Uncle John’s Briefs (12 page)

Honoree:
Bryan J. Patrie, a Stanford graduate student

Notable Achievement:
Inventing the Watercolor Intelligent Nightlight, which informs bleary-eyed midnight bathroom-goers whether the toilet seat up is or down…without turning on a blinding light.

True Story:
Patrie introduced the device in the early 1990s. He explained: “When you get within five feet of the dark commode, it will sense your motion. It looks to see if the room is dark. Then it looks upward by sending out an infrared beam. If it gets a reflection, it knows the seat is up. If it is, the red light comes on.”

HIS & HERS BATHROOM PEEVES

According to the
Philadelphia Inquirer’s
Toilet Paper Report, women’s #1 bathroom complaint is men leaving the toilet seat up. Men’s #1 complaint: waiting for women to get out of the bathroom.

Amphibians’ eyes come in a variety of shapes, including square or heart-shaped pupils.

FILTHY WATER PEOPLE

Did you ever get a lousy nickname that stuck? You’re in good company. Many Native American tribes are known today by unflattering names given to them by their neighbors. Here are a few examples
.

C
HEYENNE
Meaning:
Red-Talkers
Origin:
This Great Plains tribe called themselves the
Tsitsistas
, which means the “Beautiful People.” The neighboring Dakota people may have agreed, but they couldn’t understand what the Tsitsistas were saying, because they spoke a different language. They called the Tsitsistas the “Red-Talkers,” meaning “those who speak unintelligibly,” or, in Dakota, the
Cheyenne
.

APACHE
Meaning:
Enemy
Origin:
Like many Native American tribes, this one, famous for legendary chief Geronimo, called themselves “the People”—
Dine
(di-nay) in their native language. But the neighboring tribe—victim of many of their war parties—the Zuni, called them “the enemy,” or
apachu
. Over time, that evolved into their permanent name, the
Apache
.

ARAPAHO
Meaning:
Tattooed People
Origin:
These Plains Indians called themselves the
Inuna-ina
, which translates to “the People.” Their neighbors, the Crow, identified them by their distinctive body markings and called them “Tattooed People,” or, in their language,
Arapahos
.

HURON
Meaning:
Boar’s Head
Origin:
This tribe lived in the area between Lakes Huron and Ontario and called themselves the
Wyandot
, meaning “Those from the Peninsula.” But the French called them
Hures
, or “Boar’s Head,” because the men in
the tribe wore their hair in bristly spikes that resembled boar’s hair—and
Hures
eventually became
Huron
.

Of the world’s 100 largest economic entities, 51 are corporations and 49 are countries.

WINNEBAGO
Meaning:
Filthy Water People
Origin:
These Great Lakes Indians were named by the
Chippewa
people. Their own name was
Horogióthe
, or “Fish-Eaters.” But the Chippewa called them the
Winnebago
—the “Filthy Water People,” possibly because the Horogióthe painted themselves with clay when going to war, which made them appear to have bathed in muddy water.

MOHAWK
Meaning:
Man-Eaters
Origin:
This tribe from upper New York State and eastern Canada called themselves
Kaniengehagaóthe
, or “Flint People.” That proved to be a very difficult word to pronounce for Europeans, who called them what their neighbors, the Narragansett, called them:
Mohawk
, or “Man-Eaters.” Why? They engaged in ritualistic cannibalism.

GROS VENTRES
Meaning:
Big Bellies
Origin:
This tribe from what is now Montana and Saskatchewan called themselves the
Ahahninin
, or “White Clay People.” When early French fur trappers and traders asked members of neighboring tribes about the name, they responded—in Native American sign language—by sweeping their hand out from their chest and downward, making what appeared to be a “belly” shape. What were they saying? Historians believe they were saying “Waterfall People,” referring to the part of the Saskatchewan River where they lived. The French mistook the gesture and called them the name they are still called today, the
Gros Ventres
—“Big Bellies.”

“Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.”

—Mark Twain

First county to issue postage stamps: Great Britain (1840).

HE’S A CURLY WOLF

Real cowboy slang of the late 19th century was a lot different from the way it’s been depicted in movies and on TV. Some examples:

C
offee boiler:
A lazy person who sits around the coffee pot instead of helping with the work.

Big bug:
Important person; big shot.

Bone orchard:
Cemetery.

The boss:
The best.

He only gave it a lick and a promise:
He did a poor job.

Crow bait:
A poor-quality horse.

Shin out:
To run away.

Clean someone’s plow:
To beat them up.

You’re all down but nine:
You don’t understand—refers to missing all the pins in a game of nine-pin bowling.

