Autumn in London (6 page)

Anna

We were spending the day looking at apartments. Ethan was still technically checked in at the hotel, but he’d spent every night this week with me. And I liked it. I really liked it. And I really, really liked the sex, which just seemed to get better and better, but I liked him. He made me laugh. He didn’t take any of my shit, he was supremely self-confident and he seemed to like me. So far he wasn’t playing any of the games I was used to. There was no pretending, no bullshit and it felt good. It felt right. It felt free.

Because I knew we only had three months, I wanted to squeeze every last drop out of our time together. I guess he felt the same, because he came ’round every night after work, without excuse or explanation. He’d even brought his laptop back last night and worked a little while we ate and before bed where he went back to work on my body.

I stood by the door, waiting for him so we could head off on our apartment hunting.

“Have you forgotten anything?” he hollered from the living room.

“Nope.” I grinned.

He appeared in the doorway and took in my expression. “Are you laughing at me?” He bent his head and kissed me square on the lips.

“Maybe.”

“You know, I can wipe that grin off your face in two seconds flat. Your little mouth will be all parted and panty in an instant if I let my fingers do this . . .” He reached down to cup my sex. Sure enough, my grin subsided and my underwear dampened. Part of me wanted to continue what he’d started, but we needed to go apartment hunting.

“Ethan, we need to go and I don’t need to be smelling of sex while we look at these rentals.”

Ethan shrugged and led us out. “This is only weekend two. We have ten more to go. Ten more when I’m going to keep you naked and tied to the bed all weekend. There will be no going out.”

Had he started a countdown in his head already? Ten weekends to go? “Promises, promises,” I managed to quip, disguising the clock that had just started ticking in my head.

“So if someone spots us together, what are we going to say?” I asked as Ethan hailed a cab to take us to the first appointment.

“They won’t”

“Famous last words. What if they do?”

“Then we’ll deal with it when it happens, but this is a city of eight million people. Keep your panties on.”

“You want me to keep my panties on? That’s a one hundred and eighty degree turn for you. Am I boring you already?”

“As I said, naked and tied to the bed all next weekend.”

Ethan had told me he’d changed the brief to the realtor, as he called the estate agent, and made sure that all the flats we were going to see today were close to mine. I explained to him that I was due to be moving, but he didn’t seem to care. Part of me wondered whether he wanted me to offer to let him stay with me. Part of me wanted to. But I didn’t suggest it and he didn’t ask.

We were due to see four flats.  All ten times bigger than any I’d been looking at. I’m sure any of them would be fine. Two were in the same block as each other so our hunting wasn’t going to take too long. Ethan seemed enthusiastic about the day, perhaps my poky little flat was getting to him. His apartment on the Hudson was amazing and in a totally different league from my place.

We were a few minutes late to the first viewing and the realtor was waiting for us.

“I’m Marie, we spoke on the phone.” She held out her hand to Ethan who shook it and then turned to me.

“This is my girlfriend, Anna.”

Marie gripped my hand as my stomach clenched. Girlfriend? Fear gripped me. I didn’t like the ambiguity that that word created between us. Girlfriend could mean so many things but for me it meant disappointment and heartache. I forced a toothless grin at Marie and stayed quiet.

Marie and Ethan’s enthusiasm for flat hunting overshadowed any potential awkwardness that I might be projecting. The four flats were amazing and Ethan seemed to like all of them. I just nodded and smiled as he pointed out the great things about each flat.

He agreed with Marie that he’d give her his decision that afternoon. I exhaled as she left. When it was Ethan and me, everything was so much easier. I didn’t need to think about a label for our relationship. I didn’t need to think about the future. I could just concentrate on him.

“So, do you wanna go have lunch or go home and fuck?” he asked.

I laughed at his abruptness. “You can take the man out of New York but not New York out of the man,” I replied.

“Home to fuck it is,” he replied. He grabbed me and pulled me against him with one hand and held out his hand for a cab with the other.

We were within walking distance of my flat. I wasn’t sure if he had his bearings or he didn’t want to waste any more time with our clothes on.

“So, you look a bit brighter now that you’re going to get your rocks off.” He nudged me in the cab.

“Was I looking dull before?” I asked.

“You looked like you were going to puke there for a while when I called you my girlfriend. A man with a lessor ego could have been crushed.”

