The Good, the Bad and the Unready (42 page)

Rupert, prince of the Palatinate, 1619–82

Charles the
LAST MAN
could not have been happier when his nephew Rupert offered his services shortly before the outbreak of the English Civil War. His reputation as an intrepid soldier and horseman during the Thirty Years War had preceded him, and Charles swiftly put the 23-year-old in charge of the royalist cavalry. Once in office Rupert set about making crucial changes to the tactics of the cavalry charge.

Beginning at the battle of Edgehill, Rupert specified that, unlike before, the royalist horse would not use their firearms until they had broken through the opposing ranks. This meant that the cavalry literally charged at the enemy, making contact with them when at a gallop. The shock of such a thundering attack was a major reason behind his many victories.

For his own part Rupert was considered something of a fearless lunatic, gleefully riding into every fresh encounter with nothing but military glory on his mind. Amazingly, he was never wounded badly, and eventually retired to Germany where he dabbled in the printmaking business.

 
Madame Deficit
see
the
BAKER AND THE BAKER’S WIFE

Madame Veto
see
the
BAKER AND THEBAKER’S WIFE

Charles the
Madman
of the North

Charles XII, king of Sweden, 1682–1718

At the outset of the eighteenth century Charles XII of Sweden waged the Great Northern War against Denmark, Poland and Russia, and a succession of victories won him the title ‘the Alexander of the North’. His reckless disregard for his own safety, however, coupled with the wholesale defeat of his army at Poltava in 1709, earned him the nickname ‘the Madman of the North.

Some have hailed Charles as a hero and the inspiration behind all attempts to restore the country’s imperial status. According to the poet Esaias Tegner, he was ‘Svea’s [Sweden’s] greatest son’. Others have gone so far as to claim he was something of a superman, battling like Odin against evil forces. Voltaire glorified him as ‘the only person in history who was free from all human weakness’. A third element, on the other hand, has condemned him as a slightly unhinged, unyielding fool, whose refusal to make peace prior to Poltava, when Sweden had the upper hand, brought disaster upon the nation.

Francis the
Maecenas of France
see
Francis the
FATHER OF LETTERS

Philip the
Magnanimous

Philip II, king of France, 1165–1223

Under Philip, known by some as ‘Philip Augustus’ because he was born in August, France doubled in size. The count of
Flanders, Henry
CURTMANTLE
and John
LACKLAND
all surrendered lands to him during a reign marked by military success. His nickname, however, reflects his domestic accomplishments rather than his territorial gains. Philip paved the main roads of Paris, continued construction of the magnificent Notre-Dame Cathedral and built the Louvre (as a fortress, not as an art gallery). Trade privileges won him the support of the merchant class, and fair taxation earned him the appreciation of the nation’s workforce.

Not everyone was a recipient of Philip’s magnanimity, least of all his second wife, Ingeborg of Denmark. Philip married Ingeborg, daughter of ‘Waldemar the Great’, in 1193. For reasons that are not entirely clear (the English chronicler William of Newburgh suggests that he was furious that he did not receive ‘the ancient right of the King of the Danes in the English kingdom’ as his dowry) he hastily repudiated his marriage. When Ingeborg protested, Philip confined her to a convent.

Philip then asked the pope for an annulment on the grounds that the marriage had not been consummated. Again Ingeborg protested, claiming that it
had
been consummated, and that she was the rightful queen. Deaf to her claims and in defiance of the pope, Philip married a Bavarian noblewoman called Agnes of Meran. Once more Ingeborg protested. This time the pope agreed with her complaint and in 1200 demanded that Philip take Ingeborg back as his wife. Philip did so, but far from magnanimously, waiting thirteen long years before releasing her from her duties as a nun.

Edmund the
Magnificent

Edmund I, king of the English, 921–46

A monk by the name of Florence of Worcester styled Edmund both as ‘the Magnificent’ and as ‘the Deed-Doer’, and although the king did indeed do deeds – and great deeds at that – Edmund himself would have been the first to agree that neither the start nor the end of his reign was particularly magnificent.

His rule began with a serious military setback when Olaf, the
Norse king of Dublin, captured the kingdom of York shortly after Edmund’s succession. Over the next few years, however, things improved territorially. Edmund drove Olaf back to Ireland, crushed a revolt of ‘Idwal the Bald’ and pushed Scottish insurgents back beyond Northumbria. The succession of his family line was guaranteed, meanwhile, with the birth of future kings Edwy the
FAIR
and Edgar the
PEACEABLE
.

His sons were barely toddlers when Edmund died abruptly and in a decidedly undistinguished manner. While celebrating the feast of St Augustine in Pucklechurch, Gloucestershire, the king recognized a thief called Leofa, whom he had exiled six years earlier. An argument started, a brawl ensued, and Edmund was fatally stabbed in the stomach.

Suleiman the
Magnificent

Suleiman I, sultan of the Ottoman Empire, 1495–1566

Under Suleiman, the Ottoman Empire reached its apogee, a golden age when its administration, culture and military might were simultaneously at their zenith. The imperial fleet controlled the Mediterranean, his army besieged Vienna, and artists, poets and theologians bustled among the new ornamental public buildings which graced Istanbul, the proud capital city of an empire of some 30 million people.

In the West Suleiman was ‘the Magnificent’, so named not only for his military conquests but also for the splendour of his court. Suleiman ruled there with absolute authority, drinking perfumed water from jewelled cups and watching the antics
of dwarves. His life was a composite of suspicion (like Abdul the
DAMNED
he changed his bedroom every night), opulence (he seldom wore his clothes more than once) and pomp. At a funeral for one of his children (whose death, incidentally, he had ordered) Suleiman commanded that a special ointment should be put into the eyes of the horses which drew his chariots, in order that they should be seen to ‘weep’.