Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (2 page)

Once you’ve applied, paid and been offered an audition, you just need to prepare for the audition itself. One of the most important things to prepare is your hair. As a general rule, RADA favours floppy hair, Mountview favours short hair, and ArtsEd favours no hair (the smoother the better).

You will usually be asked to prepare both Shakespeare and modern monologues. This is where the confusion begins. Many people believe the word ‘prepare’ simply means reading the speech out loud. It doesn’t. ‘Preparing your speech’ means: reading it, learning it, speaking it, and walking it –
ideally at the same time
. It’s also a bonus if you understand what you’re talking about (although this is not mandatory).

If you are finding your Shakespeare speech difficult to perform, I suggest working on the ‘iambic pentameter’. The iambic pentameter is something that Peter Hall invented one day as a joke, but actors started taking it seriously. Basically you say ‘de-dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum’ whenever you don’t understand what Shakespeare has written. Many actors use this method, particularly at the RSC. In fact, there was a famous production of
Henry V
starring Kenneth Branagh where he said ‘de-dum-de-dum-de-dumde-dum-de-dum’ instead of the actual written lines. It was a roaring success, and in all honesty was the first time I understood what Shakespeare was going on about, dear.

A modern speech doesn’t necessarily have to be from a play based on a housing estate in South London about drugs and gang warfare – although this will help. You can also do speeches from modern texts that have recently been performed at the Royal Court, National Theatre and the Bush.
The Bush is a particular favourite of mine for the simple reason that it reminds me of the ‘lady garden’ area. Modern speeches tend to contain swear words – but if you don’t like swearing I suggest substituting them for something more tolerable. Words like ‘rabbit’, ‘sponge’ and ‘knitting’ always go down well.

If you are having difficulty finding a suitable modern speech, I advise the following: a good one will have shouting, crying and a little bit of laughter. It could also involve nudity. Of course, this is not essential – but drama tutors love that sort of thing.

Actors – doing a two-day Shakespeare workshop at RADA doesn’t mean you trained there.

The Musical-theatre Audition

When auditioning for musical-theatre courses you will inevitably be asked to sing a song. I always advise singing a musical-theatre song – although most pieces of modern pop and rock music tend to end up in musicals these days anyway.

When deciding what to sing, certain things need to be considered: make sure you can sing all the notes, make sure you know what the song is about, and make sure it’s not from
Les Misérables
or
Miss Saigon
. This is simply because they are overused (and also nice young girls from Surrey don’t do French peasants or Vietnamese whores very well). It is also important to sing through the song with a pianist before your actual audition – as the piano accompaniment is always very different from the original soundtrack recording you have been copying.

Whilst we’re on the subject of pianists, you should always check that the piano accompaniment isn’t too hard. Many pianists who play for drama-school auditions have only just passed their Grade 3 piano exam – so playing Lloyd Webber songs is fine. But you must never give these kinds of pianists
sheet music by Stephen Sondheim or Jason Robert Brown. They will invariably give up halfway through and revert back to playing
Starlight Express
.

Many people believe that the higher the song, the more impressive it will be. This simply isn’t true. Particularly if you can’t sing it! There is no point singing a song that goes up to a top C when you can only sing a top A.

The Chat

At the end of your audition, the panel will have a little chat with you about why you want to go to their school, your past experience, and why you want to be an actor. At this point it is always good to sound intelligent and give the impression that you have done your research. You should state exactly why you want to go to RADA and not Italia Conti (obviously this can be the other way round, depending on where you want to go). It is never recommended that you slag off other schools, but staff members always like to have their school praised. Things like: ‘Your school produces the best actors’, ‘The calibre of drama in this country is largely down to the training that your school provides’ and ‘Your students are the best-looking’ always go down well. Avoid saying things like: ‘Your school is close to my boyfriend’s house’, ‘My best mate told me this place is really good’ and ‘I slept with an actor who trained here.’

This is also the time when someone on the panel will bring up the daunting subject of money – and how you plan to finance yourself. If you are in the fortunate position of being able to pay for the course privately (by yourself, or with help from your family) then make this
very
clear. Drama schools adore students who can fund themselves privately. I am not saying that students who can fund themselves have a higher chance of getting a place at drama school – as that would be unfair. There are just an awful lot more of them that get in, dear.

If you find yourself being offered a place at several drama schools you should only accept one. Drama schools, believe
it or not, do talk to each other – and if they get wind that you are denying another student a place by selfishly accepting more than one, you will quickly lose all of your offers, and find yourself at home watching
The Jeremy Kyle Show
for another year.

Actors – the most important thing to learn at drama school is how to sit in a circle, dear.

When you audition there’s always a moment when you’re perfect for the role. It’s just before you come through the door.

Auditioning

Auditions are an essential part of being an actor. They are the time when an actor has the opportunity to prove why they are perfect for the job. These days it is virtually impossible to get a job without auditioning, unless you have been on
Celebrity Big Brother
.

The aim of an audition is simple: to go in and be brilliant! You should never compare yourself to other actors you see going in before you – as you never know how good they are. They may be wearing the nicest clothes, be talking about their latest film and gloating about their last West End show – but for all you know they could be pathological liars on day release from their agent’s dungeon. Everyone thinks everyone else is better than them. But no one is better than you. You are unique.

Always turn up early for your audition – just so you can question the other actors who are there already. Ask them what they are singing, what the show is about, and if they know who the casting director’s boyfriend is. This is all useful ammunition for when you get into the audition room. Also, if you can hear what they are doing in the audition room you can steal their ideas, dear.

