Southern Hearts (16 page)

After tossing on my denim cutoffs, my tan sleeveless tank and snatching my shoes from the closet I had bolted from the house, forgetting in my haste some important supplies, namely water. And now as the sun beat down on the surface of my forearm, burrowing a course through muscle and inching toward bone, I was consumed by dehydration. My stroke had become limp and effortless, my mouth dry and coated with a white unrecognizable film. I thought of taking a swig from the muddy, amber-tinted water that I was all but immersed in, but at the thought of dysentery, I abandoned the idea.

“Hello out there!” a voice called through the thicket to my right.

“Hi,” I said, quickly taking note of Lani as she moved out into the clearing just ahead of me. I slipped the boat into the shallow, then pulled it up alongside as I waded to shore.

“I thought you might like something to drink. I saw you coming from the sun porch and thought you looked a little overheated,” Lani said, handing me a tall glass of sweet tea.

“Oh God, yes. Like a fool I left the house without packing a thermos. Pretty dumb, huh?”

I chugged the entire contents of the glass.

Lani grinned, eyeing me as I poured the last drop of tea over my lips and then licked the perspiration from its slick sides. “I’m thinking I should have brought down the pitcher,” she teased.

I eyed her wryly. “I was more thirsty then I thought.”

“Well, come on up to the house and rest for a while.”

I nodded, then followed close behind, the glass still in my grip. I sat down in one of the many lawn chairs, frantically gulping down my second glass of tea when Lani refilled it, then she sat down next to me putting her bare feet up and lying back.

“I just happened to be taking some boxes out of the garage when I saw you. Were you coming to see me?”

“I...” I had started a response before I had even acknowledged how awkward my appearance must have seemed to her, and until that very second I had forgotten all about what had taken place between us last night at the bar. I felt stupid, embarrassed by my comments and by the besotted state that had induced them to begin with. I took a lengthy sip of tea as I thought about my answer. “Actually, I didn’t even know you lived down this way.”
Dumb! Wrong answer!
I scolded myself.

“Oh,” Lani said, detaching her gaze harshly from mine.

“I mean...I would have come...here...had I known.”
What the hell am I talking about,
I wondered, shaking my head at my foolishness.

Lani had turned her attention elsewhere, and the conversation lulled. We sat without talking for what seemed to be several long minutes, glancing at one another uneasily, then away.

“I saw your mother a few days ago, she’s looking well.” Lani’s tone raised as if she were pushing herself to make an attempt at conversation.

“She has her good days and her bad ones.” I didn’t list the specifics of my mother’s illness; somehow I knew Lani was already aware of her condition.

“I see you’ve just about got all of your stuff ready,” I said, noticing a wall of boxes lining one wall just inside the garage’s open door. The sight caused a wad of spit to clog at the base of my throat, and I looked down at the ground, than back at Lani, grinning at her thinly.

She sat upright, straightening herself solidly over the indents of the lounger, then widening her eyes confidently. “Yes, just about. Most of my stuff is still in storage in California, so I’ll have to get that shipped out later.” Her voice was sharp and crisp.

“Do you miss living in California?” I asked hesitantly. I was feeling out of sorts, and I was grasping for words.

“Sometimes. Sometimes I liked it there more, and had the circumstances been different, maybe I would have stayed. But I guess overall it was a good experience for me. I met a lot of great people and have some really nice friends. Sacramento has a rather tight-knit gay and lesbian community, so that was a comfort.” Her features softened. “Sometimes I think of going back there, maybe for good. But now that I have this new job, my new permanent home could turn out to be New York. If I like it, that is.”

“Are you out to your family?”

“I came out to my mom when I was twelve. I think I did it just to shock her. I can’t even recall being that sure I was a lesbian at that age.”

“How does she handle it now?” I asked, running my fingertips through my hair as sweat dripped from my brow.

“She doesn’t, she pretends it doesn’t exist and I allow her that liberty.”

“Must be hard.”

“Not really. Actually, it keeps her out of my business. She doesn’t ask and I don’t tell. Works out great, I think. How does your mom feel about it?”

“I guess you could say we have an understanding too.” I smiled politely and didn’t elaborate, but my smile broadened as I thought of our unspoken secret.

I intently watched Lani’s mouth form vowels and consonants, the pucker of her crimson lips as they molded around the words and they way they hugged the punctuation at the end. It was alluring, like a tornado in my gut, and as she continued, her voice dipping then spiking with expressiveness, I felt a pinch of wetness between my legs I didn’t know what it was about her, but it drove me insane. My heart traipsed wildly over every beat as I listened. I so wanted to touch her, to put my hand around her face, cupping it. I wanted to smell her fragrance and caress the silky strands of her hair with my fingers.

