Never Been Kissed: A Never Been Novel (30 page)

I almost snort. Almost.

“And of course, that British gentleman that played Loki, the god of mischief, and a sexy pain in the ass in the
Avengers
. I know who you perv on, Delos, and I approve for the most part. So? Which one is gay? Not like you ever had a chance, these sexy mofos in Hollywood, or er, London or whatever, go after their own kind – models and shit. And you baby, are only five-four.”

“No one’s
gay.” I almost want to laugh.

“Then what the fuck happened? Are you pregnant?
Holy shit,
are
you?” She bounces onto her side, jostling me in the bed. Eyes big in her face, I’m not sure I can tell her. I end up shrugging a shoulder, a tiny movement, while I let my eyes droop shut.

“Don’t ruin your Friday because of me. Go hang out with your work buddies, or the boys. I’ll be okay.”

I won’t be okay, I won’t be okay. Stay here with me, and see that I’m not okay. Fix me, make me feel better.

“Ruin my Friday?
I’m a single bitch, I get to do whatever the fuck I want. I don’t have to say anything to
anybody
and it’s awesome. Hey, where’s the Sex God?”

I clear my throat, keeping my eyes closed all the while. Here it is, here it com
es.

“We
... We broke up.”

“Yeah? What happened?” Cautious, she’s cautious now. Her voice is smooth and delicate like she’s trying to talk down a potential jumper.
You’ve got something to live for...

“He wanted somebod
y else, that’s all.”

I can hear her frowning, it changes the bubble of silence in my bed. “That doesn’t make sense. Start from the beginning. I can’t make an accurate analysis if I don’t have all the s
pecifics. One, two, three, go.”

I sigh good and long, telling her without words that I
don’t want to talk about this.

“C’mon, you know you wanna tell me
everything
.” She play-punches me on the shoulder. “Or I could always knock on his door and ask him what
he
thinks happened.”

My heart races, making me warm. I’d rather go back to numb. “Go ahead. He’ll
tell you what I just told you.”

“Still doesn’t make sense, Sera. You were happy, you told me so in dail
y texts.”

“I misread everything.”

“Impossible. You’re the smartest person I know,” she says this like smarts are what got me into this. My brain took a bloody vacation and my dumb heart took over. I clearly wasn’t
thinking straight
when I fell in love with Hunter.

“You don
’t know a lot of people, then.”

She sits up abruptly, taking the blankets with her. I claw at them, dragging them up to my chin and resume looking through her.

“Stop this! Stop being so pathetic!” Tough love - I hate it. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and tell me what happened.” Katie snarls, pulling on the covers again.

“What does it matter?” My voice is so dead-sounding, you don’t even hear the last bit being a question. “It’s over. I’m look
ing for new places to move into.”

“What about
Matty? What about him?”

“What
about
him?” Shit, I’m not so numb anymore. “He’s Hunter’s, okay? He’s not mine, never was. Hunter made his choice. He doesn’t want me.”

“Just tell me what happened.”

“We’ve been fighting a lot lately. Shit escalated. It’s over. He wants the chick he was banging before he met me. I left him to it.”

“You caught them together?”

I snort. Shit. “Not with the canoe in the pink taco as such, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Canoe... in the pink taco? Oh my God, that’s like,
a Tommy-worthy innuendo. Five points to Gryffindor!”

I can’t help the little leap of excitement that’s centered in my bel
ly. “You’ve read Harry Potter?”

She holds her hands out, palms facing me, like
whoa, horsey
. “Look at that, one mention of our favourite boy wizard and she’s back from the dead.” Katie smiles a bright one with teeth at me. “I’ve only read the first three. The fourth is HUGE. I don’t know when I’ll ever be done. And you know what? They keep getting better.”

“True that.”

Katie frowns, voice soft. “Can you please tell me what happened?”

I’m not going to win this; when Katie wants something it’s best to give it to her ‘
cause she can
whine
. “Not before I eat four brownies and a bowl of ice cream.”

Katie grins,
rolls over and tumbles out of my bed, landing on all fours. I don’t even ask if she’s okay. I just laugh and laugh and laugh. Funny thing is, I don’t know if she did that on purpose or not.

When I’m done downing sugar in all its glorious forms, I tell her everything. Every little detail that I can remember. She makes the appropriate noises. Growls when Hunter says something stupid or yelled at me, big
aaaaawwws
when Matty says something cute, and excited gasps when Hunt said sweet things about wanting me.

But
she scream-squeaks when I tell her that I fell in love. And then bursts into tears right along with me as I say those words out loud, words I never got to tell him.

Katie then vows
that she’ll hunt down Alysha and make sure she pays for messing with my man.

I tell her that Hunter’s not mine anymore.

“That better be a fucking
joke
, Sera.”

I frown. “I’m not going to be with someone who cheated on me. I already have low enough self-esteem, I don’t need that s
hit hanging over my head, too.”

Katie shakes her head and bites her lip, like she’s afraid to tell me something really important
.“You don’t actually
know
anything, right? Like, she drove him to the hospital. You already hinted at him being a loner, maybe the guy doesn’t have any friends? How else was he going to get to the hospital?”

