The Hand That Holds Mine (2 page)

Oh gees that stupid business idea, again. No one in their right mind is going to invest money in
another
, fine dining restaurant - especially one that Mitch runs with all his experience as a fry cook. Mitch gives me an evil glare when he catches me rolling my eyes. “Mitch, I think I am really sick and should see a doctor.”

“So go see a doctor, you know where the hospital is. I don’t have time to play nursemaid to you, Adeline, I have to go out and try to keep us in this nice home. You’re a big girl, you know how to take care of yourself.” Mitch checks his look over once more before he kisses me on the cheek and races out the door.

Mitch left me soon after he found out that I have Cancer. He said he shouldn’t feel bad for wanting to live his life to the fullest and not be held back by me. He wants children he said - as if that isn’t what I want too. I would fight for him but I would rather die alone than live my life fighting for a man that so clearly has no love for me.

As of three months ago, the cancer had spread and was beyond what any doctor could do. I could feel sorry for myself but instead I want to put all the energy I have left, into this last novel. The pressure to do so, however, is causing writers block, something I have rarely had. I have a hero but I cannot see him and he has no heroine to fight for. Towards the end of the night I have progressed no further on my novel and I have no energy left to continue trying. When the pain starts to rise, I race to get my pills down before the nausea begins. I don’t make it. Cringing, I hold tight to my towel trying to bear through it. My stubbornness won’t allow any of my friends to be bothered and with my family gone, I face this alone. I have to write, it’s my only escape from the pain. My books are all I have, they give me life when I don’t otherwise. No one understands that. No one believes how they carry me away from my struggles, my lost dreams, and lessen my declining hope.
No one understands.

“I understand, Adeline,” I feel a strong hand take hold of mine, instantly startling me, but the warmth and the strength within it, calms me and allows me to sleep, peacefully.

~
Adeline ~

 
As the doctor looks me over and declares not much has changed, I wonder why I even bothered coming here but then I remember that he is the only one that can write prescriptions for my pain killers. He decides on something new, something a little stronger but only if I take a multitude of other meds with it. When I finish, Deb treats me to lunch out and allows me to order something I want for a change.

“So what did the doctor say?” She asks with an innocent expression.

“Why do you ask me things that you already know the answers to? I know you talked to him too. If you drive me anymore crazy because of what he said I am not going to allow you to take me to any more of my appointments.”

“I wouldn’t have to if you would let me get you into that special care facility I told you about.”

“Oh that’s what I want, to spend my last days around a bunch of people who are dying.” Before she starts to argue with me I try to think of something that will help change the subject. “I had the strangest dream last night.” I say abruptly earning an eye roll, which I purposely ignore. “I was feeling sick and then I suddenly felt this man take hold of my hand and sooth my pain somehow. It seemed so real, I almost believed that it happened when I woke up this morning.”

“I hope he was hot.” Deb says with a smile.

“Me too, but I didn’t see him to know. He only took hold of my hand and said he understood.”

“Understood what?” She asks stopping eating to look at me.

I usually confide in Deb about everything but this information may be a little much for her to handle. To spare her anymore stress and pain, I shrug as if I can’t recall, “Not sure, I must have been watching too much television. Got an idea in my head about the book maybe.”

“How is the book coming, anyway?” She asks, while I groan into my hands.

 
“I have a name for my hero and I think he is searching for something, or maybe he is running from something, or …”

“It’s going that well, huh?” Deb laughs.

“Yea, this may end up being my worst book ever.”

“I am sure you will get it, you always do. Maybe some chocolate cake will help.” She says with a smile before growling suddenly. “Maybe we should forego the cake.”

I follow her gaze and see Mitch walking in with a young girl hanging on his arm. “Oh no - this day was actually going pretty well.” Deb touches my hand and I know he is on his way over to our table.

“Hello, Adeline … Deb.” Mitch says kissing my cheek without permission.

“Prick.” Deb says with a smile.

Mitch glances her way but ignores her snide comment. “So Adeline, I was looking over the divorce papers and I am not sure that they are quite right. I had an attorney friend look over them and he came up with a much better scenario I think for the both of us. I think we should get together and go over these new papers he created and get this divorce finalized.”

“I like the way we have them now.” I say refusing to look his way.

“Adeline please, don’t be that way. We have come so far together, let’s not be bitter. I need to make a living too.”

“So why don’t you do that, rather than trying to live off of her money.” Deb huffs.

“Excuse me but I am talking to my wife, not you. And I am working, the restaurant isn’t quite there yet but in time it will be. My restaurant has the best food in the city, and as soon as people realize that …”

“If it is so good then why aren’t you eating there?” I ask him, compelling Deb to laugh. “Go back to your girlfriend Mitch, I don’t care to have my lunch ruined any further.”

“Kelly is my fiancée, she loves me and I her.”

“She loves Adeline’s money and you love her …” Deb looks over at Kelly sitting impatiently at a distant table. “Well I am sure it isn’t for her brains.”

“Jealous, Deb? Maybe you should go to one of Kelly’s classes, it looks as if you could use a little workout, a lot of working out with them thighs.” Mitch laughs.

“Can I punch him?” Deb asks already fisting her hands.

“Mitch, leave us alone!” I snap.

“Okay, but we do need to talk … alone would be preferred.” He says walking away with a final glare in Deb’s direction.

“Why did you ever marry him?”

“He wasn’t always like that, he used to be supportive and caring. Then I guess he got tired of me and I became less important and more of a bother. Doesn’t matter, I will be rid of him one way or another here soon.” I force a smile but Deb has trouble forming hers.

“I say we stop for something sweet on our way home rather than stay here any longer.” I agree and Deb helps me up and out of the restaurant. As we are leaving, a man walking his dog comes by us and I have to stop and pet the dog, enjoying her wagging tail and over excitement immensely. “Glad to see your smile back, I should get you a dog if it changes your attitude that much.”

