TTFN (5 page)

mad maddie:

hola, zo. ever since i got home from school i've been thinking about angela. u figure she's left for her big family dinner?

zoegirl:

she's probably in the middle of it this very second.

zoegirl:

i'm worried.

mad maddie:

i had the craziest thought about what might be going on. forget the mr. silver's-having-an-affair theory: what if angela's mom is preggers?!!

zoegirl:

what???

mad maddie:

she's not THAT old, u know. she could have some eggs left. and maybe the woman mr. silver was talking to was just a friend, someone he could spill his guts to. and that's why he looked so nervous, cuz he didn't know what u'd overheard.

zoegirl:

oh man, angela would *freak* if her mom's pregnant.

mad maddie:

it would explain all the hush-hush-ness

zoegirl:

you're right, it would

mad maddie:

and i really don't think mr. silver's the type to have an affair, do u?

zoegirl:

i'd be so sad if he was.

mad maddie:

we'll know soon enough, i guess

mad maddie:

in other news, i may be crippled for life. u may have to call me gimpy. or the gimpster.

zoegirl:

huh?

mad maddie:

i was taking a shower and the conditioner was all at the bottom of the bottle, so i turned it upside down and shook it and it flew out of my hand and hit my foot. it totally cut my toe open. blood was, like, swirling down the drain.

zoegirl:

owww!

mad maddie:

“death by conditioner.” i can c the obituary now.

zoegirl:

“instead of flowers, the family has requested donations to aveda.”

mad maddie:

ha. only i'm a paul mitchell girl.

zoegirl:

paul mitchell doesn't lather

mad maddie:

it does if ur not afraid to slab it on. u gotta be fearless, girl.

mad maddie:

lemme know if u hear anything from angela!

SnowAngel:

call me! now!

zoegirl:

are you at the restaurant?

SnowAngel:

yes. call me!!!

zoegirl:

maddie, you're not going to believe this

mad maddie:

believe what? did u talk to angela?

zoegirl:

just now. she is beyond upset.

zoegirl:

maddie, her dad's not having an affair—he lost his job.

mad maddie:

he what?

zoegirl:

he was fired. isn't that terrible?

mad maddie:

WHY?

zoegirl:

i don't know. “downsizing” is what her dad told her.

mad maddie:

omg

zoegirl:

and get this: it happened over a month ago. i mean, mrs. silver knew, but not angela and chrissy.

mad maddie:

he's been hiding it this whole time?

mad maddie:

it's so dumb when grown-ups do that. don't they know it always makes things worse?

zoegirl:

tell me about it.

mad maddie:

so who was the mystery woman at starbucks?

zoegirl:

well, i asked angela that—although i didn't mention the affair part, so don't you either. and angela said it was probably his career counselor. he's, like, got to start his life all over again.

mad maddie:

whoa

mad maddie:

what's he gonna do?

zoegirl:

i don't know. angela couldn't talk long because she had to get back to the table, but she said she'll tell us more when she gets home.

mad maddie:

man oh man

zoegirl:

i *told* u something bad was gonna happen. i told you things couldn't go on being so great forever.

mad maddie:

jesus. i guess u were right!

SnowAngel:

my life is hell—complete and utter hell!!!

mad maddie:

i know, angela. i'm so sorry.

SnowAngel:

no, u DON'T know. it's so much worse. i can't even talk, cuz i'm crying so hard. i can't even make my thumbs punch in the right letters!

zoegirl:

angela! what's going on? WHAT'S worse?

mad maddie:

CALL ME, YOU BIG DUMMY! call me and i'll add zoe in. then you can tell us instead of bad-thumb-typing us.

SnowAngel:

if i cld talk, i wld. but i can't. all you'd hear is me bawling. plus if i heard your voices i'd break down even more.

zoegirl:

angela? you're kind of scaring me. please tell us what's wrong. please?

SnowAngel:

fine. there's no other way to say it, so i just will.

SnowAngel:

my dad's making us move to california!!!

zoegirl:

*what*?

SnowAngel:

i hate my parents. i hate everyone! why is this happening?!!!

mad maddie:

ur moving to CALIFORNIA???

mad maddie:

NOOOOOO. angela, that's crazy!

zoegirl:

you *can't* move! you … you can't!

SnowAngel:

well, apparently i can, cuz i'm a TEENAGER and i have no control over my life! i have to do what my stupid PARENTS say, even if it's the most horrible thing in the entire world!

zoegirl:

wait—slow down

zoegirl:

your dad lost his job, and that majorly majorly sucks. but how did we get from there to california???

SnowAngel:

cuz all this time when my dad's SUPPOSEDLY been at work, he's actually been meeting with his career counselor and filling out online applications. that's how!

mad maddie:

zoe thought your dad was having an affair, btw

SnowAngel:

WHAT???

mad maddie:

she did. she thought the career counselor was his lover.

zoegirl:

maddie!!!

SnowAngel:

i don't care. i wish the career counselor WAS his
lover, cuz believe me, that would be better than the truth.

SnowAngel:

he applied to this one company in el cerrito, and they offered him a position. they want him to start right away!

zoegirl:

el cerrito? where's el cerrito?

mad maddie:

angela, listen to me. forget el cerrito, forget your dad's career counselor lover. U R NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE.

mad maddie:

your dad hasn't said yes, has he?

SnowAngel:

he hasn't accepted the job YET, but he's flying us out to look at housing. he's trying to make it sound “fun.” we're going over thanksgiving!

mad maddie:

THANKSGIVING?!!

zoegirl:

angela, please tell me you're kidding. thanksgiving is this thursday!

