These Things Hidden (25 page)

F
or a while, I was terrified that everyone would think that I had something to do with Brynn trying to drown Joshua, like it was some kind of big conspiracy. The police talked to me for hours, shook their heads at my insistence that I had nothing to do with the drowning, tried to get me to admit to something, anything. But in the end, Devin came to the rescue again. She was able to get Brynn’s medical records and the notes from her visits with her psychiatrist that she was seeing in New Amery. In her sessions with her doctor, Brynn talked extensively about the guilt she felt for thinking the baby girl was already dead when she went to the river. My grandmother also found Brynn’s journals, the drawings that documented the night I gave birth to the twins. Brynn had sketched picture after picture of
the Druid River sweeping the baby away. One disturbing drawing showed a lifeless Brynn at river’s bottom holding two infants, one male, one female, umbilical cords connected to one placenta.

So in the end I’ve been exonerated and my record will be expunged, my file sealed. I can leave Linden Falls anytime now, if I want to. I could move to a small town like Wellman where no one would have heard of me or to a bigger city like Des Moines where no one would care. I can leave the state or leave the country. It’s up to me and me alone.

My mother asked me if I would identify Brynn’s body. My father was still in the hospital and she just couldn’t do it. I agreed. It was the least I could do for Brynn. I was the one who brought Brynn back to Linden Falls, made her face the little boy whose sister she accidentally drowned. I was the one who couldn’t save her. Poor, fragile Brynn, who only wanted to be with her animals. I may have not known what she was going to do to Joshua, but I was the catalyst.

I identified her on a video screen; I wasn’t even in the same room with her. She was lying on a metal table covered with a sheet and a woman pulled back the cover from her face. Immediately, I knew it was Brynn. Except for her pale skin and blue lips, she looked like she was sleeping. “That’s my sister,” I said.

Brynn’s funeral was small and very sad. I sat between
my parents and my grandmother, but it was my grandmother’s hand I reached for when Brynn’s casket was lowered into the ground. In the small crowd I saw Olene, Bea, and surprisingly Flora was there. Afterward, I found myself alone with my parents.

“Where will you go?” my mother asked, her eyes red from crying. She looked exhausted and old.

“To college.” I paused. “I’m not sure where yet,” I said. “Away.” I need to leave Linden Falls, need to leave Iowa. I want to go somewhere where no one will connect me to Brynn, Joshua, the Kelbys or Christopher. I’d like to apply to the University of Illinois in Champaign. Devin has been wonderful. She said she would write me a letter of recommendation and promised to support me in any way she can. If all goes well, I plan to apply to law school. I’m not sure if I want to keep any kind of connection with my parents.

“That’s wise,” my father said, nodding his head with approval. He’d lost weight while in the hospital and held tightly on to my mother. I waited for one of them to hug me or even shake me. But they just stood there and looked uncomfortable. I shook my head in frustration and turned to leave.

“I don’t understand it,” my mother finally said, pulling at my sleeve to stop me. I turned around, hopeful. Maybe at last we’d talk. Really talk.

“You gave up everything.” She looked at me
with—what? Confusion, pity, disgust? “You could have gone to any college. We gave you everything. You could have been anything you wanted to be. Why did you go to jail for her? You gave up your entire future for her. I just don’t understand why?”

I took a step backward, freeing myself from my mother’s grasp.
To protect her,
I wanted to tell them.
Someone needed to protect her.
Brynn never would have survived the questions or the scrutiny from the police. She wouldn’t have been able to tell them that it was an accident, that she really thought the baby was already dead. Because I loved her, I wanted to tell them. Because she was the only one who helped me when I wasn’t perfect. They wouldn’t have understood, no matter what I said.

“Was it worth it, Allison?” my mother persisted. “Was she worth all the lies?”

“Yes,” I said plainly, my unwavering gaze matching my mother’s. “Brynn was worth it.”

In the end, I didn’t protect Brynn from anything. I thought I had done the right thing in taking the blame. I wanted to spare her any more pain. I guess I just prolonged the inevitable. I hope she found peace in her life for a little while, found the love and support she deserved while she lived with our grandmother. Found some comfort in her pets.

