Mr Blackwell: Teacher Student Romance (10 page)

39

‘Keep it going,’ I tell her. ‘You’re doing well. Don’t let it go.’

She comes back into character, and I see her body change.

‘Perhaps you’d like to see more?’ She turns around, sliding her jumper down over her shoulder and looking back at me, smiling.

This is better. More comfortable. We’re just two actors playing parts.

‘Very nice,’ I reply.

‘Could you help me unlace this costume?’ she asks.

I swallow. Oh god. I am so drawn to her. The thought of being close to her … this will be painful. Because I can’t touch her. I can’t have her. I can’t do the things to her that I want.

I take a deep breath and stand behind her, picturing a corset laced at her back.

I reach up and put my fingers between her shoulder blades, pretending to pull laces free.

My fingers feel like they’re glued to her skin. It’s hard to move them down her back and onto the fabric of her jumper. When I reach her lower back, she moves away and pretends to step out of her costume.

Then she turns back and puts her arms around my neck, her eyes meeting mine, sharp and cold.

Christ!

Sophia is Jennifer through and through. A seductress. Tempting Antonio.

Pain hits me from every angle.

This girl. This
girl
… I’ve never met anyone I wanted so much in all my life. I have women throw themselves at me on a daily basis. I’m never wanting for bed partners. I could have a different woman every day if I wanted. But I don’t want other women. I want this woman.

Yet I can’t have her.

Furious with myself, I battle to stay in character. To stay with Antonio. I try to ignore the feeling of Sophia’s arms around my neck. Of her body pressed against mine. I can’t be weak.

I am her teacher.

I am her
teacher
.

She says, ‘I’m yours if you want me.’

If only that were true …

I stare at her fiercely, struggling to keep Antonio alive.

‘I do,’ I say, relieved to hear that my voice sounds like Antonio’s and not my own.

I know I only have to hold on for a few more seconds. Just a few seconds longer and the scene ends.

Stay in control, Marc Blackwell. Stay in control.

She needn’t ever see what I’m feeling. If I can only hold it together for a few more seconds.

I’m about to step away from her. To tell her well done. And that I’ll see her in class tomorrow. But suddenly, her lips come to mine and she kisses me.

I can’t breathe.

My eyes close. I know I’m frowning. The pain is unbelievable. A perfect fire that will burn me up.

She moves back a little, as if to pull away. I know I should let her. But something in my body takes over and I pull her back. I can’t help it. There is no control now – maybe there never was.

I press my lips back to hers and pull her body into me. She’s warm and fragile in my arms. And so, so beautiful.

She tastes like sweet flowers and I can’t get enough. My hand slides into her hair and I pull her closer.

In this moment, I can’t pretend any longer. I want her. God, I want her.

Her lips move against mine, and I know she feels what I’m feeling. That we belong together.

Just as I was thinking life couldn’t get any crueller, she sighs and my arms tighten around her.

God I have to have her. In every way. Forever and ever. I want to tie her down. To have her submit to me …

That last thought sobers me and I pull us upright.

We break apart, and Sophia stares at me, confused.

She knows. She knows I was kissing her. And not the character. There was no way to hide it. Yet she has no idea what I’m capable of. And where this could lead.

I stalk towards the theatre steps. When I reach them I turn, holding up my watch.

‘There’s somewhere I need to be,’ I tell her.

Christ.

She’s well aware of what just happened. I lost control and kissed her. Not as a character. Not as part of a play. For real.

One of my students …

What sort of man am I?

40

That first kiss with Sophia … I will never forget it. As long as I live. I never knew a woman could feel like that. Never realised my cold heart had any chance of opening.

And of course, I was terrified. Absolutely fucking terrified.

So I ran.

I booked in a substitute lecturer, told Denise I was visiting my sister and left.

I’m not a man who runs away from things. Ever. A difficult part. A difficult director. A fight … I never run. I always stand my ground. But this was different. Because I couldn’t bear to hurt her, and I knew if I stayed I would.

I did see my sister. Briefly. She was better than she had been. There were glimmers that she might be pulling herself out of the swamp. But I learned long ago there’s nothing I can do for her. Only what she can do for herself. That’s the way drugs work.

My intention was to forget about Sophia. To put distance between us and get her out of my head. But the more time I spent away from her, the more my heart ached.

