Tony Hogan Bought Me an Ice-Cream Float Before He Stole My Ma (10 page)

‘Ma, is this where Da is? Will he no' babysit me now?'

The sky was indigo and birds fell across it like scraps of black paper. The white houses curved over our heads.

‘Yeh think I'm trash, do yeh? Well, it's on yer doorstep. We'll stay here all fuckin' night.'

Ma unzipped a side of the suitcase, rummaged underneath me and found the tartan blanket to put around my shoulders.

‘Ma, if Da's not here can we not just go home?'

In the distance someone gave a short, sharp scream.

‘No, it's not that simple.' She tilted her head back. ‘WE'LL STAY HERE ALL NIGHT IF WE HAVE TAE.'

‘I don't want tae sleep here, Ma.'

She had her head down and knocked her knuckles together; I could hear her breathing.

‘Ma?' I hated the weakling in my voice, I wanted to be brave and grown up, but my throat swelled with the tears to come.

Ma's head fell in a heavy movement from the base of her neck down and her hands drooped as though she'd had the batteries taken out. I tried to stop my sniffs and shudders.

‘No, Janie.' She stroked my fringe. ‘No, we won't sleep here. Are yeh hungry? I'll find us somewhere tae stay an' then we can find yer da in the mornin', OK?'

I threw my body against hers and gave her bones and skin a hard hug. Her arms were limp around mine and I wondered how badly she had wanted my da to look after me. I didn't want to stay with that witch, like in
Cinderella
, but I did want to be braver.

‘We can come tomorrow, Ma, and speak tae the lady when it's no night-time an' then maybe –'

I never finished because there was a click and pale light from the door flooded us then a cold, calm American voice said, ‘Well, are you coming in or waking the whole neighbourhood?'

*

Jennifer had eyes with almost no colour and hair that was probably brown but that didn't seem like a colour on her either. She was as skinny as Ma but her body was straight up and down, a right knitting needle Grandma would've said. Her face was as blank as her appearance except for the slight twitch her lips made when I walked in. I thought it was because she could smell the sick on me.

Ma tugged the suitcase through the door and I held my breath for the dirty mark along the cream carpet. The hallway had a heavy wooden cabinet in it and dark red walls. The air was so empty it made me want to shrink words in my mouth before letting them go.

Jennifer and Ma stood facing each other. Though Ma's head only came to the tip of Jennifer's nose she seemed to win because Jennifer looked away first.

‘Stay here tonight.' She looked at Ma and then down at me and said in a softer voice, ‘But I'm genuine when I say I haven't the faintest idea.'

Ma pursed her lips and nodded. ‘Listen, I know this is a bit out of the blue.' She stuffed her hands into her jeans pockets and pulled them out again. ‘But, well, as yeh can probably see we havnae a lot of choices.'

Jennifer looked away. ‘I'll show you the guest room and get some linen. It's en suite, you'll be comfortable.'

Jennifer carefully took my lunch box from me and led the way to a room that was as soft, warm and boring as porridge. Ma took one look at all the cream and white and said, ‘Janie, everything off and into the bath.'

Ma started the water running and went off to another room with Jennifer. The bathroom was all white and blue without any sticky shampoo spills or toothpaste-spit splashes on the mirror. I took off all my clothes and sat on the edge of the bath, afraid to put my feet on the floor.

‘Knock, knock?'

Jennifer came in and I crossed my arms over my chest. She gave a little smile and held out a little purple bottle. My arms stayed crossed against me but she didn't seem so bad so I gave her a very little smile, the one where I don't show any of my teeth. She poured a long thin purple line of the liquid into the bath, stopped when the bottle was half empty, looked at me and squeezed the last in.

‘Let's make it a really big bubble bath.'

She stayed until the bubbles threatened to spill over the edge and then swirled her hand around the water and motioned for me to get in. I plunged into the mattress of popping bubbles and sank through the softness into the scorching water below. I gave a little gasp and then saw her anxious face and turned it into a grin.

‘So do yeh know when my da will be home?'

She turned, looked at the floor and then at me. ‘I'm pretty sure not tonight, Janie. Your mom's just fixing you some supper and then you can have some rest. I'm sure your mommy will explain to you if you ask her.'

