s legs.  There was a
picture behind Kate’s head that had captured Mary’s undivided attention. 
Kate turned to look at it and could understand why.  It was a modern
abstract painting with circles, squares and triangles all colored red, white
and black.  Kate was having a hard time keeping Mary’s hands away from the
painting and was happy when Clair’s assistant Sara arrived.

“Hello Kate, sorry to keep you waiting.”

Kate smiled.  “Not a problem.  Although I may have
to take this painting home with me.  Mary seems to love it.”

Sara laughed.  “I’ll let Clair know.  No one would
miss that painting, I’m sure.  I mean what’s it even saying? 
Squares, circles and triangles, that sounds more up Mary’s alley than ours.”

“You’re right.  What’s wrong with you guys?  Art
for babies in your reception area.  What kind of statement are you
making?”  Kate and Sara laughed.  Sara led Kate into Clair’s office.

“Clair is stuck in a deposition, but asked me to get you to
sign the paperwork.  She also wanted me to ask you one last time. 
Are you sure you want to do this?”

Kate sighed.  She’d kept herself up most of the night
wrestling with this same question.  After spilling her guts to Clair
yesterday, the memories had been swirling around in her head, unwilling to go
back into their box in her mind.  She’d reminisced while she drank some
wine after putting Mary to bed.  She’d gone back and forth and all she
could come up with was ending it.  There wasn’t anything left in her that
pointed toward any hope of reconciliation.  The Brad she’d fallen in love
with was gone and Kate wasn’t willing to risk Mary’s happiness and well-being
on waiting to see if the old Brad came back.  If not for Mary, Kate’s
answer may have been different. 

“Yes, I’m sure.  But before I sign the papers, I just
have one question.  What if these papers snap Brad out of wherever he’s
been?  What if he wants us back?  What happens?”

“This is more of a question for Clair.  Let me see if
she can be interrupted to come talk to you or at least give me the answer.”

“Okay, thank you.”  Kate chided herself for being weak
enough to ask that question.  It didn’t hurt to know all the angles, but
at the same time Kate couldn’t see Brad changing.  And she was just
setting herself up for a bigger fall when he didn’t come crawling back.

Sara returned quicker than Kate expected.  “She said if
that happened and you wanted to stop the divorce, we could do that.  She
did say however, that it was her opinion if it did happen, that you contact her
immediately.  She said sometimes it’s a trick.  Not that Brad would
do it, but that she’d seen it once or twice happen to a client.  She said
the best thing would be counseling before dropping the divorce entirely.”

“Thank you, Sara.  I just wanted to make sure there was
an out if needed.  I doubt there will be, but you never know.  Where
do I sign?”

“I’ve marked all the spots that need your signature. 
Here’s a pen.  Do you mind if I hold Mary while you sign the
paperwork?  I’m in desperate need of a baby fix,” Sara smiled.

“No, not at all.  Do you have children?”  Kate
asked.

“Yes, three of them.  One in college and the other two
are in high school.  It’s been so long since I held a baby and I know
it’ll be even longer before I hold a grandchild.  I have all boys. 
They aren’t notorious for marrying early and having babies,” Sara
laughed.  “I live vicariously through other people’s babies. 
Oh!  I miss that baby smell.  I wish it could be bottled,” Sara
sighed.

“Yes, I know what you mean,” Kate smiled.  She watched
Sara dance over to the windows to show Mary the view.  Kate watched Mary’s
reaction for a minute and then got to work signing the paperwork.  After
signing, she flipped back through the pages to make sure she got them
all.  “I think I’m all set here, Sara.  Do you want to double check
my work?”

“Yes.  Clair will not be happy if we have to call you
back in,” Sara said.  She snuggled Mary closer.  “Oh, I don’t want to
give her back to you.  She is such a darling!”  Sara handed Mary back
to Kate.  “Thank you for sharing her.”  Sara looked through the
paperwork and couldn’t find any spot Kate missed.  “This looks good. 
I’ll leave it on Clair’s desk.  She’ll review it again just to be sure. 
If it’s good to go, it’ll be delivered to Brad today.”

“Wow.  Today?  Is that normal?”

“Yes.  It’s best to get these things out and rolling.”

“Makes sense,” Kate said as she gathered up her purse. 
She’d left the car seat out in the reception area.  “Thank you for your
help.  Will I hear from Clair soon?”

Sara walked Kate out to the reception area.  “Yes, as
soon as Brad’s lawyer contacts Clair, she’ll let you know.  If Brad calls
you, just refer him to Clair, especially if he’s not being nice.”

“Okay.  I will.”  Kate put Mary’s jacket on her
and then buckled her into her car seat.  She picked up the car seat and
purse and shook Sara’s hand.  “Thanks again.  I’m sure I’ll talk to
you soon,” Kate smiled.

“Take care, Kate.”

Kate walked slowly to the elevators.  She couldn’t get
a handle on her emotions.  She was sad, relieved, angry, and happy all at
once.  It wasn’t until she had Mary in the car and herself buckled in that
the tears came.  A steady stream of tears rolled down her face.  She
rested her head on the steering wheel and let them wash through her. 

A light knocking on her window jolted her.  She looked
up and saw a petite woman looking at her curiously.  “Are you okay, dear?”
The woman asked through the window. 

Kate quickly rolled down the window.  “Yes, I’m
fine.  Thanks for asking.  It’s been one of those days,” Kate
explained.

“Oh, I know what you mean.  Take care,” the woman said.

Kate started her car and decided that the last place she
wanted to be was back at work.  She headed for the comfort of home.