Own (Command Force Alpha #1) (33 page)

“I can answer one of them for you,” she said with a bit of a snarl. “If you quit, you’d resent me for it. Not now, but later. And I’d hate you a little bit more every year for not being the man you are right now.”

“Both true. But I have answers. Good ones we can live with.” He looked so fucking steady, like a pastor who actually believed his own chatter. It made her want to believe him too.

Believe in the man who could’ve been her best friend, her partner, her Master.

Her heart had lifted into her ears, beating as fast as a freight car. Air pushed through her throat in raspy breaths.

He lowered his chin and took a half step toward her. “Katsu, just let me in.”

Chapter Thirty

Evan stepped inside Kat’s apartment and banked his surprise. She wasn’t done yet, but she’d made huge strides in finding her way out of the chaos. The floor in the kitchen gleamed, as did the small appliances. He was generally a really good judge of spatial dimensions, a skill essential to assessing distances to targets or exits. Kat’s apartment had fooled him completely. It was a good third larger than he’d thought.

He kept his face passive, although he wanted to hug her and spin her around in wild circles. No matter the responsibility he was willing to take on, he hadn’t wanted to shoulder the burdens alone. What relationship lasted when it was so lopsided? If his plan was to succeed, he needed her initiative too. That she’d already started what he had been prepared to demand helped boost his confidence.

This was the right path. This was possible.

Nothing would be a more valuable prize—the best of his life.

She hadn’t taken her eyes off him, although that could mean anything. He’d cleaned up. The works. The brand-new, custom-tailored slacks and coat felt awkward. Since leaving the hallowed halls of the home his father and stepmother shared, Evan had lived in fatigues, cargoes and jeans. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to wear a shirt and tie—a small concession to feeling like himself. Mostly, he’d wanted to stride back into Kat’s life the way she had described.

Like a god.

She could make him feel that dynamic, as easily as she could make him feel like a dense fool. Tonight, he was going to be powerful. That meant looking the part, acting the part and meaning every word.

“My questions were hypothetical,” he began. “I want some of what I listed—you most of all—but we both know I’d be lying through my teeth if I promised to sit in an office to make that happen.”

“If you lie through your teeth, I’ll smack them in with my broom.”

“Useful, now that you found it.”

“More useful than just sweeping.” She crossed her arms, accentuating the sensual curve of her plumped breasts. She wore a baby-doll T-shirt that had seen better days, not as snug as it should’ve been for that style. “Spit it out, Evan. I let you in because… I don’t know. I let you in, so you owe me some answers.”

Shaking his head, he moved to the couch she’d liberated from a few stacks of paper. “Which room did you clean first?”

An eye flick gave her away. The bedroom. The room that could be her sanctuary.

Moving slowly, as if to keep from scaring a timid, wild animal, he approached her. He swore to himself he’d stop if she uttered a word of protest. He’d find some other way past her defenses. He had no doubt he could, but closeness would be a good start.

Within two feet, he stood looking down at the most beautiful woman he’d ever known. The stubborn point of her chin and the roundness of her cheeks were balanced by the sweep of her stick-straight hair over delicately carved temples. She was tired and beaten around, but she was still Katsu. She was fighting back against the swamp that threatened to drag her into the muck. Evan would never be more proud than to be the one to help keep her out of that swamp for good.

He grabbed the back of her neck. “Don’t move.”

Despite a flare of resistance, she closed her eyes and relaxed into his firm hold. “Don’t. God, Evan, please don’t.”

Drawing her close, he kissed the soft place behind her earlobe and worked around her to her chin, until he could whisper against her irresistible mouth. “We’ve had it all wrong, shark. There
is
a compromise…if you think we’re worth giving it a try.”

“Compromise?” She snuck a kiss so soft and brief that he wondered whether she’d done it purposefully. Maybe she’d been drawn to him, just how he was elementally drawn to her. He’d be a damn lucky man if she felt the same in return.

“Take me to your bedroom.” He tempered his voice, making it both an order and request. The shudder that tore across her shoulders twisted his heart, because she didn’t want to. He hefted his backpack and took her hand. “Do it, Kat.”

“Fine.” Her tone was defiant, but the way she grabbed his hand and held it in a vise grip revealed so much more. She practically dragged him. “There. Bedroom. Does it meet with your approval?”

Though she infused her words with sarcasm, hiding behind her defenses, he answered it straight. “Yes, it does. You’ve done a very good job, Katsu.” Her quick smile gave his heart another twist. It wasn’t a sarcastic smile, just one that revealed her pleasure at his words. He could live forever when she made him feel invincible. “Now, sit on the bed. We have to talk.”

“On the bed? Either that’s the worst line you’ve ever pulled on me, or we’re using the bed for the wrong reasons.”

“These are the right reasons. Trust me.” He carefully laid the backpack at the foot of the bed, sat and held out his hand. “Can you do that, Katsu? Trust me? Just tonight. If you can’t go through with what I suggest, then we’ll part with the closure we both need—the closure you deserved the first time around. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to give you that when you needed it.”

She blinked rapidly. Her gaze darted around the room, with its pale yellow walls that seemed cheerful and intimate at the same time. She had to have chosen the shade because it fit her perfectly.

After a deep breath, she nodded. “Fine. You get one shot at this.”

“Do you want me to succeed or fail?”

Another couple of blinks, this time to banish an emotion he couldn’t interpret. Hope? Fear? They looked the same when they mingled in her dark eyes. “Depends on the suggestion.”

“Like I said, the solution has been here the whole time. If you can believe in it, and I can too, then we can do this. I can go, you can wait, and we can weather it all.”

“I find that impossible to believe.”

“I can head out, if you’re that dead set.”

A wan, tired, surprising smile tipped her lips. “You leaving? That’s too predictable. Surprise me.”