“I never thought I would be living in New York, that’s for sure,” Lani continued, turning my train of thought. “But I guess you have to follow the path of life and deal with it.” She grinned wearily and sat back, allowing her shoulders to relax into the seat.

“I...” She didn’t seem to hear me. I wanted to speak, but couldn’t. There were a lot of things I wanted in that tiny section of time. But I put the rim of the glass back up to my mouth, letting the shards of ice poke around the inside.

Night crept up on us until we were stalked from all sides by the twinkle of stars, the flicker of fireflies, and the hum of crickets. Lani and I had spoken little over the last few hours. We sat smiling toward the sky, listening to the faint hoot of an owl in the distance and absorbing every bite we could of the approaching twilight. I think in both our minds we knew that this would be our last night together. Our last time to say what still had remained unsaid and embed each other’s every characteristic into the fiber of our memory. I wasn’t exactly sure how Lani felt—about me, about leaving, or about the things we had shared over the summer. Maybe to her they were as insignificant as a swimsuit in the dead of winter, or maybe, like me, she was afraid to face what she was really feeling.

I had spent so many years trying dispel my Southern upbringing, but as I sat here, now, looking at Lani, I knew I was just as fearful as I knew my mother must have been on the New Jersey boardwalk some forty years ago, watching the one she loved fade away from her. It was a fright that was unlike any I had ever known, one that was all but paralyzing me by its constriction.

“I wanted to...” I tried again to verbalize my feelings.

“It’s getting late, I’ll take you home now if you want.” Lani stood up, running her hands down her bare thighs.

“That’s okay, I’ll call Tami and she can—”

She interrupted. “Don’t be silly, it’s much easier for me to do it. We can throw the boat in the back of my dad’s old pickup.”

Before I responded, she darted down to the shore, yanking up one end, then dragging the canoe toward the house. I met her halfway, lifting the other side and then hoisting it up over our heads. “Okay, I guess you’re taking me.”

Resting the canoe’s aluminum point on the metal of the truck’s bumper, I held one hand out to unlock the tailgate. Lani took the boat from my grip, hurling it up over my head and into the truck bed.

“There we go!”

My eyes popped at this demonstration of her strength. I let out a grunt, then put my hands squarely to my hips and laughed in disbelief as she climbed into the truck and revved the engine.

“Why don’t you just tie a string around my waist and pull me along behind?” I asked at what seemed to be her eagerness to get rid of me.

“No need for that. The doors on this old gal don’t shut all the way. If you get out of hand I’ll just push you out.”

I looked at her from the corner of my eyes, unsure if she was kidding, then climbed into the truck.

We were silent during the short drive to my family home. Lani dimmed the headlights as she pulled onto the crackle of gravel of the driveway, stopping just shy of the lawn shed. She hopped out.

“Where do you keep it?”

I looked around, then back at her. “Oh, the boat. Down by the water.”

She shot me a grin, then heaved the canoe up over the panel of the truck and down across the lawn. We dropped it on the ground, resting it at the protruding base of a cypress.

“Wait!” I fell back, my feet sliding out from under me on the newly sprinkled grass.

Lani roared as I toppled into the water.

“Very funny.”

“Here.” She reached her hand to mine.

“Ha ha.” I pulled her in with me.

“Now that’s not funny!” she said, bending down and splashing me.

Moonlight flickered across the crown of her head and her eyes looked into mine, and in that moment I couldn’t prevent what was about to transpire. I pulled her in to me, her soaked breasts pressing firmly to mine. I felt her chest rise boldly to my touch as I put my lips daintily to hers and we kissed. My lungs imploded, my stomach twisted, and my head flooded with pleasure as the surface of her tongue tenderly rubbed mine. Her eyelids delicately closed, her neck rolled back and her head tilted back into my arms, and she panted as I traced her earlobe.

“I....” she moaned.

I recaptured her mouth with mine, pulling her into me and tasting her once again.

“Don’t do this, please,” she said softly.

My attention wavered in that moment to the
no
that was playing across her lips. She opened her eyes wide, let out a deep sigh, then moved away from my hold.

“Damn you!” she said distantly, crawling up the mushy sand of the riverbed. Without turning back, she walked to the truck and drove off.

“You two deserve each other,” I called out in anger. I dropped my glance and stood still, feeling defiled by my actions.