The Goddaughter's Revenge (6 page)

“You too, Cupcake. I'm gonna be in town for two weeks solid, so get used to it. But first, what's this I hear about a new stallion in your paddock?”

I looked over at Pete, who was pulling on his pants, and smiled.

Lainy—Elaine, to her parents—was my best friend when I was growing up.

In high school, we drove the nuns crazy by passing notes back and forth and generally testing most of the Ten Commandments.

Then something earthshaking happened. After high school, Elaine went to university in Guelph, where she discovered country music and big hair. The University of Guelph is the home of the world-class Ontario Agricultural College and is often fondly referred to as Cow College or Moo U.

Elaine—now Lainy—took to the country music scene like a horse to hay, and the rest is history.

Her first gig was with The Cow College Critters. They did the local bar scene for a few years. Then they changed a few of the players and got a new name, Lainy McSwain and the Lonesome Doves.

Two years ago, Lainy made it big on the country charts with her solo hit, “You Done Me Wrong, So I Done You In.”

This year she opened for Shania Twain and captured two more golds with “That Ain't No Cow, It's Ma Maw” and “Don't Give Me No Hickey, You Hick From North Bay.”

Not only is Lainy's voice big. At five foot ten, so is the rest of her. Lainy has country-singer hair and country-singer boobs—all real. She is one heck of a red-haired, broad-shouldered, big-hipped, man-lovin' superstar.

I love her to bits.

“When do you get in?” I said.

“Next Thursday, late. I'll be at your place Friday. I promised Pinky I'd play at her Halloween party. It's supposed to be a surprise for Ben. Can I bunk at your place for the weekend?”

“Sure thing, Lainy.” I looked over at Pete, who was bent over, doing up his shoes, and wondered if he'd mind a little company in the condo.

“Don't bother kickin' your stallion out, darlin'. I want to get to know him good.”

I smiled. Lainy always could read my mind.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

B
urglary for Dummies
will also feature a chapter called “Accomplice Relations.” Specifically, circumstances under which it is perfectly reasonable to kill your accomplice.

It was Saturday morning at my place, and Pete had the newspaper in his hand. He waved to me as I came into the kitchen.

“You may want to see this. Or not. I think Nico has gone rogue.”

I grabbed the paper. The headline read:

Lone Rearranger Gives 5 Stars to
Red Hill Residence

Country Club Drive residents Phil and Myla Tanner were delighted to return home Friday night and find they had been targeted by the Lone Rearranger.

“I'm just so thrilled,” said Mrs. Tanner. “He didn't rearrange a thing! Just left a white mask on the Italian sectional and a red rose on the coffee table. He loved the room! Wait till my friends hear.”

“This guy has class,” said Mr. Tanner.

This is believed to be the first living room left completely untouched by the Lone Rearranger. Police are baffled by why anyone would—

“NICO!” I screamed.

I was just about to grab the phone when it started ringing.

“It's Sammy,” the caller said. “We need to talk.”

Oops.

* * *

We arranged to meet at the chicken coop.

I brought reinforcements. Tiff and Nico. Okay, so I was a teeny bit chicken to meet Sammy alone. At the chicken coop. Bad pun, I know.

I drove and picked up the others. We beat Sammy to the site. I used my key to unlock the door.

“Wow,” said Tiff. “I've never been here before.”

“Cool cigs,” said Nico. “Want a pack, Tiff ?” He reached for a carton on the nearest pile.

“No!” I hissed. “No taking anything! It's not ours to take.”

Nico looked at me strangely. Then he grinned.

“Okay, I know that sounds dumb,” I admitted. Ownership of said items was rather debatable at the moment.

Then Sammy came through the door. For a moment, he was a scary silhouette, backlit by the sunlight behind him. Then he stepped forward, and his features came into view.

His gaze swept over Tiff and me and landed on Nico. “You,” he said, pointing a bony finger. “You're the mask guy.”

Nico squirmed. “I was only having some fun, Uncle Sammy. I miss the old days.”

“Fun? Are you nuts? Pulling fake robberies? Don't you know how that can mess up the real ones?”

