The Insect Rosary (23 page)

Then

I woke up filthy and cold in Florence's bed. I couldn't remember getting there. All I remembered was being quiet and still and not being killed. I heard a car start up the driveway. I dragged myself out of bed and peeped over the window sill.

Dad's car, our car, rattled up the driveway with Bruce at his side. The engine shuddered as if it was trying to turn itself back on even when he'd got out of the car. I ran downstairs to see him hug Mum, then Florence and then it was my turn. Nancy wasn't there. I cried all through tea as Dad apologised for the car breaking down, for missing the boat.

Mum and Sister Agatha kept offering me food and blankets but no-one asked what had happened. Dad kept looking at me as if he was wondering but he said nothing either.

Mum put me to bed even before Florence. I left Nancy's bed and got into Florence's again. I didn't think I'd sleep but I did, badly. I woke up to the sun, but I wasn't sure whether it was morning or evening. Florence was asleep, her arms thrown over her head, and I could hear Nancy downstairs. I got up, pulled my jumper over my pyjamas, and went to Mum's room to find Dad. The door was almost closed and I pushed it partly and then fully open. I watched them standing at the window. Dad had his arm round Mum and they were looking out of the side window.

‘Poor thing,' Mum said, and rested her head on Dad's shoulder.

‘Donn will sort it out,' he said. ‘I'll ask him to do it before the girls get up.'

My stomach turned.

‘What is it?' I asked.

They both turned, spinning away from each other.

Mum smiled awkwardly. ‘How did you sleep? You must have been tired.'

‘What is it?' My breath was coming fast. I felt dizzy.

‘Nothing, Bernadette. Go and join Nancy for breakfast.'

I gulped, ‘It's a body, isn't it? There's a body!'

I ran towards them and tried to push Dad out of the way. He held my sides, lifted me up and put me on the bed.

‘The rooks have hurt a sheep, Bernie. It's not nice, we don't want you to see it.'

‘A lamb?' It wasn't a man, a person. It was a lamb. I burst into tears.

‘It was probably sick or injured,' he said. He put his arm around me and I heard him whisper to Mum. She stood by the window and he sat on the bed next to me. When I'd calmed down to sniffing and rubbed my eyes on the jumper sleeve, he made me look at him.

‘Bernie, Mum's told me that you've been sick, but I was wondering if you'd like to go on a really long trip today.'

‘What for? Where are you going?'

‘There's an important ring dyke that I've never visited, the Ring of Gullion. And,' he tipped my face up, ‘I think you need a bit of time away from here and a nice long sleep in the car. What do you think?'

I felt tired and sick, but I wasn't going to let him leave without me. He was the only person who could keep Tommy away. Tommy knew everything, when he was here and when he wasn't.

‘Take me with you,' I said. Mum caught my eye with her finger on her lips.

 

It took three goes to get the car started, choke out and foot on the accelerator. He let me release the hand brake as we left the drive without Bruce. He must have been with Donn, I thought, and then I remembered the sheep and tried not to cry again. I carefully followed where we were on the map in case Dad asked which way, but my eyes felt too heavy and I closed them just for a bit. I dreamed of darkness and knowing something was there, was following me, was catching up and woke with a gasp.

‘Are you OK?' asked Dad.

I looked down at the map. ‘Where are we?' Then I noticed the scream from the engine. ‘Why is it making that noise?'

‘It's, um, I don't know.'

Dad was frowning and shifted down a gear. The noise got quieter.

‘Dad, do the people here with guns have a good reason?'

He raised his eyebrows. ‘Does anyone with a good reason need a gun?'

I sighed. He glanced at me.

‘Sorry. No, I don't think so. They do have reasons, on both sides, but I don't see how killing people can ever be a good reason for anything. The more people get killed, the more people will be killed in the future. Both sides benefit from the deaths. They make people angry, and angry people will hold guns too. So they get bigger and more powerful and more righteous and no-one can say anything to stop them. They just say, well, my brother, my dad, my wife was murdered and I have to.'

We turned a corner and began to climb a steep hill. The engine screamed and shuddered again.

‘Oh, Christ.'

