Authors: Abigail Breslin

This May Sound Crazy (7 page)

BOOK: This May Sound Crazy

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Don't ever joke about pregnancy or herpes over text. Ever. Just. Just don't. TRUST ME.

And finally:

4. Telling guys why they SHOULDN'T date me is possibly my best skill.

Maybe it's a self-preservation thing. That's probably what a therapist would say, and maybe that's right. I've definitely had my fair share of guys who have been less than Noah from
The Notebook
status. And that's being HIIIIIIGHLY generous. My approach in the past has been, “Okay, I am annoying and awful and I spend all of my time on Tumblr and watching sad movies. I'm obsessed with Christmas, and I love my cat more than any other human. I am really not the romantic type, and I am probably not that hot to you or not your type and definitely not worthy of hanging out with all the time, so you should probably just leave right now.” And I use that, I guess, as a way to say, “HEY, I really
like you, and I really want you to like me, too, and I need you to reassure me that you like me right now so I'm gonna tear myself apart and tell you everything I don't like about myself so you know it and don't get freaked out by it when eventually it comes out.”

But I have come to realize that if a guy asks you out, if he wants to spend a lot of time with you, talking to you, initiating conversation, if you have good talks and times and you feel good around him, he likes you. And he's probably seen A LOT of the things you're insecure about and not even noticed them (or maybe he evenâgasp!âlikes them).

One time, after being with a guy for a really long time, I told him I was really insecure about my laugh because it's kinda loud and not very cuteâlike, idk, how so many girls look gorgeous when they laugh but I look like I'm having a stroke. And you know what he said? He said that was one of his favorite things about me. And yeah, okay, whatever,
right? Like, of COURSE he's saying that. But then he showed me a text he had sent his friend the night we had met saying how “cute” my laugh was. CUTE? MY LAUGH?? I promise you it is the furthest thing from cute. But if someone really likes you, REALLY genuinely likes you, the things you dislike about you can be lovable to them. And no one likes someone who is constantly hating on the things they love.

So . . . What is my opinion on what Lily had said about me not having to change myself to get guys to like me?

SHE'S RIGHT. I don't. And I won't ever again.

Well. Maybe I will. Who knows? I'm still young, and I could do something stupid like I did with Voldi again if, say, Zac Efron called up, like, “Hey, girl, wanna go see this cool new reggae band tonight?” And I'd be like, “Oh my God, Zac, I don't know how you got my number considering we met once and I
sobbed. I thought you'd be creeped out, but okay, yeah, I love reggae. Let's do it.”

But. The chances of that happening are like . . . . . . . . . . . IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, ABS. IT'S JUST NOT.

The point is: You shouldn't ever change yourself to fit someone else's ideal perfect girl. The older I get the more I realize there isn't a perfect girl and there isn't a perfect boy. You can meet someone and think everything they say and do has been sent down by angels and unicorns. You can think you'll never get sick of them ever and you'll have a beautiful life together filled with morning cups of coffee and nights of eating pizza on fire escapes and making out and being perfectly perfect together, and I HATE bursting that bubble for you but you do get sick of them. After a while the little things you found cute can become weirdly obnoxious. Like why the F do you need to YAWN SO LOUDLY? But whatever. Maybe he'll
stop doing that or try to. And you'll try to change things that annoy him, like hogging the blanket while you're Netflixing on the couch. These are small changes you make when you are ALREADY in a relationship. But you should never fundamentally change things about yourself that are inherently YOU. Ever. ESPECIALLY to impress a guy enough to ask you on a date. That's CRAZY talk. But . . . that also doesn't mean you have to be a full-blown psychopath as I may have been in the past. There's a time and a place to carry the cat bags, kids.

And there ya have it, folks. Feel free to refer to this anytime you want to know what NOT to say to your crush. Or what to say if a guy you DON'T like is hitting on you. Then you can hit him with the whole cat hair ball thing. And if it doesn't bother him . . .

