This Book is Gay (14 page)

*You'll note that a lot of this crap wouldn't be necessary if society didn't have such closed ideas of what a man should dress like and what a woman should dress like.

When a person comes out as trans, it could mean admitting they sometimes like to cross-dress or that they intend to identify as their chosen gender full-time. As with sexuality, it's the admitting it aloud part that's terrifying. This time, however, people expect a physical transformation afterwards.

The process is unique to every individual, but for people wishing to
transition
into a new gender full-time, there is a set plan. For most people, the first port of call is their GP. People under the age of eighteen will be referred to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS), while adults will be referred to a specialist gender dysphoria clinic or a psychiatrist. That is not to say that being trans is a mental illness of itself, but when dealing with such a big step it's important to establish it's the correct choice.

The NHS now recommends swift action for people desiring to transition. There are guidelines on the NHS website that you can take along to your GP, as most won't be experts on this. Once you've been referred, you may well start on hormone treatment – for MTF patients, this involves taking oestrogen, and for FTM, testosterone. The effects are sudden and, in some cases, irreversible.

It is important to seek medical help instead of self-administering hormones. The results are better. End of.

Hormones will change how you look and sound, but some trans people also opt for surgery. Some surgical procedures are available on the NHS, but some would have to be bought privately (like facial feminisation procedures). To have genital surgery (it's worth pointing out here that a huge percentage of FTM transsexuals never have a phalloplasty – or winky job), most surgeons require you to have been living in your chosen gender for about two years.

Obviously, genital surgery is painful and the recovery period is lengthy, so some people choose to not have it. Others, however, feel they need a full physical overhaul. It's very much about choice and understanding what's right for you.

One thing is for certain: if you or someone you know comes out as trans, the most important element is the new identity. Choosing a name and making sure everyone uses the
correct pronouns
is as important as how you dress and look.

Irene, 33, is an MTF transsexual from New Jersey, USA.

I opted for hormones, after taking some time to be sure I wanted this, because it had been my understanding that they are a very important medical step that can produce profound changes in body and mind. For some people, they're more important even than the things that we have to do through surgery, but I wouldn't go that far for myself.

I'm given to understand that I personally am on the slower end of the scale of how fast changes tend to occur. I've been on hormone therapy for eighteen months now. It was quite exciting for the first couple months, and still is every time I notice some new progress. For a while, I would measure my chest with a tape measure to reassure myself that things were happening there. It wasn't frightening at all; this has always been my fondest desire, and it's a quite gentle process, really; there's nothing to be scared by.

As far as what changed, the first thing I noticed was that my nipples became developed – that is, stopped being shrivelled up like male ones are. Then, over about three months, my hips widened, from thirty-two inches to forty inches! I was still presenting as male at work during that period, so that was a little difficult for me, since I couldn't wear my actual wardrobe and had to find male slacks that sort of fit.

Something should probably be said about facial-hair removal, by the way. Hormones don't do that (nor do they change the voice, which has to be done through practice and often special training), so I had sessions for that every weekend. There's a controversy about whether laser treatment or electrolysis is better, which prevents there being good advice in the community on it. The facts are that laser covers many times more follicles per session, while electrolysis is always permanent, even on tough follicles. So what everybody winds up doing is laser to get a clear face at first and electrolysis later on to finish the job.

But nobody gave me this advice! So I just went for electrolysis, concurrently with starting hormones, because I didn't know any better. It was intensely painful, but I actually viewed that as a good thing, since it gave me some concrete sense of progress that I wasn't getting from the hormones at that time. Also, since most trans women (though I hardly knew any back then) have been through it at some point, there was a sense of belonging, which was nice.

For the first eight months or so, I had virtually no breast growth – enough that I could tell things had happened, with my shirt off, but it was quite distressing. They finally did start growing – I talked to my doctor and we played with my dosages a little – but I've never had the ‘growing pains' sensation that almost everybody mentions. As of today, I wear a B cup, but I don't really fill it.

I don't view that hormone therapy, nor the genital surgery that I am also seeking, as cosmetic at all; it's correcting a vital mismatch between body and soul. But the insurance company will see it that way on both counts (what could be less cosmetic than a complete change of genitalia?), so I'll be paying out of pocket.

