Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (9 page)

Even if you are awful at accents it is still expected that you put ‘good ear for accents’ on your CV. This is something that actors are told to do in their final term at drama school. To be honest, if we want a specific accent we’ll hire an actor who is from that part of the world anyway. Either that or we’ll see if Alistair McGowan is available.

In the old days, drama schools used to knock actors’ regional accents out of them and make everyone speak in RP. RP stands for ‘received pronunciation’ or ‘really posh’. Actors are always expected to have a good RP accent, preparing them for work by Shakespeare, Chekhov and Julian Fellowes. These days, however, actors are positively encouraged to retain their regional accents, as it improves their chances of getting roles in more highbrow shows like
Hollyoaks
and
Emmerdale
.

There are even some companies that tour Shakespeare with an all-Northern cast. I think this is marvellous, and makes Shakespeare’s language much more accessible for today’s audiences. There is nothing lovelier than overhearing an audience member saying ‘I never knew Shakespeare wrote
Coronation Street
.’ Bless, dear.

The best way to learn a new accent is by observing someone who speaks with the accent you desire – and copy them. Watch the way their mouth moves, their lips, observe the placement of their tongue, and how nasal the sound is. It is also useful to consider the physicality of someone, as this
can have a direct effect on an accent. For example, if someone has really stiff shoulders it will have a direct effect on the tightness of their voice.

Always make sure you stretch well before attempting an accent. This is particularly important when trying Welsh, dear.

Upstaging

Upstaging is a term that terrifies actors. It refers to an actor who moves upstage of another actor, forcing the first actor to face away from the audience. As an example, imagine an actress is singing centre-stage to another actor, and the other actor positions himself towards the back of the stage (upstage). This forces the actress to sing her song upstage to him, in the opposite direction of the audience. It is a very clever trick that can make an inexperienced actor do their entire performance facing the back wall.

There have been numerous stories of actors constantly upstaging their colleagues, in an attempt to make sure they get all the attention. You should always be on the lookout for such actors – and put a stop to it as quickly and violently as possible. If they start doing it in rehearsals the director will notice and exert necessary discipline on the guilty actor. However, the more experienced actor will only start upstaging during performances, at which point the director will have left.

Not that I condone it, but if you are ever working with someone you don’t like, upstaging is a marvellous way of starting an argument. And the same applies to lights. There are many ways of ‘stealing an actor’s light’ – the simplest by blocking their light (which is particularly easy to do when the light is coming from the side of the stage). All you have to do is stand directly in front of the light that is lighting the
actor, and he will be forced to perform in darkness. It is a very naughty trick, but one which can be delicious fun during matinees in Bognor.

I remember an astonishing instance of upstaging a few years ago when two leading performers began upstaging each other. As the scene went on, each stubbornly carried on with his upstaging by taking one step further towards the back of the stage – until finally both of them were backed against the far wall shouting at each other. It was the fiercest onstage tantrum between two divas I have ever witnessed. And marked the end of Cannon and Ball’s working relationship. So terribly sad, dear.

Please avoid spitting and dribbling when performing. I have just had a face wash listening to someone singing ‘Why God Why?’, dear.

Learning Lines

Line-learning is something I do not envy. I have witnessed many actors attempting different and interesting techniques over the years – with varying degrees of success. In truth, one of the most effective ways of learning lines is simply by going through them as often as possible. This is known in the business as the ‘parrot fashion’ technique.

However, there are other more experimental methods, some of which allegedly speed up this arduous process.

One of the most risky is the ‘not learning your lines’ method. The actor who adopts this technique will hope and pray that during rehearsals the lines will organically enter their memory, so that they don’t actually have to do any learning at home. And, indeed, for some actors this technique works triumphantly. They have an inherent gift for remembering lines, and find the whole task ridiculously
easy. These kinds of people tend to be rather lucky and have a photographic memory. In fact, one of my dear friends has a photographic memory. I’ve always tried to convince her to remember the
Complete Works of Shakespeare
– so that she becomes an invaluable asset to the RSC. She said there was no point as she doesn’t understand any of his plays. I told her that no one really does, dear.

Another, rather more experimental method is to record your lines and listen back to them as often as possible – whether this be on a train, bus, underground or at a swimming pool. Wherever, and whenever possible – the point is you just listen and listen and listen. Many people find playing their lines on a loop just before going to bed rather useful – so that they play continuously as you sleep. This way is apparently very effective as it allows the lines to enter your head subconsciously. However, I have heard horror stories of actors who have tried this and ended up only knowing their lines when asleep. Also, these same actors would involuntarily fall asleep when saying their lines – which is a condition known as ‘Acting Narcolepsy’.

Then there is the ‘say it out loud and get someone to read in’ technique. This one is particularly handy if you have someone you trust to go through your lines with you. Of course, you should never choose to go through your lines with someone who is a better actor than you, as this results in bitter jealousy and resentment, and you will always end up focusing on that rather than your learning. I recommend asking someone who is not an actor since they will just say the lines and not add their own interpretation. The problem with learning lines with other actors is that they will attempt to give a polished performance, and possibly start criticising your interpretation. Which is not useful at all. As a general rule, your mummy and daddy are the best people to help in the ‘reading in’ technique – as they will constantly remind you of how good you are and then give you an increase in your pocket money for good behaviour.

You may be fortunate enough to be in a play or musical that has been performed before, which can prove a remarkable
tool in your line-learning success. Chances are the musical you are in will have a cast recording, and if you are very lucky the play you are in might be available as an audiobook (or you may find some snippets from it online). Simply purchase the recording, play it on loop and, hey presto, not only have you got someone else saying your lines, but you have someone else showing you
how
to say your lines. Marvellous!

In the past when I’ve helped actors learn lines, I’ve always been scolded – as apparently I’m too distracting. But I’m not. I’m just honest. I always say if I think the line is being said wrong, or if I feel jazz hands could be added at certain points. There is nothing wrong with being constructive with your criticism, but always be careful not to overstep the mark. This, I imagine, is a problem that many acting couples have – particularly celebrities. And is the main reason why so many celebrity marriages end in divorce. It is all down to line-learning arguments.

Some actors like the lines to consume them completely, and feel that their performance will only be truly great if the lines seem to come from them organically and internally. So they take it to the next level and literally
eat
their lines. Whilst this approach is extremely dedicated – it is also rather unhealthy and risky. Indeed, there was one company in the early nineties who did this, which resulted in the show being cancelled as the entire cast developed severe constipation. But then it is rather silly eating the text of something as wordy as Tom Stoppard. In fact, there are only a handful of writers to whom you can safely apply this ‘eating’ method – one of the best being Harold Pinter. His plays are half dialogue, half pauses – so you digest fewer words, with half the calories.

There’s going to be a new rule about the length of Pinter pauses. Anything longer than ten seconds incurs a self-indulgence penalty, dear.