I imagined what Sister Agatha would do if she heard that. He grated the stick down to first gear. The scream came back and then there was a bang. The engine went quiet and grey smoke poured from the engine. There was another louder bang.

Dad talked quickly and lightly, ‘Let's get out of the car, OK? Take the map!'

I scrambled out, the smoke burning my eyes and throat, and stood with Dad a few feet behind the boot.

‘Will it explode?' I grabbed for his hand.

He frowned. ‘I'm not sure.' He looked at me. ‘We're a bit stuck, even if it doesn't, Bernie.'

‘Where are we?'

‘South Armagh. We were only a couple of miles away from the dyke, it's a real shame.'

We watched the car smoking for a little while.

He said, ‘I think it would have started burning if it was going to.'

Dad took the map and let go of my hand. We sat on the verge and he flicked through the pages to find us. He put his finger on a road.

I said, ‘There's was a farmhouse before we turned the corner. I saw it over the fields. We could ask for help.'

Dad smiled sadly and shook his head. ‘This isn't the kind of place where you can walk up to someone's house without being invited.'

‘But we need a phone.'

‘Trust me, Bernie, it's complicated. We'll have to walk to a village and find a phone box. Maybe there'll be a garage and they can sort the car out too.'

I could tell he was hiding something.

‘And I'll buy you something to eat while it all gets sorted. It'll be OK, right, Bernadette?'

I nodded. He stood up and pulled me up.

‘Just a bit of a walk, nothing to worry about.' He didn't look as if there was nothing to worry about.

We walked back up the hill, more quickly past the car which was still smoking. At the top he looked back at it.

‘I hope that hand brake holds. I should have left it in gear, probably.'

I could tell he was thinking of going back, so I pulled his hand and we walked down the other side of the hill.

‘Can I see the map?'

He handed it to me with his finger pointing to where we were. The village looked quite close on the map but I was used to car pace, marking off roads and places at speed. The road was all hills and after half an hour we hadn't passed another road to cross off.

‘At least the weather's nice,' Dad said.

At the top of the next hill we could still see the smoke showing where we'd stopped.

‘It's going to take hours to get there.' I handed the map back to him.

‘Can you hear a car?'

I listened and shook my head. ‘Someone might give us a lift.'

Dad looked around. ‘If someone stops just leave that decision to me. Don't say anything, promise me.'

I nodded.

He started to walk faster, dragging me a little. We were at the bottom of another hill now and there was a signpost just ahead.

‘This is good,' said Dad, ‘we're on the right track.'

Now I speeded up too. It would tell us how far and then I'd know how long it would take. Three miles an hour I could walk, Dad said, but I didn't know if that counted hills.

‘If you want to have a rest, we can,' said Dad. ‘You can tell me what's been happening. Whatever's upset you, you can tell me. I'll try to answer all your questions.'

I focussed on the signpost. I just wanted to know and then I could think about telling him, about how to tell him. We were nearly there, nearly there. I could nearly read it. Behind us there was a massive explosion and we turned together. There was much more smoke than before, black now and billowing.

‘We can't go back, Dad.'

‘What do you mean?'

I waited for him to look at me and took a deep breath, ‘Tommy killed Uncle Ryan. Please don't take me back to the farm. We have to go home. Everyone knows it's true, Dad, even Mum, and they're scared of him and he said he'll kill you and me and –'

‘Oh, Bernie,' he stroked my hair, ‘you've been really ill. You must have had some horrible nightmares. It was a sheep that died, I told you. Honestly.'

‘Dad, listen!'

‘Hold on.'

He stared up, following the smoke. We both heard the engine this time as the army truck raced up to us and screeched to a halt across the road. Four soldiers jumped out, guns pointing at us.

‘Get down on the ground! Get the fuck down!'

Now

‘An hour and half to check-in,' Adrian shouted. ‘Can we make it?'

‘Yes, book it!' Bernie shooed the children upstairs, ‘Ten minutes and we're gone. Anything that gets left is your responsibility. We're not coming back for it. Go!'

The girls squealed and ran past Nancy. She heard them arguing over whose bag was whose.

Elian was already in the bedroom with the cases zipped up on the bed.

‘You're very prepared,' said Nancy. ‘Eager to leave?'

