Manipulation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (5 page)

First Samuel 16:7 tells us,
“The L
ORD
does not look at the things man looks at. ... The L
ORD
looks at the heart.”

There is no record that Adam wrestled with his conscience or even attempted to wrestle the forbidden fruit from Eve’s hand.

The Bible says,
“She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it”
(Genesis 3:6). Period. Case closed. End of story. Well—not quite.

The sweetness of the fruit quickly sours as
“the eyes of both of them were opened”
(Genesis 3:7), and they realize—for the first time—they are naked. A flood of emotions sweeps over them: discomfort with their nakedness, vulnerability, guilt, alienation, and fear.

The devil accomplished his goal. He succeeded in bringing sin into God’s creation and into the lives of His cherished couple. He challenged God’s power and control, and now he feels he has won the battle.

“You [Satan] said in your heart ... ‘I will make myself like the Most High.’” (Isaiah 14:13–14)

• Make them feel guilty
  
• Present reality the way they want others to see it
  
• Get others to believe what they want them to believe
  
• Control others to protect themselves, fearing being “taken advantage of”
  
• Get “their way”
  
• Maintain a dependent relationship even when the friendship is unhealthy
  
• Avoid having to meet their own obligations and responsibilities in life
  
• Appear positive when they actually feel negative toward someone
  
• Rescue them or clean up after their problems
  
• Make others feel sorry for them and take responsibility for them
  
• Intentionally confuse others with unclear messages
  
• Get others to do for them what they would not otherwise choose to do
  
• Get away with not having to meet their own obligations in life
  
• Keep them from moving away from the relationship
  
• Get others to feel responsible for them or for their welfare
  
• Control the emotions and reasoning of the ones being manipulated
  
• Win the battle for control
  

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)

After succumbing to manipulation, Adam and Eve sew fig leaves together for clothing—uneasy with their nakedness. They hear the Lord walking in the garden, and rather than respond to Him, they hide from Him.

“The L
ORD
God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’”
(As if He has no clue!)

Then Adam answers,
“I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

God replies,
“Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
(Genesis 3:9–11).

The silver-tongued snake manipulates the first pair with a promise: The forbidden fruit will make them wise. Now, having succumbed to manipulation, the couple actually attempts to manipulate their Creator, proving that rather than becoming wise, they have become merely weak-minded.

Typically, the manipulated don’t understand why they are so easily manipulated. They fail to realize that it is as simple as choosing to whom they will respond: their manipulator or their Maker.

Typically, they have a combination of the following:

• Misplaced Dependence on the Manipulator
  22
  
  • “I must have you in my life.”
    
  • “I need you to give meaning and purpose to my life.”
    
  • “I have to have your approval in order to feel significant.”
    

  Solution
  

  “Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?”
  (Isaiah 2:22).
  

• Misplaced Priorities
  23
  
  • “What others think is more important than anything else.”
    
  • “The judgment and opinion of others takes precedence over my own.”
    
  • “The end justifies the means, even if it involves violating my conscience.”
    

  Solution
  

  “I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man”
  (Acts 24:16).
  

• Fear of Disapproval
  
  • “I can’t say
    no
    for fear of making someone angry at me.”
    
  • “I’m afraid of being rejected.”
    
  • “I can’t take a stand against someone whose approval I need.”
    

  Solution
  

  “Do not fear the reproach of men or be terrified by their insults. For the moth will eat them up like a garment; the worm will devour them like wool. But my righteousness will last forever, my salvation through all generations”
  (Isaiah 51:7–8).
  

• Performance-based Acceptance
  
  • “I am accepted only because of what I do.”
    
  • “I have value only if my work is acceptable.”
    
  • “I have worth only if I please others.”
    

  Solution
  

  “The very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”
  (Luke 12:7).
  

• Defensiveness about the Relationship
  
  • “I am not seeing objectively that the relationship is unhealthy.”
    
  • “I am not facing the need for a change in the relationship.”
    
  • “I am not willing to do anything about changing the relationship.”
    

  Solution
  

  “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the L
  ORD
  is kept safe”
  (Proverbs 29:25).
  

• Loss of Independence
  
  • “I am not allowed to make independent plans.”
    
  • “I am not permitted to have ‘alone time.’”
    
  • “I am not encouraged to spend money or time separately.”
    

  Solution
  

  “My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge”
  (Psalm 62:7).
  

• Loss of Confidence
  
  • “I lose confidence when I am told the decision I made is wrong.”
    
  • “I feel uncomfortable when I am told my memory is wrong.”
    
  • “I feel stupid when I am told my perception is wrong.”
    

  Solution
  

  “Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing”
  (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
  

• Loss of Identity (Controlled by the Manipulator’s Personality or Power)
  
  • “I am consumed by the actions of the manipulator.”
    
