Carpe Diem (3 page)

“I can do what?” I ask

“You can do this,” he tells me again.

“I can do what? I don’t understand.” I ask again.

“I love you, you can do this. You can be strong, be strong for me,” he tells me and kisses me on the cheek.

Those words push me back into reality, back to Abby and Casey, back to where Jack is gone. I think of him and the words my mind told me he would say and I feel the strength building inside me. I can do this. I can be strong.

“Okay!” I shout, scaring both of them.

I stand from the table and head toward Jack’s office. I grab a legal pad and a pen from his desk and walk back to the table. Tossing the items down, I walk past Casey and Abby and into the kitchen where I grab three glasses and a bottle of wine.

“We are going to make a list of all the things I have to do tomorrow and then we are going to make a list of all our favorite things we love about Jack. We are going to drink, we are going to cry, we are going to laugh, and cry some more,” I demand.

Casey and Abby look at each other and then back to me, jaws to the floor.

“I don’t want to hear any more conversations about how your hair grows faster in the summer than in the winter or how weird it is that dog’s feet smell like Fritos,” I continue.

“All right then,” Abby says with a smile.

“If Jack was here he would be cracking dumb jokes and making an ass of himself to make us smile. Since he can’t be here, we are going to have to do it ourselves,” I continue while popping the cork from the bottle of wine.

A
few short
hours later, I hear the front door swing open and my beautiful daughter calling out for me.

“Mom! Mom, where are you,” Bryna shouts.

“In here sweetheart,” I call back to her from the dining room, trying to once again fight my tears.

As Bryna comes around the corner and I can see her eyes are filled with tears I cannot save her from this time. I quietly watch as she drops her bag and runs toward me, extending her arms. Her arms surround my body when she reaches me. She is holding on so tight I think I may lose my ability to breathe, but I say nothing. I embrace her tightly in return and gently rock her as I did when she was a baby.

“I know, sweetheart, I know,” I say to her softly.

“He can’t be gone, he can’t be,” she cries out.

“I know, sweetie. I don’t want him to be gone either.”

“He is too young. You guys are supposed to be old and senile when you die.”

“As much as you wanted that to be our future, I wanted it even more.”

“It’s not fair. I’m not ready for him to be gone.”

“Sweetie, it was just his time. We have to cherish the memories we had with him while he was with us and not be angry about the ones we will not have.”

Bryna looks at me with her wet eyes and it breaks my heart all over again. She is right; this is not how it was supposed to be. She should have had at least another thirty to forty years with her father. This is not how our time together should have come to an end. I can feel my tears fighting hard to come out, but I will not let them loose, they will not win this battle. I have to be strong for Bryna.

I am startled when I see movement in the corner of my eye. I am relieved when I quickly realize that it is Flynn. He has been patiently waiting and is now holding in his hands the bag that Bryna had dropped to the ground.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to intrude,” Flynn says.

“You are most definitely not intruding,” I say and walk toward him.

I retrieve Bryna’s bag from his grasp and gently lay it on the floor before embracing him. Flynn is,
was,
Jack’s best friend, but actually they were more like brothers. Several years ago they went into business together. For most friendships that would have been a death sentence, but not for them. Since they were the age of ten, the two of them had formed a bond that could never be broken. When Jack told Flynn his college plans had changed and that he would be staying here with me to raise the baby, Flynn dropped out of the far from home university each of them had both been accepted to, to stay close and attend the local tech college. It was all a bit weird if you ask me, but that was the nature of their friendship. They had been friends for so long and I learned early on not to question things too much.

“Did you get much sleep?” Flynn asked

“Some, not much,” I respond. “I can’t thank you enough for going to pick up Bryna for me. I don’t know how I can repay—” I say.

“There is no need to thank me or repay me. I am glad to help in any way I can,” he interrupts.

“Thank you just the same, you are a good friend.”

Flynn responds, giving me a smile and nods.

“Did you stop to eat? There is some leftover spaghetti in the fridge I can heat up for you.”

“No, thank you. We went to the drive-through about an hour ago, but you might want to try and get Bryna to eat some, she didn’t eat much.”

“Thank you, I will.”

“I really should be going,” Flynn says, looking over to Bryna and then back to me

“You’re welcome to stay. We are reminiscing and going through some old pictures for the service.”

“I don’t want to intrude, besides I could use some sleep myself.”

“I understand completely. Let me walk you out.”

Part of me was scared to let Flynn leave; it was nice having him here. It made me feel as if he arrived early for plans he and Jack had made and we were sitting here hanging out waiting for Jack to get home from a meeting that ran long. Once Flynn leaves, that illusion will be gone and I will have to return to reality once again.

