The Christmas Wish (17 page)

“I’m sorry.” Brinn forced a smile onto her face and hoped they wouldn’t notice the sadness in her eyes, reflecting the feeling in her chest that her heart was destroyed.

“I need to go. Nonna needs me—”

“Oh no.” Carol stood. “Is everything okay? Is—”

“Fine, fine. Nothing like that, it’s just something I forgot that I promised I’d do for her. I’m sorry to run out, Carol. Katherine, it was so nice to see you. Will you please tell Tyler I had to go?”

Carol’s eyebrows creased and she tilted her head. “Do you want me to have him call you?”

“Sure, of course, if he has time. I know he’s busy, and it’s the holidays, and so am I.” Brinn pulled her cap over her head. “Have a great Christmas, okay?”

She nearly ran out of the house and down the front steps. The tears that had threatened in the hall and in the dining room were now falling and falling fast.

What a fool.

What a fool she was to think that Tyler Emerson, the gorgeous man with a beautiful child and a beautiful family and a gorgeous ex-wife, would ever fall for a thick-legged girl like her. She climbed into her SUV and slammed the door, then jammed the key into the ignition. She had to get away; she had to get away before Tyler saw her. Before she had to tell him that she knew, she knew that in his heart she would always be second best. That she would never be enough for him. She pressed the gas and backed down the drive, her SUV moving so fast that she didn’t even see Tyler standing on the front porch, waving for her to stop.

“How could I be so stupid?”

Alison handed her another tissue. “Sweetie, you’re not stupid. It’s that dickhead Kent Emerson that is the idiot.”

Brinn blew her nose. The skin beneath her nose was itchy and raw. Alison held out a plastic grocery sack and Brinn threw the hundredth tissue into the bag.

“Thanks.” Brinn had sobbed in her car behind the bakery for nearly an hour, and she’d been just about ready to go home when Alison had exited the back of Bea & Barbara’s. She’d forced Brinn to follow her to her apartment where she’d set about providing her with hot coffee and several shots of Baileys.

“I remember Kent in school. He used to torture my cousin. Every family has one, an asshole.”

“But he’s right. I am a beat-up Volkswagen bug beside a Maserati.”

“Stop. You have to stop that. You are not. You are so much more than Charlize Dumont Emerson. What kind of woman abandons not only her husband but her child? The woman has always been a shrew. If anything, Tyler is lucky to find you. She may be something to look at, but there is nothing beautiful on the inside.”

Brinn dabbed her eyes with a fresh tissue. No matter how many rationalizations she made or how many times the logic part of her brain attempted to convince her that she was being crazy, she couldn’t get away from the very simple fact that she wasn’t pretty. Or at least not pretty like Charlize.

“You’ve got to get rid of this hang-up. How do you fail to see your own beauty?”

“Beauty? Ha! I’ve never been a beauty. Ma is a beauty, Deborah is a beauty. But me? Not even.”

“And who in your family do you look like?”

“I guess I look like Nonna. I’ve seen pictures of her when she was my age and we look really similar. I also look like Dad’s side of the family.”

“So you think your Nonna is ugly?”

“Bite your tongue. Nonna is gorgeous. And not in the usual way. She’s got this light because she sees people the way they are.” Brinn closed her eyes. Nonna’s face flashed in her mind. She wasn’t beautiful in a typical way, but Nonna was striking and breathtaking. The kind of woman you had to look at twice.

“If Nonna is beautiful and you look like Nonna…” Alison’s words trailed off as though she was attempting to lead Brinn to the conclusion Alison had already made.

“It’s not the same. Nonna has more than her looks. She has this essence that makes people want to be near her. She makes people comfortable. She takes care of people. She—”

“How do you not see that you possess all the same things? You’ve always taken care of people your whole life. You’ve been taking care of me for the last eight months. You take care of Nonna and her friends. You even take care of your mother. And now you’ve been taking care of Charlotte and Tyler.”

“I’m not taking care of Charlotte or Tyler, we’ve just been…” The words broke in Brinn’s throat. Whatever this had been, this love affair with Tyler was over. Regardless of whether she was as beautiful as Nonna, Tyler’s brother thought she was a hag, and she’d run from the Emerson family dinner. There was no going back. She doubted that she’d ever hear from Tyler again, aside from when he needed a doughnut or a cake.

