The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Sex Toys (5 page)

It's really as easy, or as scary, as asking—because in bed as in life, if you want something, you're just going to have to ask for it. Once you get your courage up and ask, that doesn't always mean you'll be met with enthusiasm, or if you are, that your lover will be able to execute your desires in the ways you want. On the other hand, your request may just be the thing they've been hoping to hear, but have themselves been too afraid to ask.

Before you talk, think about how you might bring up the subject in a way that would feel safe for you. You might feel more comfortable watching a movie with a scene in it that's similar to your fantasy, then commenting on the scene. Or do you think you'd feel okay asking your partner what they think about sharing fantasies while you're entwined in an intimate cuddle? Another technique you can try is telling him you want to confess a fantasy—a sexual one—and that he isn't to reply right away. Tell him that you can have a conversation about it later; this gives both of you time to let the idea settle.

Consider ways in which you can encourage your partner to hear you out, and ask them to suspend judgment until you can explain why this is important, and how much fun you think the two of you will both have—and how important their participation is to you. Be sure to reassure him or her that you find them incredibly sexy, and that this wouldn't be happening unless you felt safe to tell them your deepest desires. Your lover needs
to hear that they are the star of your show, in addition to the fact that you're ready to become closer than you've ever been before.

If you're the one bringing it up, reverse roles for a minute: If you don't normally talk about sex in your relationship and then suddenly one of you wants to, it might be upsetting—initially. Your lover may wonder if you've been holding back sexual secrets all along. But it's more likely that opening up to them about your sex toy fantasy will give them the opportunity to tell you what's on
their
mind about sex, too. Many couples discover that talking about sex is a pretty hot form of foreplay all on its own.

When you're ready to experiment with your new toys, be sure that you have privacy and the elements necessary to make it as hot as it can get. Home and getaway weekends (in a hotel or bed-and-breakfast) are the best places to try out your toys, and with a little hot talk and imagination, you're free to play sexy mad scientist with each other's bodies to your heart's content.

Set aside time when you'll both be free of distractions, and can fully relax—turn off your phones, check that your roommates are really away, send the kids to a sitter. Make sure you've shopped for anything you might need, and don't forget the lube and batteries. Have these items prepared for your sexual adventure ahead of time, or, if you're visiting your lover's house, take your toys and treats with you. Most importantly, take a sense of sexual adventure and a sense of humor, because sex toy play is exactly that—
play
.

Sex toys don't always work the way they're supposed to, and it's crucial to remember this every time you turn on a funky vibrator, wrestle yourself into a strap-on, accidentally squirt lube onto your pillow, or try on a slippery cock ring. It's always going to be an experiment, and yes, someday you'll master the seductive art of slipping effortlessly into a harness and elegantly advancing on your excited prey. But the first several times, the buckles might be problematic, or the vibrator might be tricky to put batteries into, and it's difficult to look cool when you're squinting at the battery directions trying to figure out which way they go, while your lover gets cold—but remains hopeful for the moment the batteries snap in and you get down to business. That's why it's essential that both of you have a sense of humor about the foibles and failures of cheaply made and sometimes user-unfriendly sex toys. And always be prepared for the times when you both give up on making the damn toy work (or you unwrap it to discover it's shipped broken)…and just have hot sex anyway.

 

For many women, the primary key to orgasm during anal or vaginal penetration will be toys that provide adequate clitoral stimulation. Sure, your fingers are always ready to do the job, but often during penetration it's common to require firmer or more intense stimulation to take you over the edge. Also, intense clit stimulation can make anal sex much more pleasurable. Vibrators are the right tool for the job, and you have a number of options with which you can achieve your orgasmic goals.

Take those trusty fingers of yours, and modify them with a finger vibe. Choose from a wireless or cordless model and slip one on a fingertip—then let your fingers do the walking in all the right places. During penetration while on your back, you can easily reach your clit if your lover sits up. In a doggy-style position you can rest your torso on a pillow (or ottoman). In a woman-on-top position you can lean back and control his thrusts and your own clit stimulation easily—though note that this position might make your lover come faster than you'd planned, with all the visual stimulation they get watching you use them as a sex toy. Also, you can give the finger vibe to your lover and let them massage your clit for a while too, and see where it leads.

 

The same techniques can be used with your trusty bullet (or egg) vibrator. Since most of these have battery packs and a cord (but have more control options and variable speeds, yay!), you can set the controls in an easily reachable spot at your side while you rub the bullet all over your clit in a variety of positions. Some retailers sell wearable bullet pouches that slide on like a pair of crotchless panties, keeping the vibrator in place while leaving you open for penetration, though the bullet will need to be readjusted often as it will likely move around during thrusting.