Get up, put on your favourite lipstick, your best heels, smile widely, get in that audition room, and kick ass, dear.

The Auditioning Process

Auditioning is not as simple as just turning up in a tank top, wandering into the audition room and belting out ‘One Day More’ at the top of your lungs. It takes a lot more time, dedication, and planning permission than that.

I often advise young actors to audition for any work at the beginning of their careers, just for the experience. Doing a small-scale tour of Beirut, or a primary-school tour of
Puppetry of the Penis
, for example, would offer you lots of hands-on experience. However, I’ve heard that some bigger agents don’t allow their clients to do any work outside of London. They just want them to hang around bus stops and jazz clubs and wait for big film offers to come flooding in. Invariably when the film offer does come along it tends to be two lines in a feature about a drug-dealing teenager who lives on a council estate in Brixton. So, even then, it’s not particularly glamorous, dear.

You will have to prepare yourself for the fact that to get the job you will usually have at least nine unpaid recalls. The simple reason for this is because those of us on the audition panel often forget what all the actors look and sound like. Obviously we try and make notes during auditions – but sometimes we get distracted by thinking about our lunch, particularly if you are singing something by Jason Robert Brown. There’s nothing wrong with Jason Robert Brown, but there’s only so many times you can listen to ‘Still Hurting’ without actually hurting someone.

Frequently I get asked why we never give an answer to actors straight after their audition. Whilst I agree it would be very easy for us, and a lot fairer on the actors – we generally make
them wait for days, weeks, and sometimes months. There is no real reason for this, apart from the fact that sometimes we get distracted by reruns of
The West Wing
.

Actors sometimes get angry when we don’t call their agents to let them know they didn’t get the job. Please understand that this is not done on purpose, and if I had my way all actors would get a telephone call telling them ‘yes’ or ‘no’. The only reason this doesn’t happen is because my casting director gets confused about who actually got the job and who didn’t (as everyone looks so similar) – so it’s safer if he doesn’t call anyone. Also, if my casting director had to call everyone he auditioned he wouldn’t be able to get on with more important things, like plumping the cushions on his casting couch, dear.

Of course, there are valid reasons why we sometimes keep actors waiting for long periods – mostly it’s because you could be the second or third choice, and we are still waiting for our first choice to give us an answer. We have to keep actors ‘on hold’ in case the actor we really want decides to turn us down – so that we are sure we have someone who is able to play the role. This is what my casting director means when he tells your agent that you are still ‘in the mix’. It means that you are not the first choice, but you may still get the job if everyone else turns us down.

Sadly the sheer number of actors out there makes it impossible for us to audition everyone. Sometimes we will have over two thousand applications for one role – and we just don’t have the time to see every actor. So, as a general rule, my casting director goes onto Spotlight, finds the actors with good agents, the actors he fancies, and the actors who have been on telly – and invites those ones in to audition.

The first audition is usually the quickest – as at this stage we are whittling people down, and often don’t know what we are looking for. For this audition you will normally be asked to prepare two songs from a specific genre. Examples of
these different genres and styles of songs are: upbeat pop, rock ballad, classical aria, modern musical theatre, traditional musical theatre, rock with a hint of pop and rap from a modern musical, traditional musical theatre sung in a Liverpudlian accent, a song from an American songbook musical that is comic and has the word ‘cottage’ in it, an English patter song that includes a cow impression and is based on a show about a boat – the list goes on. Obviously, even if we don’t ask you to sing a specific song, you should still try and choose one that is suitable. We recently had an actor sing ‘I’m Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No’ in his
Oliver!
audition. His agent had obviously not told him he was auditioning for Bill Sikes, dear.

If we like you and think you could possibly play the part, we will give you a recall. You will then be sent some script and music from the show to prepare – usually about six songs and six scenes. Of course, we expect you to learn this material, even if we only send it to you the day before. I recently had an argument with an actor about the amount of material we sent over for him to learn in a day – and after two minutes of listening to him warble on, I reminded him that if he didn’t want to do it, someone else will. In the end, John Barrowman agreed and just got on with it.

It is very important that you don’t brag to your colleagues and friends when you get a recall. There is nothing worse. It makes you look like an arrogant pig. A recall is just a recall. Don’t flatter yourself. There are many reasons we give recalls. Mostly it is because we think you show promise. But sometimes it is simply because we couldn’t see your tattoo properly and want to have another look. I know one casting director who always gives recalls to girls who are over six foot purely because he loves tall women. This was never a problem until he cast
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
, and all the dwarfs ended up being female giants.

After your first recall there can be lots of other stages. Many of the bigger musicals can take months to cast, and you must anticipate having up to twenty-five recalls before getting an
answer. That is when it gets frustrating for actors – as by that stage you feel you’ve got a pretty good chance of getting the job. But mostly the number of auditions means nothing at all.

Recently there was a show being cast by a very well-known casting director that started auditions two months before the director was available. When the director finally decided to come along at the seventh round of auditions, he told the casting director that they had been looking for the wrong ‘types’. This, as you can imagine, was very frustrating for both the actors and casting director. So the casting director had to start the whole process again. And then the director and choreographer got more involved with the auditions – and starting using them to ‘workshop’ the show. For example, the choreographer tried different dance routines with the auditionees to see what worked. It is a way of working on a show without having to pay any of the actors. And it is wrong. But, of course, actors will do exactly what they’re told. So not only were hundreds of actors being tried out and asked to learn and work on dance routines – they were providing a free workshop session for the creative team. However, after nine months, four deaths, a lot of chocolate, and a divorce, the show was finally cast. And the Lewisham schools’ tour of
Cinderella
was a huge success.