Tortured Soul (20 page)

“Em?” My voice was low and gentle. When she didn’t respond, I decided to be a little sterner. I was struggling to control my temper, so it wasn’t difficult to find my familiar commanding tone. “Em!” Her shoulders flinched, but she didn’t respond otherwise. With a heavy sigh, I reached for her face and forcibly drew her gaze to mine. “Tell me what’s going on.” It took all the control I possessed to gentle my voice, but the command was still there. Her eyes watched mine cautiously for the longest time and I never looked away. I wasn’t leaving until I fixed this, whatever
this
was. Likely sensing my determination, her shoulders slumped forward and her gazed lowered.

“It’s nothing,” she whispered.

Clearly this was a whole lot more than nothing and her reluctance to talk to me only pissed me off more.

“Em, do I need to remind you of the importance of honesty and trust?”

Her eyes darted to mine, defiance and anger burned behind them. “Don’t speak to me like I’m a child,” she snapped.

I forced myself not to smile. I liked this attitude, this strength. I liked it a whole lot better than her misery. “Then try talking to me like an adult. You’re sitting in the corner of your room with your head against the wall. Clearly your idea of nothing is far different from mine.”

She bit her bottom lip and eyed me with caution. “I didn’t want to see you this morning,” she admitted.

My stomach sank as I realized this was about last night. “Why?” I tried to keep my voice neutral, but in the end I still growled at her, just with less gruffness than usual.

“I was ashamed.”

Her revelation wasn’t what I expected to hear. “Ashamed of what exactly, Malen’kaya?” I asked. I knew she was nervous about answering me; her eyes darted anxiously around the room, looking for a way to escape the moment of truth.

“I needed you to hold me down before I could reach orgasm,” she finally breathed. Her eyes fluttered shut as if trying to block out the memory.

A long breath of air escaped my own lips. She was worried about her slip into submissiveness, which at the time had sent me completely and utterly crazy with desire. This I could deal with. Her regretting my touch? I don’t think I could’ve handled that. Knowing very well this was an important issue for her, I refrained from beating my chest and grinning like an ass. My hand slipped from her face, down her shoulder and arm until finally resting on her hand. I gave it a tug and she came to me willingly as I pulled her onto my lap and sat with my back to the wall. Her tears were quiet, but I knew they were there.

“Em, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Even with all that strength inside you, you are a naturally submissive woman. I have no doubt that if you hadn’t been taken by Jonas at such a young age and conditioned to this lifestyle, you would have slipped into it beautifully.” She pulled away, the hurt in her eyes palpable. “Not as a slave,” I quickly corrected myself. “Not like that, Em. But sexually you enjoy letting a man take control, you enjoy the domination, and that would have been there with or without Jonas’ interference.” She looked doubtful as she watched me. “I’m good at reading people, Em. You are a beautiful, strong-willed woman who just wants a man who can give you what you need. Obeying a dominant man, allowing him to take charge is not a weakness. In fact, it takes incredible strength to allow someone in like that. For a man to experience a strong woman like you, become so exquisitely submissive, by her own choice mind you, is more appealing than you can possibly understand.” A small sniffle reminded me that regardless of this woman’s inner strength, she was walking a tight-rope of emotions right now and could tumble any moment. “You should never feel ashamed of the things you want, Em. Don’t let Jonas carve away your heart now that you’re free of him. Anything you do now, whether it be an act of submission or otherwise, is your choice.”

She looked so frightened when she glanced up at me again. “What if I can’t be what you want? What you need?”

I smiled as I cupped her cheek. “Did it occur to you that I could be what you want and what you need?”

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” she whispered.

I pressed my lips hard to her forehead and held her there for the longest time. How could she possibly think she could disappoint me? I had to remind myself that the men in her life thus far had treated her worse than an animal. She had never been shown love. She’d only been frequently reminded of her failures and faults.

“It is just not possible for you to disappoint me, Em. I want to give you whatever you need, and if you’re not sure what that is, then I’m prepared to give you time to figure it out.”

Her entire body seemed to collapse into my embrace, all her tension gone. Her arms wrapped around my neck and held me so tight I was afraid she might hurt herself.

“Have you been hiding in here all morning worrying about this?” I asked. She nodded against my chest. “No more, Em. If something is bothering you, I want you to come to me. If you don’t want to come to me, go to someone else. Rebecca, Larz, even Gabbie. Bottling it up until you are incoherent in the corner of the room isn’t good for you.” She tried to pull away again under my terse command. “Hey,” I chastised gently, not letting her go, “I’m not angry with you, and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m just worried about you, and after last night I was worried I might have hurt you.”

Emily shook her head. “You didn’t hurt me. You didn’t leave a mark on my skin.”

“Not physically,” I corrected her.