Time for me to step in. “They weren't fake, Sammy. This is my fault. I was stealing back the fake stones that Carmine used. Nico was my wingman. Until he went rogue.” I turned and gave him the evil eye.

Sammy slapped a palm to his forehead. “Wait. I can't keep up with this shit. Take me through it from the start.”

Tiff explained the good parts. She was actually very cool in an emergency. Good to know for the future.

I stepped in when it was necessary. Like when it looked like Sammy was going to strangle Nico.

“Holy shit, Nico. You got the brains of a long-dead lake trout. Don't you EVER leave those white masks behind on a job again. They can pick up the smallest bits of DNA on those things. Miriam will bat your ears if she finds out.”

Nico looked suitable chastened. Aunt Miriam had a way with ears.

But all in all, it wasn't a bad meeting. In fact, the last part was pretty good.

“Here, I got something for you,” Sammy said. He dug into a pocket and came out with a memory stick. “Play that on your laptop. You'll find it quite entertaining— and useful. Miriam gave me a little help. I think you'll like that part.”

I reached for it as he continued to stare at me.

“Carmine?” I said hopefully.

Sammy smiled. It wasn't a nice smile.

“With a curvy little blond gal that isn't his wife.”

Holy shit, indeed.

CHAPTER TWELVE

I viewed the video in the privacy of my home office. Yup. What we had here was first-class blackmail material. YouTube gold.

I convinced Pete to make the trip with carrots and a side order of guilt. The guilt was easy.

“I just spent a week with your parents in Florida. Surely you can spare a day to meet my rotten cousin in New York.”

Pete sighed. “If by
meet
you mean
take down
, count me in.”

Man, I loved this guy.

We got through security at the airport without any trouble. Pete had his NEXUS card and I had my—well, one of my passports.

“So what's the plan?” Pete said as he buckled up.

“I sort of need you to pretend to be a bad guy,” I said. “Think you can do that?”

Pete snorted, and it kind of scared me. “Sweetheart, you have no idea.”

Then the plane took off.

Once we reached LaGuardia, Pete took command. He flagged a New York taxi like it was second nature to him. Of course, because it was Pete, one came immediately. If it had been me, we would have been waiting until tax time.

“First we hit Schwarz. Then—what's the address?”

I gave him the address. “What's
Schwarz
?”

He grinned. “You'll see.” He gave instructions to the driver.

After we'd finished our business at Schwarz, Pete flagged another cab.

“You're pretty cool about this,” I said. “Any reason I should know about?”

Pete put his arm around my shoulders. “I know this city. And I wasn't always a pussycat reporter, you know. You got to be tough in the pros. I just don't get to show it off much anymore.”

I looked at the big guy beside me and brought my hand up to test his bicep. “You've been working out with Luca, haven't you?”

He grinned. “If you call ten rounds in a ring with a stubborn-ass mob enforcer working out, then yeah.”

“Luca isn't an
enforcer
,” I said.

“Well, he outta be. He sure can hit.”

And so can you, I thought to myself
,
if you can stay in the ring with Luca
.
All of a sudden, I felt very safe.

The cab stopped outside the door of Venetian Jewelers. I hauled my butt out of the car. Pete handed me the laptop. “Best I keep my hands free,” he said.

Damn but he had good instincts.

Either there was no alarm on the street door or it wasn't working. We walked right in. Venetian Jewelers was old school. Lots of oak cabinetry with boring beige walls to match. Nico would be in despair.

I walked up to the gum-chewing schoolgirl at the counter. She looked bored. I felt mildly sorry for her, so I decided to make her unbored.

“I'm Carmine's cousin. You've got thirty seconds to take me to him before I start blowing the place. Get my drift?” I find it best to talk in language that can be easily understood by the natives.

Pete looked a little surprised though. Guess I should have warned him.

Miss Bored Universe glanced at me briefly and then cocked her head toward the back of the store. Her gelled hair hardly moved. She never missed a chew.

I walked around the counter and to the door to the back. Miss B buzzed it open, and I turned the knob.

Carmine was sitting behind a wooden desk, eating a slice of pizza. And yup, he looked just like I remembered him. Scrawny little bastard with black hair, a pointy face and bony hands. Did I mention I used to call him Ratface?

