In Too Deep (2 page)

“I don’t know.” My eyes darted around the room as I tried to keep the fear off my face, “Sam, where’s Ivy?” Ivy was a very pretty girl who had been obsessed with Noah for more than two years. She would let him say and do anything to her just as long as he was giving her some sort of attention. It was pathetic. I once found old pictures of the two of them in a box of textbooks at Noah’s house. The pictures looked like a sexual encounter, but they were fully clothed. It was obvious he was man-handling her into the multiple positions she was in. His face fit the part of a porn star while she consented. Her face was bright red and she was laughing, but visibly embarrassed. The pictures really bothered me. I threw them back in the box and never spoke of them. That was the old Noah. It was the new Noah who loved me.

“Ivy? What does she have to do with anything?” Sam looked confused.

“I don’t know. I just realized I haven’t seen her either, I—”

“Why do the two of you look so damn serious? This is a party!” Jake walked over and put his hand around my shoulder and squeezed me into his chest as he shouted over the music. Jake’s voice always calmed me down. There was something inside him that I’d never experienced in anyone else I’d ever met. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was but I liked it. He was so genuine and oh so very nice to look at. I often watched his tenderness with his girlfriend, Jessica, in awe of how he cherished her. He was who I would call if I were ever in trouble. Not that Noah wouldn’t come running, but there was something about Jake’s friendship that made me think he would run faster.

“Noah. Ivy. Have you seen them?” I started to breathe hard and slapped my hands up to my chest.

Jake shook his head just when someone called Sam away to replace the kicked keg.

“You got her?” Sam looked up at Jake, passing on their drunk best friend. Jake nodded and squeezed me into his chest once more.

“What’s wrong?” Jake asked, calming me a little with his voice.

I shook my head and closed my eyes.

“Gracie, you don’t really think they are together? Do you?”

“Jake, she really, really likes him. She would do anything to be with him. I don’t
know
how far she’d go…” I took a big swig of his beer to soothe my throat that was raw from yelling over the music.

Jake moved so he was standing directly in front of me. He put his hands gently on my shoulders and ducked his head down a little to catch my gaze. I lifted my face and followed his eyes as he straightened. He was so good at getting in my head.

“Gracie. Listen to me. You’ve had a lot to drink. You’re not being rational. He’s not the guy he used to be. Hasn’t been since you came into the picture.”

“I know, but—” He cut me off with his fingers across my lips. Jessica walked over when she spied the two of us almost nose-to-nose.

“Gracie, think about it. Ivy? Really? He has never, nor would he ever, give you up for her. She’s a ditz. She has tried for years. He’s not interested.”

“But…”

“
Shhh
.
Not
interested,” he repeated. “Now let’s go find him.”

Jessica smiled at me and grabbed Jake’s hand.

The three of us walked back the dark hallway just as Noah came out of the bathroom zipping his jeans.

Right then, my sweet, sweet friend had an opening to make me look foolish. But, instead, in perfect Jake character, he turned, smiled, kissed me on the forehead, and followed Jessica into his bedroom. He was so good at being rational. That’s what made him the perfect best friend.

Before I could tell Noah I wanted to go, he grabbed my hand, nodded toward the door, and led me downstairs.

I was Cinderella and we had just left the Ball. Of course, we had a detour that got us even more drunk, but soon we were in the castle and my Prince Charming was going to make mad, passionate love to me. Pledging was over. This would be the new beginning we needed.

Spring semester of last year, I transferred from University of Tennessee Martin to U of T Knoxville so Noah and I could be together. Unfortunately, Noah started pledging Sigma Chi at the same time, so I hardly ever saw him. When I did, he was looking over his shoulder, making sure his sadistic fraternity brothers weren’t watching while he took a detour to walk me to class. We fought when we were together. The stress he was under paired with how needy I had become was not a good mix. Once I begged him to quit, but he said he was “too far in” to survive quitting. Whatever that meant. So, there was no time for intimacy. And many nights he partied with sorority girls who were special guests at Sigma Chi functions. The brothers at Sigma Chi planned the pledges’ every move. There was no time for anyone or anything else. He had been theirs, but tonight he was mine. I couldn’t wait to feel his skin on mine. Making love to him tonight would be like pressing the reset button for us.

We barely got in the door and he was tearing at my clothes. We stumbled into the bathroom and into the shower. I wasn’t very experienced, but to me, there was almost nothing hotter than naked bodies slick with water. It’s sublime. Before I knew it, I was on my knees, giving him something he never dreamed his Good Girl knew how to give.

Two

“I’m leaving!” I couldn’t scream loud enough. I imagined it was as loud as I would be screaming if someone was cutting my heart out without anesthesia. I wanted to scream
that
loud. The pain was literally unbearable. I ended a two-year relationship to be with Noah. I left a boyfriend who had never hurt me, in any way. Joel and I didn’t argue, and we never fought. Quite honestly, I sometimes longed for a little drama so we would have a reason to make up. But drama wasn’t Joel’s thing, so Noah’s bad-ass demeanor helped to make my relationship with Joel feel boring. Even then, I had a feeling Noah would never be boring. But I had no idea he would drive me to the pits of Hell. I wanted to delete the conversation we just had from this day. The words I asked for tore me to shreds.