Coffin varnish:
Bad coffee.

Grub-line rider:
Someone who travels from ranch to ranch looking for work.

Curly wolf:
A very tough, very dangerous person.

Flannel mouth:
A smooth talker.

California widow:
A wife who lives apart from her husband because he has gone West to seek his fortune.

Gospel sharp:
A preacher. (As skilled with the Bible as a card sharp is with cards.)

Indian haircut:
A scalping.

Quirley:
A cigarette you roll yourself.

Cowboy change:
Bullets (sometimes used as quarters or dimes when coins were short).

Fightin’ wages:
Extra money paid to cowboys for fighting Indians or cattle rustlers.

Take French leave:
To desert, or leave without permission.

Dude:
An Easterner or well-dressed person (they wear “duds”).

Someone to ride the river with:
Someone dependable.

Beat the Devil around the stump:
To procrastinate.

Honda:
The eyelet at the end of a lasso that’s used to make the loop.

The towns of Kamas and Samak are Utah neighbors.

BRITS VS. AMERICANS:
A WORD QUIZ

People in both countries speak English, but we don’t necessarily use the same words. For instance, the British call a raincoat a “mackintosh.” See if you can match the British words to their American counterparts
.

BRITISH

1)
Knackered

2)
Crumpet

3)
Stone

4)
Nick

5)
Afters

6)
Rubber

7)
Lollipop lady

8)
Berk

9)
Pilchards

10)
Chuffed

11)
Redundant

12)
Yob

13)
Brolly

14)
Spot on

15)
Naff

16)
Dodgy

17)
Nappy

18)
Nutter

19)
Butty

20)
Plonk

21)
Doddle

22)
Starkers

23)
Tailback

24)
Wally

25)
Gormless

26)
Wonky

27)
Ladder

28)
Daps

29)
Argy-bargy

AMERICAN

a)
Dessert

b)
Heated argument

c)
Moron

d)
Umbrella

e)
Sandwich

f)
Pleased

g)
An attractive woman

h)
Sneakers

i)
Easy task

j)
Iffy, suspect

k)
Stupid

l)
Exhausted

m)
Run (in stockings)

n)
Crossing guard

o)
Worthless, unfashionable

p)
Diaper

q)
Steal

r)
Kook

s)
Sardines

t)
Cheap wine

u)
Unemployed

v)
Eraser

w)
Perfect

x)
Naked

y)
Fourteen pounds

z)
Traffic jam

aa)
Nerd

bb)
Unstable

cc)
Hooligan

Answers

1) l; 2) g; 3) y; 4) q; 5) a; 6) v; 7) n; 8) c; 9) s; 10) f; 11) u; 12) cc; 13) d; 14) w; 15) o; 16) j; 17) p; 18) r; 19) e; 20) t; 21) i; 22) x; 23) z; 24) aa; 25) k; 26) bb; 27) m; 28) h; 29) b

Kevin Costner, Harrison Ford, and Gene Hackman have all appeared in Japanese commercials for Kirin beer.

LITTLE THINGS
MEAN A LOT

“The devil’s in the details,” says an old proverb. And in the profits too. The littlest thing can mean big bucks. Here are a few examples
.

A
MINUS SIGN
In 1962 an Atlas-Agena rocket that was carrying the
Mariner 1
satellite into space was launched from Cape Canaveral. Unfortunately, the rocket went off course and ground controllers had to push the self-destruct button. The whole thing exploded. Investigators found that someone had left a minus sign out of the computer program. Cost to U.S. taxpayers: $18.5 million.

A LETTUCE LEAF

In 1993 Delta Airlines was looking for ways to reduce costs to compete in the cutthroat airline industry. They discovered that by just eliminating the decorative piece of lettuce served under the vegetables on inflight meals, they could save over $1.4 million annually in labor and food costs.

A SHOE

On September 18, 1977, the Tennessee Valley Authority had to close its Knoxville nuclear power plant. The plant stayed shut for 17 days, at a cost of $2.8 million. Cause of the shutdown: “human error.” A shoe had fallen into an atomic reactor.

A DECIMAL POINT

In 1870 the government published a table of nutritional values for different foods. According to the charts, spinach had 10 times as much iron as other vegetables. Actually, a decimal point had been misplaced; spinach has about the same amount as other veggies. But a popular misconception had already taken hold that spinach promotes strength. Long-term benefit: It ultimately gave us Popeye the Sailor, who’s “strong to the finish, ’cause I eats my spinach.”

SWAN SONGS

When someone dies, whether it’s sudden or not, the last thing he or she did often seems poignantly appropriate. For a musician, that’s often a song
.