“You didn’t hurt me,” she said with a small growl.

I grinned at the slight show of defiance. “So, did anything about last night upset you or bother you?” I pushed. I needed to know my limits. Even though I knew she found pleasure in our sexual encounter, I needed to hear from her lips that it was acceptable.

“No,” she admitted and after a short pause, “I liked it, being dominated.”

I nodded in agreement. I knew she enjoyed that. “Did you feel frightened at any time?”

“No, you probably even could have...” she trailed off, her eyes wandering to the windows.

“Could have what, Em?” I pressed.

“You could have done more,” she murmured.

I wasn’t sure what ‘more’ entailed, but it intrigued me immensely. “More how?” She fidgeted in my lap, and I tried desperately to control the twitch in my dick as her beautiful ass pressed against me.

“Harder and faster, I guess. The way you restrained my hands was okay. I trusted you to let go if I asked. But at the same time I wanted more.” She shrugged.

Well, so much for containing my hard-on.
“So, light restraints are a possibility. Harder, faster...” I loved that she blushed. She didn’t seem to have any aversion to nudity, and I had no doubt her sexual encounters were vast and many, but her awkwardness at our private conversation was endearing. “I can work with that. One day at a time, Em. We’ll figure all this out together. There are no safe words; you have only to say no and we stop. But you have to promise to communicate with me. We need to talk like this if we want to figure out where we go from here.” She nodded in agreement.

Feeling the need to give her a reprieve, I slid her from my lap and stood. She took my outstretched hand easily. “Come on, you’ve been cooped up in here all day, let me feed you.” She followed me out of the room. “I might even be able to scrounge up some chocolate.” Her eyes lit up at that and my heart did a little flip. It was a sensation I was not used to feeling. Desire and lust were common denominators in my previous relationships, the need to see my woman flush with pleasure was always first and foremost. The satisfaction at seeing my woman smile over chocolate was just down right crazy, but right now I would have bought shares in Hershey’s if I knew it would bring Em happiness.

EMILY

The next couple of days passed quickly. My awkwardness and shame waking the morning after being with Braiden hadn’t totally disappeared, but I wasn’t shuddering in a corner like a complete nut job. We hadn’t been together like that again since, but Braiden was constantly around, close enough I could reach out and touch him as I pleased. And after a day or two of fearing it, I did. I shouldn’t have found something as simple as touching someone so difficult. After Braiden had first brought me home, it had been incredibly difficult, but for different reasons. No longer did I fear tainting others with my sin. Now, I wasn’t sure where my boundaries were when it came to Braiden. He wasn’t my master, but he was more than just a friend. I wanted to be able to touch him when I wanted. It was something I’d been forbidden to do in the past, unless specifically asked to. Braiden had clearly noticed my internal dilemma about touching him and assured me he wanted my touch, it made him happy. When I still hesitated, he took charge of the situation; holding my hand or running his fingers down my arm or simply brushing my hair behind my ear. The last two nights I slept in Braiden’s bed. I tucked into his body feeling safe and secure. Even though a big part of me wanted more than that safe embrace, I realized if I wasn’t able to ask for it, I wasn’t ready for it. Braiden didn’t push either and I found myself wanting him to, needing him to. I needed him to force me to be brave. I also knew Braiden shouldn’t have to push me into intimacy. It needed to come naturally, and more importantly, it needed to be my choice completely.

It was Thanksgiving today and we were invited to have dinner at Rebecca and Charlie’s. Everyone had been invited, and I cringed at the thought of the social gathering. Small talk was not my forte. Talk of any kind was not really my forte. I was becoming more comfortable around people, especially Braiden. Larz was the easiest to be around, most likely because of the vast amount of time we spent together over the last six months. I shouldn’t have been nervous about being around Rebecca’s friends—they were all incredibly welcoming and nice. None of them pushed me for more than I could give, and they all seemed more than comfortable with my presence, whether I spent it sitting quietly in the corner or tried to clumsily participate in their conversations. I still couldn’t help the nerves that racked me as I stood in front of the large door to Rebecca’s house with a plate of Gabbie’s famous polenta in my arms. Gabbie and Bomber were talking business with Parker, who stood in the shadows of the front porch. Braiden took my free hand and gently squeezed it as the front door burst open. Rebecca beamed at me in all her pin-up style glory. As usual, her hair was in an intricate and complex style on top of her head, and her makeup was soft and pale, except for the bright red lipstick. She wore a vibrant blue dress that clung to her breasts and waist before it flared into a full skirt held up with layers of tulle. She was wearing a beautiful pair of matching blue heels that completed the ensemble. She looked stunning and made my simple black dress and heels pale in comparison.

“Em, you look beautiful,” she whispered in awe. Her expression was so open I knew she honestly thought it.

