Carpe Diem (2 page)

When he gets to the word accident, I realize that I have been holding my breath. I do not want to release it. As long as I am still holding my breath I can live in this one moment. The moment where I do not have to ask questions, the moment where I do not have to hear the answers they will give me. I can live in this one last moment of ignorance where he is working diligently at his desk, or taking a meeting, or sipping on his coffee as he counts the hours until he comes home to me unharmed.

“Ma’am, did you hear me?” the officer asks, his deep voice finally forcing me to release the breath I had been holding on to so tightly.

“Can you tell me if he is okay?” I ask, trying to hold back all emotions.

I realize I asked the question for the sole purpose of letting my ears hear the words that deep in my heart I already know are coming. As the officer moves a little closer to me, my gut screams out to my mind, “You fool. They don’t send two uniformed officers to knock on a door if someone only has a concussion and a few bruises.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, he expired at the scene,” he tells me, reaching for my hand to comfort me.

“Are you positive?” I ask out of desperation.

“Yes, ma’am. I am very sorry for your loss.” Officer Johnson answers.

“I’m sorry, that is not possible. He is at work right now—” I demand, pulling my arm back from his grasp.

“Ma’am,” Officer Daniels tries to interrupt.

“Stop calling me ma’am. You have the wrong house, my husband is at work.” I continue loudly as if it will change anything. I continue to ramble uncontrollably as I leap up from the couch and start pacing along the length of the room. “This is not possible. He was just here, we had breakfast, and then he went to work. You have to have the wrong house, you have the wrong Jack. It wasn’t him, I’m telling you, you have the wrong person! You should be ashamed of yourselves for…”

“Piper, please, stop this.” The soft voice is filled with desperation stops my rant. The voice is familiar, but it is not Officer Johnson or Officer Daniels. I look up to see that it’s Flynn pleading for me to stop my uncontrollable rant. He had been so quiet, not saying a word until now and hiding in the background that I actually forgot he walked up with the police. I look deep into his eyes and I can see the tears that I have been fighting slowly forming in his eyes.

“Piper, I was with Jack when he died. I know it is hard to believe this is happening, but it was Jack, there is no mistake, it was him,” Flynn tells me as I watch the tears start to roll down his cheeks.

When Flynn says Jack’s name, I have no choice but to give in to the tears I have been trying so hard to fight, but with that one word, I can no longer hold them back. I start gasping for air to the point of hyperventilating and the flood of tears start falling down my face. Officer Daniels is by my side a moment later and is slowly guiding me back to the couch to take a seat.

I begin to follow his lead, but before he can sit me on the couch, another burst of emotion takes over. This time, I am overcome with anger. I scream that it is not true as my arms thrash hysterically. I begin punching the arm he had extended to me that was only a moment ago a comfort and a guide. He is a very sweet man and is doing his best to calm me, but my body has a mind of its own right now. My weak punches move from his arms to his chest as he slowly tries to wrap his arms around me. His touch is gentle, and the thought that he could at any time have me on the ground and in handcuffs before I could do anything about it calms me for a moment. He pulls me closer. My head falls to his shoulder and my river of tears take over once again. Officer Daniels lets me pour my grief out on him without saying a word, for that I am grateful. When I finally lift my head from his now soaked shoulder, I look into his eyes and see that he is in some way sharing in my pain. With that, I nod my head and I let him guide me back to the couch.

“Is there someone I can call for you?” Officer Johnson asks as he kneels down to me, taking my hand in an attempt to comfort me.

Somehow, I manage to stutter out my sister’s name and point to my cell phone resting on the dining room table. Officer Johnson squeezes my hand gently, then gives Officer Daniels a nod. A few moments later, Daniels returns to the living room and informs us that my sister is on her way.

I can imagine her running out of her office, climbing into her shiny blue BMW, and running every red light to get here. Casey and I have always been close and she loved Jack almost as much as I did. Not in a creepy way, in a “you are the best brother-in-law I could ever have asked for” kind of way.

Flynn walks over and takes Officer Johnson’s place at my side; my tears are as uncontrollable as his. He holds me tightly and rocks me gently as if that would somehow help. I know he is in shock too and is doing anything he can think of to help. Flynn has always been a good friend to Jack and to me.

“Piper, Jack’s last thoughts were of you and of Bryna,” Flynn whispers

“Oh my God, Bryna. How am I going to tell her that her father is gone?” I sob

“I can help you when you are ready, but you need to be strong for her so right now is your time, your time to let it all out, and your time to scream and yell. When you are ready, we will call her together,” Flynn tells me, wiping away some of the tears.

“She is going to be devastated,” I reply

“I know, and when you are both ready to hear it, Jack asked me to give you a message,” Flynn tells me

Flynn is doing his best to hold back his already flowing tears as he speaks and with that, I know the message will push me over the edge. I cannot hear it right now and he knows it.

“Piper!”

The sound startles me. Flynn and I turn to the front entryway and see Abby running toward me. The tears falling from her eyes are coming to join mine.

“My God, Piper, honey. What the hell happened?” Abby asks, taking the seat next to me that Flynn has given up for her.

“I don’t know, an accident of some kind, I only know he’s gone,” I tell her between my gasps for air.