She seemed to be trying so hard that I didn't ask any more questions or turn on the cold tap until she'd left the room and my body below the bubbles was a stinging pink.

I didn't see Jennifer again that night and Ma only came and got me into my pyjamas, spread the tartan blanket on the floor and begged me not to get crumbs on the carpet.

‘Why do I hav'tae eat on the floor though?'

‘Cause it's a bedroom picnic of course. Did I not tell yeh that's all the rage down here?'

‘Is Da coming home tomorrow?'

‘Eat yer tea, Janie. I've adult things tae talk about with Jennifer.'

She left me happily munching my marmalade soldier picnic, whispering away to a fat, grey cat who snuck in with my supper. I named the cat Rainbow and asked if he knew my da before brushing the crumbs off me and getting into the soft bed where I fell asleep to the subdued voices in the next room and the heavy purr of Rainbow on my chest.

*

Words and timid smiles scattered over the wide wooden table the next morning. Standing at the wide cooker Ma looked almost normal and Jennifer, across from me, seemed more solid as the sunshine hit her shoulders and lit up her eyes.

Below the ping-pong of their morning chatter I spread raspberry jam on my toast, trying to get a perfect layer right to the edges of the crusts. Every time I'd almost done it my hand would give a jerk or a clumsy push of the knife and I'd have to scrape the jam to one side and start again. I had my tongue stuck out trying to do a particularly difficult corner, where the toast had a bump, when I saw Jennifer watching me with the whisper of a smile on her lips. ‘It'll still taste the same, honey.'

She was smiling but I felt caught out, and though I knew different, it certainly would not taste the same, I took a wide bite anyway but I put her straight in a spray of crumbs. ‘It's jam actually.'

Ma came over with a steaming pot and dished soft yellow scrambled eggs onto Jennifer's plate then her own.

‘There yeh go, Jen, try these.' She sat down and took a forkful of the eggs, ‘Proper Scottish eggs the way my ma taught me tae make them.'

I looked from Ma to Jennifer, twisting my sticky-jam clown mouth. Jen? Grandma taught her to make them that way? Not for the first time I wondered what grown-ups did while I slept.

‘Oh my gosh, Iris, these are sublime, seriously.' Jennifer raised her bony fingers to her lips and wiped them. ‘How much butter do they have in them?'

Ma wagged her fork, shrugged and carried on eating with a smile on her face. Jennifer stared down as though it were a plate of drain cleaner and then took a breath and started eating again, making little moans with each forkful. ‘Extra callisthenics for me today then.'

I looked at both of them above the rim of my orange juice and thought I should just stay quiet; even if Da didn't show up for a bit, there were bubble baths, and Rainbow the cat and Ma was laughing. Maybe we would stay.

After I gulped down my third glass of orange juice and gave a forceful acidic burp Ma rolled her eyes and told me I should go and watch some telly. I lay on my stomach in what Jen called ‘the den' that the kitchen opened into and flicked the channels until I found
Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds
.

It was my favourite because the pretty girl dog who Dogtanian loves was blonde, like me, and because I knew all the words to the song, ‘One for all and all for one . . .' I'd missed the start but still thought that this could be the best morning ever. In the background bits of their conversation sprinkled in my ears.

‘If he could look after . . . just for a while . . . I could get myself sorted.'

‘Sure but . . . abandoned little boy . . . you know?'

I tried to remember if I'd seen this one, where Dogtanian was going to meet Juliet, the pretty blonde dog, but she'd been kidnapped. I wished they'd stop talking.

‘No . . . went a bit nuts . . . just temporary . . . I probably wouldn't have really.'

‘Better off without him.'

Something shifted behind me, like there was a lot being said without any words. It was distracting.

Juliet was using a mirror to send a message from the cottage where she was trapped while Dogtanian was fighting now. More natter drifted over. What was Juliet's message though?

I sighed and turned my head. ‘Maybe the telly should be somewhere nice and quiet, Jennifer?'

There was a shared laugh as I pressed the little liquorice bump that jumped the green volume notches higher.

‘Still married . . . even if I wanted one I probably couldn't find him . . . turns up every few months . . . cash sometimes jewellery . . . I hide it now.'