I found myself doing the most ridiculous things – watching Macbeth in a small, West End theatre, walking in the woods …

I even dug out Sophia’s audition footage and watched her over and over.

I convinced myself that Sophia was simply an addiction. A bad habit. Something I needed to struggle against. Addiction, after all, runs in my family.

I reasoned that this particular habit was just like when I was sixteen and met Cassandra. In time, this obsession would pass.

Yet truthfully, I knew Sophia was different. I ached for her. Literally ached for her. She was all I could think about. I had no relief, day or night.

The thought of her lips on mine – it played over and over in my mind, torturing me.

It’s funny – you get to spot the type of girl. The ones who want to be dominated. But Sophia … she was different. I knew she’d enjoy it. But it wasn’t about that. Truthfully, it was about turning her into a woman. Even helping her acting, in a strange sort of way. Not that I thought her acting was bad. But I knew she could be incredible. If I opened her up, she could be astonishing.

After a few weeks, I couldn’t stand it any more. I couldn’t stand being away from her.

I told myself that I needed to get back to the college. That I was letting the pupils down. Which was true. And of course, I resolved to never place myself in temptation’s way, as far as Sophia was concerned. No more one-on-ones.

I thought that seeing her develop and grow as an actress … maybe that would be enough. Maybe that would lessen the aching in my heart.

The pain … it was unbearable back then.

I run my hand down Sophia’s sleeping body and put my lips to her hair.

She smells incredible.

To think there was a time when we weren’t together – it’s hard to imagine.

I put a gentle hand on Sophia’s hair, feeling her warmth beneath me.

She’s mine. And she wants to be mine.

Beauty fell in love with the beast.

And the beast will protect her. Forever and always.

Sophia has seen me. All of me. Light and dark. And she loves me.

I have let go.

I have become part of her, and she of me. I thought if we were together … that I’d corrupt her. Ruin her. Take her into a dark world she’d never be free of.

But it’s been the other way around. She’s taken me into her lightness.

For the first time in my life, I see the side of myself that is light. Human. Loving.

I have been such a total, complete bastard to women. I have used them and cast them aside. I haven’t loved a single one of them up until now. I never understood how people could have relationships. Get close in that way.

Now I have Sophia, it all makes sense. I understand. Love. It’s what was missing. And Sophia is the only girl I will ever love.

41

So here I am, back on campus. Heading towards the lecture theatre.

And I’m going to see Sophia today.

My heart pounds at the thought.

This has to stop now, this obsession.

I kissed her …

Yes. I did. I kissed my student. In the theatre where I should have been teaching her. I couldn’t resist her, it was as simple as that. But it won’t happen again. I will not let her get so close a second time. No more one-on-ones – Denise can handle those from now on.

I can handle Sophia in a classroom of students, although it will be painful.

I wonder if she thought of me while I was away, and instinctively know that she did.

This will be hard for her too – seeing me again. I know that. But she’s young and beautiful and she’ll move on. There are many men she will get close to in her life. For me, there will only ever be her.

Denise tells me there have been all sorts of ridiculous rumours about why I left so suddenly – one of them being that I’m in love with a pupil.

I didn’t give anything away. Denise is an intuitive woman, but I am an exceptional actor.

I march along the corridor.

A mass of students stands outside the lecture theatre, and I know Sophia is among them somewhere. But I don’t look for her.

It’s only when I get right near the door that I see her – eyes wide and hurt. But she’s not looking at me. She’s staring at the floor, all false pride and bravado.

My heart squeezes to the point of pain.

Just get through this first lecture. It will be easier after this …

I stand at the front of the theatre, waiting for the students to filter in.

Of course, Sophia sits at the front. It’s her usual seat. It would be odd if she didn’t take that one – people might start to gossip.

I can handle this.

I take papers from my laptop case, frowning.

I cannot look at her. I cannot engage with her in any way. And I don’t.

The whole lecture, I pretend that Sophia is invisible – some pupil I hardly know. I do not love her. I do not want to take her to bed with me. I am numb.

Of course, it’s hard not to notice how nervous Sophia is. Her hands are shaking so much she can barely make notes. When I see that, my heart aches. I want to hold her and make it all okay. But me holding her would be very far from okay.

I don’t look at her. I don’t talk to her. I don’t even meet her eye when I pass her a handout. I am as cold as cold.

I ask questions, but I never call on Sophia for the answer.