Many stores carry wearable vibrators that are all-in-one, panty-style units. These toys are designed for hands-free clitoral stimulation, though some are better suited for solo use than for penetration with a partner: most are worn like a G-string panty, making it difficult to use accurately during penetration. Others are crazy multistrap contraptions that you step into and wear like a crotchless panty over your hips, but can mean lots of orgasmic fun when they're in place. Most wearable vibes have a little animal shape (like a butterfly or hummingbird), are made of jelly rubber for the clitoral stimulator, and come with either a battery pack or a cordless remote. Some are waterproof, have multifunction controllers, and even have insertable portions for vagina or anus. The remote control models are one speed and tend to be rather loud, so if you're fantasizing about wearing the vibe out in public and handing the controller to your lucky lover, make sure it's somewhere loud, like a dance club or construction site.

But why should
she
do all the work, when
he's
got a perfectly good tool? My point exactly—make the penis (or dildo) doing the thrusting do double time by strapping on a vibrating cock ring. These ingenious devices work just like a regular cock ring (see chapter 1, Basic Models, and Care and Feeding of Your Toys), but also have a vibrator seated at the base for clitoral stimulation. Some cock rings have nonvibrating stimulators, meaning a silicone, rubber, or jelly bump of some kind that's intended to rub the clit during penetration. Reviews on these, however, are mixed as to whether they're effective (though they're great if vibrators aren't your cup of tea).

The cock ring provides a little bit of squeeze to keep him hard and firm (possibly a bit longer than usual), and the vibrator will also give him a little buzz. But these aren't exactly hands-free devices; sometimes the ring will slip around and you might need to reach down and set the vibrator on the part of your clit that feels best for you. Also, remember that unlike a finger or bullet vibe, you'll only be feeling the vibration right on your clit when he's all the way inside you. Doggy-style is the position least beneficial for vibrating cock rings, while woman-on-top is usually the best position for control, placement, and enjoyment.

Sex toys can make your oral sex session red-hot, and they can provide ways for the person going down to double their pleasure (and their fun). Meaning, you can use a toy on the person getting head to make them come like crazy, but you can make yourself come too by stimulating yourself as you lick and suck.
Also, sex toys can provide a nice momentary respite, so that you can continue stimulating your partner while you give your tongue, neck, or jaw a rest.

Many a woman (though not all) enjoys penetration during cunnilingus—that is, as long as you don't stop or interrupt her clitoral tongue bath. You'll already have your hands teasing and tantalizing her, and when she's turned on you can try inserting the dildo, your fingers, or the vibe just a little, then ask her what she wants you to do next. Would she like thrusting, stillness, to be licked and pumped simultaneously? Think about how sexy it would be to hear her say, “I want you to fuck me with that dildo while you lick me.”

Keep in mind a few salient facts about how the vagina responds to penetration. In general, you'll want to thrust in and out, not up and down, side to side, or in a circle, unless you know she likes it. If you want to vary your thrusting with other creative movements, ask her specifically how she'd like you to move; some women prefer straightforward in-and-out movements to anything else, while others might like variations at different times of the arousal cycle.

The outer areas, such as the vulva and the opening of the vagina, contain more nerve endings than the vaginal canal and respond best to touch and vibration. The inner portion, inside the canal, has fewer nerve endings near the skin's surface and responds to feelings of fullness, pressure, and rhythm. A vibrator will therefore feel intensely good around the clitoris and the vaginal opening. Using a sex toy for penetration while you lick
her clit may be more easily accomplished if you lick with your head at a slight angle, giving you ample room to thrust a toy with your hand. You can also hold the toy stationary while you lick, allowing her to control the stimulation with her hip movements. G-spot dildos and vibrators, combined with cunnilingus, can provide an earth-shattering experience for women who love G-spot play.

Honestly, you can use any kind of vibrator you want on her during cunnilingus, but some types will be easier to use than others. If she has a favorite, then by all means use it! Longer vibes typically employed for penetration (like a Slimline) can make her feel especially good, but finger vibrators and bullet vibes allow you to specifically buzz the spot where you last licked. When bringing a vibe into the action, start on the lowest speed, and give her more as she asks for it. Remember to never put the vibe directly on her clit right away; always start from the sides. Using a vibrator while you lick will vibrate your tongue and mouth and after a while may make you feel like your whole head is buzzing, but it can feel amazing to the recipient.

This is especially true for tongue vibes: small, cordless, watch-battery-powered vibrators that literally strap to your tongue and turn it into a vibrator that adds a buzz to whatever part of the anatomy you touch it to. The first question people ask about these vibes is, “Are they safe?” That seems to be a concern echoed by responsible retailers across the nation. While there is little to no chance of shock from an exposed mechanism in these toys, I can virtually guarantee that no one's done any kind of a clinical study on the effects of intense vibration in the mouth (or on TMJ, temporomandibular joint pain), or what happens should one of these toys get accidentally swallowed. While
they're an awful lot of fun, they're not for long-term use, and to avoid mishaps they should be used soberly and carefully by the person with the toy in their mouth.