The Tragedy of Loving Jamie Clarke (9 page)

-12-

The party was still going strong and my parents were onto their third cocktail when Jamie and I skipped out early; and since the Hills offered to drive my parents’ home I am not in charge of carrying them to their bed.

The house is eerily quiet as we enter the foyer. My parents left the living room and kitchen lights on at the house so it’s bright enough for us not to trip and fall on any wayward furniture but somehow it still doesn’t seem bright enough. I flip the light on in the hallway and stand in the archway of the living room.

“You really do look beautiful tonight,” Jamie stammers as he strides towards me.

My knees are shaking and my heart is banging against my chest so loudly I swear my neighbors can hear it. My Jamie Bond smiles at me and I swear, he knows what I’m thinking. This is the first time that he and I have ever truly been alone.

              “Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself,” I stammer. “Jamie, thank you again for coming tonight. I know it wasn’t where you really wanted to be but I appreciate you being there anyway.”

              Jamie wraps his arms around my waist and my body comes alive as the warmth of his hands meets my clammy skin. I almost forgot that waiting for me upstairs is the plastic and metal cage that, after tonight, I’ll once again return to.

              “I would do anything for you or don’t you know that by now?”

              “I love you Jamie,” I whisper.

Jamie smiles and plants a kiss lightly on my cheek and moves to my forehead and down to my neck. His hands begin to make their way from my waist to my neck and then twist around in my hair. My lungs fill up with air almost as quickly as they release it, which is making it really hard to breathe. I curl my fingers through Jamie’s hair as his lips part mine. Pins and needles attack my legs and work their way up, moving slowly but increasing every second. I close my eyes and fall into his kiss as he presses his body harder against mine. Is this really happening? Are we about to do what I’ve been thinking about doing with him from the moment we met?

“Jamie,” I say, in between kisses. “Stop.”

He pulls back slowly and leans out so he’s far enough from my face to allow me to speak without spitting all over him. But his arms remain hard pressed around my back.

              “Are you okay?” his voice trembles and his hands fall from me. “Am I moving too fast? Shit, I am aren’t I? I swore I’d never be that guy. He slumps against the wall and punches his hands together. It’s not funny but a giggle rises from the pit of my stomach. Our roles, for the first time since we started going out, have changed. Tonight, Jamie is the self-conscious one who has the irrational freak-out and I am the one in charge of reassuring
him
that everything is going to be okay.

              “It’s okay,” I say as I slide next to him against the wall. “You weren’t going too fast, Jamie.”

              “I was, ugh God, I am that guy that I hate!”
              “Don’t be ridiculous. Do you want to know why I said stop?” Jamie shrugs and nods repeatedly. “Because, and I don’t want to jump to any conclusions as to where the night is heading but, I don’t want our first time to be in the foyer of my house. I’m pretty sure that my parents walking in on us would kill the moment.”

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him into me. He kisses my forehead and bursts into a fit of laughter at the idea of my parents walking in and seeing their naked daughter and her boyfriend on the floor of the foyer.

“Somehow I think your parents wouldn’t like me so much after that,” Jamie teases as he slides to his feet. He reaches out his hand for mine and pulls me up. “Seriously, April, we don’t have to do this if you’re not ready. It’s not like I came tonight expecting anything to happen.”

I lean in and kiss him for longer than I normally would. His silky lips quiver over mine with every breath and I am not sure I can wait another minute to
truly
be with him.

“Jamie, I love you and if that isn’t proof enough that I’m ready for this then let me show you,” I whisper.

I take his hand and lead him upstairs and into my bedroom. I take a deep breath and flip on the light as thousands of prying eyes stare down at us. Why did I have to hang so many posters? Now I know what Amber meant when she said I’d never have any privacy in here, not really.

“I think, for the first time ever, I am regretting hanging this many posters on my walls.”

“Don’t. They may seem intrusive at this moment but don’t ever regret what you love,” Jamie insists. “I may not be a fan of theirs and I might never truly understand their appeal, but your devotion to them is part of what I love about you.”

“So you love the fact that I am also in love with five other men?”