I've spoken with other trans women on the subject, and most agree that there is an improved capacity to feel emotion. I can definitely confirm that in my own experience; it's too pronounced to be psychosomatic. Frankly, I don't like the person who I was before starting hormones, and I never want to be that coldhearted again. Also, I am able to summon tears when I feel the need, nowadays, which I never was before. Tears are very liberating.

In addition to increased emotionality, I had an almost immediate mood improvement. I had been depressed my whole life. For probably ten years prior to hormones, I was also deeply suicidal, making two very serious attempts – with subsequent hospitalizations. Once I got some oestrogen in my system, I could no longer notice depressive 'spiral' thinking patterns in myself. Even my psychiatrist saw a profound difference and ultimately took me off most of the psychiatric medications she had had me on, because, as we both agreed, they were no longer relevant to me. It was a complete turnaround, which is something that 'just depression' patients never, ever experience. Beyond doubt, oestrogen saved my life.

There are other aspects of transition which you didn't even tangentially ask about, so I won't go into them all, but just to name a few: There's the social side – telling one's friends (and, generally, losing most of them); telling one's family; losing any spouse and children that one might have. There's the clothing side, presenting as oneself regarding attire, hair, make-up and so forth. There's the legal side, fighting with every single political and corporate entity that you had no idea even existed – I currently can't open a Verizon Internet-service account in my new apartment because, in my new legal name, I have no credit history. Then there's the fact that, as a woman who plays video games, I face a hell of a lot of name-calling and hate speech from the twenty-something males who inhabit the same virtual spaces as me. And there's the fact that software development, my profession, is at least ninety-five per cent male.

I wouldn't trade any of these problems for the world. I am so, so glad to have them.

Do you like the following things:

• Holding hands?
  
• Kissing?
  
• Picking the devil mushrooms off your pizza and giving them to someone else?
  
• Sex?
  
• Hugs?
  
• Watching TV while snuggling?
  
• The idea of any of these things?
  

If you answered ‘yes' to any of the above, then I'm afraid, sooner or later, you'll have to meet someone. You'll note that none of the activities are one-player games. Self-hugging is only for people in straitjackets.

As previously mentioned, LGB* people are in a minority. MOST people identify as heterosexual, therefore finding someone the same gender as you who wants to hug and hold hands with you is that little bit tougher.

Clearly, being trans has nothing to do with your sexuality. Some trans people will be gay, others will be straight. Later in this chapter, we'll talk about the specific issues trans people might have when meeting someone.

You probably won't BELIEVE this but, once upon a time, gay men used to hang coloured bandanas out of their back pockets to signal that they were gay and what kind of sexyfuntime they liked. Complicated much? Also, with rainbow-colour hankies dangling from their bums, you can only imagine they looked like My Little Ponies.

Luckily, LGB* people have emerged from the shadows. The days of gay or bi people hiding away in unmarked subterranean bars and clubs are over (although those clubs do still exist and they serve a function, as we'll discuss later). We have trendy bars and hip clubs for the over eighteens, and websites, organisations, clubs, marches and more for everyone – all designed to help us meet potential partners or friends.

Ancient gay scholars (me and my friends) have often posited that there is a MYSTICAL SIXTH SENSE that allows homo-inclined people to sense when our own kind is close at hand. We are sex mediums, if you like: ‘There is a gay in this house … yes … yes, the presence is strong now … he's definitely a gay.'

This gay radar became known as GAYDAR.

Of course, members of the LGB* community do not possess magical powers (or at least that's what we want regular people to think …). Instead, gaydar is a developed talent whereby we get good at reading body language.

How to hone your gaydar:

• So you see someone you like the look of …
  
• The first step is CLOCK THE STEREOTYPES. As discussed, stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason, and some men and women do have a ‘gay look', probably BECAUSE we sometimes want to advertise ourselves to potential mates. A beardy guy wearing a leather harness IS likely to be gay (or a gladiator). Sadly, nearly all LGB* people are far more ambiguous than that, so we need further help.
  
• Look for SUSTAINED EYE CONTACT. This is by far the best gaydar at your disposal. I'm going to be super honest. Women (who I like an awful lot but do not like having sex with) mill around me all day. In passing, I might notice their super hair or something, but I don't really try to make eye contact. People, as a rule, make eye contact if they want to engage. If you see someone holding eye contact for much more than a second, or taking a second look, it's because they're trying to get your attention.