With that, Abby turns to the officers and gives them their cue to proceed with the details. I want to stop her. The less I know, the less real it will be. I do not want it to be any more real than it is right now. There is still the one last glimmer of hope that this is all still a big mistake. I know that it is a fool’s hope, but it is all I have left. Once the details come out, that hope will be lost forever.

T
he quiet sounds of Casey and Abby in the kitchen talking on the phone while making dinner pulls me from my sleep. For a brief moment, I feel like the past four hours have been a nightmare that I am at last waking from. I open my eyes and see the business card of Officer Johnson sitting on the coffee table and I once again I have to fight back my tears.

Flynn agreed to go pick up Bryna. I could not bring myself to tell her over the phone. Flynn has been like a second father to her and will be able to console her much better than I can right now.

The details of the accident were enough to send me into what felt like a heart attack. My breath fell short, my heart pounded in my chest, and shooting pains would surge from my heart to my head. It was not a
gruesome
accident by the accounts of the officer, but to hear that your husband, the man you have loved and expected to grow old with is dead, because some woman was too preoccupied with putting her lipstick on to stop for a red light
is
enough to make a person go crazy.

He was only a half a block away from his office. If he had
just
been sixty seconds sooner, he might have made it through the intersection. The memories of that morning began to consume me. What if I had only taken that first bite on the first countdown, what if I had shut up about what I was going to do today, what if I had given him a longer kiss good-bye, what if I had not laid his keys and briefcase next to the door? Sixty seconds. Sixty seconds sooner or sixty seconds later would have saved his life.

“She’s awake,” I hear Abby say to Casey

As they both walk from the kitchen over to me, they remain silent. I cannot blame them. I mean what are you supposed to say to your friend only a few hours after she finds out her husband is dead. Casey hands me a glass filled with water. I slowly reach my arm out to take it from her but cannot seem to find the strength to lift the glass up to my mouth to drink it.

“How are you doing honey? Did you get any sleep?” Abby asks.

I am not sure how to respond. My mind tells me I should say something, but my mouth is dry and I cannot seem to find any words that could possibly fit right now. When I am finally able to take a sip of the water, it tastes good. It is as if I am drinking water for the first time. The glass empties as the cool liquid runs down my throat, and I feel as if new life is coursing through my body.

“Yes I got a little,” I eventually answer.

“Good, you needed it,” Casey declared.

“What do I need to do?” I ask softly.

“You don’t need to do anything, honey. Not right now, not until you’re ready,” Casey answers me.

“Ready? When will I ever be ready?” I ask with soft desperation.

“You know what I mean. When you have had a chance to take it all in,” Casey tells me as she moves to my side.

“I can’t believe he is never coming home,” I utter, still fighting back more tears. “Home—wait where is Bryna?” I gasp.

“Flynn called a little bit ago and he is on his way back with her. They were leaving her dorm and should be here in a few hours.”

“Does she know? Did he tell her?” I ask, hoping that my baby girl would have a few more hours of ignorance.

“Yes, Flynn had to tell her. You know, Bryna, there is no way she was getting in that car until she knew what was wrong.”

“I know,” I say, letting my first smile since this morning form, “She is so headstrong, just like Jack is, was,” I respond, fighting my tears.

“I’ve called everyone I can think and Jack’s mom will be here tomorrow. I will pick her up at the airport about two o’clock,” Abby tells me.

“Mom and Dad stopped by while you were asleep. Mom wanted to stay until you woke up, but I told her to go home with Dad,” Casey says, interrupting Abby.

I love my parents, but right now I’m so glad they are not here. I do not need a house full of people watching me and asking me if I need anything five hundred times an hour. Abby and Casey know me and know that I have never dealt with all eyes on me attention very well.

“What did you guys make for dinner?” I ask as I feel my stomach yelling at me.

“We made some spaghetti. It was easy and fast,” Abby tells me as she stands up and moves toward the kitchen.

“Do you want to eat at the table or in here?” Casey asks me.

I am not sure why I do not answer her as I toss the blanket off my legs and walk toward the dining room table. It is as if my legs feel like they weigh a ton, but I keep walking, determined not to let my grief take over completely.

The next few hours waiting for Bryna was filled with Casey and Abby tiptoeing around from random topic to yet an even more random topic, never landing on anything too serious. It is not hard to tell that they are unsure what to do or how to act right now. This is the first time anyone of us has had to deal with something like this.

They had already made all the necessary calls while I was sleeping and until tomorrow when the funeral home opens, there is not much to do but avoid the subject and pretend everything is fine. I wander back and forth from staring at the wall to listening to them ramble on about movies coming out, cat videos that have seen, and still debating the hotness of Johnny Depp. Time seems to move so slowly and yet so fast all at the same time.

As I fade in and out, I picture Jack sitting next to me smiling and amused. I wonder what we would be doing right now. Would we be sitting down for dinner, would we be in front of the TV watching Netflix? I try not to let myself fall into the fantasy, but it pulls at me.

“How do you greet a widow when she gets up? Good morning,” Jack says

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” I tell him hitting him in the arm and smiling.

“Got you to smile didn’t I?” Jack teases.

“Only because I felt bad for you, not because it was funny,” I tease back

“You can do this,” he tells me with a smile