Tied Up In Heartstrings (2 page)

For all tragedy there is a miracle to make up for it, just somewhere else.
 

-
Unknown

It’s a beautiful morning, my favorite time, besides Sierra’s bedtime when I sing to her. Sitting on the lanai with a great book and a cup of tea provides the peaceful start I need to my day. I normally use this time to clear my head and prepare myself for putting on that proverbial ‘happy face’ so that I can actually ‘fake it, till I make it’ as they say. Believe me, I know how insane that sounds! Although, today it feels a little more like creative avoidance. I
should
be packing. I
should
be headed toward a resort in St. Pete Beach in an hour.

My tri-annual girls’ weekend with my best friends from college is this weekend. We’re heading for some beach time. It’s supposed to be relaxing and healing and all that jazz. At least that’s what the girls said. My mind is wandering all over the place. The anxiety of leaving Sierra is a bit crippling for me, not so much for her. She’s thrilled to be spending the long weekend with Uncle Jason and Auntie Kate. They have
three adorable little spawn, and Sierra loves spending time with her cousins. I’m contemplating possible excuses to back out of the trip when I hear the chime of my iPhone alerting me that I have a text.

Kate: Hey sweets! I’m scooping Sierra from school with my lot this afternoon. Enjoy your time. You deserve this! I’ll pick up her bag later. Just leave it in the entryway.

Shit. I guess the idea that Kate would cancel was a bit out of the range of possibility.

Me: UGH…I don’t know Kate. What am I doing? I have no desire to leave town for a girls’ weekend. I
’m just not ready to be social. I can handle the girls, but I don’t want to put a damper on their plans. I think I’m going to stay behind. Plus, I really don’t want to leave Sierra.

I’m actually not really concerned about leaving Sierra. She’ll be in the best hands possible with Kate and Jason. She’s stayed with them many times and loves being there. It’s me…I’m afraid of moving on with my life and doing anything normal. Whitney keeps telling me I can’t continue to use Sierra as an excuse to not proceed with life. She’s worried that by me always using Sierra as an excuse to avoid doing things, I’m going to hold Sierra back from having a normal life. I hope that’s not what I’m doing.

Kate: I knew you were going to need a kick in the ass this morning. I’m coming over. NOW!

Great, this isn’t going to end well. My sister in-law is the epitome of a mama-tiger. She is mama-tiger to not only my brother and their children, but to everyone she loves! To be fair, there are very few of us in that category, but my daughter and I are blessed, and
sometimes cursed,
enough to reside on that list. There’s no way she’s letting me off the hook!

I should never have mentioned this girls’ trip to her. Truthfully, I was never planning to go. The girls and I have done these trips three times a year since our freshman year of college. I haven’t attended any since the accident. I think it was the guilt of abandoning them that made me bring it up in the first place.

I really do miss being with them for these special weekends. And they have done so much for me over the last eighteen months. I hate abandoning them…again!

The thing is, where there’s a group of ladies there’s always some kind of drama or issue going on. I’ve been living in my own bubble, praying by the grace of God that we don’t run into any sharp corners. I’m not really ready to deal with anyone else’s issues yet.
Yep, just call me the selfish ass bitch!

My friends have mostly kept me out of the loop with all their troubles over the last several months. They call, or stop by to visit often, and always tell me the latest
gossip, leaving out all the things they know I’m not capable of dealing with in their lives. I’m not stupid. We all have stuff going on. I know things are happening with all of them. In spite of that plane crash that turned my world upside down, life has gone on. For me as well, Sierra is just about to turn five and has started pre-k. Even without a daddy around, she’s still thriving and growing.

I’ve been
friends with them for years and I know these girls…too well. We’ve stood behind each other in good and bad times, through marriages, children, and the numerous life-craps (as we call them) that we wouldn’t want to re-live. There are four of us in our little group.

Whitney, my best friend, has a heart of gold. She’s funny, beautiful in every way, and of course she doesn’t realize it. She’s the life of every party, and everyone wants to be her friend. I literally wouldn’t have survived the last eighteen months without her in my life. It amazes me that she isn’t head over heels in love with some wonderful man. God knows, that there have been plenty
of men head over heels for her, and more lining up for the chance. But that’s just not her thing. When Whit loves, she loves with her whole heart. It’ll take a really special man to capture her heart. I know it’ll happen someday, she’s a definite romantic. She’s feisty as hell, and will defend you with her life if necessary, no questions asked. She and I are most alike in that case. However, unlike me, she likely wouldn’t hurt a fly, but has a damn good poker face about it. Throughout our friendship I can’t recount the number of times she and I have gone after catty bitches for mistreating or taking advantage of Cami and Kelsey!

Then there’s Kelsey. She’s a piece of work. She’s been married and quickly divorced, no kiddos, thankfully. He was a complete idiot. She loves to fall in love. I really think it’s the hunt and chase that gets her. She’s stunning and knows how to work it to get what she wants. The girl can find the man of her dreams anywhere, and make all the men think she’s the only girl in the room. Jed used to say she carried some sort of love potion in her pheromones, because the men she dated always fell in love with her fast, like proposals and all. I think it has something to do with her bedroom activities…just
sayin’. Kelsey is crazy, but she is the most amazing friend anyone could ask for. She’ll stop whatever she’s doing to be there for you whenever you need her.