“I can’t do this. I simply can’t believe that he wasn’t crazy to be with me. Or that I’m enough for him.”

“That’s a personal problem, and I don’t think it matters who you’re with—until you get all that sorted in your head, you won’t be able to be with anyone. You’ve got to get past this. Marco didn’t choose Hannah because she was prettier, he chose her because he was an ass who needed to control a younger woman. Tyler has chosen you. It doesn’t matter what his stupid younger brother said. I mean, look at Kent. The man can’t settle down to save his life. And it’s not because he hasn’t tried. There is something about him that is damaged.”

“Everyone is damaged.” Brinn sniffed.

“Of course everyone is damaged, but it’s up to us to find and repair our own broken bits. Other people don’t repair us, we repair ourselves.”

Brinn met Alison’s gaze. “How are you still single? You’ve got all the answers and you can cook. How have you not been snapped up by some man in this town?”

“I’m too picky. Plus I’m complicated. There are only so many Emerson men, and we already know two are taken and one is an idiot. That leaves Breck, and he’s like a big brother to me. Would never happen.”

Brinn closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m starting to really care for Tyler, and I really adore Charlotte, but I feel…” How did she feel? Her gaze darted around Alison’s apartment. A Christmas tree with flashing lights was in the corner, and precious Santas decorated the chimney mantel, and snow globes were on all the tables. “I feel like I’m not enough for him or for his family.”

“You can’t let the stupid thing that one Emerson brother said be the reason why you aren’t with Tyler.”

“I’m not. It isn’t. I mean…” This was her own self-confidence issue, her own problem. The belief that she wasn’t pretty enough, good enough, whatever enough. That was that haunted her mind. “I just keep thinking of what happened with Marco and—”

“Have you told Tyler about that?”

Brinn’s eyes widened in horror. A flicker of fear passed through her. She shook her head.

“Don’t you think he deserves to know whatever ghosts you have? Your fears, your questions?”

He did deserve to know, and while Brinn was more likely than her sister or her mother to share her feelings, she didn’t want to tell Tyler about the humiliation of discovering her fiancé with another woman. A woman that Brinn had welcomed into their business and thought was her friend.

“It might not matter now.” Brinn ran her hand over her face. “I’m so embarrassed about how I left. I’m not sure I can ever face his family again.”

“That isn’t your fault, and I am certain Carol will string Kent up by his balls when she finds out what he said. He’s a Neanderthal. Everyone knows it. You can’t let one bad apple ruin the entire bunch. You know that, right?”

She did. But she also knew that if she wanted to continue in a relationship with Tyler, she had to get a grip on these fears. How could she ever feel like she was enough?

An hour later, Brinn had finished her coffee and her tears. Alison offered to let her stay the night, but Brinn had to be up early. She needed to check on the Christmas castle; she needed to be sure that the structure wouldn’t come crashing down at the unveiling the next day. The snow had stopped, and Brinn got into her SUV for the drive back to her house and her cold and lonely bed.

*

“Why did Brinn leave without saying good-bye?”

Tyler’s heart ached with Charlotte’s question. She was tucked into her bottom bunk. Ashley and Grace were already drifting to dreamland in the two top bunks. He’d texted and called, but he hadn’t gotten a response.

“Sweetheart. I’m sure there is a really good reason.” He hoped there was a really good reason. Had he said something? Done something? What would make Brinn dash out from his family’s weekly dinner without so much as a backward glance? She’d roared down the driveway as though there was an emergency.

Charlotte didn’t need to be abandoned by another woman, especially just as she was becoming attached to Brinn. He didn’t need to be abandoned either. “She’ll call soon and let me know why. Don’t worry about it, bug. Okay?” Tyler knelt beside her bed and pulled the soft pink quilt up higher beneath her chin.

“Tomorrow I’m going to write my letter to Santa Claus.” Charlotte’s eyes sparkled with delight. He loved how she could go from sadness to joy so quickly. Thank God for the resilience of children. “Grandma is going to help me with the big words.”

“And what are you going to ask Santa for?” He’d finished most of his shopping for Charlotte, but he wanted to be certain he’d covered the big ask, the one thing that she felt she needed to ask Santa for.