Evan waited until she joined him on the bed before he opened the backpack. He slowly removed each item. Katsu’s silences were soon replaced by quiet noises of surprise and appreciation. She pulled her legs up and tucked them to the side. Her posture became more proper and expectant every time he reached into the plain but so-damn-important pack. She seemed to hover, waiting for more and more.

The tempest in Evan’s chest eased. He had this. He had them both.

Between them on the bed, he lined up his offerings.

A CD player and a disk.

A wind spinner.

A long string of beads.

A trio of scented taper candles, each with an ornate bronze holder.

A Zippo engraved with her name.

And an exquisitely crafted leather cuff.

“Do you know what these are, Katsu?”

“Some came from Quincy,” she said, the words reverent enough to be spoken in church. “And that’s from the leather shop.”

“That’s right. I went back this afternoon. It took me an hour to decide which would best suit a shark and a princess.”

“I can’t accept it, Evan. That’s…that’s permanent. It’s practically
wedding ring
permanent if you mean what I think it means, especially the way you’re presenting all of this.”

“Who says it isn’t that important to me too?” He folded his hand over hers, which was frigid and shaking. “Let me explain.”

She nodded.

“Part of what I never realized about my time at Annapolis is that it wasn’t just an education. I’d been so pissed at my dad. The asshole. What sort of guy bribes his son with a bigger trust fund, only to wedge him into a uniform? But good job, him. He won his senatorial bid, and I found gold at the end of the rainbow.” He grinned, almost embarrassed. “You know, not once had I ever been told to clean my room? We had three housekeepers. I didn’t know how to make a bed or roll socks.”

She ducked her head at that. “Sorry.”

Evan nudged her chin upward and kissed her forehead. “It’s okay. Nothing about yesterday was easy. If I’d been locked up in a cage, I’d have rattled some bars too.”

Her posture retained the strict alertness he’d come to associate with her readiness to obey, but the tension around her eyes had eased. She was letting him talk, letting him touch. “Not even socks?”

“Not a damn thing. I learned all the scholastic crap that came with being a midshipman while running to play catch-up with guys who’d helped their single moms for years. They’d worked to be there, and they sure as hell knew how to make a bed. The funny thing was, I should’ve had a rich-boy chip on my shoulder and blown the whole thing off. It wasn’t like Dad was going to let me drop out.” He traced the scrollwork on one of the candleholders. “That never happened. I sucked up discipline like a sponge. I craved it. I became a better person by the day. I was more centered.”

“You still manage, even though you don’t have a drill sergeant looming over you. How? I’ve been trying for years and can’t get it right.”

“I learned to take that discipline into myself and make it my own. I created my own calm by controlling myself. Hell, I try to control everyone else.” He stared deep into her eyes. He threaded their fingers together, and kissed her again, this time with more heat, more command. She wouldn’t shy away from him forever.

“These are coping mechanisms,” he said against her moist skin. “Forget about me for a minute. You need ways to keep your brain from dribbling out your ears when your dad’s in trouble. And if you want to give
us
a fighting chance, you’ll need to deal with days like yesterday—and longer stretches.”

“I know that. God, Evan, I know.”

“Good. Then it’s time to learn your ritual.”

“My
what
?” Her tone was dripping with shock that shoved distance between them.

Evan was having none of it. “Your ritual. This is what you’ll do every night before you go to sleep.”

Kat skewered him with a look that would’ve splintered trees into timber. “Yeah, right.”

“You only have to trust me for a few more minutes. Do as I say.”

“Fine.”

“Clear everything from your nightstand. Put it in the bathroom, a cabinet—whatever. But the nightstand is our blank canvas. Then arrange the candles and holders in any way that pleases your aesthetic.”

Her brows drew together, so tightly skeptical. “You’ve gone crazy. Does Dad know? He’ll have Gemma declare you unfit for service, and you won’t have to choose between work and me. That’s the scheme, isn’t it?”

“I stopped joking about five minutes ago, Kat. Take it or leave it. As for your dad, he’ll never know anything about this. He’ll only know that you can cope a lot better than you ever have.”

“He’ll give you all the credit for reining me in.”

Evan caught her fingers where she’d reached for one of the tapers. He ducked to meet her downcast eyes. “We’ll both know that isn’t true. Call it domination and submission. Call it I like giving orders and you like obeying them. I don’t care. But it works for both of us, and it will take both of us giving our all. It’s not a game, remember? I have to make my own calm all the time, by controlling myself. You… At the hotel especially, you gave me the release of being able to control
you
. I could let go of all the worry and strain, just like you did.”

He must’ve said something right. No sense in dissecting what that was, not when Kat stood from the bed. One by one, she moved a book, a ceramic bowl that contained a few rings, her tablet and a reading lamp to the nightstand on the far side of the bed. That she was being so cooperative lit a small, burning flame in the pit of Evan’s stomach. Desire was beginning to overtake hope. She even went so far as to grab wood polish and clean the white-painted pine.

That done, she stowed the cleaning products and washed her hands. Returning from the bathroom…she was changed. There was peace in her eyes. There was curiosity. There was relief. Without speaking, she collected the bronze holders and arranged them on the nightstand, clumping them in a neat, tight trio. The candles came next.

She turned to him, wearing a small smile. “I like them.”

“Good. Every night I’m gone, the first step is to light your candles. Then go about your business, all your nighttime stuff. They’re the last step too, when you blow them out one at a time. But when you light them, you’ll say, ‘I miss you. I love you. And…” he couldn’t help smiling, “…and get your ass back here.”

She smiled back. “Will I get demerits for each one? Cuz those could rack up.”

“No demerits for anything I don’t hear.” He extended his hand, holding out the Zippo. “Besides, you give me plenty to work with already.”