Well . . .

He might

be a keeper.

11
BASICS

Whether you have been dumped, or you have been the dumper, it's safe to say that breakups are never fun. And if you are the one person in the entire universe that got through a breakup completely and 100 percent unscathed then . . .

1. CONGRATS!

2. You're lying.

Ending a relationship is awful and horrible and heartbreaking and gut-wrenching, and there's no way of getting around that. I mean, you're basically telling someone you've potentially loved, or at least cared a great deal about, that you don't want him in your life anymore. And we can all use that “we can stay friends” line until we are blue in the face, but NOBODY likes hearing that almost as much as no one likes saying it. You can almost never go backward happily. There really is no GOOD breakup.

Now if you have just broken up with someone and you are currently sobbing onto this page and/or considering chucking this book across your room and curling into a ball of sadness for eternity, FEAR NOT! I am not just here to be a total downer. I have tips! I'm here to guide you through it! I have NUGGETS OF BREAKUP WISDOM. That's right. It's going to be okay. ABrez is here to help.

Let's start at the top. Let's start with the scenario that you are the one being broken up with.

The most common thing I hear from my friends is, “I never saw it coming.” And that can be true. Sometimes you don't even notice when someone is pulling away, but there are ALWAYS signs.

1	He starts acting distant. Sometimes it's not even as obvious as ignoring texts or canceling plans. Sometimes, you just can feel him starting to pull away. It's the less eye contact, more time on his phone, not paying as much attention to what you're saying. It may seem insignificantâand maybe it isâbut sometimes it's not.
2	He invites friends to all of your hangouts. Or, as I like to call itâ“buffers.” Maybe you've been arguing a little bit, and he feels awkward hanging out completely alone. BUT that's not a way to solve the problem. Having a bunch of people around when things already aren't ideal is just a way for him to avoid his issues. DON'T let him get away with this. Maybe try saying, “Hey, I know things haven't been as great as usual lately, maybe we should just have a one-on-one night so we can really talk everything through so we're both happy. I get uncomfortable talking about these kinds of things in front of other people.” That way, you're getting your point across while also not putting the blame on him.
3	You just get that VIBE. Sometimes, nothing is really different. He's calling, texting, telling you he loves you. He keeps his word with plans. But you still feel like something is “off.” It can make you feel crazy sometimes, because you don't have any concrete issues. Things just feel weird. Trust your gut. Your gut is usually right. If you feel like something's wrong, if you're anxious and unhappy, it's worth bringing up. Try saying, “I don't wanna be âthat girl' but, is it me or are things kind of off between us lately? Maybe we can grab coffee and talk about it? I know I always think more clearly after a good pumpkin spice latte.” Best case, it's nothing and you laugh about it later. Worst case, there is something going on, but at least then it's out in the open. Better to be sad than to think you're crazy.

Talking in person about issues is ALWAYS ideal. Second best is over the phone. Texting really isn't an option when it comes to stuff
like this. Too much room for misinterpretation. He may say things like, “I get awkward over the phone” or “I can really pay more attention over text” but that is, tbh, bull. If he won't meet up with you in person or at the very least call you to make things right, turn his notifications to “DO NOT DISTURB” on your phone until he calls you. Best to keep a friend around during this so he or she can make sure you don't sneak a peek at his messages.

And finally, here are some things that you SHOULDN'T worry about:

He texts less. This is something every girl freaks out about sometimes, but, tbh, once you've been in a relationship for a little bit, neither of you NEEDS constant communication to know that you're still really into one another. Try to relax. Talk to your friends before you confront him, cuz it really sucks when things are going good and your paranoia causes you to
do that whole, “Why aren't u texting me as much? Don't U like me anymore? lol?”

NOT THAT I'VE DONE THAT OR ANYTHING.

