What You Really Really Want (4 page)

8. I often do sexual things or have sexual feelings that make me feel confused or bad.

9. My sexual partner(s), if I have them, share my beliefs and attitudes about sex.

10. My friends share my beliefs and attitudes about sex.

11. My family shares my beliefs and attitudes about sex.

12. I have people in my life I feel comfortable talking to about sex.

The last and possibly most important thing on your checklist has to do with getting clear about why you're engaging with this book at all. That may seem like a big “duh” to you. You may have picked up this book for a very explicit reason, like: “I want to be able to talk to my partner about how to make sex better for me.” Or it may seem like a tall order. Maybe you're still not sure why you're doing this at all. Maybe it's just a gut feeling you're following. Maybe you've picked up this book because a friend wants you to work on it with her.

The thing is, some of what we're going to cover in this book is going to feel difficult. I can't tell you which parts of the book you'll have reactions to—it's going to be different for everyone. But odds are, at least one or two sections are going to be hard enough that you feel like giving up. You may think,
This is hard and stupid and pointless. Why am I even bothering?

That's why it's so important to take some time right now, before you begin, to think about what you want to get out of this book. Perhaps the “Discover Where You're Starting From” quiz can guide you—wish any of your responses could change?
There's no right answer to the question of what you want from this process—only
your
answer (or answers!). The crucial thing is to get as clear as you can about it now and then write it down, so that when you get lost or confused or frustrated or pissed off or whatever, you can go back and read what you wrote now and help yourself stay on track to getting what you need.

All right. Now that you've committed yourself to discovering what you really really want, it's time to start the process of figuring out just that. But before we start finding a good path forward for you, we have to spend some time figuring out where you've come from and where you are now. Let's start by taking a look at the forces that have influenced your beliefs about sex
so far. As we do this, remember the stereo equalizer: The goal here isn't to remove these influences—that wouldn't be possible even if you wanted to. The goal is to figure out which of these influences you want to turn up the volume on, and which ones you want to minimize.

 

It's hard to talk about families in a general way, because every family is different. That's not just some
Sesame Street
lesson—it's hard to think of another social structure that's so important and yet so hard to define. “Families” are made up of a wide variety of different kinds and combinations of people. Different “families” have vastly different values from each other, and very different ideas about what a “family” is, and what it's for. Some people's families are incredibly loving, open, supportive, creative communities. Some people's families are abusive, poisonous nightmares. Some people don't grow up with a family at all. Most of us have flawed but well-meaning families—there may be some messed-up dynamics present, but everybody's doing their best with what they've got, and hopefully the good stuff outweighs the bad.

One of the few things most families have in common is that the people in your family are the first folks to teach you what you should and shouldn't do with your body. It starts the
moment you're born, and for most families doesn't stop, well, ever. Maybe they tell you to eat your broccoli because it will give you energy. Maybe they stop you from putting your finger in an electrical outlet, because they know that, sometimes, keeping you safe is more important than indulging your curiosity. Families are almost always where you find the primary adults who shape your life as you grow up and try to figure out the world. They've had bodies a lot longer than you have, and they have a lot of ideas about what to do with them. In short: They think they know better than you. And a lot of times, like when it comes to broccoli and electrical sockets, they're right.

But when it comes to what you should do with your body sexually, families can get
complicated
. Your family may have very strong beliefs about sex—beliefs that they may expect you to abide by, whether or not you really agree with them. Heck, they may not even agree with each other, or with their own relatives, about what's right and wrong when it comes to sex. Even more likely, your family may say little or nothing to you directly about sexuality, but instead convey their beliefs through the way they treat you and your body: stuff like offhand comments about your clothes, rules about what parts of your body are okay for you or other people to touch, assumptions about who you might be attracted to, or how you might behave around people you're attracted to—you get the idea.

Take twenty-four-year-old Gray, for example, who says she grew up in a very religious family: “I was taught that my body was something to hide from men—including male members of my family. And I was always so confused about why I couldn't sleep in the basement with my cousin when we were twelve,
and why I had to be hyperconscious of it when I was walking around the house.”

Jill, twenty-seven, had a much different experience.

And what your family teaches you directly is only part of the equation. We learn so much from watching how the people around us behave, and our families are often the people around us the most as we're growing up. If you watch members of your family be abusive or shaming or hurtful to each other, you're going to absorb different lessons than if you watch your family be loving and supportive and respectful about sexuality.

The thing is, whatever your family's attitudes about sexuality, they didn't get those values from nowhere. They've been influenced by the same forces that influence all of us: the media,
their own family and friends, their religious beliefs, what they were taught in school, etc. And they may never have examined their beliefs about sex as thoroughly as someone like you, who's picked up this here fine book.