Cami
is the most quiet and reserved of all us. She’s the mom of the group. She always takes care of us. She has been married for a decade. We’re only just now in our late twenties. Who does that? But she is over the top in love with her husband, Drake, and he loves her just as much. They were high school sweethearts. Cami & Drake have four little people, who are a perfect combination of the two of them. It’s actually unbelievable. I cannot think of two more perfectly matched people. Cami brings balance to the group and always makes sure we all stay together. Hence, why we always call her the mother hen.

Then
there’s me…completely broken when my safety blanket was ripped from me. I wasn’t always this way. Jed and I would have been married for just over five years, or I should say were just celebrating four years when the plane went down. Now, I’m a shell of who I used to be. Slowly I’m seeing glimmers of my old self. But they’re just that, glimmers. Enough that I have hope of someday piecing together my very broken self. The sunshine, and primary light in my world, comes from Sierra.

Sierra has her daddy’s blond hair and bright blue eyes, and my feisty personality. Thankfully, she can bat those gorgeous baby blues when her cute little mouth finds her in trouble, which is often these days, since four and a half year olds know way more than the greater population of the world. She’s strong and amazing. I think about how proud Jed would be of her resilience every day. She and I often talk about Jed. I sing her pretty songs that remind me of her daddy all the time. Sometimes, singing is easier than telling stories, so I try to do both, often.

I haven’t gone on the last few girls’ trips, because I really didn’t want the girls taking care of me and not doing the things they all enjoy. Barely holding myself together, I’m seriously lacking the ability to think of great advice for their stuff going on.

I swear I couldn’t bear to hear any more about how much fun it would be to go to the spa for the weekend. They don’t want to be at a spa all weekend, any more than I do, but obviously they thought it would be the easiest place to ease me back into the real world. Definitely easier than going out dancing and seeing a lot of happy couples around having fun. So I just kept cancelling, using Sierra as an excuse, until they wouldn’t take no for an answer.

They let it slide for a little bit, but Whitney wasn’t having it this time. She planned this trip and chose all things she knew the old me would love. That girl is damn well determined to bring some joy and happiness back to my life, and she refuses to miss a minute of it. My therapist, Dr. Powell, agrees and is pushing me to start rebuilding my social life. I’m young, only twenty-nine, but I suppose I’m acting more like an old maid. I just can’t bear the idea of moving on. This wasn’t ever the plan. I was supposed to live happily ever after.

“WHAT—IN—THE—HELL—Is this I’m hearing from Kate that you’re thinking about bagging out of the beach trip with us this weekend?” Whit yells, as she barges into my house and starts stomping her pretty little
shoes, that likely cost more than half my wardrobe combined across my tile floor.

“Whit, Listen...” I try, but she points her finger at me and plasters that ‘I mean business face’ on.

“NO! Listen nothing! I have NO MORE listening tolerance. No desire at all to hear all the reasons why you can’t go. JUST. SHUT. UP. Get your ass up out of that chair and into the shower before I drag your stubborn ass out of here with that greasy, just worked-out hair, and sweaty clothes. People are waiting on YOU. We have a great day planned at the resort. Move your ass, sister! Where are your bags?”

Oh no…Crap! Why did Kate call her? We could’ve talked this through without Whit here forcing my hand. Kate knows I won’t bail on Whit face to face.
Ahhh…That’s exactly why she called her.

“Umm…I haven’t packed yet. I was just...”

“Alexis, get in the shower,” she yells, then continues without missing a step on her way to find a suitcase. “Kate is on the way. She and I will handle packing for you, and I’m sure for Sierra, too. I’ll never understand why you are choosing to hide your head in the sand. This is not you, Alexis. Go get showered and dressed.”

Sometimes, when you know you cannot win, you just have to shut your mouth and do as you’re told. This is one of those times. I’ll never be able to reason with these women. I’m going on this trip whether I want to or not.

“Alexis, Whitney, where are you guys?” Kate calls from the foyer, arriving to double team me into agreement. Whitney tugs me out of my cozy chair and into the house toward the family room where Kate meets us. Jed designed our home after I accepted his proposal six years ago and we started construction almost immediately. Our house is not small, but by no means is it a mini mansion. He designed it so that we could have three kids max and live comfortably. For just Sierra and me, this house is way too big. I can’t imagine anyone else living here, though. He designed this for us.

“We’re coming. Traitor!” I quip. They both laugh at my scowl, as I’m dragged up the stairs to the master suite. They shove me toward the bathroom with very stern looks. Whitney asks Kate to get out my overnight bag, explaining that I haven’t begun to pack for
myself or Sierra. As if I thought that was going to be the deal breaker for those two. No chance. That was just a small obstacle to get me out the door. I’m sunk!