‘I'm just eager to see something else.' He looked at her sideways. ‘I do understand why you had to come. But, really, it's a god-forsaken place. If you're not emotionally attached to it, I suppose.'

‘I suppose.' She was trying to be placatory, but couldn't. ‘No, it's a fabulous place. I just went about it all wrong. We should have had a car, we should have done more. I messed up and tried to recreate a childhood holiday with an adult. But I've come to decision about Hurley.'

‘You have? Do I have a say?'

‘Yes, but so does he. I say no drugs. He doesn't learn like other children, so what? He's not hopeless, he's just different. He doesn't need to be doped up. I am going to fight for him, not the version that makes his teacher's life easier.'

Elian nodded.

‘What do you say?'

Elian fiddled with the locks on the cases. ‘Life is easier if you play by the rules.' He looked up. ‘But we'll ask him. After the holiday.' He put the cases on the floor. ‘I'll see if he's done.'

Nancy carried down the two wheeled cases to the hallway. Bernie went past her with a laundry bag.

‘Is that what you brought your stuff in?'

‘Most of it. It's easier to fling it in the roof box. Want a go?'

‘I'm OK. I'm just going to take a few photos. I meant to take loads and never got around to it. How long until the off?'

Bernie checked her watch. ‘Fifteen minutes, but if anyone else asks it's five.'

‘I'll be quick.'

Nancy went past the car and round the side of the house. She wanted a picture of the blue door before it disintegrated or the sun ate the last colour from it. There was a tangle of metal in front of it but that was fine. It was part of it now. She took her phone from her pocket and pressed the camera app. While she was focussing, framing it just right, the battery beeped and died. She realised that she'd been hearing beeps all morning, but not quite pinning them to her phone. She'd have no chance to charge it now. She stared at the door and fixed it in her mind. That would do.

She picked her way back to the gate. The car was surrounded.

‘Did you pack the charger, Elian?'

‘Yep.'

Bernie was ordering people into certain seats for political reasons.

‘Not next to each other. You'll fight.'

Adrian was locking the roof box.

Nancy looked up at the house. Of course it was brilliantly sunny today. The house didn't look worn and unloved as it did on their arrival, it looked experienced. It looked beautiful. Her throat tightened and she swallowed.

‘One minute!'

Nancy ran back upstairs and fetched the box with the shells. She gave it to Bernie.

‘Don't forget this.'

‘Police car!' shouted Erin, pointing. ‘Everyone act normal!'

Nancy stood next to Bernie and they watched the car drive down the road around the farm, past the far entrance.

‘Did you call them?' whispered Nancy.

‘They may find something. Worth a go.'

Nancy looked back to the house as Donn appeared in the doorway. She wondered if he thought the police had been coming up this drive.

‘It's a puppy!' shouted Maeve.

‘Don't you dare undo that seatbelt!' shouted Bernie.

Nancy walked up to him. She felt that she should say something but had no idea what.

‘I'll write,' she said.

He half nodded, half shrugged.

Bernie was in the driver's seat. The engine started.

‘Come on, Nancy, we have to go!'

She waved at Donn and climbed into the middle between Erin and Maeve. They pulled down the gravel driveway and Nancy had to look back. She never usually looked back.

Bernie pulled out onto the road.

‘Did you get your photos?'

‘No. My phone died.'

‘I took loads,' said Maeve. ‘Here.'

She handed Nancy her DSi and helped her click to the gallery.

‘Thanks,' said Nancy. Her throat tightened again.

‘I did too,' said Erin, ‘but mine broke.'

‘Yes, OK, Erin,' said Bernie. ‘No need to bring it up again.'

Nancy could hear Elian talking to Hurley in the rear two seats.

‘Wow, a ferry trip. I've never done this, only a little rowing boat. It'll be fun.' He raised his voice, ‘Will there be WiFi on the ferry?'

Bernie said, ‘There's WiFi everywhere except the middle of nowhere.'

Elian paused. ‘Is that a yes?'

‘Who knows?'

Nancy caught Bernie's eye in the rear view mirror.

Bernie said, ‘I have some barley twists and aniseed balls for the journey.'

‘Sounds exciting,' said Elian, dubiously.

‘It's a tradition,' said Nancy, trying to keep the smile out of her voice.