  • “I am consumed by what the manipulator wants and desires.”
    
  • “I am consumed by what the manipulator threatens to do.”
    

  Solution
  

  “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery”
  (Galatians 5:1).
  

• Loss of Objectivity (Makes Excuses for the Manipulator)
  
  • “They don’t mean to act that way.”
    
  • “They can’t help being that way.”
    
  • “They aren’t really bothering me.”
    

  Solution
  

  “Better is open rebuke than hidden love”
  (Proverbs 27:5).
  

Q
UESTION: “How is my dependency misplaced if I am being manipulated?”

A
NSWER:
If you assume you must meet all the needs and fulfill all the expectations of someone else—then you are depending too much on yourself. You are taking the role God alone should have. Likewise, if you assume someone must meet all of your needs and fulfill all of your expectations—then you are depending too much on them. You are putting a person in the role God alone should have.

This is what the Lord says ...

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the L
ORD
. ... But blessed is the man who trusts in the L
ORD
, whose confidence is in him.” (Jeremiah 17:5, 7)

Call it a classic case of “passing the buck.”

Adam admits eating the forbidden fruit, but not before he couches his confession in condemnation of Eve and even hints that God is at fault as well. He possibly even has an index finger pointing straight at Eve, but maybe not at God. Adam speaks the following words:

“The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it”
(Genesis 3:12).
You
put her here, God.
She
gave me the fruit.
Then
I ate it.

Fortunately for Adam, God has patience with Adam and turns His gaze to Eve.

When God questions Eve, her index finger is likely stretched toward the serpent.
“The serpent deceived me, and I ate”
(Genesis 3:13).

Although the couple was not brainwashed, they did buy into Satan’s deception hook, line, and sinker. Now, they are scrambling to justify themselves.

• Verbal Brainwashing
  
  • Intimidation
    : Implying that your failure to comply with all demands, attitudes, or beliefs of the manipulator will result in severe consequences
    
  • Indoctrination
    : Repeatedly implanting messages contrary to your presently held values
    
  • Discrediting
    : Belittling your “outside” family and friends who disagree with the manipulator
    
  • Degrading
    : Engaging in name-calling, insults, ridicule, and humiliation
    
  • Labeling
    : Claiming that your thoughts are childish, stupid, or crazy
    

  Psalm 35:20 tells us ...
  

  “They do not speak peaceably, but devise false accusations against those who live quietly in the land.”
  

• Emotional Brainwashing
  
  • Isolation
    : Depriving you of all outside sources of emotional and social support
    
  • Excessive
    compliance
    : Militantly enforcing trivial demands
    
  • Ignoring
    : Withdrawing emotional support, but later denying that they had
    
  • Exploiting
    : Using you or someone else close to you for self interests or gain
    

  Psalm 10:2 tells us ...
  

  “In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises.”
  

An omniscient God is nobody’s fool, and soon catastrophic consequences befall all three parties involved
—
consequences that are still being experienced by you and me today. Nature and the serpent are cursed; the cunning creature is forced to crawl on its belly forever. Painful toil was pronounced for Adam, and increased pain in childbirth for Eve, among other judgments. But God’s most devastating declaration of all
—
death will become part of the human experience.

Satan’s lie, “You can sin and get away with it,” is crushed by the weight of God’s truth—sin will be punished.

But even in the midst of divine judgment, divine love and provision are declared for sinful mankind. Genesis 3:15 contains the “proto-evangelium,” the first “good news” recorded in Scripture, the prophesying of a victorious Savior. Here God addresses the
serpent:

“I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.” (Genesis 3:15)

The couple had been manipulated and deceived. They believed a lie, but God knew the truth.

• W
  RONG
  B
  ELIEF OF THE
  M
  ANIPULATOR:
  

  “This is a dog-eat-dog world, a survival of the fittest world. Therefore, I can’t trust anyone to meet my needs. If I don’t take control of the people and circumstances in my life, my needs for love, for significance, and for security will never be met.”
  24
  

  R
  IGHT
  B
  ELIEF OF THE
  M
  ANIPULATOR:
  

  “God loves me sacrificially and has promised to meet my needs. Therefore, I will love others with His love rather than use others in an attempt to gain the love, significance, and security only God can give me.”
  

  “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
  (John 13:34)
  

• W
  RONG
  B
  ELIEF OF THE
  M
  ANIPULATED:
  

  “I must have the approval of others in order to feel good about myself.”
  25
  

  R
  IGHT
  B
  ELIEF OF THE
  M
  ANIPULATED:
  

  “I do not need the approval of others because God accepts me totally and loves me unconditionally, and He alone will meet all of my inner needs.
  26
  

  “The L
  ORD
  will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”
  (Isaiah 58:11)