Trace + Olivia Series Boxed Set (179 page)

“It was only like two months,” I grumbled. 

“Love doesn’t have a timeline,” she severed me with a glare. “Love doesn’t wait. When it’s meant to be, then it is.”

“Well, if it’s meant to be I guess it’ll work itself out.” I used her words against her.

Her lips thinned. “That doesn’t mean you don’t have to try.”

Luckily I was saved from replying by the doorbell ringing. 

At first my heart jolted behind my ribs as a part of me hoped it was Jude, but I quickly realized it was simply the pizza arriving. 

Despite my current pissed off state where Jude was concerned, I still yearned to see him. I was pathetic. 

Rowan jumped up from the couch, patting my knee as she passed me on her way to the front door. She paid the guy for the pizza and set the box on the coffee table.

Without saying anything to me she disappeared into the kitchen and I heard cabinet doors slam as she searched for whatever she was looking for. She returned a few minutes later with plates and glasses of water.

We ate in silence and watched TV. Well, I didn’t really watch it. I sort of stared at the TV as my mind wandered to thoughts of Jude. How he made me feel, how he could make me laugh, the feel of his fingers on my skin, how it felt when we made love…it was all there on an endless spin cycle in my head. No matter how hard I tried not to think of him, he was always there.

“Will it ever stop hurting?” I asked Rowan eventually.

She turned to me, and set her plate of pizza on her lap. “Honestly?” Her lips turned down in a frown. “When Trent and I were broken up, or whatever you want to call it, after he found out about Tristan…it never stopped hurting until he forgave me and took me back. The pain was suffocating at times. All I wanted was him and I knew he was the only man I’d ever want. I was so scared that I’d completely fucked us up and that we’d never be together…” She trailed off, her eyes sad. 

“Is it wrong of me to feel like I need time to think things through?” I asked her.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I would’ve done, or how I would’ve felt, if I saw Trenton kissing another girl…or a girl kissing him,” she amended. “Since I haven’t been in that spot, I don’t feel like I can judge or pass an opinion.” She frowned, her nose crinkling with thought. “You have to do what you have to do, but this,” she motioned her hand at me, “isn’t the reaction of someone who can just move on easily. You…you love him.”

“I do,” I agreed, my lip trembling. “I love him so much.” I’d never said the words out loud, but it felt good now that I had. But Rowan wasn’t the one who should’ve heard them. Those words belonged to Jude.

“Then tell him that. Move past this. Don’t let this bitch win. Go get your man back, Tate.”

I shook my head and swiped tears from beneath my eyes. “I can’t. Not yet.” My body trembled with shaky breaths. “I…I need a few days.” I couldn’t forgive and forget so easily. Not while I still felt so hurt—the pain still raw and festering.

“What for?” She asked, tilting her head to the side.

“I don’t know…to make sure I really forgive him, I guess. I can’t expect him to take me back or for us to ever work if I can’t let go of this anger,” I sighed. “I don’t want to think about that kiss every time I look at him. I have to get past it first.”

“I think you’re being stupid,” Rowan spat, her eyes growing angry. “He loves you, you love him. It’s as simple as that. Now, you’re just coming up with excuses to talk yourself out of being with him because love is scary.” She stood up, glaring down at me. I looked away, towards the wall. My shoulders shook with barely contained sobs. “I’ve got news for you, Tatum. Life is scary.”

With her words hanging in the air she stomped out of the room and out the door, letting it slam closed behind her.

My cries were all that could be heard in the silent house.

TEN DAYS.

Ten days without Jude.

Ten days of being miserable.

Ten days of moping around the house, only leaving to go to work.

Ten days of complete and utter insanity.

I was pretty sure at this point I was going crazy, if I hadn’t already.

I’d thought of going to him so many times and apologizing, but my stubbornness wouldn’t let me.

I had spent hours hoping he’d come see me. 

He didn’t.

That scared me like nothing else could.

Between not seeing him, and Rowan’s disappearance—I hadn’t seen her either since the day she walked out—I had myself convinced that Jude had moved on with Brooke. It was easier to believe he stayed away because he’d found something in her that he didn’t have with me, than to accept responsibility for what happened—that I pushed him away. 

“What did that pen ever do to you?”

I jumped at the sound of Bryce’s voice. “Sorry,” I put the pen down, the top chewed on. “I didn’t realize I was doing it.”

He stared at the crumpled top of the pen. “Well keep it now. No one wants your germs,” he joked, hoping up on the counter. 

It was closing time and I should’ve been helping him wipe down the tables and clean the floors, but I was too lost in my thoughts.

“What’s going on with you?” He asked. “You haven’t been okay for a week now.”

I sighed. “It’s nothing.”

“Boy troubles,” he spoke over me. “It’s definitely boy troubles. I can tell from the look in your eyes.” He reached out and lifted my chin. “The guy’s an idiot to leave you.”

I pulled out of his grasp and his hand fell to his lap. “There…there was a misunderstanding, and I made things worse,” I admitted. It was the first time I’d accepted some of the responsibility. 

“Talk to me,” Bryce said as he hopped off the counter. He grabbed two rags and tossed one to me. I managed to catch it. “You clean those tables,” he pointed, “and I’ll take the ones over here.”

I did as he told me, but didn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say.

“Come on, you can tell me whatever is. I might be able to impart some wisdom, or not,” he chuckled.

I shrugged, wiping the table in circular motions. At the rate I was going, I was about to rub a hole into the surface. I let out a pent up breath and told Bryce everything, from how I found Jude and Brooke, to how depressed I’d been the past ten days. 

When I was done, I pulled out one of the chairs and put my head in my hands. “I’ve ruined everything.”