“Hey, like I’ve said before, guys like a challenge,” Jamie teases and kisses me playfully.

We continue to kiss playfully, at first, but then we sink into each other like melting butter.  Jamie kisses the base of my neck and makes his way to the edge of my jawbone. He slowly lowers me onto the bed, resting his hand behind my head, and slithers his hands through my hair and across the width of my upper back. Each touch of his finger ignites the pins and needles that had subsided briefly. Our lips meet and part one another as Jamie pushes his body firmly against me. My heart pounds against Jamie’s chest as the final piece of my clothing floats to the ground. This is it,

A haze falls over my eyes and everything, except Jamie, fades into the background.

-13-

My parents
go overboard
for the Christmas holiday, more twinkling lights then I can count and a blow-up Santa Claus and his reindeer flying off the roof. On the front lawn trees and bushes blink in-sync with some of my dad‘s favorite Christmas songs. I have trouble falling asleep sometimes and one year our neighbors demanded we tone down our “chaotic display”. Of course, Dad being the stubborn man that he is, the decorations never changed.

The interior of the house is no different. A 6-foot tree stands in our living room and every ornament we’ve ever collected since I was a baby dangles along the sides of the walls. Twinkling lights race through all the rooms, and green wreaths with a large red bow hang off every window and a frighteningly large balloon Santa stands guard in the foyer. My parents dress for the season wearing a red or green article of clothing for 25 days in December and want me to do the same. “I’ll wear red socks, even green underwear but I am not wearing a Santa hat to school! “I had to tell them forcefully.

Despite the hiccups I’ve had so far this year, I’m feeling really festive. It is the first Christmas that I’ll have a boyfriend to celebrate with. Jamie is going to spend Christmas Eve with me and Christmas Day with his family and next year we’ll switch. I am not sure who is more excited about it, my parents or me. Immediately after I told them the plan they ran out to buy him presents. I have found plenty of gifts for my parents, Grammy and Amber. I, however, cannot find anything suitable for Jamie. This is our first Christmas together and I want it to be special, although I doubt anything will ever be able to top what happened after The Anchor’s Halloween party. 

With Christmas less than a week away Amber is my last hope. Today she must help me find something for Jamie, something perfect. Jamie is the only reason I have been able to survive this school year and he helped me find strength I never knew I had.

After the incident with the master lock, Jamie has been at my side every day and if someone says something about my brace he’ll have some kind of comeback. Last week when Andrew Hijinks shouted, “Hey Robocop don’t hurt me!” Jamie put his arm around me and screamed so everyone around heard, “If you don’t shut your mouth
she
won’t be the one hurting you!” He even came with me to see Dr. Meresh last week when I had a follow up appointment.

Newsflash! The brace isn’t coming off anytime soon!  “We’ll get through this, April,” Jamie had said when the disappointing appointment had ended. He has been behind me unconditionally and treating my situation as though it were his own, and I have to find a way to thank him.

“You need to relax April, you’re too tense. We’re in a mall with tons of stores ripe for the picking. There should be a smile on your face,” Amber says as we walk through the sliding doors of The Mall. She is an avid shopper and gets a high from spending money on meaningless items. “Or does Jamie need to give
it
to you again to loosen you up?”

We had to drive almost an hour to Portland where four levels of mall await us with ceilings higher than mall ceilings should be. Twinkling lights, wreaths with giant red bows and miniaturized Christmas trees greet us as we enter the main section of stores. Hordes of people rush by us as they try to find the gifts for their loved ones. I think Amber is the only one who has a smile on her face.

“Shut up, Amber. Don’t make me regret telling you,” I threaten.

“Okay, okay. So where to?” Amber says, throwing her hands in the air in defeat.

“I don’t know where to start,” I whine as Amber skips toward Macy’s. “I do however, know that I am not going to find anything for Jamie in there.”

“You could always give him sex for Christmas. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a good old fashioned banging,” Amber twirls like a Ballerina. I curl my lips and furrow my eyebrows as I fold my arms across my chest. I’m too stressed out over what to get for Jamie to deal with her sex jokes. “Ugh, fine. But we’re stopping here before we leave,” Amber says, pointing at Macy’s and blowing a raspberry in my direction.