“By bus? His own two feet? Why d
id he have to call her?” I say.

Katie shakes her head at me again, but the kind of head-shake that says I’m missing out on a vital piece o
f the puzzle. It pisses me off.

“You told me his sugar was probably out of whack, right? What makes you think he would jeopardize himself by walking to the h
ospital when you have his car?”

“W
hose side are you on?!” I get my feet under me, and get up from the couch. Stalking to the fridge, I get myself a glass of water, and don’t get one for Katie. That’s right, total badass. “He spent three hours with her, instead of being with me and his son. His son, K. What the fuck was he doing in all that time?”

She’s holding her hands out again. I just see them as potential targets for my fists instead of the universal ‘calm-down’ gesture they’re meant for.

“What if... what if he didn’t call her until last minute? Wait, just hear me out. You have no way of knowing if he spent the three hours with her or the last ten minutes or whatever it takes to drive to the hospital.”

She has a point. Damn it. “He could have called me.” No, no, he couldn’t’ve, because I forgot to take my phone when I left with Matty. I don’t lik
e how this story is shaping up.

“Fine, then why didn’t he stop me from walking away, huh? What kind of asshole does that, right? Riddle me
that!
”

“I’m with you there. Total dick move. But maybe he was pissed off, too? Or embarrassed or ashamed?” She’s picking at the hem of her KISS tee. I don’t know what that means. I’ve never seen her look so uncertain before. “You know, you have a really bad habit of comparing your
friends, and anyone you let get close to you to superheroes or people in your books or movies. Real people aren’t like that, you know? Most of the time, we don’t do the right thing, Sera. Most of the time we don’t save the day.”

“Fuck, you’re supposed to be making me feel better, not shittier. Christ, just stop talking.”I rub my eyes, refusing to cry anymore. They itch so much, I wonder if I’ve exhausted my tears supply for the year. I sigh, long and hard, letting all my misery out with it.

“Maybe he played us all, but I thought he was really into you, Super S. He was straight up about it, which as we all know, deserves points. And if he just thought you were another piece and you didn’t give it up that first night, he would’ve moved on.”

“You’re making sense, but what if he gets off on t
he chase, on the capitulation?”

Katie frowns at me. “You’re just finding questions to torment yourself with now. Stop it. You really need to stop this. Aren’t you tired of it all? Making yourself the victim in every goddamn situation?” She puts her hands through her long hair, giving it a tug by each side of her ears.

I take a step back, and feel like I’ve been stabbed. “What did you just say to me?”

Katie stays on the couch, and takes a deep breath. “I’m telling you the truth. Why are you sabotaging your own happiness? Why are you letting all those fuckers you have for a family win? WHY?” She yells, getting up from the couch so fast, I backpedal into the kitchen counter, hitting my spine
in a horizontal slice of pain.

“You think I want to feel this fucking way? You think I like feeling like this?” I snarl at her, ignoring the way she’s holding my biceps and trying to keep me in place. I might just punch her in the face, damn my hand and if it breaks again. I don’t care.

Katie’s three inches from my face, close enough that I can smell chocolate on her breath. “YES! That way you use it as a fucking excuse for everything that doesn’t go your way! Shitty job, well, it’s ‘cause your asshole parents told you you were worthless without a dependable degree. Never been kissed, your shitty brother and uncle called you fat and ugly all your life, and you decide to believe it. Every time something good or bad happens to you, you corrupt it with what you think of yourself. I’m tired of telling you what you’re worth and having you shove it back in my face.” Her chocolate eyes are dry, and there’s no pain there, only anger.“When are you going to believe that you deserve something good in your life?”

I can’t speak. The connection between my brain and mouth is temporarily out of service.

She sighs, and looks down at her hands that are still on my biceps.

“I bet you didn’t believe a single word he told you. I bet you thought he was lying, that he was making it up. The whole time that he was ma
king up how much he wants you.”

I don’t a
nswer and that’s answer enough.

“Where’s your phone?” she asks and drops her arms from me abruptly. I let her rummage around my place for the charger and the phone. “God, you have a hundred messages. A
lmost a hundred. That’s dedication. I’m gonna sit here until you read every single one. Sit your ass down.”

I shake my head, heart being squeezed by an invisible fist in my chest. I can’t do this, I can’t. I just came to terms with being alone again, and now she wants me to p
ut salt in the wound?

“You read them. I don’t care anymore. That ship has sailed.”

Katie’s face screws up, like some wiring got crossed and screwed up a perfectly good facial expression. “You can’t just be over someone in a week! You’re not a cyborg!”

“I co
uld be. I just never told you.”

“Shut up... Just shut up. Oh, God,” she breathes, scrolling through text after text. “He wrote a novel. A
novel! Would you just read it?”

I
shake my head.

“Just read it. Nothing’s gonna change if you read it. You’re still ‘broken up’.” She does air quotes. I hate it when she does air quotes
. She hands me my phone, hard enough that it smacks against the skin of my hand.

