Succumbing To His Fear (9 page)

Alfie

On the drive to pick up Fear, I tried to give myself a pep talk.
All you have to do is be there to support him. Do not stand there like a plonker caught in the headlights.
I ran out of time to continue lecturing myself when I saw Fear waiting for me on the pavement.

He didn’t say anything as he got in the car. I knew that Fear was not going to suddenly become Chatty Kathy, but the silence was driving me batty. I turned so that I could see his eyes, because when Fear couldn’t speak, his eyes told you everything you needed to know.

“What do you need?” He didn’t answer. I could see his throat working overtime, almost as if he were struggling to breathe. Without thinking too much about what I was doing I reached out and grabbed his hand. “You take your time. I’m here for as long as you need me.” Fear tightened his grip on my hand and I wished more than anything that I could take his pain away. 

“I just want to get this done.” Nodding my understanding, I started the car and headed in the direction on Fifth Street.

The morgue was an extremely intimidating looking building, grey walls inside and out, hard looking furniture, even the people looked hard. Case in point was the woman sitting behind the bulletproof glass. She was not a happy camper. I realized that the environment didn’t lend itself to a party-like atmosphere, but the woman had to know that the people coming through her office were living their worst nightmares. A smile or comforting look was surely not asking too much, but if the scowl on the face of Grumpy Grumperson was anything to go by, that memo had not been received.

“I was asked to meet a Detective Unders here to identify a body.” GG, as I had nicknamed her, told us to take a seat and she’d let the detective know we’d arrived. We didn’t have to wait long before a very portly and oddly canine-looking man walked over to us. For fuck’s sake, did they all have to look so devoid of any feeling? We were there to find out if Fear’s mother had died; they could at least pretend to give a shit. Fear and I both stood when the detective approached, it didn’t escape my notice that he glanced down at our hands, which were still connected. I’d forgotten that we were holding hands. It felt so comfortable that I hadn’t even thought other people might have a problem with it. From the expression on Doggy Detective’s face, he was not impressed. Fear either didn’t notice the looks we were getting, or just didn’t care. Either way, he ignored them.

“Mr. Williams, I’m Detective Harris Unders. Could you follow me? I need you to confirm if the body recovered is in fact Mrs. Wilson and then I have some questions I need to ask you.” That didn’t sound good. Fear just nodded and told me he’d be right back. Watching them both walk away, my stomach dropped. I wanted to be there for him, but I knew that he wouldn’t want to show weakness in front of Detective Dickhead. God, that guy had rubbed me the wrong way in the few minutes I’d had the displeasure of spending in his company.

It wasn’t until hours later that the silence was shattered by a loud bang followed by a very scary and extremely pissed off Fear. “Let’s go,” was all he managed before he was out the door.
What the fuck happened in there?

I found Fear pacing in front of my car. The waves of rage that were emanating from him were enough to stop me in my tracks. “Fear?” I called out. He stopped stalking, but didn’t face me.

“What happened?” I needed to know what I was dealing with. His phone rang, stopping whatever it was he was going to say. Fear’s hands were shaking so badly that he couldn’t push the buttons on his phone. Seeing him struggle was breaking my heart. Taking the phone from his hand and answering it for him was all I could think to do. It must have been the right thing, because one second I was saying hello to whoever was on the phone, and the next I was in Fear’s arms with his head tucked between my neck and shoulder.

“Fear’s phone.” The connection was really bad; I could just make out the distorted voice.

“Yeah, hi, this is John Masters. I’m trying to get ahold of my wife or Fear.” I could sense his panic even with the shitty connection. I tried to pull back so I could talk to the man who was currently holding me so tight I couldn’t move.

“Fear, it’s John. He can’t get ahold of Hayley. You need to talk to him.” Nothing. No movement or response. Wherever he was in his head, he was there so deep I wasn’t reaching him. “Baby, come on. John needs to know about Hayley and your mum.” The endearment surprised me, but he was scaring me. I was quickly realizing that my emotions were somehow tied to his and right now, they were all over the fucking place. I could feel him shaking his head and then he whispered….

