Read The World of Karl Pilkington Online
Authors: Karl Pilkington,Stephen Merchant,Ricky Gervais
The World of Karl Pilkington (13 page)
Steve:
Another question, ‘Karl, other than the famous boxing match that you have often talked about’ – I know that took up about twenty minutes of your time – ‘have you ever been in any other kind of fight?’ I don’t suppose a slanging match, I think we’re talking of ever being in a physical fight.
Karl:
Once that I can remember. It was over a woman. Well a girl, at school. It’s hassle, innit, relationships when you’re younger?
Ricky:
How old were you?
Karl:
About seven.
Steve:
It was over a woman?
Karl:
There was this girl knocking about who, you know, she was quite good looking and everybody liked, and me mate, he really liked her, and I didn’t sort of ask her out and that, but she just sort of took a shine to me, and stuff, right. And I really didn’t go out with her properly. It’s at that age where going out with someone is just like sort of going, ‘Alright’ in the mornings. D’you know what I mean?
Steve:
Go on.
Karl:
You just sort of nod your head and that. Anyway there was some sort of school disco and they were playing spin the bottle or something, right, and I sort of wandered over to see what was going on and I stood on this girl’s dress and put a hole in it. And she started crying. I was like, ‘Oh I can’t be doing with this’ right. You know, ‘What’s up with you?’ And everyone’s going, ‘Karl what are you doing? That’s meant to be your girlfriend and that. You should be sort of saying, “Oh I’m sorry” and giving her a hug and all that and saying, “It’ll be alright, we’ll sort the dress out”.’ I said, ‘Oh, I can’t be dealing with this.’ So she’s crying her eyes out. I said, ‘It’s over.’
Ricky:
‘It’s over.’ You saying ‘Alright’ in the morning? Yeah, there’s no more ‘Alright’ in the morning.
Karl:
So I go to the toilet, right, and this lad who fancies her comes in and goes, ‘You’re out of order.’ I’m saying, ‘What’re you on about?’
Ricky:
So there’s two seven-year-olds? ‘You’re out of order!’ ‘Keep out of it.’
Steve:
‘Cut it out. Show her a bit of bloody respect.’
Ricky:
Sorry, were you wearing trilbys?
Steve:
Yeah. He put his cigarette out in the sink and just said, ‘Leave it.’
Ricky:
‘Get outta my face.’
Karl:
I said, ‘Look, why are you getting involved?’ And it was obviously because he fancied her. We had a bit of a fight in there. I accidentally sort of chipped his tooth on a sink.
Ricky:
Sorry, this is like something from
Lock, Stock and
Two Smoking Barrels
. What are you talking about? Two seven-year-olds in a toilet?
Steve:
And you put a hole in her dress? What were you wearing – football boots? How did you make a hole in her dress? You were wearing winklepickers?
Karl:
It was a dress made of like crepe, you know what I mean, it was like a crepe dress or something and that had got a hole in it.
Steve:
So when you say you’re having a fight, I mean are you wrestling with him, you’ve got arm locks and head locks going on?
Karl:
A little bit of wrestling and shoving about and that – and it was an accident. I didn’t sort of go, ‘Right I’m going to break your teeth or anything.’ It’s just that I happened to push his head down and his tooth hit the sink and it chipped and what have you. After that I sort of left there and stuff and we had to go into assembly, and there was a copper in there doing some presentation, saying, ‘Listen kids, don’t get into trouble because we’re out there and we’ll get you.’ Sort of trying to teach the young kids not to get into any trouble and stuff. So I’m sat in the assembly room, thinking, ‘Oh God there’s a copper here talking and me mate’s gonna come in in a minute with a chipped tooth and everything.’
Steve:
‘Questions are gonna get asked …’
Karl:
That’s what kind of happened. I mean the coppers didn’t get involved.
Steve:
Did you turn your back on violence after that then?
Karl:
That was the sort of last fight I had.
Ricky:
Karl, what do you think it’s like being a crab? If you could put your mind into a crab, what would you see? Where would you be, what would you be doing? What would you be thinking? What’s it like, do you think? It’s like creative writing, just think, just let yourself go, come on …
Karl:
It’s got to be a crab?
Ricky:
What do you think of a slug? What would you do if you were transported now into a slug? You’re suddenly in the kitchen but you’re a slug and Suzanne’s there just making tea and that. How would you let her know it’s you?