The legs of the other chair squeaked against the tile floors as Bryce pulled it out and sat down. “You haven’t ruined everything,” he said softly, his voice oddly serious. “Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s what you do after that matters.”

“What do you mean?” I looked up at him, sniffling.

He shrugged. “I just mean, when you make a mistake you either have to own it, or suffer because of it. Apologize to him. If he really loves you he’ll understand. Everyone makes mistakes and you both did in this situation. He shouldn’t have let whatever-her-name-is into his room, and you shouldn’t have pushed him away. Tell him you’re sorry.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I admitted.

“Apologizing isn’t a weakness,” Bryce stood, throwing the damp rag over his shoulder, “it’s a strength.”

Whistling, he headed to the back to clean up there while I finished out front.

I kept replaying his words over that evening and on the drive home.

I was surprised to see Rowan’s car parked in the driveway when I arrived home.

I got out of the car and found her sitting on the top step of the porch. Her elbows rested on her knees with her head in her hands.

I approached hesitantly, like she was a rabid animal that might bite me at a moments notice. After our last conversation I had no idea where we stood.

“Hi.” My voice was soft as I approached.

She looked up at me and let out a sigh. “Can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” I nodded. I sat down on the step beside her, instead of inviting her inside. I figured if things got bad I had a better chance of running away if we were outdoors.

“I’m sorry for the things I said.” She turned to look at me, and tears shown in her eyes. “I shouldn’t have been such a bitch to you. You were hurting and I wasn’t respectful of that.”

I shook my head. “You were telling the truth. I was being stupid.” I let out a pent up breath.

“How have you been?” She asked.

“Miserable.” I answered without any hesitation. 

“He’s—”

“I don’t want to know about him,” I stopped her.

“But—”

“No,” I said sternly. “I don’t want to know.”

Rowan sighed and reached for me, putting her arm around me and coaxing my head onto her shoulder. “I hate seeing you like this.”

I lifted my shoulders in a small shrug. “It is what is.”

“You’re not going to fix this, are you?” She whispered into the night air.

I stared out at the yard where lightning bugs glowed. “I still need more time. I need the hurt to go away.” It was basically the same thing I’d told her the last time she was here. 

“It’s not going to stop hurting until you get your man back, Tate,” she stated.

I scrubbed a hand over my tired face. “He hasn’t tried to see me.”

Rowan sighed heavily. “He thinks you hate him.”

I pulled away from her, not even bothering to scold her for giving me information on him. “I could never hate him. I tried, but I can’t.”

I started to cry, for the thousandth time it seemed, and Rowan stood up and helped me to stand as well. She led me to the front door and I pulled out my key to let us inside. 

Rowan didn’t say anything as she led me to the family room and disappeared into the kitchen. When she returned she held out a gallon of ice cream with two spoons stuck in the top. “Ice cream makes everything better, right?”

“Right,” I replied.

But then before I could take a bite I started to cry harder, because now ice cream only made me think of Jude. 

Jude.

Jude.

Jude.

He was every-fucking-where. 

He’d invaded every aspect of my life without me even realizing that he had.

Rowan ignored my tears. I guessed she’d decided to let me cry it out.

After a few minutes where the only sound in the room was my hiccupping sobs, she said, “Trent’s family is throwing a Memorial Day barbeque. I want you to come.”

Composing myself, I choked, “Is h-he going to be there?” I knew she’d know which he I meant. After all, there could only be one I was referring to. 

Rowan shrugged. “He’s invited, but I don’t know if he’ll come or not.”

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s better than no.” She smiled and set the ice cream aside when it was obvious that even its sugary goodness couldn’t tempt me. “Let’s go out.”

“I don’t want to,” I frowned, my shoulders sagging with a sigh.

“Just for dinner,” she pleaded. “You need to get out and you have to eat. It’s a win-win.”

I couldn’t very well argue with that. Besides, I need to push past my sadness over the situation with Jude and find that strong girl I used to be once more. 

With startling clarity I realized that Jude didn’t take away my strength. He gave it to me. He lifted me up, and didn’t drag me down. He pushed me to be better.

I began to toy with my bottom lip as my thoughts began to show me what I’d been too blinded by hurt and stubborn proudness to see.

Jude made me better.

He didn’t change me, he just helped me improve upon the person I was. 

I’d been too mad to see that and grasping at reasons to stay mad at him.

God, I’d been so stupid.

I stood hastily and my hand flew to my mouth. I thought I might be sick.

“Tatum—” Rowan started.

I lowered my hand and took a deep, steadying breath. “You were right,” I gasped, “I’ve been so stupid. I…I…I was so hurt over seeing him with Brooke, and pissed over my own reaction. I hated that I cared so much, but I can see now that if I hadn’t got upset that would’ve been more disconcerting.” I shook my head, my hair falling forward to frame my face. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” I lifted my head to look at her. “Why do I do this to myself? Why do I push everyone away?”

Rowan wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. “You’re so much like me,” she whispered in my ear. “I did the same thing with Trenton. Over and over again I pushed him away because I was scared to love him.” She stepped back but rested her hands on my shoulders. “But being without him was the worst kind of pain I’ve ever felt.”

“I-I need to go to him,” I stuttered, looking around for my purse and car keys. I couldn’t remember where I’d laid them when we came inside.

Rowan reached out and grabbed my arm, halting my frantic search. “It’s late, Tate. Wait till morning.”

My face fell. “Has he moved on?”

“God, Tatum,” she rolled her eyes, “don’t be ridiculous.”

“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me,” I frowned.

“I promise there’s not, it’s just late and…” She started.

“What?” I prompted when she didn’t continue.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “it just seems like you should do something nice to apologize. He’s really torn up.”

“He’s torn up?” I snapped. “What about me?” I pointed to my chest. “What about what I feel? Huh? The past ten days have been hell for me.”