I gave another heavy sigh.

‘Janie – sorry, Jen, one minute – turn that down we can't hear ourselves think.'

‘At least now you know.'

‘Aye, we just need a new plan an' – sorry – Janie, I won't say it again, turn that down.'

‘It's OK, Iris, little pitchers, big ears.'

‘Especially that wee pitcher, I'll tell yeh. We've got tae go anyway.'

Ma came over and switched the TV off before I could even complain that I'd never know what happened to Juliet.

At the doorstep I decided to ignore Ma and Jennifer, since they were best pals now, and spend my time on the carpet between them pushing my fingers into the purring fur on Rainbow's belly.

‘You know you're welcome for –' Jennifer looked away – ‘well, a few more nights at the very least.'

‘Aye, cheers an' all that, but we've tae get ourselves sorted. We'll be fine.'

‘Are we off tae see Da now then?' I looked at Jennifer. ‘We'll take my da's address and telephone now like Ma said.'

‘Sweetie, I don't know where your daddy is. Truly, I wish I could tell you both.'

I stood and stared at her skinny body and puny half-smile and fidgety hands. I ignored Rainbow curling around my legs.

‘How do you even know my da then?'

She placed her right hand over her left and shot Ma a look. I was sick of adults' looks. ‘I . . . we were very good friends for a long time. That's why your mommy thought I might know.'

I stared at her and a black feeling started seeping into me like smoke filling a room.

‘Well, you're stupid then, an' a liar. How can yeh be Da's friend and not know where he lives? Stupid!'

I threw myself down on the carpet and took Rainbow in both my arms, pulling his fur close to my burning face.

‘Janie! I'm so sorry, Jen.' Ma lowered her voice. ‘This whole thing's a mess.'

‘No, I understand. I really wish I could do more to help. But, Janie?'

I closed my eyes and squeezed Rainbow tighter.

‘Janie, enough!' Ma yanked me up by the arm and I stared at stupid Jennifer and gave her my worst face, the one where I made my eyes really small.

‘Janie?' Jennifer was still smiling, maybe even more than before. ‘Your daddy really loves you, you know? You look so alike and he'll be sorry he wasn't around but he'll have wanted you to have this.'

In her hand was a fold of material and when she opened her fingers a red silk scarf, with golden tassels, spilled to the floor. Rainbow slunk over and lifted a lazy paw towards it.

‘This was from my da? Fer me?'

‘Yup, your daddy's quite the snappy dresser.'

Ma seemed to be holding a giggle behind her fist as I took the scarf and wound it round my neck three times, a silken neck brace. Jennifer beamed at me and I thought maybe she wasn't stupid, she did have a nice cat, raspberry jam and Ma liked her. I leaned forward and gave her a limp cuddle around her hips.

‘Ta.'

‘Aye, thank you, Jen, and . . .' Ma picked at a thread on the hem of her T-shirt, ‘I really am sorry, yeh know –'

Jennifer put her hand on Ma's arm. ‘No apologies. You're sure you won't stay another day?'

‘We've tae get ourselves sorted.'

After I gave Rainbow a yelp-inducing hug, me and Ma stepped into the morning sunshine with a suitcase, lunch box, umbrella, glowless Glow Worm and a scarf from my da with tassels that danced in the wind.

‘Ma?'

‘Aye?'

She was walking wonky because of the case; she wasn't as smiley now her pal Jen wasn't around.

‘I'd like to see my da one day.'

She frowned, hoiked the suitcase a bit, the veins popped up in her arm.

‘Yeh will one day, he'll visit us. Now shush, I'm thinking.'

She missed her pal. I wondered how I could make her better. ‘Aye, Da will visit but you'll be here forever an' ever, won't yeh, Ma?'

She lowered the suitcase, flexed her hand and kissed the parting in my hair. It was a quick kiss but a nice one even if she looked a bit sad. ‘Yer right enough, I'll be here forever. Now, let's get going.'

Ma said it was an adventure but it just took us back to Victoria Coach Station and on the bus there Ma pointed out Buckingham Palace.

‘Maybe next time we'll drop in fer tea,' she said.

I eyeballed the barbed wire around the wall. ‘We can't do that, can we?'