When he looked up and saw me, he sneered. He also wasn't alone.

“Oh Christ—YOU guys?” I couldn't believe it.

Joey, Bertoni and the guy named Lou were also munching away. I could smell pepperoni and lots of hot cheese. Bertoni put down his pizza and wiped his greasy hands on his shirt. Ick.

Joey groaned when he saw me. Then his eyes swept past me to Pete. Joey stiffened.

“Hey Carm! He's got a heater in his pocket!”

Bertoni yelled, and there was a whirl of action as everyone reached somewhere on their body for something.

In a flash, the room was still. Carm, Bertoni, Joey, Lou and Pete all had guns pointing at each other.

“Oh for goodness' sake,” I said. Pete stood there holding the gun he had just bought. Yup, from the toy store.

“What kind of heater is that? I never seen it before.” Bertoni stepped forward. He was curious.

“It's a Canadian Military Special,” Pete said. He held it naturally, like he'd been doing it every day of his life. “New. Made for the high Arctic. Never fails.”

I nearly guffawed but held it back.

“You bringing guns down from Canada into the States now? Isn't that kind of backward?” Lou said this.

Silence.

“Oh, I get what you mean,” I said finally. I turned to Pete to explain. “Usually we move guns from Buffalo to Toronto. Luca handles that side of the—wait a minute. You didn't hear me just say that.”

“We got you outnumbered, man,” Carmine said. “Four against one.” He practically swaggered.

“What the hell are you doing?” Now I was mad. “We're cousins! We can't kill each other. You got any idea what Vince would do if one of us got shot? And Big Sally? Not to mention Aunt Miriam.”

Joey flinched at the mention of Aunt Miriam.

“What's the deal with Aunt Miriam?” Pete asked.

“Smelly yellow soap,” Joey murmured. He shivered.

“Take it from me. You don't want to mess with her.” Bertoni looked pale. His greasy hair was standing on end.

“So put the guns down, all of you.” I tried to make my voice sound like Miriam's. “There's no need for violence. We just have to come to an arrangement.”

Carmine snorted. “So you want the gems back. Tough. Make me.”

I turned to him. This was my big scene, and dammit, I was going to enjoy it.

“Oh, darlin', I will. Or rather, Aunt Miriam will. Pete, help me with the laptop.”

Pete hesitated. He looked around the group.

“Put the guns down, I said!” I shrieked this time and swung my arms about. Gad, I was getting more like Miriam with every minute.

The guns went down. All of them.

“Jeez. You guys are so anachronistic.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Bertoni frowned.

I rolled my eyes. “It means so last century. Or the ones before.” I opened the laptop on Carmine's desk and pressed a few keys.

“Now Carmine, move up front here and pay close attention to this video. You might know the people.”

Everyone came closer. You could almost hear each individual breath. Until I turned up the volume, and then you could only hear the heavy breathing and moans coming from the laptop.

“Oh Carmy! Do it—do it—ahhhhh…”

“I'm doin' it, babe—I'm doin' it!”

“Faster, Carmy! Faster—don't stop…”

All eyes were glued to the screen.

“Oh, gross,” said Lou.

“Holy shit!” yelled Carmine. “How did you get that?”

“Carm, that ain't your wife. Tracy's not a blond.” Bertoni was confused.

“How the heck is she doing that?” Pete was staring at the video with far too much interest. Okay, time to pull the plug.

The picture faded, and Aunt Miriam's serene face came onscreen.

“Now Carmine,” she said. “You've been a bad boy. It isn't nice to steal from your Auntie Miriam. Or from the family. So here's what we're going to do. Big Sally loves his daughter Tracy very much, and I don't think he would be too happy to see this video of her husband with a hooker up on YouTube, do you? No, I didn't think so. Give Gina back the gems, Carmine. All of them. There's a good boy.

“Oh, and don't even think of destroying this laptop because I have many more copies of this video back in Hamilton.

“Say hi to your mother for me
.
”

Then she was gone.

“Fuckity fuck,” said Carmine. His eyes bugged from his face.

“I see what you mean about Aunt Miriam,” Pete said. “That face. That voice. It isn't normal.”