Where Secrets Lie (5 page)

At the time, Sara wondered if his philosophy extended to friendships as well. In true ‘Seth’ fashion, she decided not to worry about it. Instead, she enjoyed riding the wave they were on.

~

Sara stood by the window in her father’s study and waited for Brian to pick her up for school. Although this was a familiar ritual, Sara drummed her fingertips on the edge of the windowsill while she scanned the street looking for his car.

The breakfast sandwich she was supposed to be eating sat in front of her untouched. It represented a compromise she worked out with her mother. Lee insisted both girls eat a hot breakfast, but Sara was adamant she did not have time, so Lee concocted a bacon and egg sandwich that Sara consumed on the go. She was surprised to discover she actually liked the sandwich, but this morning even thinking about eating it caused her stomach to rebel. She pushed it farther away to distance herself from the aroma.

Sara knew Brian would sense something was bothering her no matter how hard she tried to hide it, but she still vacillated about whether she should tell him today or wait.

Maybe she should go to the doctor first to make sure, but then her mother might find out, and Sara didn’t want Lee to know before Brian did. Besides, the test she took at home wasn’t complicated. It was hard to imagine there was any chance it was wrong.

How was she supposed to say it though? Should she just blurt it out, or was there a way to lead into it gently? Whenever she thought about how the conversation would go, all the questions he was sure to ask surged through her head and caused her to reconsider whether she was ready to tell him.

When they went to the creek today after school, they would have plenty of time alone to talk, and perhaps being in the place that had been so magical for them would somehow inspire the words that eluded her now.

Brian’s car turned onto her street. Sara grabbed her breakfast off the windowsill and hurried to the front door.

~

In springtime, winter runoff from the mountains made the creek’s water level high and its temperature frigid. When you got close, you could feel the coolness rise off the water into the air, so Sara and Brian sat well back from the rocks, and they each cradled a large coffee to warm their hands.

Sara was uncommunicative on the drive over, the whole day really. She assumed Brian noticed, and she was grateful he hadn’t asked her yet what was going on. Instead, he took his cue from her and remained silent.

It felt odd being at the creek without talking. When they were here, they talked about everything that mattered, and sometimes they talked about nothing at all, but they always talked. They were open and at ease with each other here. Sara hoped that wasn’t about to end.

She kept her eyes on the water. “I need to tell you something.”

“
I know, I’ve been waiting all day.”

Sara took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to say it.”

“
It’s ok, there’s no hurry.”

Without making a sound, tears began to roll down Sara’s cheeks. Brian moved closer but did not touch her.

After several minutes, Sara said softly, “I’m pregnant.”

Brian paled. “But… how… we’re always careful?”

“
I know.”

Sara couldn’t bring herself to expand any further. She’d spent countless hours contemplating how this could’ve happened, reminding herself condoms weren’t foolproof, and dreading Brian’s reaction to the rest of it.

“
Are you sure? Maybe you’re just late?”

“
I took a test,” she said.

Brian was unaware what such a test entailed exactly and was reluctant to ask for details.

“
I think it’s right,” Sara said. “I mean, it was pretty simple, I don’t think I could’ve messed it up.”

“
I’m sure you didn’t.”

Brian moved over until his thigh rested against hers. He put his arm around her waist. They were silent for a long time, bewildered by their own thoughts and apprehensive about each other’s.

Through all the mental haze, one thing became clear to Brian. He wanted Sara to know she was not solely responsible. They were in this together.

“
Sara, will you marry me?”

Sara hesitated. “I can’t.”

“
Why can’t you?”

Instead of the explanatory words she hoped for, all Sara could muster were copious tears. Brian’s arm tightened around her waist, and he leaned his head against hers.

“
I love you so much, Sara.”

“
I know, I love you, too.” Too much to say what she needed to say.

“
If you don’t want us to get married, does that mean you want to have an abortion?”

“
No, but not because I think it’s wrong or anything. It just doesn’t feel, I don’t know, right somehow. You know what I mean?”

“
Yeah, I think so.”

“
Do you want me to have an abortion?”

“
No, not unless you want to. I guess I figured it was up to you.”

“
I guess it is, but I want to know what you think too.”

It was such a relief to have someone caught up in all of this with her that Sara ignored her conscience’s pleas for full disclosure.

Brian paused to consider what he thought. “It doesn’t feel right to me either. What about adoption?”

“
Really? Adoption?”

“
Yeah, why not?”

“
I don’t know, something about it seems weird.”

“
How’s it weird?”

“
I just thought I’d either have the baby or I wouldn’t. I never thought about having it but not keeping it.”

“
It’s an option.”

“
I guess.”

“
Not a good one though?”

Were any of the options good ones? Not being pregnant at all was the only one that sounded good to her.

“
Maybe we should think about it,” he said.

“
Yeah, maybe.”

Brian moved his arm from her waist to her shoulders and pulled her closer. Sara leaned her head against his chest.

“
I really think we should get married,” he said.

“
Brian—”

“
Wait, hear me out. We love each other and none of the other options feel right. I think that’s because this is the right option. We should keep the baby. We should get married.”

“
What about school?”

“
We can still graduate.”

“
I don’t mean high school, I mean college.”

Their high school graduation was next month, and in the fall, they would both attend the University of Colorado.

“
We can still go to college,” he said.