‘Aye, it's her duty.' Ma's face was serious. ‘Any British citizen can come fer tea. Not uninvited, mind, yeh have tae let her know so she can get some good biscuits in and cut the crusts off the sarnies.'

‘Can we no' stay for a while? Just tae give her a call an' have tea?'

She stared out the window, shaking her head. ‘Nothing's the same as it used tae be.'

And I could tell that was as good an answer as I was going to get.

While Ma counted the money in her purse in the coach-station toilets I thought about our tea with the Queen, the dress I'd wear, and wondered whether she'd let me try on the crown.

‘Thirty-six, thirty-eight. Thirty-eight pounds and twenty-six pence. Not bad at all.'

‘We're not really skint then?' I asked thinking about my Glow Worm's pregnant secret. Ma swept the money back into her purse.

‘We'll be fine, Janie; Monday's dole cheque day so we just need tae get through the weekend.'

Ma kept grabbing onto me, mussing my hair up.

‘It's just the two of us, Janie, isn't it? You and yer ma. We're having an adventure, aren't we? That place was too stuffy fer us.'

She didn't wait for answers but said I could pick any place from the boards and I stared at the numbers on the board and tried to spell out the letters and see which places sounded fun.

‘That one.'

‘York? Aye, that would be nice, but I don't think our cash'll stretch that far.'

‘What about that one then?'

‘Dundee?' Ma laughed. ‘No, I don't think so. Look fer something leaving at eleven.'

I looked for two 1s standing close together, stiff and straight, and pointed them out.

‘Canterbury? Good choice.' She hugged me and pulled us towards the ticket booth.

*

I was sick again that coach journey and Ma got into a mood when I asked if we could telephone Jen and get her to tell Da where we were going. The National Express hostess gave me a head-tilted sympathetic nod and forced a free orange juice on me though it was the last thing I wanted after my guzzling at breakfast.

While going up and down the aisle selling her misshaped, cling-film-wrapped sandwiches, she paused and sat on the empty seat opposite us, her stomach bulging over her navy waistband.

‘Sit her on newspaper.' She counted the points off on her red fingernails, her made-up face serious and confident; she was a professional. ‘Ginger tea, if you can get it down her. There's pills, but I feel funny giving kiddies pills, don't you?' Ma said nothing and the hostess carried on, a freight train. ‘There's Sea-Bands but I don't believe in them myself. Oh, and make her breathe through her mouth and stare at the horizon.' She looked at me and shook her head, ‘Poor little lamb,' then fluttered her blue mascaraed eyelashes in acknowledgement of her good deed and squeezed off down the aisle to deliver a corned beef and pickle bap. I watched her rolling buttocks depart.

‘She was pretty, ma, and clever.'

‘She –' Ma's face was like thunder – ‘was an interfering, know-it-all bitch. Thinks she can tell me how tae raise my own kid.'

I was silent for the rest of the journey except for the retching noises when I ran to the toilet to sick up the orange juice until my greedy belly was finally empty.

*

Canterbury was a magical old-fashioned land, a bit like where Dogtanian and Juliet lived in the cartoon. I looked at the old buildings and wondered if that was where people lived all together, like at the care home.

Ma liked it. ‘Well, it's as good as anywhere an' certainly a lot better than fuckin' Dundee.'

We went to a cafe with scratched yellow Formica tabletops and a metal counter and Ma said I could choose anything that didn't cost more than 50p. It was a choice between toast or chips. I chose chips. The stooped old man who brought them over wore a stained vest with thick grey curly hairs bristling over the top. Ma rolled her eyes.

‘Jesus, he's a six-pack down that vest, alright, a six-pack of Brillo Pads.'

While I salted and added enough vinegar to make the chips steam and my eyes water, Ma asked if they had a phone book she could borrow. He said nothing, walked away and the book thumped down on the table five minutes later.

‘Would yeh mind if I took it fer a wee while? Just to a phone box?' Ma asked his back and he shrugged one shoulder. Ma lit a fag and gave it a savage puff and I realised I couldn't finish my chips because I was too scared of finding one of those curly silver chest hairs twisting around my tongue. It didn't matter though because Ma finished her fag, hoisted the phone book under her arm and motioned for me to get my stuff.