He's not super lovey-dovey anymore. Idk, maybe he uses your pet name less frequently or maybe he isn't constantly stroking your hand across the table. As long as he isn't acting super cold and shady, don't freak. This is normal. It's called moving out of the Honeymoon Phase. The Honeymoon Phase is where everything is ideal and perfect and you're super obsessed with the other person. This usually lasts about a month or two. It's actually a good thing when it ends cuz it means you're just entering a new, even closer part of your relationship. RELAX.

He forgets your, I DUNNO, four-month anniversary or something. Guys RARELY pay close attention to the details. I once
asked my ex if he remembered when we started dating (in March) and he said “like end of April or something.” I remember getting pissed off, but honestly, he knew it was in the spring so I let it slide. Forgetting a few details doesn't necessarily mean that he's not into you anymore.

Now, let's say you are the one ENDING the relationship. THIS SUCKS, TOO. You cared about this person at one point. There's probably things about your S.O. you still care about. There's nothing fun about breaking someone's heart.

1	Really think about why you're ending it before you end it. Rash decisions aren't a good idea. Maybe try taking a break. Start with something like, “We've been arguing a lot lately. Why don't we spend a week or two by ourselves to cool off and think, and then we can get back together to discuss things when we're both a little less heated?” He may get pissed off, but taking a break is a really great way to spend time alone and see if you really are happier without that person in your life. Especially if you've been fighting a lot. A little time and distance will help you see if what you've been arguing about is temporary or something that's really wrong with your relationship.
2	If you decide the break you're on should be permanent, expect him to be angry. Try to be as gentle as possible when ending it. Take responsibility. Focus on the positives. You're not trying to destroy him, right? It's not an argument to be won, just a thing that needs to be said. I can't tell you exactly what to tell him, because I don't know your relationship. Only you know what that person would benefit most from hearing. Also, realize there is no way for you to be totally comforting without giving the other person false hope, which is really not nice, even if you only have good intentions. Expect them to yell and curse and maybe say things that are hurtful. Try not to take it personally, but also don't be a doormat. You don't have to sit there and let them tear into you. Find a way to say something like, “I get that you're hurt and upset, and I'm sorry. But I think a lot of what you're saying is fueled by anger, and for my own sanity, I need to go now.” Also, try to avoid as best you can dumping someone in public or by text. In public, they don't have the license to really feel their emotions, and it's just a way for you to feel less awkward cuz you know they can't be as upset in front of total strangers. Over text is just . . . No.
3	Realize you don't need a definitive reason to get out of a situation. If you're with someone and unhappy, that's good enough. You don't have to wait for him to cheat on you or be a jerk. You don't need documentable cause. I've ended things with people where they've been great, but I'm just personally not happy. There is no reason to stay with someone if you aren't happyâand don't EVER let someone manipulate you into staying for THEIR happiness. There's a great quote from a book, I forget which one, but it says, “You are not required to set yourself on fire in order to keep other people warm.” REMEMBER THAT.

ALSO. AFTERWARD, don't move on till you're ready. Sometimes, you want to find someone new right away, but that's usually a bad idea. If you're still hung up on your ex (and there's a good chance you are), then it's unfair to you AND the new person to involve them in your life if you're not ready to be emotionally available for them.

At the end of the day, breakups are iehgvudfgid (that's the sound of my head pounding
on the keyboard) awful. But in either scenario, you will surviveâand so will the other person, which may be an even tougher pill to swallow. Right? Just cuz you've moved on and found someone else, doesn't mean you want him to move on, too. Sad truth: We all want to be the best thing you ever had. So, when you're feeling a bit jealous, like it was a bit too easy for him, refer back to Chapter 1: Reasons to Not Stalk Your Ex. UNFRIEND THEM. IGNORE THEM. Why put yourself through the agony of seeing them with someone elseâeven if you know it shouldn't be agony at all?

And when all else fails, and you start to backslide and doubt your decision or you start to think that one sad text or funny fb post will win him back, put on your favorite movie, call your friends over, have a dance party, cry as much as you want to sad music, and eat tons and tons of chocolate.