I glanced down at my dress and back to hers. “B, have you been drinking?” I softly chastised. “Look at you, you’re so gorgeous and bright. I look like a dark room compared to you.”

Rebecca scoffed as Charlie reached around and took the plate of food from my arms. “Hey there, pretty girl.” He winked at me.

Ordinarily, a display of affection like that would have unnerved me. But the way Charlie kissed my sister’s shoulder with unbridled affection, I knew it wasn’t meant to be tasteless. He was simply being himself and treating me like the little sister I was.

“Mr. Grey, looking dapper tonight,” he greeted Braiden.

I had no idea who Mr. Grey was or why he called Braiden that, but Braiden obviously knew what he meant and raised a brow in amusement. “Charlie, it’s good to know you’re still reading women’s erotica. It’ll make my Christmas shopping much easier this year.”

Charlie laughed as we strolled into the house. It was already bustling with people.

“Oh, Em, your shoes are so pretty,” gushed Ella, who stood by her monster of a man, Jax. She was eyeing my shoes with undisguised longing.

“Ummm, thanks,” I murmured. “You can borrow them if you want,” I offered.

She shook her head and sighed. “No, heels and I are not a match made in heaven. I shit you not. I walk like a stalk with broken legs when I wear them.”

Rebecca snickered. “You just need to practice walking around in them. Your problem is your unhealthy attachment to those nasty damn sneakers.”

Jax’s eyes sparkled with amusement. “Oh, she has practiced. In fact, a few months ago she walked around the house wearing nothing but the sexiest damn pair of heels I’ve ever seen.”

Ella snorted. “How the hell would you know what they looked like? Your eyes barely got lower than my waist.”

I glanced to Mercy who stood beside David.

She shook her head. “Let’s try and keep this PG rated tonight, kids,” she reprimanded. She gave me a genuine smile as she leaned forward and kissed my cheek. David gave me a warm smile before pressing a chaste kiss to Mercy’s forehead. Their affection for each other seemed so pure and easy, I found myself a little jealous over it. I pulled my gaze away from the loving couple, taking in the crowded living room. Jax, Dillon, Charlie and Larz sat around the TV, watching the pre-game show. Their voices were excited as they discussed the football game that would soon follow. I found Eli sitting in the corner, his concentration devoted to a hand held game in his lap. The women were in the kitchen, the men in the living room, and I wasn’t sure where I fit in. Obviously it should have been with the women. Rebecca’s glance my way every now and again, in an effort to include, me confirmed that. But I found myself shuffling nervously between the two rooms. Braiden gave the back of my hand a kiss before joining the men, leaving me to figure out my place on my own. Going against the grain, I sat down beside Eli. He nudged me with his shoulder and handed me the small console he’d been focused on. He quickly explained the technicalities of his golf game, and I had it down in no time.

“You know, you’re kind of a freak,” Eli mumbled. I raised a brow. “Girl’s aren’t supposed to be good at gaming,”

My lips twitched with the need to smile. “Really? What are girls meant to be good at then?”

He shrugged. “Shopping?”

“Well, I don’t like crowds.” Eli fidgeted and I knew he was itching to have his game back in his hands.

“What if there were rollercoasters and bumper cars?” he asked. His question was a little out of left field.

“Ummm, I guess that would make suffering the crowds a little more bearable. Why?”

“In a couple of months, the spring fair will be here, and I want to go there for my birthday. Do you want to come?”

The spring fair would be more crowded than the mall, but the hopeful look in Eli’s eyes made me suck up my foolish fear and press my shoulders back. “I’d love to, as long as you go on a rollercoaster with me.”

Eli’s smile was blinding and contagious. I couldn’t help but return it. When I glanced up, I noticed a few surprised glances my way, but thankfully they were gone quickly as everyone went back to their conversations. Soon enough, most of us were sitting around the table or at the breakfast bar. It was a cozy scene and a little rowdy, but I was strangely comfortable surrounded by these people. I felt safe and even if they didn’t understand my hesitancy with touch or my apprehension at being around them, they never pointed it out or made me feel unwelcome.

“Alright, I’m starving, so let’s do this quick. Mercy you go first,” said Rebecca.

Confused by what was taking place, I watched as Mercy sat up a little straighter and smiled us.

“Okay, I’m thankful that all my family, and yes, you are all family, are here safe and sound. I’m so very proud of you all and love each and every one of you.”

Mercy looked a little teary as David cleared his throat beside her. “I’m thankful we have so many at the table this year. It really does feel like a family. I’m also thankful for all the help each of you give at the shelter. You do it without complaint, whenever asked, so thank you.”

There were nods of agreement from everyone around the table.