The phone box smelt a bit better than the ones at home even if it did have shattered glass panes. Ma wedged the suitcase in the door as a seat for me and flicked through the book. I wondered when we would get really poor so I could tell her about the Glow Worm money.

‘Aye, I was wondering if yeh had a room fer me an' my little girl? Oh, aye an' do yeh accept DHSS?' She stiffened. ‘The fucker hung up! A “no” would be fine ta very much.'

She lined up all our 10ps on top of the phone, going through them quickly because when she asked if they took kids or DHSS the calls finished quickly.

When Ma got to the second-from-last coin she looked so tired I thought I should tell her about the money and we could go for a proper dinner. Or maybe just go home.

‘Aye, an' do yeh accept DHSS?' Her voice was flat. ‘No, alright, well, thanks any— Who? An' what's the name again an' street number?' Her finger whizzed down the phone-book page. ‘Got it!' The phone started to beep. ‘That's my pips, but thanks a million!'

One call and a scribbled note in a purple crayon later and Ma was walking us towards a bus stop with bright eyes and a wide, stretched smile.

‘Hurry up, let's go see our new home!'

*

Mrs Sleathes said she owned seven bed and breakfasts across Canterbury. Ours, The Lucky B&B, was an old house, filled with grubby furniture and the curtains, sheets and towels were all Germolene pink.

Mrs Sleathes led us to our room. She was beaky, that's what Ma said, with a frizz of black hair, like Ma's bad-perm days, and little shiny eyes as unnerving as two black buttons. Her hands were weighed down with rings, and though she was smaller than Ma she seemed to fill the room with her wild gestures and excited, squeaking voice.

‘Rules!' she said to Ma in a bright voice.

I started pacing the room and counting my steps behind her.

‘Electricity must be off at 9 p.m. except the overhead light which can stay on until 11 p.m. Showers can be taken in the room down the hall and there's hot water from 7.30 a.m. to 8.30 a.m. There's a communal kitchen downstairs to cook and eat in from 6 p.m. until 8 p.m. No laundry in the rooms, or food, except the breakfast provided.'

She gave a tight smile. I had finished walking the length of the room and had counted that it was eleven of my steps long starting with the sink in the corner and ending with a single chair at the foot of the bunk beds. On the chair was a tray that held neatly arranged mini-packs of cornflakes, two tea bags and two cling-film-covered shortbread fingers, all slotted together like puzzle pieces.

Ma looked around the room and at Mrs Sleathes.

‘An' what about lunch, we must be able tae use the kitchen fer tha an' all?'

I walked from the chair to the door. Mrs Sleathes waved her manicured fingers.

‘Ah now, we operate a lockout system from 10 a.m. until 5.30 p.m.'

‘What?' Ma closed her mouth as quickly as she had opened it and then continued in a softer tone. ‘I mean, Mrs Sleathes, what are we meant to do all day?'

Mrs Sleathes gave a hiccup of a laugh. ‘Well, enjoy the City of Canterbury, dear, you'll be amazed by how much there is to see and do.'

‘Would there not be an exception? I mean, it's not good fer Janie tae be out all day, especially in the sun.'

I had been to the door and back to the chair twice but couldn't decide if the room was five or six steps wide. From the door I saw Mrs Sleathes' face become serious as she tilted her head to the side sympathetically.

‘Yes, yes, I do understand . . . but no.' She snapped her head up straight. ‘The only exception I make is that I accept DHSS tenants, Miss Ryan. Really, if it wasn't for me I don't know where most of my tenants would go.' Mrs Sleathes paused expectantly but Ma said nothing and stared around the room.

‘Right! Well, I'm sure you're keen to get all settled in. It's –' she looked at her little gold watch – ‘4.45 so just this once let's bend the rules but as of tomorrow you can hand your keys in to Bob on the ground floor when you leave and you can ring to get back in at 5.30. Oh, and I collect the top-up each Monday personally. It's good to have a catch-up with tenants too.'

Mrs Sleathes' hands glittered as she tangled her fingers trying to unhook our key.

‘What's the top-up when it's at home?' Ma asked, not taking the time to keep her voice soft.