“I will check in on you tomorrow, if that is okay,” Flynn says as he steps onto the front porch.

“Thank you, that would be nice.”

My eyes pop open before the sun has risen, Bryna fast asleep beside me. I don’t want to wake her, she had such a hard time falling asleep, and I want her to get as much rest as she can. Today is going to be hard for both of us. I should try to get more sleep, two hours will not be enough, but my mind is awake and running through the list of things that will need to be done. Before I can talk my brain into letting me rest a little longer, my bladder starts to yell at me. With that, I carefully roll out of bed, gently placing my feet on the hardwood floor. As I tiptoe to the bathroom, I become painfully aware of how quiet and still the house has become compared to the noise and emotions it was filled with only yesterday. It vaguely reminds me of the day we moved Bryna to the dorms her freshman year. I remember Jack and I were so proud of her that day. She was able to start an adventure we did not get the chance to take.

I walk through the house, careful not to make any noise. Casey is asleep in the spare room, and Abby is asleep on the couch. I make a cup of tea and walk out onto the front porch. The neighborhood is starting to wake up, the birds are starting to sing their morning songs, the sprinklers two houses down have come on to give the grass a morning drink, and the sun is finally starting to peek over the horizon.

As I sit on my porch swing watching the sunrise, I can’t help but feel a little peace for the first time since the knock at my door yesterday. The warmth of the sun heating the cool morning air, the squirrel dashing across the street to run up his favorite tree, the woman down the street that is taking her dog for a walk, it all feels so normal. The daily routines of those around me are still going on as if nothing has happened. It is the first sign that life will go on, whether I want it to or not.

“Good morning, you’re up early.”

The words pull me from my thoughts; it’s Flynn. What is he doing here so early?

“Hey, what are you doing up at this hour?” I ask.

“I couldn’t sleep,” he replies.

“Have you been walking all night?” I ask, taking a sip of my tea.

“Not all night, just since about two this morning.” He smiles awkwardly.

“Well, I would say close enough. Where did you go?”

“Oh here and there. Then before I knew it, I found myself walking here.”

Flynn doesn’t live very far from us, I would say five miles at most. The idea of him wandering around in the middle of the night actually makes me feel better, as bitchy as that may sound. Knowing that it was not only me tossing and turning while the knock at the door replayed over and over in my head. All I could hear when I closed my eyes were the voices of the detectives telling me my husband was dead. Dead, the man I loved and planned to spend the rest of my life with was dead. The images of us growing old together were gone from my imagination. The dreams of sitting on this very porch while watching our grandkids play in the yard had been crushed.

“Hello? You in there?” Flynn asks as he waves his hand in front of my face.

“I’m sorry. I must have zoned out there for a minute,” I reply, slightly embarrassed.

“I’d say, you were in a whole other dimension if I didn’t know better.” Flynn chuckles.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get much sleep either and my mind has been wandering a lot,” I explain.

“Piper, you are going to be fine. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you know you will get through this.”

My eyes would fill with tears if I had any left. Flynn takes my hand in his as he sits next to me on the swing. They are cool to the touch, the morning air has chilled them some.

“Jack wanted you to know that he loved you with all his heart…” Flynn starts.

Now, he is going to do this now? Am I ready to hear Jack’s last words in the world? My mind shudders from thought to thought, not sure if I should stop Flynn or let him finish. The words “stop, not now” are stuck in my throat unwilling to come out. I feel my hand close around his as if to silently protest.

“I know you think you are not ready. You are. You are the strongest woman I know,” he continues.

My heart skips a beat and I nod to let him know it is okay to continue.

“Jack wanted you to know that he loved you with all his heart. He wanted you to know that his last thoughts were of you and that he felt lucky to have had you and Bryna in his life. He wants you to mourn him and then move on. He doesn’t want you to live the rest of your life with sorrow in your heart,” Flynn finishes.

My eyes are filled with tears and my heart with love for this man, this man that while he lay dying, could only think of my happiness after he was gone.

Flynn sits silently, not saying another word for a moment before standing. As he moves to leave, he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a white envelope with my name on it.

“He also reminded me to give you this.” Flynn hands me the envelope and turns to leave. “If you need anything today I’m only a phone call away.” And with that, he makes his exit.

My mind is wild with imagination. What could this be? I don’t have to wonder long as my body takes over and rips the folded side open. In Jack’s own handwriting there is a letter along with what looks like an insurance policy for a large sum of money.

Dear Piper,

If you are reading this letter, then Flynn has had the unfortunate task of delivering it to you after my untimely death. As I write, I hope that I am writing this only for myself and that you will never see it. Nevertheless, I wanted to write it in case a day ever came that I must leave you.