“I’m thankful for Annie’s coffee. Rebecca would be a raging bitch without it,” added Lola with a grin on her face, letting us know she was just joking, mostly. Ella laughed loudly as Rebecca slapped her playfully on the back of the head.

“I’m thankful for my healthy, handsome son.” Annie beamed at Eli. “And I’m thankful you are all here to help us. It means so much to me.”

“I’m thankful for my Gameboy.” Eli grinned. A surprising and silent reprimand from Dillon made Eli scowl. “And I’m thankful for my mom because she’s the best.” Eli leaned over and gave Annie a quick kiss on the cheek, and I swear, all the women at the table sighed.

“I’m thankful to be surrounded by good friends and family, and that everyone is safe and sound. And I’m also thankful that I didn’t get shot this year,” Dillon said, giving Ella a wink.

“Well, I’m thankful Dillon didn’t get shot again this year, too,” Ella said with a smile. “And I’m very thankful my man impregnated me.”

Jax’s grin couldn’t get any bigger. “I’m very, very thankful you let me impregnate you.”

Mercy slapped him on the shoulder but he didn’t seem to notice as he stared lovingly into Ella’s eyes.

“What’s impregnate mean?” asked Eli from beside me.

I almost spurted the mouthful of water I had just taken across the table, and Annie shook her head.

Braiden leaned toward Eli. “It means they are thankful they are going to have a baby.” Eli nodded, obviously happy with that answer.

“I’m thankful you girls are safe,” Braiden cast an eye around the women sitting at the table, his gazing settling on me last. Realizing the room had gone silent, and it was my turn, I suddenly felt a little panicked. I should have been thinking about what to say rather than taking such an interest in what everyone else was saying.

“Ummm, I’m thankful I’m not sitting at a Jonas Levier’s feet this Thanksgiving.”

If this had been a movie, this is where they would insert the sound of crickets chirping.

“I’m thankful my sister isn’t sitting at that asshole’s feet, too,” said Rebecca, breaking the silence. “And I’m thankful for Braiden and Dillon and their team for bringing her home to me. And I’m thankful to Charlie for being...well...everything.” Her first tear fell.

“I win!” exclaimed Jax, looking at his watch. “She started crying in under twenty seconds.”

“You ass! I can’t believe you made a bet on that,” yelled Rebecca as Charlie wiped away her tears. Her smile told me she wasn’t angry though. Her sheepish expression confirmed maybe she had expected the bet.

“I’m thankful...” Charlie leaned in and whispered something in Rebecca’s ear. Whatever he said it made her cheeks deepen to a red that rivaled the red Christmas themed table cloth before us.

“Can we eat now?” groaned Eli.

And just like that, Thanksgiving dinner began.

***

Once we were back at Braiden’s, I showered and dressed in a comfy pair of pajamas. I thought about the evening. It hadn’t been as bad as I assumed it would be. Everyone had laughed and joked around me while I watched in silence. They all seemed at ease with my presence, which in turn made me feel at ease. What surprised me was Braiden’s quiet intensity. While he and I talked at length in private, in a social scene Braiden was more like me than I realized. He seemed content to sit back and just watch the conversations going on around him, talking politely and with ease when he had to. Nobody seemed to notice his quiet demeanor, and if they did, they didn’t say anything about it. While Jax and Charlie’s booming voices were heard over everyone else’s, Braiden’s occasional quiet input seemed to demand a respect that was undoubtedly given by the other men. Where Jonas’ word was law and no one would speak over him or against him, Braiden’s word seemed to be valued by the men, but they also had no problem disagreeing or disputing his ideas. Where Jonas would have such brazen disagreement of his word punished, Braiden simply grinned and shook his head. His calm manner made my heart pound with appreciation. During the entire evening, he had cast glances at me that were filled with longing and hunger. His devious grin told me his thoughts were anything but thankful. Now, as I paced restlessly around my room, my body thrummed with need. With a long deep breath, I decided to make a choice. A frightening choice, but it was my own choice.

I found Braiden in his office. He looked a little shocked when I closed the door behind me and flicked the lock. I turned to face him. My hands shook and my heart pounded with anticipation. He leaned back in his chair and watched me with those predatory eyes.

“Malen’kaya,” he said in a voice that made my skin tingle.

I moved toward him quickly, using the confidence created by my own aching need. Braiden pushed his chair away from his desk as I slid in front of him. His hair hung just over his eyes and I pushed it away so I could see that penetrating gaze that made my body heat.

“I want you,” I whispered.

I saw the question in his eyes. To answer, I slowly pulled the cotton pajamas off until I was completely naked and bared to him, scars and all. Knowing he did not favor a woman on her knees, I seated myself on his desk, placed my hands behind my back, and slightly parted my thighs. The offer was one of complete submission. I was open to him for his pleasure. The surge of lust in his eyes caused my nipples to harden.