‘Well, even with a child your housing benefit wouldn't cover the cost of the room so all my tenants also pay a fifteen-pound top-up payment, in cash, on Mondays.' She looked up with a key in her hand. ‘But of course for that you do get breakfast and you've no bills!'

Ma looked stunned and I looked at the breakfast tray that reminded me of Sundays of Ready Brek and toast and not much else.

‘Um, could that not be reduced if we didnae have the breakfast?' Ma looked at the floor biting her lip and that made me want to give Mrs Sleathes a Chinese burn or a sharp kick in her skinny shin. ‘You know, Janie is a very fussy eater and –'

‘I am not, Ma!' I glared at Mrs Sleathes. ‘I'll eat anything yeh want me to, don't you worry about that.'

Mrs Sleathes gave her tinkle of a laugh again and stepped gently towards Ma. ‘Now there's no need for embarrassment.' She smiled over at me and I gave her my worst look. ‘I do understand your situation but as I've said I make no exceptions.' She spoke slowly like Ma was just learning English. ‘Besides,' she finished brightly, wagging her finger, ‘it's a bed and
breakfast
, silly!'

She left with a wave of her ringed fingers and a ‘Welcome to The Lucky'.

After the door was closed I looked again at the breakfast tray and the little boxes.

‘Can I have some cornflakes, Ma?'

But she didn't reply. She was running her finger down the two laminated pages on the back of the door and shaking her head.

*

The day after we moved in Bob, the resident key rattler, invited me and Ma to dinner.

‘We can have it in my room if you like?' He leaned his head forward so his stringy, sandy hair fell over his pale face. He was dressed in a thin cream shirt, with the stiff creases of the shop's packaging still wrinkling the wrong parts, and brown trousers.

‘No point in not bending the rules if you can.'

Ma gave a tight, small smile and said she'd prefer to eat in the kitchen, maybe get to know some of the other tenants.

He bought a Chinese takeaway and a bottle of Blue Nun. Ma kept taking embarrassed nibbles of her ribs and tried to chat to the other tenants as they shovelled their food down, standing at the counter, staring into space before hurrying back to their rooms.

‘Well, that was lovely, thank you.' Ma patted her stomach appreciatively and I tried to quickly spoon in a few more mouthfuls of fried rice.

‘Oh, you won't stay for a while?' His sweating face looked crushed. ‘There's still half a bottle of wine left.' He piled her plate with more ribs and filled her Garfield mug to the brim, so tiny bubbles jumped and popped above the surface.

‘You know, I've been saying to Mrs Sleathes we needed a woman about the place.'

Ma laughed a stiff laugh and looked across to the round shoulders of a middle-aged woman at the cooker. From my seat I could see her, in the orange light of the grill, cleaning under her nails with her fork.

‘Oh, I'm sure this place gets along fine.' She stuffed her spare rib in her mouth, ripping off the sticky meat.

‘Still,' Bob reddened, ‘I'm glad you, you both, have come to live here.'

‘We're not staying in this dump!' I said from behind the foil tray I was licking the sweet and sour sauce from. ‘Just until I start school after summer and find somewhere else, isn't it, Ma?'

Ma gave a little sigh and pulled the foil tray from my fingers. ‘Honest, Janie!' She threw a small smile to Bob who didn't throw one back. ‘Yeh'll cut yer tongue off.'

When Ma quickly finished her plate Bob didn't fill it again.

*

Ma always sent me to drop off and collect our keys for lockout after that. Lockout meant that we spent summer days wandering around Canterbury with packed lunches and one of the pink sheets from the B&B.

When it was warm enough we went to the park or the cathedral and Ma would sit on a bench ripping the skin from around her nails or sometimes plucking out arm hairs when she thought I wasn't looking. I spent long hours on my stomach, tongue probing the corner of my mouth as I drew tourists, the cathedral or the crocuses that popped their heads up and over the neat flower borders. When I was done I would run over to Ma, page flapping in the wind for her approval.

‘Americans, like yer da, Janie, except he wasnae a tacky tourist. Yer da had some class.'

‘Look at the way yeh got those windows just right!'

‘We might as well pick them, Janie, before they go, let's take them back tae the room an' brighten it up.'