Not that she ever buys any perfume but she likes walking through the section and taking the free samples that the sales girls hand out.

“How about in here?” I ask pointing to the bright yellow and blue Best Buy sign. “Boys love electronics.” Amber’s face contorts the way my mom’s does when I do something that she considers bad. “What? No good?”

“You love Jamie right? You don’t buy the boy you’re in love with something from
Best Buy
, April. Trust me on this one. Once I bought ex number three, Christopher Jenkins, a Metallic box set from there and I was all excited to give it to him because it was his favorite band. You remember how many times he made us listen to Ride the Lighting right?”

“At least a hundred times a week,” I reply.

“Right, well after I gave him the doomed box set he freaked out. He was convinced that because I had gotten him an ‘obvious’ gift from the most typical store ever,’ I was cheating on him. As you remember, we broke up a few weeks later.”

“Seriously? Because of a box set? You said you broke up because he was boring.”

“Well, he was but that wasn’t why we broke up.”

“That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Jamie would never break up with me over a stupid thing like that.”

“Or so you’d think.”

I roll my eyes but I walk away from Best Buy anyway.

We swing by a few stores that I toy with the idea of entering but each time Amber pulls me back and gives me some ridiculous reason or another. Over an hour has passed and I haven’t found anything that resembles a possible present for Jamie. This is pointless I am never going to find anything.  My feet are starting to hurt, my stomach is growling and I’m getting fed up.

“This is useless,” I say throwing myself down in defeat on the nearest bench.

“This is your problem, you give up too easily,” Amber says swinging her bag of unnecessary new clothing at my legs. “Let’s just keep looking.”

I don’t want to get up. I want to stay here on this bench and wallow in defeat. There is nothing in the whole of the world that is good enough to give to Jamie. Maybe I should cancel the boyfriend aspect of Christmas. It’s kind of early to be splitting the holidays anyway, isn’t it? Besides, what if he isn’t getting me anything? What if I’ve been freaking out over nothing because he expects that we’re not exchanging gifts?

“Look, let’s just head back. We’ve been at this for hours,” I suggest.

“Okay Drama Queen we’ve been here for less than two hours. Now get off your lazy ass and let’s go find that boy something spectacular!”

Amber has always been able to say things in such a way that gives me that extra kick in the butt when I need it most. She was the one to get me out of the house when I wanted nothing more than to keep myself locked in my room all year with my brace.

“Ugh, fine but if we don’t find anything in the next hour we’re leaving. Deal?” I say sticking my hand out.

“You’re impossible. Deal,” Amber replies shoving her hand in mine for a sealing-the-deal-handshake. “Let’s think for a second. What are some of Jamie’s likes and dislikes?”

Ha! Like I haven’t tried this game before. I will humor her anyway.

“He likes music, all genres. He doesn’t like
getting lost
. He likes watching movies but hates those made-for-TV movies. He doesn’t like being labeled by the clothes he wears so he changes his style on a daily basis, which means clothing is out.”

“Girl, clothing would be out even if he was the most labeled boy on the planet,” Amber giggles. “You need to think bigger than materialistic things.”

“Okay, like what?”

“What am I your therapist?” I know she is going to give me examples but since she’s Amber she has to screw with me first. It’s sort of her thing. Apparently I’m entertaining when I’m squirming. “Ugh, fine if you insist.” But I didn’t. “Okay so for example: Alex is really into Monster Trucks, like really into them, and I could have easily bought him tickets to some Monster Truck show for his birthday last month. I mean in any world that would be a great gift for someone like him but then I remembered this story he told me about how a few weeks before his dad died, they had gone on this weekend fishing trip. He said that everything about that day was perfect; from the dew on the water to the way the sun rose over the shore like one of those Bob Ross paintings. For hours they sat in a two-person raft with their fishing poles cast into the water waiting for fish to bite and talking about everything. The way Alex spoke about that lake and the boat and that day it clicked for me and although I could never bring his father back I knew exactly what I would get him for his birthday. Next weekend I’m taking him to that same lake in the same tiny boat and we’re going to fish using the same rods he and his dad used that day. He practically cried when I told him and everything just kind of came together. That’s what I mean by digging deeper. That’s what really says, I love you.”