“I’ll read it after, alright?” She knows I’m lying, but pretends like she got through to me. We settle back on the couch and stare at the
TV without talking. I let her have control of the remote, as she goes through channel and channel so fast, I can’t even see what I’m missing.

“You’ve lost too much weight. I don’t think he’d want you now, anyway,” she says.

Searching for that numbness again, I say, “I know what you’re doing, and it’s not going to work.”

Kati
e looks at me, but I keep looking at the TV. Finally, out of the corner of my eye, I see her turn her head back to the screen.

“Are you happier now that you’re skinny? Was that the magic spell you needed to be happier, Sera? And now you’re wondering why nothing’s changed. Why can’t you just get that weight, age, whatever... i
t’s just a number.”

I don’t want to hear this anymore. Not when I think she’s right, and I think I’ve been in the wrong. And I’ve made myself completely miserable; I’ve wasted so much time being utterly miserable with my l
ife.

“Do you like apples?”

“No. You’re not going to use movie quotes to get yourself out of this one.” She points the remote at me like it’s the Elder Wand. “We’re going to watch some show like civilized people and I’m going to pretend I don’t want to throat punch you. Good plan, no?”

I shake my head, and keep looking at the screen. My cell is calling me, like a black hole sucking all my attention, just sitting there on the counter. I just stare at it when I think Katie isn’t looking. If I had Jedi mind powers, I could use the Force to bring it to my hand without having to get up and go to the kitchen counter, where I left it.

I want to read what he wrote me, but I don’t want to read what he wrote me. His words have the seductive potential of changing my mind, and I’m not sure that’s in my best interest. What if he hurts me again? What if, after I read his texts, he chooses Alysha anyway?

What if?

“Take a chance, Sera,” Katie says from my right, catching me in the act of staring at my phone. “This is as low as you can go. Kinda freeing, isn’t it? And I’ll be here to pick you up, if need be. Promise.”

I nod, throat thick with some kind of emotion I don’t want to give a name to. I get up from the couch, snag my phone,
then take my place back. Katie keeps flicking through channels, giving me a small amount of privacy.

I open one of his texts and begin to read:

I know what it looked like, trust me. If you’d done the same thing to me, I’d be climbing the fucking walls. I deserve this, whatever punishment you’re going to give me, I do. I should never have started anything with you, Sera. It was selfish and an asshole thing to do.

I was being an asshole those first few times we were together – I wanted you to stay away. I knew what you were, I knew what you could be
to me with one look at your shirts, and the smile, and the book in your hand and how you were oblivious to everything else in the world, even me.

The only words I can offer you are I’m sorry. Two words, seven letters. Nothing special, right? But just know that I really mean them, more than I’ve meant anything in my entire life.

I wish we could have had more time. I could’ve explained everything to you, and not played you from the beginning. I’m not Matty’s biological father. He was my sister’s, and her name was Jules. She died three years ago when Matty was one. She died when she was twenty-five, the same age as you are now.

Seems like a sick twist of fate, right? I don’t think I ever told you how much I believe in that shit. Something out there put you in my path, showed me what a good woman could do for a fucked up guy like me. How she could make him want to be better for her, for his nephew who ca
lls him Dad.

I just w
ant you to know the truth.

Aly
and I were done the day after you took me to the hospital. She tried talking with my Mom about our situation. Our parents knew each other when they were growing up, and me and her, we’ve been groomed for an imminent marriage with all the finesse of a business transaction. No matter how many women I had in between, or how many guys she’s fucked instead of me. And she’s freaking out, especially now that her parents are broke and her blow money’s running out.

Yeah, she does drugs. I used to, too. She was the one who gave me my first hit when I found out about my diabetes, when I was eighteen. I felt like she was the only person I could turn to
, and I loved her, or thought I did. All my friends looked at me differently, and the pity in their eyes, I wanted to rip them out of their sockets. Funny thing about pity is, it’s still there, whether you see it or not. You feel it on your skin, and it gets stuck in your head.

So Aly
and I have history. Like I told you, baby, I’m nothing but a cock and an impending orgasm for her. You, you make me feel like I could be so much more. My sugar was spiking last Friday when we fought. I ran hard for an hour at the gym, trying to get it down as much as I could. It dropped, and I was out of it until I could get my head in gear to get to the hospital.

Mostly I was ashamed. That I let you take my kid to the hospital without me. That you were right about everything, that I’m
not a good Dad. So I called Aly in a moment of stupidity.

Didn’t even take a little convincing to drive me over, while her hand tried to get into my jeans, and down
my boxers. I’m sorry, but you have to believe I nearly broke her hand when she did that. You have to know that. I only want you. Only you, Sera. Nerdy shirts and all. Reading my boy Harry Potter every night, and smiling at me from my bed every morning, even kicking me out, ‘cause you’re body temperature goes out of whack when I’m close by.

I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry I hurt you, that I drove you away. I can’t ask for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. I’ve done bad things, least of all with Matty.
You’re lucky to be free of me.