“Please.” That one word broke through whatever obstacle was causing me to hold back. That didn’t mean I was going to bend over, present my ass for the taking, and say, “Here’s your target.” But I wasn’t going to hold back and fight my feelings for him like I’d been doing out of fear of the unknown.

“John, this is Alfie, a friend of Fear’s. I’m sorry; he can’t come to the phone right now. Fear had to identify his mother’s body this afternoon. He isn’t doing so well right now. Hayley is fine, though, and is with Tate back at the house. She had the baby yesterday and Fear didn’t want her having to deal with all this on top of bringing the baby home.” There, I thought that sounded reassuring. The poor guy just learned that he’d become a father from someone he’d never met.

“I’m going to call Tate and tell him to make sure Hayley’s phone is charged, or have her call you with his phone. Is that okay?” After speaking to John a bit more, he agreed. I called Tate and told him everything that had happened and arranged for Hayley to get in contact with John as soon as possible. Turned out, she’d been forcing herself to stay awake and it had all caught up with her and she’d crashed—hard. My Fear overcoat still hadn’t moved and I knew I had to get him out of there.

“What happened in that room?” I asked quietly in his ear. His arms drew tighter around me, and his body, which was already shaking, did so more violently until he was practically vibrating. Rubbing my hand up and down his back, and whispering what I hoped were comforting words in his ear was all I could do for him. I was so out of my depth.

“They cut her head off.”
Please tell me I didn’t hear that right. Please tell me that this man did not just have to go and identify his mother’s decapitated head. Fucking hell. No wonder he’s a fucking mess.
“I hated my mom. Hated her. She was a selfish junkie who only ever thought about herself. But no one should die like that.” Shaking his head, he continued talking into my neck. “She came to me you know, told me she was in trouble. She lied of course. Told me her fella was beating her, but she did come to me for help. I turned my back on her.”

“Hey, this is not your fault. Don’t do that to yourself. She was a troubled woman who obviously associated with the wrong people. Did you tell Detective Dickhead about your mom coming to you?”

“Yeah,” he said, and let me go so fast I almost lost my balance. “I need to get out of here.”

“Come on.” I grabbed his hand and walked him back to the car.
I could feel his anguish with every breath that he took, but I had no idea how to help him. One thing was certain; I was not letting him deal with this alone. Starting the car, I drove in the direction of my house.

The journey only took twenty-five minutes, and we both remained silent. Fear lost in thought and swimming in guilt, while I was trying to think of a way to help ease his distress.

After pulling into the driveway and getting out of the car, I walked to the passenger side of the car and held my hand out for Fear to take, which he did. His hold was so strong it was almost painful and strangely, at the same time, nothing had ever felt as good. It made me feel like he needed me just as much I as I needed to be there for him.

Bringing Fear home was automatic, I hadn’t thought about it. I just wanted to get him somewhere he could feel safe, protected. Which was why I didn’t overthink it when I walked him through the living room and directly to my bedroom. I wasn’t nervous about what I was doing. Instead, there was a feeling of peace in the knowledge that it was exactly where I was meant to be. Walking us both into my bedroom, I closed the door. Why I did so in an otherwise empty house I couldn’t say. Okay, so maybe I was nervous, but the good kind of nerves. I knew it was right.

“I’m going to take your t-shirt off,” I told him. Fear made no comment, but raised his arms so I could lift the bottom of his shirt. As soon as my hands came into contact with his skin, I stopped breathing. All those clichés about lightning bolts and feeling electricity all hit me at the same time. Fear’s chest was huge and his body a work of art. I couldn’t stop myself from moving my hands all over his torso. Taking my time, I caressed every bump and ridge. The hair on his chest had clearly been maintained and only further defined his sculpted chest.

I felt his eyes on me throughout my exploration. He wasn’t rushing me or trying to make me go faster than I could handle. He was just letting me do whatever I wanted to. His clenched fists and heavy breathing were the only indicators of just how much effort letting me lead was costing him. He needed me to be in this with him and wasn’t about to run me off by taking too many chances.

I quickly got rid of my own t-shirt and rested my forehead against his chest, wrapping my arms around him with as much strength as I could muster.