“They are so innocent and happy, they are always happy. How can you not smile when you are around dogs? I would get one myself if I thought I could take proper care of one.” Sighing, I smile watching the dog happily walk to the next person wanting to give her attention.

“You deserve to be happy, Adeline, I know you don’t believe that but you do.”

“Not much I can do about that now.” I whisper away from her.

Struggling to get into my medication I drop the bottle on the ground and fall back crying. “Oh please.” Closing my eyes shut I try to reopen them and stretch for my medicine but I can do no more than clench my jaw and fist the bed underneath me. “Please …” My body nearly passes out from the pain but I am suddenly rescued by a warm hand. “You again?” I try to open my eyes but the darkness around me does me no favors, so still I see nothing. “You’re not real, I have simply passed out and am dreaming now.”

The soft laugh, rumbles against me. “Dreaming? Then what are you to me?”

“Nothing, because you are not here.” I say simply.

“If I’m not here Adeline, then why is it you continue to hold my hand?”

“I am not here to make sense of my own dream for you.” I say smartly. His laughter jars the whole bed.

“Fair enough. So do you mind if I stay here with you?” He says softly, rubbing circles on my hand with his thumb.

“I don’t know what I can do about it, you seem to come and go without
me
, having any say. But if you are going to stay … then try to be quiet and not shake the bed. I am sick you know and I need my rest. If I don’t get enough I get very irritable.”

“Oh, well you must not have slept for days then.”

“You’re insulting me? In my own dream, you are insulting me? I will wish you away, dream man, if you’re not careful.”

“So do it then, banish me from your bed, from
your
dream.” He says sliding in closer to my body and allowing me to pull his arm around me.

“I’m too tired to bother,” I say curling even further under his arm and holding tighter to his hand. “Lucky you.” I smile.

“Yes, I am.” He whispers against my ear.

~
Adeline ~

 
The morning sun lights up my room and my soul. I have an overwhelming feeling of strength this morning and I want nothing more than to take advantage of it while I can. Getting dressed, I walk outside and wander my gardens. The beauty of all the flowers, the birds singing high above me is so heartwarming. It is all so peaceful until the sudden sound of barking dogs comes running at me. With an abrupt bump into my legs two German Shepherds force me to acknowledge their presence.

“Where did you guys come from?” I ask laughing as they wag their tails and allow me to run my fingers through their thick, rich fur. I wonder what they are wanting from their obvious persistence, when one drops a bright blue ball at my feet, anxiously anticipating me understanding the subtle hint. Taking the ball in my hand, I take a deep breath and with a rush of excitement, I throw it and they run, barking and playing the entire way, and returning to me much the same. Again I throw and again they run. The playful routine causes me to laugh, and I soon feel the need to join them. I steady my legs and run to my new friends and fall to the ground between them, laughing and enjoying their instant affections. Lying in the vibrant green grass, I have no more energy to get up but I do not care to. The most fun I have had in awhile and because of two dogs. My new friends lie down close to my side and take a protective position. I watch them both as my eyes begin to heavy. With their fur blowing in the wind, their regal stature displays fearlessly beside me. A soft whimper begins to float around me as I fall to sleep.

“Adeline!” Deb yells, taking hold of my arm and trying to wake me, “Jeneba I found her! I found her!” I search around me for the two dogs but they seem to be nowhere in sight. Deb and Jeneba help me back to my bed and do their best to warm up my shivering body. “What were you doing outside? It is freezing out there, and with no coat, either. Middle of winter and you decide to take a stroll. Really Adeline, I don’t understand what you were thinking.”

“I wanted to see the garden, the flowers are so beautiful.” I say with a smile.

“The garden? There are no flowers in the garden, you haven’t planted any in years.” She says glancing back at Jeneba and causing me to question my own mind. “I think you need some rest, warm up and I will check on you shortly.”

Sinking into my warm covers I wonder, “Deb? How did you know to look for me outside?”

“I thought I heard a dog whimpering and scratching at the door. When I opened the door I didn’t see the dog but I did see you. You’re lucky I opened that particular door, we would never have thought to look for you there.” She says with a motherly frown before closing my door behind her.

Hmm, must be the meds. A continuation from the night before?
Before I close my eyes, I notice a bright blue ball sitting on my nightstand.

~
Adeline ~

 
When I wake I hear someone knocking and obnoxiously ringing my doorbell at my front door. It’s a struggle to leave my bed, my legs can barely hold me up so I make use of the cane I was given. I open the door to see Mitch waiting for me impatiently as he talks on his cell. My earlier joy is quickly evaporating. I find a comfortable seat knowing this is sure to be an exhausting conversation. Mitch chats a few more minutes on his cell before hanging up and turning to me with a forced smile.

“So how are you doing?” He asks me and I immediately roll my eyes. As if this man cares how I’m doing, other than hoping I die before the divorce papers can be finalized. “You know I do still care about you. In fact, I met this fella the other day, turns out he knows quite a lot about these things. He says you should get some exercise, keep busy and take up a hobby. It will take your mind off it all. I even brought you a present, Kelly gave me one of her yoga videos for you to try. It helps rid her mind of all the bad thoughts and bring in peace.” He has always had an opinion on how I should be, I use to believe it was him being supportive and nurturing but this time, I want nothing more than to punch him in his face. “I will need the video back - unless you want to buy it for $39.95, but otherwise you can use it for a couple of days.” Glancing back at him, I realize that it isn’t only his face I would like to punch. “So I brought you some paperwork for you to sign. Nothing important only some usual things in regards to the house and keeping it in good condition for you, lawn care and some repairs here and there. The association mailed them to me a couple of days ago to get taken care of.”