I didn’t know what to say in response. “I’m sorry. I was just surprised.”

“But you didn’t like it,” he pressed.

“I struggle with the connotations the word brings with it.”

“Hmmm,” was the only reply I got.

“Anyway, I think you’re just trying to get a rise out of me. You’ve avoided having a girlfriend for like ever.”

“I’m not trying to avoid anything. I think you need to ask yourself if you are,” he said and looked at me with something in his eyes that I couldn’t quite name. I leaned forward and pulled down the window of the cab, trying to find more air just as we arrived back at my flat. I jumped out and tried to pay the driver, but Ethan was already handing over cash inside the cab.

We moved silently into my building, the tension bristling between us. I wished that what he was thinking would play out in subtitles above his head.

When we got inside the flat I went to the kitchen and switched on the kettle. I half thought that he’d grab me and we’d be fucking this tension away as soon as we got inside, but Ethan headed straight to the living room. I shifted from leg to leg as I tried to unscramble what I was thinking at the same time as speculating on what was going through Ethan’s head. We had a few hours before we had to leave for dinner at Ethan’s sister’s. We had time.

Ethan was hovering in the living room, looking out the window when I brought in coffees for both of us. “Thanks, but I think I’m going to head back to the hotel and call the realtor,” he said. My heart tightened. I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t want to have caused this.

“I thought we were going to fuck?” I said, trying to lighten the mood.

“Jesus, really? You’re going to pretend this all about sex?” he asked, still looking out of the window with his back to me and reaching into his pocket and retrieving his keys. I’d not seen this side of him before. Normally, nothing ruffled him. He was always calm and in control.

“Ethan,” I said and walked toward him. I went to stroke his arm and he pulled away from me. Anxiety swept through me. Had I upset him? Did I have the power to upset him? I hated this feeling. “Ethan, please. I don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t know if I can do this with you Anna, I can’t handle it when you keep things from me.” he said simply, still not looking at me.

My heart squeezed tighter and I struggled to breathe. I nodded but he couldn’t see. I was trying to be calm, but inside I felt anything but.  What could I say to make him stay? Maybe it would be better this way. Easier at work, anyway. The thought of seeing him in the office but knowing that we would be nothing to each other made my stomach clench and I clasped my fingers of one hand in the other and twisted, hoping to displace the pain.

“I understand. It’s complicated,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady but I failed and I managed an unattractive half-breath, half-sob at the end of the sentence. It didn’t go unmissed by Ethan and he turned to look at me.

“What is it?” he asked. “You’re upset? What’s wrong?”

I shrugged my shoulders and a tear escaped.

“Anna. Would you just talk to me? I’m not a mind reader. I don’t know what you’re thinking. You want to be exclusive but you get freaked out by me introducing you as my girlfriend. What’s that? And you’re distant in the cab and then all about the sex when we come up here? What’s going on?”

“I’m trying,” I choked out. “Just because I’ve had boyfriends before doesn’t mean I’m good at it.”

I turned away from him and covered my face with my hands. How did I feel this upset about him leaving me? What happened to the promise I’d made to myself that men were only going to be about fun from now on?

“Then be honest with me. I can’t deal with the bullshit.”

“I’m not bullshitting you.”

“But you’re not being honest.”

“I’m scared,” I bit out.

“Of me? Of being honest?”

I could feel him moving closer to me. I nodded but didn’t look up at him. He pulled my hands from my face and his head dipped as he tried to look me in the eye.

“Anna, talk to me. What are you scared of?”

It was like he’d uncorked a bottle of something fizzy and everything just spilled out. “I’m scared this, us, is more than sex. I’m scared that I
want
this to be more than sex. I’m scared of you leaving and I’m scared of you staying. I’m scared of how I feel about this, you. It’s just complicated and this wasn’t supposed to be complicated. You could hurt me, Ethan. Already, you could really hurt me.”

I kept my eyes away from his, worried at what I would see if I looked. He just pulled me toward him and held me tight. “I know,” he whispered in my hair.

Ethan

Her reaction to me calling her my girlfriend fucking hurt. I knew it shouldn’t but for the first time in my life, I wanted to be able to call someone my girlfriend and she practically fucking winced when I’d said it. I tried to not let it bother me, but it did. It really fucking bothered me.

