we were one once book 2: "A Dark Romance" (4 page)

But I’m not good at waiting.

“I’ll be right back,” I pat Simon’s hand that is already squeezing harder around my arm.

8

“Where are you going?” I pull Red closer to my side, not letting her go. Cary arches a brow, but doesn’t turn his head to us more. I know I should keep my voice down. I’ve already acted like a crazy asshole tonight, pushing Red around and keeping myself between her and anyone else.

But something feels off and I’m on edge. Red keeps nervously looking around, her head like a fucking bird’s pivoting all over. It’s not like her. Her laugh is even off.

“I’m just going to the bathroom.” Her voice is still too high pitched. She pats my hand again, but she won’t meet my eyes. I’m tempted to demand that Grace talk to me. I think I could get a straight answer out of
her
since she responds better to my domineering ways.

I’m struck once more by the insanity of my own thoughts and how easily I’ve gotten used to all of this.

I’ve had my share of women. I’ve had my share of sharing women. I’ve had up to four women in bed with me at one time. It gets complicated and interesting real fast. But I’ve never had anything like this with Red. Or with Grace. Or any of the others that I just call “Grace” because I don’t know what else to call them.

But there it is again. Them. I’m in over my head with how complicated and interesting it’s gotten.

Grace is the answer to everything submissive that I’ve ever wanted. I’ve not set out to train a girl to be mine before, but if I had…it’d be Grace. But Red is the answer to everything that I’ve never known I wanted. Fuck.

Ok. To myself I can admit it. I like them both equally.
Like
? What am I…15? Ok…
more
than like. I
want
them both. I
have
them both. So why does everything feel lopsided tonight? Like I’m the only one in the room that can feel the ground shaking with a 9.0 quake?

I take a deep breath and twist our bodies around, so my back is to the small group of men that Cary is talking with still. I lean over her and can’t keep the growl out of my voice as hard as I try, “I don’t know what’s going on with you tonight, Red, but you’re going to tell me when we get home.” She only blinks up at me. “Fine. You have five minutes, then we’re leaving.” She pulls away, but I snap her back to my side once more. “And stay the Hell away from the man that came to my house earlier.” She only nods, so I squeeze her to me harder, “I mean it, Red.” She looks up at me and I wish I could tell what she’s thinking. She’s not blank, not withdrawn, but she might as well be. She only nods again. Fuck.

I finally let her go and watch as she moves back to the edge of the room. I lose her to the crowd. I felt this way when she didn’t show up in Chinatown or Castro last year. When I’d lost control and I’d lost her. It’s not a familiar feeling for me. Not a feeling I welcome ever feeling again either.

Grace has been beyond unusual for me, in so many ways. Embracing her dissociative identity disorder…well, it’s been a crazy ride. Beyond what I expected last year when I followed her, that’s for sure. Fuck, then she was just a quiet, shy girl I meant to take and train. That seems like years ago, but it was only four weeks yesterday that I brought her to my home with the intention of keeping her as my personal slave. Only four weeks of being lost in my obsession for everything about her.

In one night, I went from a man in complete control over everything in my life to a mixed-up mess, falling for a chick way more fucked up than I ever could have imagined. Falling for her? Fuck, try
fallen
, jackass.

And now, I feel completely out of control again. This was a bad idea, bringing her out in public like this. I don’t want to expose her to anyone. I don’t want to
share
her with anyone, even a room full of innocuous strangers. She might think me crazy with my obsession, but takes one to know one, sweetheart. A half smile cracks through the strain of my pressed lips.

“You all right, man?” Cary’s voice cuts into my thoughts. I nod and he moves slightly away again. But not far. He’s keeping an eye on me.

Cary has always been able to see through me. He’s always been able to react to my subtle mood shifts. I like to think that I’m mysterious and able to hold my shit together pretty well, but I’m an open book to him. And his sister, Sophia. And now Grace and Red. Guess the only mystery is how long I’m going to hold onto a false image of myself. That has me smiling slightly again.

I try to relax more and return to the conversation, but I can feel every muscle twitching. I down my remaining glass of pinot and make this an excuse to leave the group behind. My way towards the back where the restrooms are is hindered by non-stop attempts to pull me into other small groups though. Women I’ve fucked, women who want to fuck me. Men I’ve known, some as clients; men who want to get to know me, some as clients. And a few of Grandfather’s friends. For those, I stop briefly.