“Well.” My father halfheartedly clapped his hands together. “How about I write you a check just to get you
off to a good start?” he offered, as if this would make everything okay. I had no job, nowhere to live and was completely broke. Common sense warranted I should take the money.

“No, thank you,” I said, and that was that. So this was what it came down to for my parents and me. They would never see me graduate from college, never see me marry or have children. I wondered at my mother. Were her tears for the loss of Brynn, the loss of me? Did she cry because we didn’t turn out to be the daughters she had hoped us to be? I’d never know.

After my parents walked away from me and back to the quiet, isolated life they had made for themselves, I found my grandmother. She was standing by Brynn’s grave site, crying softly. “Grandma?” I said quietly. “Are you okay?” I put my hand on her shoulder.

“I thought she was doing better.” She sniffled. “She was seeing that doctor. She was on a good path with her classes and her animals.”

“Oh, Grandma,” I said, beginning to cry again. “It’s all my fault. It wasn’t her fault about the baby. It was mine.”

My grandma pulled me into her strong, thick arms. I towered over her. “Allison, honey, there is plenty of fault to be passed around.”

My grandma released me and we slowly walked to
her car. “Are your parents going to try and see that little boy?” she asked.

“No. Do you really think Joshua should be anywhere near my parents?” I made a face and shuddered at the thought.

“No, I guess not. Did you get to say goodbye to him? To Joshua?” She took my hand.

“No. The Kelbys obviously want nothing to do with me and I guess I understand that. I haven’t seen Joshua since that night at the bookstore.”

“You helped save his life. That’s something.”

“They’re good people, but I’m just a terrible reminder to them. Even though I had nothing to do with Brynn trying to drown Joshua, I know they will never trust me again. I should have quit the bookstore the minute I realized who Joshua was. I should have never told Brynn about him.”

I watched as my grandmother opened her car door and wondered how things might have been different if she had been around more when Brynn and I were little. The few memories I had of visiting her and staying at her home were wonderful. I remembered playing with Brynn among our grandma’s flowers, burying our noses in the velvety petals of snow-white peonies and waving away bumblebees that scolded us for invading their territory. Would her kindness have changed things?

“Do you want a ride?” she asked.

“No, thanks. Olene is waiting for me.”

“One more hug,” she ordered with a smile, and I leaned down and embraced her.

“And, Allison,” she said as she slid into the car and inserted the key into the ignition with her swollen, knotty fingers, “if you need to—if you want to—you are more than welcome to come stay with me in New Amery for a while. For as long as you’d like.”

“Really?” I asked in surprise. I wanted nothing more than to leave Linden Falls behind and just drive away with my grandmother. “I have a few things to finish up here,” I told her regretfully. “Can I come when I’m done? In a few days or so?”

“Of course,” she said. “You come when you’re ready. You’ll get the chance to meet Brynn’s pets.”

“I can’t wait,” I told her, and leaned through the car window to peck her on the cheek.

I wish I had been a better sister, I wish I could have been there to help Brynn. But I couldn’t. When things got difficult, Brynn could only see bleakness and despair. She saw no glimmer of hope that things would ever get better. She thought that without his sister, Joshua could never be happy. I don’t know that anyone could have saved Brynn from herself. But I can save myself. I can be happy.

As I walked toward Olene and the others, I remembered how Olene told me to meet the world with hope in my heart. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.

I know that I will never see Joshua Kelby—my son—again. But I have hope that he will grow up strong and happy and well-loved. I have hope that when the time is right, his parents will say to him,
There once was a girl who loved you enough to give you the world.
I hope.

Currently all fifty states have enacted Safe Haven laws. Though the details of the laws vary from state to state, the intention is to provide a safe place for parents or another person who has the parent’s permission to leave an infant at a hospital or health care facility without fear of arrest for abandonment.

In the state of Iowa, when an infant is left at a Safe Haven site, the health care facility will contact a child protective worker. The Department of Human Services will immediately notify the Juvenile Court and the County Attorney, and request an Ex Parte Order from the Juvenile Court ordering the Department of Human Services to take custody of the child. Once the infant has been examined by medical personnel the child may be placed in foster care. The date and time of the hearing to terminate parental rights will be published in the newspaper. Parents are not required to attend the court hearing, which must be held within thirty days of the discovery of the infant at the Safe Haven location.