“Fear, hold me back,” I whispered. I needed the connection. His arms immediately came around me and held on. “I don’t know what I am doing. But I want… I want…” Leaning back, I looked Fear in the eyes. “Tell me how to take care of you.” At my words, Fears eyes closed and he bowed his head for a second before pulling me back in. When he finally spoke, I felt each word.

“You’re already doing it.” The kiss that followed was beyond anything that I could’ve dreamt. His large hands held my face and his lips were so soft that if I hadn’t felt their heat, I would’ve thought they were my imagination.

What started out slow soon turned to something indescribable. The power of his tongue in my mouth and the strength of his hands holding me right where he wanted me felt like magic. I was so absorbed in the kiss I hadn’t noticed that we’d been walking backwards until the backs of my legs hit the bed and we went down. My legs parted to accommodate his body on mine.

When he was notched in place between my legs, I could feel just
how much
I would have to accommodate him if we went much further. I knew he wouldn’t be cocktail sausage sized, but I didn’t remember that battering ram from when we woke up in bed together the first time.

“Please tell me that’s a baseball bat in your pocket and not your cock. Because if that
is
mini-Fear, I think it’s safe to predict which one of us will be the one getting fucked in this relationship.” I added a cheeky grin to my statement to help convince him that I was making an effort to lighten the heaviness in the room.

“Relationship?”

“Yep, don’t make a big deal out of it. Just feel incredibly lucky to have a caught a looker like me.” I knew that with his storm of emotions about his mum, I had to give him something else to focus on, even if it was only for a little while. It was time I admitted to myself that distracting him was not my only motivation. The moment he’d held onto me outside the morgue, I’d decided to go for it.

Did it really matter that he was a man? Man, woman, alien, or blow-up doll. If you felt it, you felt it. Fuck anyone who didn’t understand it. I felt more of a connection with Fear than I had with all of my previous girlfriends combined. If that made me gay or bi, so be it. Labels were for people who needed to define everything so they could make sense of it for themselves. I had always preferred to just live my life and let everyone else live theirs. I was the product of a bona fide flower child. Mum had taught me that love was love in whatever form it took.

“You sure?”

“Yep. If I’m going to be gay for anyone, why not a tattooed Godzilla who can kiss me and transport me to another dimension where I just know I’ve been marching in the pride parade for years.”

“You will never get rid of me, you need to be sure.”

“I may be unsure and confused about a lot of things, but you’re not one of them.”

He didn’t answer with words; instead, he started kissing me again. I guess that was Fear’s way of letting me know he approved of my explanation. What Fear lacked in words, he sure made up for in actions.

Fear

Looking down into the most beautiful and expressive green eyes I’d ever seen and knowing he was giving us a chance helped ease the pain in my heart. He wasn’t going shun his feelings and desires just because they were new and unknown. He was going to follow them, and they were leading him straight to me. Thank fuck. He had no idea how badly I needed him. Walking out of that room after seeing Tula like that was the worst thing I’d ever experienced. A hand cupping my face brought me back to the present and the man beneath me. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Alfie replied, looking at me with such sincerity that it caused my heart to beat a little stronger. If he only knew he was the sole reason I was surviving at the moment. 

I could’ve stayed in bed with Alfie and kissed him for the rest of the day, but life would never let me have something so perfect. I knew he had to check on the kids and I wanted to check in on Hayley. I still had no idea how I was going to tell her about Mom. Detective Unders was a fucking asshole and I wouldn’t put it past him to go visit her just to upset her. The whole time he was talking to me, it felt like an interrogation.

Alfie was asleep next to me, looking so peaceful. I was still in shock that he agreed to go all in with me. If I hadn’t seen the determination in his eyes, I would’ve thought he was just talking shit to get my mind off things. I knew there was an element of that, what with him joking about a baseball bat. The man was funny, and I had to admit I nearly laughed when he’d been poking fun at what I was poking him with. He told me that he often hides behind humor when he’s nervous. If nothing else, it should make life interesting. Whatever happened, I knew he would mean the world to me.

Slipping out of the bed and down the hall with my phone, I called Tate to check on Hayley and give him the update on all that had happened since we last spoke.