I didn’t follow what happened next. Her moods seemed to zigzag, throwing me off the scent every time I thought I’d caught up. She seemed to be quiet, angry and sad all within a sixty-second window

I’d managed to get her to open up a bit but I was in new territory. Other than my sister, I’d never had to comfort any woman who was upset.

I stood with her wrapped in my arms and wondered what I should say next. Fuck.

“Beautiful, how do we make this less complicated? How do
I
make this less complicated? I hate to see you sad.” Did she know what she wanted and was just too afraid to tell me?

She made sounds against my chest but I’m pretty sure none of them were actual words. Jesus, she was usually so feisty, this sad side of her was one I’d never seen. How many did she have?

“What are you thinking? No bullshit,” she asked.

Shit.

“I’m thinking about you,” I replied, hoping that would placate her.

“What about me? That I’m some kind of crazy emotional person?”

“Maybe.”

She laughed against my chest and I felt so fucking relieved. I didn’t want her back in angry mode again.

“Sorry, I just, it’s just—”

I kept hold of her. “I don’t want you to be upset. I don’t want you to be frightened. I don’t want to hurt you. Ever. I want us to hang out, have hot sex, be together, be happy.”

“I want that, too,” she said quietly. “But what happens when you go back?”

I hadn’t thought about what would happen in three months. I didn’t even spend the night with the women I fucked, so every day with Anna felt different and special—like an adventure. I didn’t know what the road I was on held. “I don’t have all the answers. You might hate me in three months. All I know is that I’d rather spend this time with you and risk a broken heart than walk away. But if you don’t want to take that risk then—”

She pulled away and looked at me, smiling softly. “Oh my god, you’re perfect. And I do want to do all those things. I just know I won’t hate you in three months.” She put her head back on my chest.

“I’m anything but perfect, Miss Anna.”

“Please don’t break my heart,” she whispered.

I had a feeling that she might be the first girl capable of breaking mine but the thought didn’t scare me. I wanted to be with her more than I wanted to protect myself. I needed her to feel the same. I squeezed her close. I wanted to take all the doubt and worry away from her.

We stood there for what seemed like hours, just holding each other, not wanting to be the first one to let go.

Her phone going off finally separated us.

“Hey, Leah.”

I scrubbed my face with my hands. This relationship stuff was—Anna caught my eye as she talked into her phone. She was grinning at me. She was so fucking hot, despite the mood swings. This relationship stuff was so totally worth it.

“Okay, I’ll ask him. I have no idea. Er, when you hang up.”

I slumped on the sofa and when she hung up she came over and straddled me.

“Leah invited us over for dinner on Tuesday,” she explained.

“Great,” I replied

“You want to go?” she asked

“Of course.” I was looking forward to getting to see inside her life in London. Leah had seemed nice when I’d met her in New York and Armitage sounded like a decent guy.

She took my face in her hands.

“Are we good?” she asked.

I flipped her to her back onto the sofa and her hands slid to my neck. “We’re very good.” I kissed her neck and she lifted her chin to give me better access. I loved the feeling of her fingers in my hair. Somehow it seemed so intimate, I was Samson to her Delilah—I knew she could ruin me in the way she thought I could ruin her.

“Shall I cancel dinner at my sister’s?”

“No, why?”

“Well, we could stay home and do this all night,” I replied as I sucked on the flesh just below her collarbone.

“You’re going to leave a mark,” she said.

“I hope so.” I moved to the other side of her neck. I liked the idea of people being able to see my lips on her.

“Do you really want to cancel?” she asked.

“Yes, but it’s not worth the grief I’d get from her. Do you mind?”

“No. I’m interested to meet her.”

“Izzy is more interesting.”

“Izzy?”

“My niece. She’s adorable. She doesn’t get it from my sister, that’s for certain.”

“Be nice.”

“You haven’t met her. She’s a terror.”

“I’m sure she just tries to keep your bad behavior in check.”

“Great, talking about my sister has meant my hard-on has packed up and left, so we might as well go to dinner.” I dragged myself off her and pulled her up so she was sitting.

“I thought you said we were due there at seven.”

I nodded.

