The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (77 page)

Of course, as this survey respondent indicates, no community is perfect!

In truth, I got fed up with the S/M community in my town and turned my back on it. Sometimes I miss some of the people, but I’m not sure it’s worth it to go back and hear all their silly rules: “You’re a submissive. Why are you capitalizing your name?” “A dominant shouldn’t behave that way!” and perfectly idiotic prejudices: “Dominants are smarter than submissives.” “People into S/M are smarter than people into vanilla sex.” “Why can’t switches make up their minds?” Gag me!

Getting Started

Defining Your Desires

If you’re intrigued by the thought of experimenting with sexual power play, you may be wondering, where do I go from here? First, examine your own desires and expectations. Your sexual fantasies can reveal a lot about what aspects of power exchange you find most exciting and what types of role-playing appeal to you. Of course, it’s possible that your most exciting fantasies are those you have no intention of acting out. Some people’s fantasies are in counterbalance to their actual sexual behavior.

Even though I define myself as a top, my fantasies are as a bottom. I have straight fantasies, which freaks me out. I only think this way while fantasizing. Once sex is over, if I think of men, I’ll be nauseated!

Many people enjoy two types of fantasies: the “I’d never do this in a million years, but I sure get hot thinking about it” fantasy and the “I’d leap at the chance to make this one come true” fantasy.

I want to be topped by five or six butch leather dykes. I want an enema. I want to be whipped and pierced. Those are the ones I want to actually happen. The fantasy that makes me come the fastest these days is of getting fucked by men in hotel rooms for money. But I don’t necessarily want that to actually happen.

Think about what key elements inspire your hottest fantasies: Is it certain positions, certain words, the idea of being spoken to in a certain tone of voice, certain items of clothing, certain locations, certain smells? Identifying these elements could help you identify the components of a satisfying scene.

I like the idea of being super cozy and in those full-length zip-up pajamas with the plastic white feet and sucking each other’s thumbs. I have this idea of a giant regression playground where we just enjoy sensuous activity without any orgasmic goal, like someone rubbing my asshole with lube, or sliding around in oil, or kissing forever, or role-playing that we’re children playing at grown-up sex who don’t know what we’re doing.

Get specific about what activities you do and don’t want to explore. An excellent exercise is to make three lists: one list of all the erotic activities you’ve tried and know you like; one list of all the erotic activities you’re sure you don’t want to try; and one list of all the erotic activities you’re curious about possibly trying. This will give you a frame of reference for how to proceed. You’ll probably find it interesting to do this exercise once a year to see what activities move from one list to another over time—so much more functional and so much less discouraging than dusting off that list of New Year’s resolutions!

Finding a Playmate

Suitably armed with all this self-knowledge, it’s time to broach the topic with a partner. We know, this is the scary part. You could bring the matter up in a general way, by asking what he or she thinks of erotica such as
Story of O
or by describing that sexy panel of dominatrixes you saw on a daytime TV talk show. You can comment that you’ve had S/M fantasies and are curious whether he or she does too. Don’t be disheartened if your partner’s first response is a nervous joke about “whips and chains.” There’s a lot of misinformation generally available about S/M, and it’s likely that the same person who expresses discomfort with the idea of whips has a fantasy bank full of army sergeants, schoolmistresses, and prison matrons. It may just take time to tease out the details of what types of role-playing might appeal.

Sometimes it’s easier to discuss your fantasies with someone you’ve just met than with a long-term partner or spouse. Unfortunately, the more attached to someone you are, the more afraid you can become of revealing information that you fear your partner might find off-putting or silly. In either case, it helps to be as specific, nonthreatening, and nonjudgmental in your language as possible—for instance, “Sometimes I pretend that you own me, you’ve kept me locked in my apartment all day, and now you’re coming over to have your way with me,” as opposed to “Why don’t you ever take charge in bed!” Or, “Yesterday, I imagined tying your hands to the bedposts and taking an hour to go down on you,” as opposed to “You never let me take as long as I want!” Whatever response you get, remember that naming your own sexual desires is a brave act and you deserve a respectful response. By the same token, you should make every effort not to respond to any of your partner’s suggestions or counterproposals with defensiveness or hostility.

Despite the most tactful communication on your part, you may find your proposal rejected. You have the option of seeking other like-minded potential partners at S/M classes, at social events, through personal ads, or in online chatrooms. You may consider employing the services of a professional, or you may decide to restrict your interest in S/M to fantasy and solo sex.

If you’re in a monogamous relationship, you’ll probably want to discuss your partner’s reservations on more than one occasion, to see if you can reach some common understanding. Ideally, you’d be able to compromise on activities that would satisfy your curiosity without making your partner feel badgered or bullied into trying something against his or her will. It’s possible that your partner has leapt to the conclusion that your interest in trying something new implies dissatisfaction with your current sex life, and that he or she just needs some reassurance.

Some people think sex should always be spontaneous and may protest that planning a sexual scenario seems cumbersome and artificial. You can remind your partner that in your courting days, both of you probably put plenty of time into planning your every encounter, yet your romance never suffered for it.

Negotiating a Scene

If you’ve both acknowledged interest in exploring power play, it’s time for some fun research. Here’s where those lists you wrote—detailing activities you’ve tried, ones you haven’t tried but are curious about, and ones you have no interest in trying—come in handy. You and your partner could each draw up a set of lists and swap them as a basis for discussion. If either of you draws a blank at possible activities, you may find books and videos helpful and inspirational.

I watch porn videos nonsexually with a partner to actually see examples of things each of us likes. Then we discuss what we’d like to do.