Closer to the back, I finally have a clear view of Red. And she’s doing exactly what I told her not to do. She’s talking to Miles. He has his hand on her waist and a fucking smile on his face. I can’t see her face, but the look on his says he likes whatever he’s hearing.

I take a big step towards her and knock right into a waiter clearing a tray of glasses off a table. In the shattering noise and flying glass shards, I take my eyes off of Red.

When I look back up, she’s alone and looking right at me. But for a moment, I could swear it’s Grace again. My own anger, the distance and distractions make it hard to tell.

She doesn’t move, so I make my way to her.

9

It didn’t take long for Miles to spot that I was alone. I watch out of the corner of my eye as he beelines for me.

I turn and smile at him last minute, so he comes to a quick halt, his hand still reaching out to me. I brace myself for the collision of his flesh with mine, but he withdraws his hand like he can feel heat rolling off of me. I certainly feel my skin flushing with anticipation.

“Miles Vanderson,” I don’t enjoy saying his name, but I do like the way a crease forms between his brows at my confidence, “
You’re
a long way from home…”

“It seems I had to travel a great distance…and time…to get back what’s
mine
.” He’s not looking around or even nervous. I’ve stood so still and tense that I can no longer feel my toes. I glance once around the crowd, wary of taking my eyes off him. Could some of these men be working for him?

“Looks like you travelled all this way for nothing then.” I give myself points for not showing the nerves that are fraying my will to stand up to him.

“Not at all, my dear. I can see my prize clearly and I
know
I won’t be leaving here empty-handed.” He’s too confident. I search his face for a sign of what he has planned, a hint of how far he’s willing to go in public like this. I get nothing more than a broadening of his smile and tilt of his head. The composed and intimidating look he inherited from his Father, without any of the kindness.

I’ve seen a few women glance our way, longing to take my place and talk with the handsome stranger. He’s good at fooling people into only seeing what he wants. We’re alike in that regard. The cold and calculating side of him can stay hidden or be brought out whenever he likes. The evil that emanates from him always remains in the shadows. Except when he had us alone.

I can’t stop the shudder that rolls up my back and forces my shoulders to tilt forward. The memory of that last encounter with him still commands my thoughts.

Miles drops his hands from my waist and takes one step back, looking me up and down slowly. “I thought this might be too much for her to take.” His lips quirk with a malicious smile, holding in merciless laughter.

I can feel the coolness to this room, feel the surfaces wanting to crush me, feel the tightness of the space wanting to stop my breathing. But I can push this away. I’ve done it before, I can do it now. Just breathe, dammit! Slow and steady. That’s it.

I stand a little taller, bracing myself for his cruelty as I always do. I’m able to meet his stare when his eyes return to mine. No softness, no sweetness. Just that cruel narrowing that usually comes before a first strike. Even though he continues to see me, his words are aimed at Grace; he speaks right through me, as though I’m inconsequential to him. That’s a strike that hurts my pride and heart, but I take it like any other without flinching.

“The doctors were unsuccessful in convincing you to be whole again, Gilli. But I think this room will have the desired effect.” His eyes follow around the enclosure before landing on me again. “If you refuse to give up your insanity, your little personality flittings…this will be your room.”

I take a step back, doubling over. I can’t help but feel his words like a punch to my stomach. He can’t be serious! We can’t stay in here! We’ll die if we’re left in here! “You wouldn’t leave her here…,” my words are breathy and no more than a plea. I’m gulping air, trying to still myself but failing miserably. Get ahold of yourself dammit!

“I would. And I will.” I see his shoes come into view as he grabs my chin and forces me to stand up straighter. “I won’t tolerate your insanity any longer, Gillian. You will behave yourself and conduct yourself properly.”

Breathing through my nose, shallow, hard breaths, tears falling despite my will to stop them, “She can’t…”

He shakes my head, nails digging into my cheeks, “She can. She will. She has no choice.” He lets go of my face, but steps into my body, forcing me into a tight embrace, lowering his voice. “Okay…here’s your choice, Gilli. Stay here and stay insane. Or come back upstairs with me and be what you were always meant to be. Mine.”