After the call, all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed with Alfie and forget everything else. John had told Hayley about Tula when he got through to her. She was a mess. Sadly, not because of the loss of her mother. She was more gutted about the lost potential. Our mother never got it together enough to care about anyone but herself, and she would never get to know her grandson. I thought, deep down, Hayley knew that she would never change, but what she felt was the reality that Tula would never get the opportunity to try. Her pain came not from losing her mother, but losing the mom she always wished she had. When she died, she took Hayley’s hope of ever having that mom with her. I spoke to her a little on the phone and she promised me she was okay. She’d spoken to John and that had lit a spark to keep her strong, and JJ needed her. Nothing gave a good mother the strength to hold it together in the face of horrible pain more than the needs of her child. Tate was going to stay with her so I could try to get my head around everything.

I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I hadn’t heard him come in. Still sleepy and looking far too cute, Alfie came over to the couch where I was sitting and curled up on his side, his head in my lap. Not long after, I heard a muffled, “I should’ve brought a blanket out. We could’ve snuggled.”
Did he seriously say snuggle?
When I didn’t respond he opened one eye, peeked up at me, and gave me a little shrug and shy smile. “Don’t judge. I like to snuggle. You wanted this. Well now, you’ve got it. Learn to enjoy the art of a good snuggle.”

“Okay.”

Nodding as if that were a perfectly reasonable request, he wriggled around trying to get comfortable, but something wasn’t working for him. He made himself clear by huffing, getting up, and holding out his hand. “We can’t snuggle like this. Come on.” I didn’t bother to argue. Who knew, maybe I gave good snuggle.
What the fuck is this man doing to me? Since when was I concerned if I gave good snuggle?

Soon, we were both settled back in bed and Alfie was laying half on top of me. His head rested on my chest with his arm across my stomach and our legs intertwined. I’d never have admitted it, but he was right; it was nice to snuggle.

“I spoke to the kids and Yvonne and she’s going to keep them for the night. So do you urm… Want to stay?”

I ran my hand up and down his back, pausing only to trace some of the tattoos on his shoulder. I wish I was able to tell him that he was the only thing keeping me together, but I found myself unable to form my thoughts into words. Every single one of them seemed to be stuck in my throat.

“Not going anywhere unless you’re there,” I said, and felt him smile against my chest. It was quiet for so long I thought he’d fallen back to sleep when he spoke.

“You give good snuggles.” That was when it happened. I couldn’t help it. I smiled an honest to god, real smile. I must’ve moved too, because Alfie looked up at me, and when he caught the smile, he straddled my hips and smiled back at me. “Never underestimate the power of an Alfie snuggle,” he said and gave me a peck on the lips.

My cock had been half-awake with Alfie’s body pressed to mine and woke all the way up, deciding to join the party. Judging by the nervous, yet intrigued, expression on Alfie’s face, he was well aware of the situation.

I could practically hear his mind working double time. I didn’t want to rush him, but at the same time, it felt like I would combust if I didn’t get my hands on him. Alfie came to a decision and climbed off me to stand by the side of the bed. With shaking hands, he unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them, along with his underwear, down until they fell to the floor with a thump. The sight of him standing there naked, looking shy and unsure sent a shot of lust and fire right through me. When he was completely free from his own jeans, he leaned over the bed and clumsily started working on opening mine. His hands shook, but he eventually got them open and gave them a tug. I raised my hips up to help him.

I couldn’t do anything else, I was too afraid to let go of the death grip I had on the sheet. I didn’t want to pounce on him, scaring him, and pushing him too far too quickly. My loose hold on my restraint could snap at any second and Alfie was in no way ready for what I would do if that happened. I was terrified that I’d make the wrong move, causing him to freak out. It was all so new to him and I didn’t want him to doubt his choice. I just wanted to touch him so badly, feel him under me and show him how good I could make him feel. How good I could make us both feel.

As soon as we were both naked, Alfie climbed back onto the bed and leaned over me, very timidly placing a gentle kiss on my lips.

“Am I doing this right? I can snuggle with the best of them, but this is outside my area of expertise.” The blush that colored his skin showed just how far out of his element he truly was.