Perhaps the first thing to agree on is who’ll take the dominant and who’ll take the submissive role. This decision can be based on anything from personal preference, to who has more experience, to flipping a coin. You should then clarify what activities you’re each interested in trying and which you absolutely do not wish to try—for instance, “I’d like to be tied up and spanked, but I don’t want to be blindfolded at any point.” You should each know the other’s level of experience with those activities on the “done this” list, as well as with any sexual activities you wish to incorporate into the scene. If you’d like to beat your partner with a crop, he or she may be understandably curious to know just how many times you’ve wielded a crop before. If you’d like to be tied up and anally penetrated with a dildo, your partner should know whether or not your previous experience of anal penetration has involved anything larger than a pinkie finger. The fact that you have the opportunity to enact some of your fantasies does not mean that every activity you undertake will flow as pleasurably and effortlessly as it does in your fantasies. Don’t throw common sense out the window with your inhibitions.

TIMING: If you’re at a play-party or negotiating with someone you’ve just met, your negotiation may serve as the foreplay to your scene. You might step right into your respective roles and work out the details, with the dominant adopting a top persona to interview the submissive. Or you may prefer to stay out of role during your discussion and to set a future date to play. There’s certainly nothing wrong with giving yourselves time to let some anticipation build.

Couples who’ve been enjoying power play for some time probably won’t need an elaborate negotiation before each scene. Advance notice could simply take the form of telling your partner over breakfast that you’ve got something planned for her when she comes home that night, or leaving explicit invitations on his voice mail. You may have developed your own personal ways of signaling your intentions—putting on a particular collar or wearing a special pair of boots.

You’ll need to know how much time you’ve got together, as the pacing of your scene will vary depending on whether you have an hour before you have to get home and pay the baby-sitter, all night before you have to get to work, or an entire carefree weekend ahead of you.

LOCATION: As with any kind of date, the classic inquiry “my place or yours?” is a relevant consideration, and your decision may be dictated by any number of things: who has more privacy at home; who has more toys; who has eyebolts screwed into the wall; who has a four-poster bed; who has to get up early for work,
etc.
If you and you partner live together, you may wish to escape your daily routine and situate your scene in a hotel room or at a play-party.

Will it be a public scene? If all or part of your scene takes place at a restaurant, bar, or public space, you need to be discreet to avoid harassment or intrusion. You may, however, each have different ideas as to what constitutes “discreet.” Set your guidelines ahead of time—how are you willing to be addressed and treated in public? Maybe you’re willing to wear a collar, but not to be led on a leash. Maybe you’re willing to be addressed as “Mistress,” but not to have your partner sit at your feet in the taxi. It can be extremely arousing to be out on the town with your scene—don’t let a misunderstanding ruin the mood.

Nothing excites me as much as secret public sex. I enjoy being ordered to wear butt plugs, vibrators, ben wa balls, or bondage under my clothes and then to be covertly disciplined in public.

If you’re planning to get together at a play-party or with more than one person, you should negotiate how you’re both going to interact with other people. Is there one particular person or several people who are welcome to join you? To what extent are you willing to have others participate in your scene: physically, genitally, voyeuristically? You can avoid a lot of unnecessary jealousy or bad feeling if you think things through ahead of time.

PERSONAS: You may be perfectly content simply to define your roles as dominant and submissive, without any further elaboration. Or you may want to establish some parameters. Is the top to be referred to as “Mistress,” “Master,” or “Sir”? Is the bottom allowed to make eye contact with the top? Should the bottom speak only when spoken to? You may want to assume very specific roles, which will determine what kinds of things you wear, say, or do. This is where you can let your creative juices flow. Now’s the time to unlock your fantasy treasure chest and release a character or two. Perhaps you’ve always longed to play Roman senator and slave boy; Catherine the Great and stable hand; priest and nun; schoolmarm and student; doctor and patient; inquisitor and P.O.W.; parent and child…the list is endless.

I like to act out being some hot daddy’s sex slave. I am kept naked and servile.

My partner pretends to be a bad little girl, and I’m the teacher giving her a bare-bottom spanking.

I like to pretend to be corrupting or initiating a much younger man who is inexperienced, but very interested in exploring sex with an older woman.

Whether or not you adopt specific characters, you’ll probably find it both helpful and fun to dress up for your scene. You may well have a greater sense of conviction as a dominant when you’re clad in leather, boots, or spiked heels. Your feelings of vulnerability and helplessness as a submissive could well be enhanced by revealing or restrictive clothes. Clothing can add a sensual impact, not to mention sound effects, that greatly enhance a scene—the sounds of stilettos clicking, leather creaking, zippers being forced open, and fabric tearing can be highly arousing. You don’t need a celebrity diva’s income to afford this kind of disposable wardrobe either—trips to the Goodwill can keep you costumed in style, and you may find that shopping becomes its own form of foreplay.

HEALTH AND SAFETY GUIDELINES: A top should make sure to get basic medical information from the bottom, so as not to endanger her or his health during the scene. Someone wearing contact lenses should not be tightly blindfolded. Someone with asthma or a cold shouldn’t be gagged. You should both communicate about back pains, joint troubles, heart conditions, epilepsy, diabetes, high blood pressure, or any other conditions that could affect tolerance of pain, range of motion, and flexibility.

It’s also crucial to discuss safer-sex guidelines and what genital sex, if any, you are willing to have. An S/M scene doesn’t necessarily include sex.

I really love S/M as a turn-on prelude to sex, but also S/M can be a complete sex act in itself. With a good spanking, I can feel as good as if I had sex.

You should be very clear in advance whether or not your scene might include masturbation, oral sex, penetration of any kind, or sex toys, as well as which safer-sex precautions you choose to follow in each case. While this negotiation is particularly important when you’re playing with a new partner, even long-term partners might find that they have different limits or desires around genital play during an S/M scene than during vanilla sex.