I want to push away, I want to claw and chew my way away from him. But I know that would be a mistake. I learned long ago that I’m no match for him. And inside a locked cell… We can’t stay here!

I lower my forehead to his shirt. Hot tears fall and I no longer try to stop them. Defeat should always be accompanied by hot tears.

I feel his lips press against my head, pushing me down into him more. “You will be my wife in four short months. Right after you graduate, my love, we will wed. I told you I would always take care of you.” I feel his hot breath and try to match mine to his, because I can feel my knees wanting to give with the lack of oxygen. “I know you can do this. For me. You can stop your childish intemperance and give yourself to me completely.”

I stop a laugh, hiding it with the shaking of my body against his. But it takes me a moment to be able to respond with a weak protest. “We didn’t choose to be this way. We just are. And you can’t force us to be what we’re not…”

He pulls me gently off his chest, holding me at arm’s length. The look on his face is so calm, so reassuring that for a moment I’m calmed by it. But insanity comes tumbling out of his mouth, in an equally calm and assured manner, “If I can’t force you to be exactly what I want, then I will force you to spend the rest of your days in here. Alone. Locked up. Because that’s what happens to crazy people, Gillian. They. Get. Locked. Up.” His gleaming smile is the picture of crazy.

I shake my head, but words freeze. And he doesn’t give me a chance to speak, his fingers digging into my arms, “I want my answer from Gillian. Or I walk out this door and give you a week to think about it.”

Panic flutters my heart, but it’s Grace that will have to speak for us. I back away, onto the stage, staring in disbelief at the sweet and loving look on Miles’ face.

I never believed that he would be that cruel to Grace. To me, to the rest of us, sure. But not to her. It was a foolish mistake. But his words rang true then. We understood from Mother’s threats how easily we would find ourselves locked up by the sane, unchanging world. She had made it clear that if we ever exposed her brutalities, she would make sure we never saw the outside world again either.

Miles was just putting a new spin on her old threat. But we knew he’d keep his promise the same as Mother would have.

He sneers at me and I blink away tears of frustration at showing him any emotion now. “Enough games,
Gillian
. You’ve had your fun, now it’s time we have a serious talk.”

I know what he’s trying to do. What he’s always done. He means to usurp me and bring Grace to the forefront. It’s always her that he wants. I can feel the ping in my head, small and half-hearted. Grace doesn’t want to face him. I can also feel the fear from her and the others. It’s a loud drum in time with my heart rate that threatens to drown out everything else.

But we’re not trapped in a locked room this time. And I’ve promised myself to never show him fear again.

“You’re stuck with
me
, Miles.
I’m
not going anywhere.” I force my feet to move, to spread a little wider under my dress, to jut my hip out more and cup it with my hand, tossing my hair back. I hope I look stronger than I feel. “And there’s
nothing
you can do about it.” I got through that without blinking, ha!

A lot can happen in a heartbeat though. Even a really fast one. Lives crumble in a heartbeat. Promises are lost in a heartbeat.

He chuckles and steps closer, putting his hand above mine, on my waist. I can feel the warmth of his touch and start to recoil, but his fingers tighten. “You’ll either cooperate and leave with me now or your
host
will be seeing the inside of a jail cell within the hour.”

I don’t want to understand Miles, what he’s threatening. But I do understand all too clearly in that one heartbeat. “You wouldn’t.” My voice burns out of my throat, the words acid I wish I could use to hurt him. His smile stretches even more as his fingers cinch painfully into my waist.

“Try me.” He leans forward and his familiar aftershave fills my mouth with the fear I gulp down. “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” his sing song whisper brushes hot air against my cheek with each word.

And I give in; I go in. Grace is what Miles wants. She’s pretending to be brave enough to face him, but we all know the score now. There’s no winning with him. Not tonight. Not here.

I can just see Miles leaning back; I can just feel his hand relaxing on my waist as I turn around in our mind and retreat into the darkest corner.

I’ll live in the heartbeat before this one. I’ll live in the moment that held all the hope and happiness I had with Simon. I’ll live in the one where my promise was kept and I didn’t show any fear.

I won’t abandon Grace, but she’ll have to find the courage on her own to face Miles now. Courage she barely had three years ago.