“L-L-Leaving?” he stammered, but he remained stoic. He stayed still on the edge of the bed, both hands tucked between his knees.

Fight for me, dammit!

“Yes! I am going to Admissions on Monday and leaving school.” I didn’t know what I would be doing in thirty seconds let alone on Monday. My threat to leave was just to see him fight for me. After what I just learned, I needed to see him fight. For me.

“No! You can’t be serious! You just got here.” Finally he moved in my direction. I threw my hands up, telling him to stop where he was. My next sentence came out like a whisper, “Don’t come any closer.” I was pacing so violently the muscles in my shins started to burn. Then I started to seethe again, “I don’t want to be,” I gasped for air then choked out the rest between sobs, “Anywhere. Near anything. That reminds me of.
You!
”

Not only was I rendered emotionally unrestrained by his admission, but his delivery was nothing less than horrifying, and it left me stunned.

I replayed the conversation we just had in my mind as I paced around the room. Just ten minutes earlier, we were breathless and panting like animals. He was considerably bigger than me. His body was firm and tough. He wasn’t an athlete, but he trained like one. I loved feeling his weight on me as he loved me inside and out. He lifted himself from my body and fell onto the sheets next to me. Between the alcohol and being spent from our love making, I knew I only had a couple minutes to mention his sudden absence upstairs.

“Okay, so, funny story.” I flipped onto my side.

His eyes fluttered with exhaustion, but he turned his face toward me and smiled.

“When I couldn’t find you upstairs, I was worried you were doing something with Ivy.” I was embarrassed I may have insulted him with such a ridiculous concern. I immediately dropped my face into my pillow and giggled. He didn’t move.

Thank God! He’s asleep! He didn’t hear a word I said.

I lifted my head to kiss him before I resigned myself to closing my eyes until morning. His eyes were wide as saucers, as if he was frozen in time. He just stared at me.

“What? What’s wrong?”

He was silent, still staring.

“Noah. Stop. You’re scaring me!”

“I-I…”

Nothing. He gave me nothing but stuttering.

I gasped.

“Did you? Did you do something with her?” He didn’t move. He didn’t even blink. “Noah! Answer me!” I pushed his body away from mine. I didn’t know whether to laugh because he was making a joke, albeit a mean one, or cry because my world was about to cave in around me.

“I was headed to the bathroom when Ivy came out. She pressed herself against me and said someone once told her she gave head like a porn star. Then she asked if she could show me.”

“You said yes?” My stomach turned and I tried to wrap my head around the logic of his response.

“Baby, she was so wasted. She’ll never remember.”

“Never remember what?” My voice cracked and tears streamed down my face.

“She pulled me into Sam’s room and got down on her knees…but before you freak out, let me explain.”

I threw my head down and as far into my pillow as I could go. I wasn’t sure I could live through hearing this, but I didn’t think I could look at him while he explained. Where I thought he was going with this knocked the air right out of me.

“She’s so fun to mess with, Gracie. Freshman year I tormented her, making her think she had a chance with me.” The photos I had found in a box at Noah’s house flashed through my mind. “I followed her into Sam’s bedroom because I knew she would chicken out and it would drive her crazy that she had the chance but didn’t have the balls to do it.”

“She didn’t. You didn’t let her. Did you?”

“I was just leading her on. I never thought she’d… She’s not usually that brazen. I didn’t expect…”

Now, he was obviously back pedaling.

“Noah, you’re not answering me.” I picked up my head. If he was going to tell me he cheated, he was going to have to say it to my face. Even if it killed me.

He was still.

“You cheated on me? With Ivy?” My throat slammed closed, and in a panic he tried to justify what happened and explain how it was
not
cheating.

“I didn’t think she’d actually
do
it.”

I was still.

“But she did. Before I knew it, she had me in her mouth. But, I only let her do it for a little bit. She didn’t make me come. I stopped her right before I finished and zipped my pants.” He chuckled like that would convince me further that it technically wasn’t cheating.

So stunned, I wasn’t sure how my involuntary functions continued. My lungs kept breathing, my heart kept beating, but both were burning with a sadness I wouldn’t wish on anyone. More tears rolled. He could have punched me in the stomach, and I was pretty sure it wouldn’t have hurt as badly.

In a gravelly whisper, I asked a question. A question with answers that would break me. “Was this the only time you were with someone else?” Then I started to rationalize. I mean, yes, he cheated, but it wasn’t because he liked her, right? She was no threat to me. At that moment, I didn’t recognize the person in my bed, but at the same time, I hoped a sudden alcohol-induced regression to the Old Noah would be my loophole.

He got out of the bed and started to pace. With the little energy I had left, I sat up and watched him intently, pleading to him silently with my heart for a, “Yes, this was the only time.”