42

When class finishes, I ignore the stream of pupils heading towards the door and stuff papers into my laptop case.

Gradually, the room falls silent. And then I feel her, right beside me.

Sophia.

I don’t look up. ‘We’ve said all we need to say to each other, Miss Rose.’

It’s hard, being so cutting to such a gentle, sweet girl. But it’s for the best.

‘No,’ says Sophia. ‘There’s something I need to say to you.’

I close my laptop case and look purposefully towards the back of the room.

‘Please, Sophia, don’t make this harder than it already is.’

‘This isn’t fair,’ she says. ‘You ignored me all through class. I’m here to take this course just like anyone else. I haven’t done anything to you—’

Christ
. Haven’t done anything to me! If only she knew …

I cut her short. ‘I thought it for the best. I thought you’d be pleased I’m acting professionally.
Properly
.’

‘I don’t want you to ignore me.’

‘Yes, you do. You just don’t realise it. Believe me, Sophia – if you had any sense, you’d be running out that door.’

‘Please,’ she says. ‘Even if nothing can happen between us, can’t we just try and act normally?’

How can she not know what I’m feeling inside? ‘I don’t think that’s possible.’

‘Why not?’

‘You really want to know?’ I look right at her – straight into those melting brown eyes.

‘Yes,’ she replies. ‘After your talk a few weeks back about managing your emotions, I’d really like to know.’

I laugh, but it’s not a kind laugh. If only she could see the battle it is to manage my emotions around her. ‘That’s exactly what I
am
doing. Managing my emotions.’

‘By ignoring me?’

‘Yes. And if I didn’t ignore you ...’ I look away from her.

‘What?’ she asks.

Just tell her. She must know anyway. Of course she knows. How can she not?

I look her right in the eye. ‘It’s going to be hard to stop myself.’

‘From what?’

‘From crossing the line.’

Sophia’s lovely browny-white skin turns pink.

Christ. I am a fucking idiot.

‘Who says I’d agree to that?’ she says.

‘I do.’ The people who call me arrogant have it wrong. I tell the truth, that’s all. And if the truth happens to be that I performed exceptionally or own the best drama college in the world … well I tell it.

Sophia does want me. Her flushed neck and awkward body tell me so.

I hear someone walking down the corridor, and realise how exposed we are – talking openly in the classroom like this. I couldn’t give a damn about myself, but I have Sophia to protect right now.

I open the stationery cupboard.

‘In here.’ I grab her wrist. ‘Now.’

I pull Sophia into the cupboard and slam the door closed.

‘I don’t want people gossiping,’ I say, somewhat distracted by the thump of my heart.

The two of us together, in this confined space … it’s hell. God I want her. The things I want to do to her …

I feel my fingers tightening around her wrist.

Suddenly I’m angry. Doesn’t she know what I’m capable of? Doesn’t she have any interest in protecting herself?

‘Are you trying to torture me?’ I breathe. ‘Staying after class, making this so much more difficult than it already is?’

I’m very aware that I’m still holding her wrist. And I don’t want to let go.

‘Of course not,’ she says.

‘You don’t know what it means to be mixed up with me.’ My grip tightens.

Let her see, let her know what I am.

‘True,’ she says. ‘But ... maybe I’m willing to find out.’

I close my eyes. She has no idea. Absolutely no fucking idea. If she did, how could she want to find out more? But perhaps this is the only way. Once she sees what I truly am, she’ll run screaming.

No she won’t,
a little voice says.
She’ll submit to you. You know she will.

My heart is beating so hard I can barely breathe.

‘If anything happens between us,’ I hear myself say, ‘it would damage your reputation.’

‘And yours,’ she says.

‘I couldn’t care less about me,’ I snap. ‘I have enough money to never work again. People – newspapers – talk about me all the time. I’m used to it. It doesn’t bother me. But you’re not part of that world and I don’t want you to suffer its ugliness.’ I shake my head. ‘I can’t do that to you. It wouldn’t be right.’

‘But it
feels
so right,’ she says. ‘You must feel it too. That there’s something pulling us together.’

I run my hand through my hair, still feeling her skin beneath my fingers. It’s soft and delicate and will bruise oh so easily.

Tell her,
says the little voice.
Tell her the truth. She knows it anyway.

I take a deep breath.

‘Yes. I feel it,’ I tell her. ‘I’ll admit that much.’