No clear statistics have been gathered regarding the number of children relinquished at Safe Haven sites.
States, counties and individual communities do not maintain data in a consistent manner.

The laws are not without controversy. Some opponents believe that Safe Haven laws promote the abandonment of children and discourage women from seeking prenatal and postnatal medical care and counseling, thus endangering the health of both the mother and the baby. Opponents argue that they create a legislative Band-Aid, instead of addressing the root causes of baby abandonment and infanticide. Proponents of the laws herald the lives saved and the anonymity the programs provide in protecting parents.

If you have any questions regarding your state’s Safe Haven program you may contact any local health care facility or Department of Human Services.

Heather Gudenkauf

1. Charm, Claire and Allison all serve as Joshua’s mother at some point in the novel. In the end, who is the best mother? Why do you think so? How does each of these characters evolve throughout the story?

2. The women in the story all love Joshua in their own way. What else do they have in common? What are their differences?

3. Describe Charm’s relationship with her mother. How does Charm demonstrate her determination to be different from her mother? What qualities do they share?

4. Olene, the director of the halfway house where Allison resides, tells her to “meet the world with hope in your heart.” What does this quote mean for each of the main characters? What does it mean for your own life?

5. Water is consistently referenced throughout the novel. What is its significance? What message do you think the author is trying to relate to the reader?

6. Many of the characters in this novel have hopes and expectations for their family members that are not met. How do the various characters deal with their disappointment? Are their reactions justified? Do you relate to this in your own life?

7. We see glimpses of Allison and Brynn’s parents through each girl’s eyes. How have their parents shaped each girl? How have their roles in their family defined their relationship? How have your parents shaped you?

8. How does public perception of Allison and Brynn differ from how the sisters view themselves—and each other? How does this change throughout the book? How did
your
perceptions of Brynn and Allison change as you learned more about each character?

9. It is Christopher that connects Allison to Charm, yet his presence in the story is seen only through the eyes of women in his life. What was your impression of Christopher? Why do you think Allison fell in love with him?

10. In
These Things Hidden,
several characters take on the role of a parent—for example, Devin, Olene, Gus—for a child to whom they are not biologically related. What makes a good parent? Has there been anyone in your life who has represented the role of a parent for you? Have you done this for anyone in your life?

What inspired you to write this book?

I came up for the idea for
These Things Hidden
after I heard a radio news story describing how a deeply concerned Pope Innocent III created the Medieval foundling wheel in the twelfth century. The Pope, after becoming aware of the large number of unwanted newborns that were caught within fishermen’s nets after they were tossed into the Tiber River by their desperate mothers, ordered the construction of rotating platforms located in the walls of churches in Rome that allowed women to anonymously leave their newborns with the nuns inside the church walls. Eventually this idea evolved into modern day Safe Haven laws which allow parents to safely relinquish a child without fear of arrest for abandonment. From this, I decided to write a story about an infant left at a Safe Haven site in Iowa and the four women who pass in and out of his life.

In your opinion, what are the main themes in this book?

Key themes and points in
These Things Hidden
include the bond between sisters and what it means to be a mother in its many forms. Water is also a consistent theme throughout the novel: how it relates to birth, its power to transform, cleanse, and even its destructive properties.

In both
These Things Hidden
and your first novel,
The Weight of Silence,
you use alternating viewpoints to take us into the hearts and minds of your characters. Tell us a bit about what it’s like to write from more than one viewpoint.

I really try to create characters that are very
different from one another and try to only write from one character’s point of view each day. Whether it be a mother or a sister or a child or a teenager, it is so much fun to step into a different person’s perspective each day. I always have to ask myself,
What would this character do if I put her in this particular situation?

Were any characters particularly special to you?

In
These Things Hidden
I fell in love with the character of Charm Tullia, a teenager who despite her difficult childhood has a great capacity for love. Though she has been disappointed over and over by her selfish mother Charm believes in the strength of a parent’s love and tenderly takes care of her ill stepfather while trying to also protect a child. I also found myself admiring Allison Glen—at the beginning of the novel she appears cold and calculating but as the novel progresses a more vulnerable, complex Allison is revealed.