“
How? We can’t take a baby to class.”

“
We’ll have to take turns, I guess.”

“
Going to class?”

“
Yeah, and watching the baby. It wouldn’t be that hard. We’d just have to make sure none of our classes are at the same time, that’s all.”

“
And where would we live? We can’t live in the dorms with a baby, and don’t say we could live with our parents.”

“
We probably could.”

“
Would we want to?”

“
No, I guess not. We could combine the money we would each spend on a dorm and rent a small apartment. That’d work.”

“
Our parents would have to agree, it’s their money.”

“
Yeah, that’s true. We’ll just have to convince them.”

“
To pay our way through college even though we’re married and have a baby?”

“
It’s that or we don’t go. I think my parents would want me to finish college no matter what.”

“
Mine too, but I don’t think they’d agree to pay for baby stuff. We’d have to work.”

“
We could do the same thing that we’d do with classes. Just find part time jobs that have different schedules.”

“
Would we make enough money that way?”

“
As long as our parents give us what they would’ve anyway for college, it should be. A little baby won’t cost that much.”

“
I don’t know, Brian. I think they need a lot of stuff even when they’re little.”

“
You might be right, but it wouldn’t be forever. Once we get our degrees we’ll get full time jobs, and it’ll be a lot easier.”

That’s true. It would only be for four years. Besides, Anne had an aunt and uncle who got married right after high school, and they were still together. It wasn’t unheard of.

“
We can make it work, Sara, I know we can. Please, let’s try. Say you’ll marry me.”

“
Brian—”

“
I love you, Sara, please say yes.”

It seemed crazy, but somehow it also made sense. Brian made it all sound so manageable. He believed they were capable of handling this together, and Sara wanted to believe too. The certainty in his eyes swayed her, and Sara relinquished her misgivings.

“
Yes, I will marry you.”

~

Sara walked into the kitchen. Lee was unloading groceries.

“
Hi, honey,” Lee said.

“
Hi, Mom.”

Sara started to help her mother with the groceries.

“
I have fun news,” Lee said. “Your dad’s working late, and your sister’s spending the night at Amber’s, so it’s just the two of us for dinner. I think we should go out. What do you say?”

Sara always enjoyed going out with her mother alone, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted a monopoly on Lee’s attention tonight. Sara hadn’t worked out how to tell her mother about her pregnancy and her plans with Brian yet. With all of that jumbling up her head, how would she be able to carry on a normal conversation?

“
I don’t know, Mom, I have a lot of homework.”

“
Oh, please, you’re always done with your homework long before dinnertime.”

“
I’m not sure I can finish it this time.” It was a lame excuse, but Sara couldn’t come up with a better one.

“
Are you feeling all right?” Lee asked.

“
I’m fine.”

“
You’ve looked a little tired lately. How have you been sleeping?”

Lee tried to put her hand on Sara’s forehead, but Sara backed away.

“
Mom, don’t do that. I’m fine, really.”

“
Well, then you should be able to finish your homework in time for us to go out, don’t you think?”

Sara knew she was cornered. “Sure, ok.”

“
That’s more like it. Now what are you in the mood for?”

“
Anything’s fine.”

“
There’s always Mexican?”

There were at least a half a dozen Mexican restaurants in the area they frequented. All of them prepared the traditional dishes with their own unique twist, which gave the food at each restaurant a distinctive flavor. Often the family would agree they wanted Mexican food but could not agree on which restaurant to go to.

“
Or we could try that new seafood place on Walnut?” Lee asked.

“
Sounds ok.”

“
C’mon Sara, don’t make me decide this by myself. You must have an opinion.”

Sara tried to decide which restaurant to choose or what else to say. Nothing came to her. She was too concerned about what they would talk about to be bothered with what they should eat. There was no room in her mind for anything else.

“
I know, we’ll go to Laudisio,” Lee said. “We haven’t been there in ages.”

Laudisio was their favorite Italian restaurant, which they usually reserved for special occasions. There was no doubt Katie and Jack would be disappointed to learn they missed a dinner at Laudisio. No way could Sara turn down going there without raising serious suspicions.

“
Sure, Mom, that sounds great.” Sara’s tone failed to convey the enthusiasm she was trying for.

“
Ok, Sara, what’s going on?”

“
Nothing, it really sounds great, I better get started on my homework.”

Sara tried to leave the kitchen, but Lee stepped in front of her.

“
Stop right there, I want to know what’s bothering you.”

Sara stopped but didn’t answer.

“
Is something wrong between you and Brian?”

Sara shook her head. She couldn’t trust herself to speak.

Lee scrutinized her. “Did you two have a fight?”

Sara shook her head again.

“
A disagreement then?”

Sara was on the verge of tears, and she began to quiver. Lee reached over and wrapped her arms around her. Good God, did they break up? Lee hadn’t seen that coming. Sara started crying. Lee patted Sara’s back.

“
Oh, sweetie, it’ll be all right,” Lee said.

Tell her, tell her, tell her, swirled in Sara’s head, but when she opened her mouth to speak, her heart pounded louder, and her throat constricted. She was having trouble catching her breath, and she was afraid she might faint. Tell her, tell her, tell her.

“
I’m pregnant.” Sara’s sobs muffled her words.

Lee’s embrace weakened for a moment and then tightened. She couldn’t let Sara see how stricken she was.