“I already told you Daddy.” Charlotte’s face was very solemn. “I want Mommy to come home for Christmas.”

Tyler couldn’t breathe. His heart punched upward in his chest and choked him. What to say to his little girl’s request? He wished he could give her what she wanted. Even if he would never be with Charlize, he’d love for Charlotte to get to spend the day with her mom.

“Oh, sweetheart, I don’t think that Santa—”

“Santa is magic, Daddy.” Charlotte’s eyes sparkled. “Santa can do anything.”

“Santa is magic, but sweetheart, Mommy has all kinds of plans for Christmas and Christmas Eve and I don’t think—”

“Santa will get her here, Daddy. I know he will.”

Tyler closed his eyes for a moment. How to explain? What to say? “Sweetheart, you understand that I love you and Mommy loves you and we always will, but Mommy and I can’t be together anymore. You know that right?”

“Yes, Daddy. I won’t ask Santa to make you and Mommy live together again. I just want her here for Christmas.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Tyler clasped his arms around her and pressed his lips to her forehead. God, he loved this child. He would forever live with the guilt of failing her, of destroying their family with his work habits and inability to grow the love that he and his wife had once shared. He pulled Charlotte closer. What was he thinking? A year and a half was too soon to bring another woman around Charlotte. And at Christmas? One of the most family-oriented times of the year? Now was not the time to be involved. He had a huge work project, he had a daughter.

His heart warmed with Brinn in his mind. He didn’t feel chipped away or worn down when they were together. A warm blanket of joy and security and love and passion surrounded him when he was with Brinn. A deep and abiding passion for her and her body that was different, that wouldn’t fade. He turned to Charlotte and her face had already deepened into the darkness of sleep. He kissed her once more on her forehead. He checked his two nieces and walked out the bedroom door and pulled it shut.

Chuck and Breck and Kent were still downstairs. He heard them in the kitchen. He rounded the corner and made his way down the long hall. When he entered all talking stopped and his brothers and his sister-in-law stared at him.

“What?” Tyler reached for a fresh coffee cup. “I can tell you’re all talking about me, so let’s just ignore the subterfuge and you guys lay it out on the line.” His chest tightened. The pain of Charlotte’s Christmas wish was heavy in his chest as well as how conflicted his feelings were for Brinn.

“This dipshit chased off your date.” Chuck hooked his thumb toward Kent, who stood on the other side of the kitchen island with his hands shoved in his pockets.

“I have a right to my opinions.” Kent stood with his feet far apart, a defensive stance, but his face appeared sheepish and embarrassed.

“We all have the right to our opinions, dumb ass, but that doesn’t mean you have to voice them.”

Tyler stepped toward the island. “What did you say?” He held tight to his voice when really he wanted to grab his little brother in a headlock and bust his nose against the top of the kitchen island.

“I may have compared Charlize to Brinn.” Kent closed his eyes and pursed his lips. “And I may have used the words Maserati and beat-up Volkswagen.”

Tyler’s jaw dropped open. Rage filled him and he took a step back from his brother. If he remained close to Kent, he’d definitely be smashing his face into the marble. “How are we even related? Are you fucking kidding me?” His control ran thin. “I invited her to our family dinner and you say some shit like that?”

Kent’s spine straightened. “Hey, bro, truth is truth.”

Tyler lunged for Kent and grabbed him by the sweater. “You fuckhead, I’m in love with her. Do you understand what you just did? You think she’ll ever want to be a part of this family now? Ever want to step foot in this house? Ever want to look at your sorry-assed mug again?”

Chuck grasped Tyler’s arms and pulled him back from Kent. His chest heaved up and down and he yanked his arms free of his brother’s grasp.

“What’s going on in here?” Roger stood just inside the back door.

“This asshole called my girlfriend a beat-up Volkswagen and my ex-wife a Maserati, and she
heard
him. That’s why Brinn ran out of here so fast.”

“Oh, Kent.” Carol walked from the pantry and her fingers covered her mouth. “How could you? Brinn Bartoli is the kindest woman I’ve ever met. And she’s beautiful. How can you not see that she is absolutely beautiful?”

Kent shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, Mom. I was talking about the outside. I just…” He looked away. The anger evaporated from Kent and he looked at Tyler. “I’m sorry. It was a really bonehead move. I shouldn’t have said it.”