“Can I touch you?” I asked. At Alfie’s nod, I rolled us both over so I was on top of him and slowly ran my hands up and down his arms and over his chest. I could see the nervousness in his eyes, but more than that, I saw his resolve. He wanted this. He wanted my touch. Knowing that I was the first man to ever touch him that way warmed my heart as much as it did my body. I wanted to take care of him in a way I hadn’t felt before. His body was vibrating with anxious energy and I wanted nothing more than to soothe him. To let him know how much his willingness to share himself with me meant. It would have been so much easier for him to run and deny what he was feeling.

I shifted my body down lower so I was resting on his thighs with a perfect view of his very hard and already weeping cock. Keeping my eyes on his, I reached out and grasped him. Very slowly, I started to move my hand up and down with a firm grip. His sharp intake of breath was quickly followed by a low moan. Alfie tilted his head back and closed his eyes, getting lost in the sensation. Fuck. He looked so beautiful. Unable to resist, I start to tug on my own cock.

“Look at me,” I urged. Alfie immediately obeyed. “More?” I questioned.

“Yeah,” he whispered breathily.

Moving down his body, I settled between his legs. I leaned down and took ahold of his amazing long and thick cock, just licking the crown. I couldn’t stop the moan that came when the first taste of him hit my tongue. He truly was perfect. At that moment, nothing could have stopped me. The only thing I could think about was that I had to make him come. I had tunnel vision where Alfie’s pleasure was concerned. There was a deep need in me to show him everything that we could be. Taking all of him into my throat in one leisurely glide, I swallowed around his weeping tip. Alfie was quick to react to the new sensation, and considering the noises he was making, he was definitely enjoying what I was doing. So much so that he was completely lost in the moment, unaware that his hips had stared to move and were now thrusting, forcing his cock in and out of my mouth. “Fuck. Fuck. Stop, stop… you’re gonna make me come,” he shouted.

Needing to taste him, I ignored his warning and ramped up my efforts, sucking him harder and tightening my grip around his base. His breath came in short, fast pants and urged me on. I loved that it was me making him feel that way, that he had the courage to let go enough to just feel. Gripping him, I swallowed around his cockhead again, enjoying the full body shudder my action caused.

I slowly pulled him out of my mouth, and using my tongue, I licked the underside of him from his balls to the leaking slit. His reactions grew more erratic with each touch, lick, and suck. With my free hand, I reached between his legs and began massaging his heavy sack. “Fuck. Fear, I’m coming,” Alfie hollered seconds before exploding in my mouth. I swallowed his seed down greedily until there was nothing left. I didn’t want to waste a single drop. Everything in him was mine. When he became so sensitive that he started to squirm, I let him slowly slip from my mouth. My cock was still painfully hard, but I ignored it and crawled up his body to rest beside him. For me it was all about him. The fact he wanted to comfort me and had the fucking balls to just go for it made him the bravest person I knew. Losing myself in him, if only for a short time was just what I needed. Reality could wait for a while longer. 

Alfie hadn’t moved. His arm was slung over his eyes and his chest was rising and falling fast. I reached out and moved his arm, maneuvering his body so that I could cradle him in my arms with his head on my chest.

“Fuck,” he said with a wide smile. “That was… that was… Holy fuck that was, I have no fucking clue what that was. But can we do it again real soon?”

“Anytime.”

Alfie was silent for a second then he looked me in the eyes. “Do you want me to… do you?”

“No.” It was perfect. What he gave me was beyond what I expected so soon and the fact that he put himself in my hands and trusted me to guide him through it—nothing could’ve made it better. “It was perfect,” I told him and leaned down to kiss him. He opened to me without hesitation and allowed me to control the kiss. Any discomfort I was in from still being as hard as rock faded with the knowledge that he was mine and wasn’t going to freak about what we’d just done. We had all the time in the world to explore and learn each other.

Relaxing back on the bed, my mind couldn’t help but slip back to thoughts of what happened that morning. The images kept swimming in my mind and if Alfie weren’t there to anchor me, I knew I would never have survived the experience. I didn’t expect I’d be able to sleep, but nothing on the planet would get me out of that bed and away from Alfie.