I’ve never heard Amber be so serious before. I mean sure she has her brief moments, like when her aunt died three-years-ago but most of the time she’s the least serious person I know. She makes a lot of sense though. Thinking deeper, not focusing on what materialistic gift would be the best thing for him but what would
mean
the most to him. I’m trying to think of the many deep conversations Jamie and I have had but I can’t come up with anything.

“Ugh, I can’t think of anything meaningful. I suck!” I shout resting my head in my hands and rocking back and forth. “We have had conversations, deep ones. How is it I cannot come up with a single thing that would mean more to him then some stupid CD?”

“Alright I think I know what you need,” Amber says pulling me off the bench.

“Peppermint coffee?” I ask dragging behind.

“Peppermint coffee.”

Amber and I have this thing; when either of us is really freaking out about something and on the brink of a nervous breakdown we get a cup of peppermint coffee. After a few sips we’d forget whatever it was that was freaking us out and be doubled
over with
laughter. It is our special thing.

We order our drinks from a nearby coffee cafe and sit on a bench and do what we do best in public places…people watch. An elderly couple breeze by with their hands intertwined. Their faces mirror the years spent together. The man, still blessed with a full head of silver hair, kisses his wife gently as they continue on their day of shopping. It’s a simple gesture but it’s obvious that they’re still in love. I wonder if Jamie and I will be together till we’re the ones with silver hair, old and wrinkled but still pleased to have one another’s company. “Do you think you can love only one person for the rest of your life?” I ask Amber.

Amber nearly chokes on her coffee. I didn’t plan on asking her because I didn’t realize I was thinking it.

“Was that a rhetorical question or do you really want my opinion?”

I’m not really sure; part of me is dying to know what Amber thinks. She always seems to have an answer for everything that deals with matters of the heart and when she isn’t sure she makes something up that is so brilliant it might as well be true.

“I really want to know. Do you think you can love the same person for your entire life? Without wavering or being unfaithful? I say without looking up from my coffee cup. I can’t look her in the eye I’m so embarrassed at how pathetic I am for asking.

“I think anything is possible so I do think that people can stay in love, like googly-eyes, unable to keep their
hands off
one another, romance movie kind of love. I think it is incredibly rare but I think it can happen,”

Amber is as serious as she can be but there’s something in her inflection that makes me nervous. Maybe she doesn’t think Jamie and I are one of those couples who can last a lifetime? Maybe she knows something I don’t? Maybe she thinks that I am an idiot for even thinking that it is possible to love Jamie for the rest of my life? I have half a mind to ask her but the other half is too afraid to speak. Besides, Amber isn’t a fortuneteller so how
could she
know that Jamie and I won’t last? Her opinion matters but it isn’t the end all be all of, well, anything. I need to focus on the task at hand. I need to figure out what to get Jamie for our first Christmas together. I can worry about our forever later.

“Okay ,” Amber says, “so I’m in my room last night watching some stupid reality show and mom comes charging in like a bull and starts ranting about how irresponsible I am because I haven’t applied to every college in the United States yet.”

Ever since Ms. Eleanor, Amber’s guidance counselor, told the Hills that their daughter had the grades to get into an Ivy League school Mrs. Hill has been college crazy. They ordered catalogues from Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Brown, Columbia and Dartmouth and have been forcing Amber to review one catalogue a night for the last week. She has options but Amber still doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life so college is not in the forefront of her mind yet.

I know what I want to do with my life but most of the schools with the best creative writing programs are in New York and California and I’m not sure I want to move that far away. “Nope and I refuse to until I figure out what the hell I’m going to do with the rest of my life,” Amber insists. “I will not be one of those girls who goes to a college because their parents want them to. I am going to be rich and successful, doing what well that remains to be seen.”