“We have time,” she said as her hand brushed against my denim covered dick and she looked up coyly at me. “Can I see if I can convince your hard-on to stick around? You’ve not been inside me since this morning and I can’t wait until bedtime.” Her eyes were glazed and her voice was breathy. Women before her had said things to me to try and please me, because they thought they should. With Anna it sounded like she couldn’t
not
say it. That what was in her head just trickled out and turned me on. I could feel the blood rushing to my dick already.

* * * * *

Despite an excellent blowjob and burying myself in her for what seemed like hours, my hard-on seemed to be permanent around her. I wasn’t sure if it was the backless top that she was wearing, her heels or just that smile.

“Are you okay?” she asked as we pulled up outside my sister’s place.

I grinned in response. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m ready for inspection.”

I suppose she was going to be under a bit of scrutiny from Jessica. Was that part of what had freaked her out earlier? I was just coming to see my sister and didn’t want to spend the evening without her. I’d not thought that this was an event. She was meeting my family.

“Just so you know, I don’t give a shit about my sister’s opinion about anything.”

She playfully whacked me with her handbag as she got out of the cab. “Don’t say that, it’s not nice.”

“I just mean this isn’t a test. It’s dinner.”

“Stop worrying about me. You’ll be the next to have a meltdown. I’m looking forward to it.”

“So we’re living in the moment?”

She stopped just before the gate and grinned at me. I couldn’t help but grin back.

“Kiss me,” she said.

I bent over to peck her on the lips and she wrapped her arms around me. She delved into my mouth with her tongue, pushing it passionately against mine. I slid my hands across her naked back, pulling her against me. Her perfect tits crushed against my chest. Fuck, she wasn’t wearing a bra.

Abruptly, she pulled away. “Living in the moment. Especially moments like that. Tell your hard-on he’s off duty for a couple of hours.” She grinned and I grabbed her hand and set off up the path to my sister’s front door.

“You’re cruel.” I huffed.

“You’ve got the sexual appetite of a nineteen-year-old boy.”

“And you’re the Virgin Mary?”

“I’m thinking that you give me the appetite of a nineteen-year-old boy, too.”

“Let’s just go home,” I whined. The last thing I wanted to do now was spend the evening with my sister. Anna stepped forward and pressed the buzzer and before I could suggest we make a run for it, shadows appeared through the frosted glass.

James threw the door open. “The women in this house are not in a good place.”

“Fuck off, James,” Jessica shouted from upstairs and Izzy started to wail. “Now look what you’ve done.”

“Welcome to the happiest place on earth,” James said and moved sideways so we could go inside.

“This is Anna.” I deliberately did not drop the word “girlfriend”.

Anna and James greeted each other and I wondered if Anna was feeling awkward. My sister screaming down the stairs wasn’t the friendliest of greetings. But Anna was smiling and she seemed relaxed.

“Jessica is just trying to settle Izzy, as you can hear. She’ll be down in a minute. And then once she’s downed a glass of merlot, she’ll almost be human.”

“I heard that.” Jessica trilled as she came into the kitchen where we were gathered, James pouring us drinks. “You’d better pour me two glasses.”

“Izzy down?” I asked.

“Hey, Bond. Yes, for how long, who knows?”

“Bond?” Anna asked.

“Jessica, this is my—this is Anna.”

Anna turned to look at me, grinned and then turned to Jessica. “I’m Ethan’s girlfriend, nice to meet you.”

My heart jumped in my chest and a dull ache drummed in my stomach. As I pulled my eyes from Anna to Jessica, Jessica was looking at me as if she was waiting for me to say something. I tried to pull down the corners of my mouth but it wasn’t working. She was my girlfriend and I was very fucking happy about it. I grabbed her hip and pulled her toward me.

“Well, wonders will never cease. Izzy’s asleep and Bond has a girlfriend. Fuck me.”

“Don’t swear,” James said.

“Izzy’s fucking upstairs. She can’t fucking hear us.”

“We’re trying not to swear in front of her,” James explained.

I nodded, not wanting to get involved. Jessica needed her Merlot.

“So what’s with calling you Bond?” Anna asked. I groaned.

“Oh this is going to be interesting. I can tell you all Ethan’s embarrassing stories.” Jessica was practically gleeful and I rolled my eyes at her.

“Jessica’s disastrous teenage dating years can trump anything she’s got on me. Bring it on,” I replied.

Jessica laughed. “This is going to be fun.”