Karl:
It’s impossible. I’d just chuck myself into the salt pot or something.
Ricky laughs
.
Karl:
No, because what do you do? I’d hate that. That’d be horrible that.
Steve:
Have you ever read Franz Kafka’s
Metamorphosis
, in which a man wakes up and he’s turned into a giant beetle and that’s the whole story? I think it might be of interest to you.
Karl:
So what happened to him with the beetle?
Steve:
Well I don’t want to ruin it for you in case you read it.
Karl:
No I won’t be reading it, don’t worry.
Ricky:
He joined a pop group with three other people, he was brilliant.
Steve:
No, it’s a really wonderful book. It’s almost heartbreaking because of course, as Ricky says, he finds it very hard then to relate to other people even though he still has the consciousness of a human. His parents, the rest of his family, they don’t know how to deal with him because he’s a giant beetle. He becomes a freak. He becomes an outsider.
Karl:
But hang on though – is he a
giant
beetle?
Ricky:
Yes.
Karl:
Well, yeah, that’s not gonna go down well is it? Of course people aren’t gonna like you. But if it’s a normal sized one then you just get in with the other beetles don’t you.
Ricky:
How would you do that? How would you ingratiate yourself? You’re suddenly a beetle but you’re Karl Pilkington, right. There’s other beetles, they’re doing their business, they are scuttling around. And you go in there and they look at you as a new beetle. What do you do, how do you ingratiate yourself?
Karl:
Well I wouldn’t sort of barge into their house and that. I’d wait until they’re out and about and – like in life – I’d sort of help ’em out. I don’t know what beetles do all day. I have never seen one doing anything. They just seem to be going from one place to another. I have never seen ’em carrying anything. I don’t know what they eat. I don’t know what they do. I don’t know why we’ve got ’em. But what I mean is, I’d watch ’em and I’d sort of help ’em out, and I mean you know, it’s like going on a date or meeting a woman, innit?
Steve:
Whoa, hang on. What do you mean, how is it like going on a date with a woman?
Karl:
Well, it’s like I said about Suzanne with her hot chocolate. She bought me that and I’ve gone, ‘She’s alright.’ She gets me another one and before I know it she’s living with me.
Ricky:
So all these beetles, they are scrabbling around. You are watching them and then you realise that you want to mate with this female beetle. What do you do? What’s your first move?
Karl:
Yeah, but I don’t know what beetles do, do I, so I don’t know what you do. I don’t know if you go up and go, ‘Alright.’ What do they do? How do they get on? It’s a different world. I don’t know yet, do I, ’cos I haven’t done it.
Ricky:
Would you feel bad? Having your own mind in this beetle, would you feel bad shagging a beetle? Would you think that that was a bit sick because you’ve got a human mind?
Karl:
Well no, ’cos you’d just close your eyes and that, wouldn’t you, and go ‘Pretend, think of summit else.’ So get round it that way. There’s no point in getting down about it because I’m stuck now as a beetle, so you’ve got to get on with it.
Ricky:
But as a slug you said you’d throw yourself in the salt pot. What would you do as a beetle if you got depressed?
Karl:
No, that’s what I am saying though. Beetles are different ’cos they do tend to hang about with each other. A slug is always on its own. It’s a lonely insect, innit?
Ricky:
It’s not an insect.
Karl:
Right, what is it?
Ricky:
A mollusc.
Karl:
Right. They’re lonely. I’ve never seen a load of snails all together or slugs wandering about whereas beetles seem to knock about in crowds.
Ricky:
Oh God.
Steve:
So they’re sociable creatures and it wouldn’t bother you that you have got the mind of Karl Pilkington in there, because you can’t communicate with these beetles because they don’t speak English.
Karl:
Yeah, but if it’s happened to me there’ll be another one in there.
Ricky:
Okay, what would you do if you were suddenly a fly, right, and you were knocking about with other flies and you had to land on some excrement? What would you do?
Karl:
Yeah, but I don’t have to.
Ricky:
What do you mean? You’re a fly – you’re loving it.
Karl:
No, I wouldn’t be loving it, would I.
Ricky:
Why?
Karl:
Because I’m me in that fly’s head, so I don’t think other flies would be going, ‘Come on, join in.’ I’d just be like, ‘No, I’ll wait here’ and wait and watch and that.