“Gracie.” He turned and looked me right in the eye, “I love you. Baby, I never knew I could love someone as hard as I love you.”

“Just answer the question, Noah.” He broke eye contact and rubbed his forehead nervously. I felt lightheaded and caught my head in my hands. Before I knew it he was on his knees in front of me, rubbing the outside of my thighs as some form of comfort.

“Please don’t touch me.” I slid back on the bed until my back was against the wall and pulled my knees up to my chest.

“Steph was the first.” My mind was racing. I didn’t want names. Names make them real people. And if this one was first, I was praying Ivy was second because that would only be two scars on my heart. I knew it couldn’t handle more than that. He continued. “You and I were only dating a month. You were back home at Martin campus and I had just started pledging.” He stopped pacing and sat across the tiny room in the chair at my desk wringing his hands between his knees.

“Well, don’t stop now, I’m all ears.” My sadness was now bordering on disgust and rage.

“Remember when I called to talk about the study partner I’d been assigned in my Trig class? I asked if you minded that it was a girl.”

“I told you it didn’t bother me.”

“So, I kind of asked permission. That’s got to mean something to you.”

“You asked permission to
study with
her, not to
have sex with
her.” My voice was quiet and deep.

“I didn’t have sex with her, we just messed around!”

“Define
messed around
.” It didn’t matter at this point what his definition was, it would still qualify as cheating.

“I never told her I had a girlfriend. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.”

“If you had no intentions with her, why would she feel uncomfortable?”

“I don’t know. We studied in her dorm. One night, after we quit studying, we drank a little and before I could stop myself, we were naked. Things just got out of hand.”

“Damn you, Noah! Would you just own up to it. Tell me what happened with her!”

“One thing led to another and just before I…just before I… you know…went in,” I cringed and tried to clear the visual from my mind. I was sure I felt my heart stutter. “I stopped before we did it. I didn’t go inside her.”

I held my stomach and squeezed my eyes.

“Madison was the second time.” He spun my world with those five words. There were three. He wounded me three times. “It was after the Kappa Delta social.”

“That was just last week,” I yelled. Then my voice quieted and the next words slowly left my mouth. “You came over after.” I remembered that night clearly. He showed up at my apartment unexpectedly after the social was over. He was still a pledge but he left unnoticed, risking painful consequences, just to spend the night with me. He was adorably drunk. He was soft-spoken and doting when he was drunk, and it was just the two of us. He became almost little-boyish with his flirty grins and playful glances. I loved it.

“Well, I—”

“Wait,” I whispered, “that was the night I asked you if the stain on your shirt was lipstick.”

He didn’t answer me, just continued with a story that hurt to hear but didn’t seem nearly painful enough for him to tell. “I walked some girl back to her dorm because her roommate left early and I didn’t want her to have to walk back alone. I knew that was the gentlemanly thing to do. She passed out as soon as we walked into her room. Her roommate, Madison, helped me get her into bed and then we sat and talked for a little. I was so drunk I just wanted to sit before I had to walk back to the house. She started kissing me and I was too drunk to want to stop her.”

A sob escaped my mouth because I knew what was coming. I couldn’t speak, my sobs were heaving with such fervor my body was convulsing.
Why the hell did you go in? You could have walked her to the door of the building and she would have been safe. Completely gentlemanly to leave from the doorstep.

“We ended up naked under her covers and we were touching each other and stuff. She started giving me a hand job. But I stopped her when I thought of you.”

Oh, mighty nice of you.

“So, I got up and got dressed and told her I couldn’t do that to you. Well, she followed me to the door trying to convince me not to go. When she realized I wasn’t staying, she tried to get her lipstick off my shirt so you wouldn’t see it.  But you did.”

My brain must have shut off to protect my heart because I didn’t fully digest what he had done with the other two girls. I didn’t let myself picture it as vividly as I did when he told me about Ivy. I knew I couldn’t handle it all at once. So, I focused on his expressions as he explained his deceit. It was the curl of his lips that was the most unsettling. If I didn’t know any better, I would think he was only confessing to obnoxiously claim his bragging rights. I wasn’t ready for this. We had just hit the reset button. I wasn’t ready for it to be over but maybe it had been for a while. It was at the end of his confession that I literally lost it. I started yelling and screaming for him to leave. He sat down on the bed and didn’t budge.

I don’t know how many times I told him to leave but he wouldn’t. Between my violent outburst and my broken heart, I was exhausted. I just needed to lay down. He refused to leave, so I crawled into my bed alone, lifeless. My chest muscles ached from the battering my lungs had taken from the heaving sobs. I couldn’t imagine I would ever stop crying. He eventually crawled onto the bed with me, atop the covers, never touching me. He just laid stone still beside me. Just before I passed out, it dawned on me that remnants of Ivy were still
there
when I knelt before him in the shower.

My body landed softly, somewhere. I was finally in so deep that I reached the bottom. There’s no air on the bottom. People suffer here.