SnowAngel:

we're having turkey at my aunt sadie's at 11:00, and then we're catching a 3:30 flight to california. our meal won't even be digested by then! it's insane!!!

zoegirl:

i can't believe they just *sprung* this on you. this is so awful!

SnowAngel:

i know! dad was all, “we didn't want to worry u w/o reason, we wanted to work out the details.” and i was like, “were u EVER gonna tell us, or were u just gonna stick us on a plane and be like, ‘good-bye, old life. hello, el cerrito!'”

SnowAngel:

crap, i can't do this. my hands are shaking. my whole body is shaking.

mad maddie:

want us to come over?

SnowAngel:

will u?

mad maddie:

of course, and we'll figure out how to beat this. we will, angela. CUZ U R NOT MOVING TO CALIFORNIA.

SnowAngel:

what about u, zoe? will your mom let u out of the house this late?

zoegirl:

i'll lie to her if i have to. i'll tell her i have to go buy new highlighters.

SnowAngel:

plz come quick

mad maddie:

we're on the way!!!

mad maddie:

god, zoe, poor angela. she was like a zombie today, wandering around school with that beat-up expression on her face.

zoegirl:

i know. i feel terrible.

mad maddie:

yeah, i could tell. every time i saw u, u gave me a death look.

zoegirl:

that wasn't because of angela. that's because i'm still mad at you about the whole mr. silver thing. i can't believe you told her i thought her dad was having an affair!

mad maddie:

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. how many times must i apologize?

mad maddie:

but c'mon, angela knew not to take it seriously. she's good that way.

zoegirl:

she's good *every* way

zoegirl:

i can't live without her, mads. i can't even imagine it.

mad maddie:

i can't either. but i thought about it on my way home, and i have an idea. the silvers will fly to california tomorrow, and angela will tell her dad she hates el cerrito, and that'll be the end of it. cuz mr. silver can't say no to angela, right?

zoegirl:

i don't know. he's said no to her before. like when she wanted to build a fire pit in their backyard, remember?

mad maddie:

just so we could roast marshmallows, which is such an angela kind of thing to wanna do.

zoegirl:

and then we roasted them anyway in the oven, and the pot holder caught on fire and mr. silver had a fit. poor angela!

mad maddie:

AAARGH, my head hurts. we have to talk about something else or i'm gonna explode.

mad maddie:

did i tell u i almost found a googlewhack?

zoegirl:

???

mad maddie:

it's distraction therapy. u type 2 words into google. the goal is to get only 1 hit. for example, “toking marsupials.”

zoegirl:

toking marsupials?

mad maddie:

or “phlegmatic weepies” or “crampy dailiness.” or my fave, “crapulent porker.”

mad maddie:

those aren't mine, tho. i can't take credit for them.

zoegirl:

huh. pity.

mad maddie:

it's extremely hard to find a true googlewhack, but i came close. “flatulent madigan” got 60 hits, while “absorbent madigan” got 636. but “madigan's pantaloons” only got 3.

zoegirl:

distraction therapy, you say?

mad maddie:

3, i tell u! this is muy impressive!

zoegirl:

i'm not sure i'm grasping the point of all this …

mad maddie:

the point is that there IS no point. it keeps me from thinking about angela, that's all.

mad maddie:

but since U made me think about her again—thanks a lot—do u think she's coming to dylan's party tonight?

zoegirl:

i don't know. she's pretty depressed.

mad maddie:

which is exactly why she needs to come.

mad maddie:

what about u? are u coming?

zoegirl:

i have to work first—i picked up a shift since we have tomorrow off. but i'll swing by after.

mad maddie:

ooo, you picked up a shift at Kidding Around? nudge-nudge, know what i mean, know what i mean?

zoegirl:

maddie? you're trying to make a sex joke about a childcare facility.

mad maddie:

it's a stupid name. i can't help it.

mad maddie:

so shld i invite chive to dylan's? i wanna invite him to do SOMETHING, only i don't want it to be boring, which i'm fairly sure dylan's won't be. do you follow dylan on twitter?

zoegirl:

i did, but it made me want to buy him “hooked on phonics.” HIS SPELLING MAKES ME CRINGE! so i muted him.

mad maddie:

HA. well, apparently there will be copious amounts of beer.

zoegirl:

dylan's an idiot to tweet that. what if his parents see it?

zoegirl:

tonnie wyndham's in my english class, and last week she said on facebook how she'd plagiarized her book review. only ms. griffith found out, because ms. griffith surfs the net and types in her students' names.

mad maddie:

that girl needs to change her privacy settings.

mad maddie:

she doesn't seem to have much interest in privacy—or shld i say boundaries—in the first place, tho. today in health, she asked how many calories r in a tablespoon of sperm.

zoegirl:

ewww!

mad maddie:

wanna know the answer? 9.

zoegirl:

that is revolting. mrs. wayker actually knew?

mad maddie:

guess it's not the first time it's come up.

mad maddie:

ha—come up, get it?

zoegirl:

i am *never* giving anyone a blow job, not even my husband.

mad maddie:

bullshit. u totally will.

zoegirl:

why would you say that? it's disgusting!

mad maddie:

prude, prude, prude. when u find the person who makes u GLOW, u'll go down on him quick as a wink. and then HE'LL glow. you'll blow; he'll glow.

mad maddie:

god, i'm on a roll. this stuff just comes out of me—i don't even have to try.

zoegirl:

maddie, there's nothing here for you to be proud of. hate to break it to you.

mad maddie:

blah blah blah. i'm gonna make the bold move and call chive, and then i'll text angela and tell her that she's required to go too.