Shattered Soul (14 page)

It was around two o’clock the next afternoon when Ali
finally decided she couldn’t put off going home any longer.

After she left, I lay across my bed, watching shadows
slide up and down the walls and roll across my ceiling. It had been
two and a half days I’d been up, and now that I was seeing shadow
people, I knew it was time to sleep.

I hadn’t eaten anything during that time either, and
my stomach wouldn’t let me forget it. Each grumble and growl hurt,
like my insides were twisting into tight knots. My legs felt weak
and restless, and my fingers and hands felt stiff and sore from
drawing for so many hours straight. My head hurt, my jaw ached from
chewing gum and clenching my teeth, and my mouth was incredibly
dry.

I felt like I was dying.

I laid in my bed, tossing and turning, watching the
shadows creep across my ceiling and down my walls, swearing I could
hear people walking up and down the hall until I eventually drifted
off to sleep.

I slept away my entire Sunday and woke around four
a.m. Monday morning, but only because I had to pee. I sipped some
ice water and munched on Tortilla chip crumbs from the bottom of
the bag and a piece of bread. Once I’d gotten a shower, I felt one
hundred times better, and by then it was time to walk to
school.

I thought of Ali the whole way there, hoping her
parents hadn’t been able to tell how messed up she’d been when she
got home. I couldn’t wait to see her.

I crossed the street and stepped over the curb. It
was already crowded underneath the smoking trees, something which
irritated me. All I cared about was finding Trip and bumming a
cigarette before heading to first period to see Ali. I got lucky,
because the two of them were standing together, along with
Miranda.

“Hey!” Ali smiled once I walked up.

“Hey,” I said. I put my arm around her waist and my
irritated mood vanished.

After I smoked a cigarette, Ali and I walked to first
period together.

“Do you have anything on you today?” Ali asked, once
we’d almost made it inside the main building.

“What do you mean?” I wondered, even though I already
knew what she meant. I just couldn’t believe she was asking; she’d
surprised me.

“You know,” she smiled.

I grinned at her. “No, I wish, though.”

“Well, can you get anything from your house
later?”

“Probably nothing like what we did the other night,
but I’m sure I can get something,” I said, perturbed she seemed so
persistent. “Why?”

She glared at me. “It’s the last day of school and I
want to celebrate.”

Relief flooded my mind. It was the last day of
school, summer break began at 3:05 this afternoon. “Right,” I
said.

She locked her fingers with mine and we turned the
corner into Mrs. Gilbert’s class for the last time. “I wish you
could get some more of what we did the other night, though. The
coming down part was pretty horrible, but you were right, how I
felt while on it made it all worth it.”

I shifted my gaze to look at her. What she’d said
both scared and excited me at the same time. We unlocked hands and
took our seats. I couldn’t wait for this day to be over with,
because Ali and I were going to have a shit load of fun
tonight.

Summer began officially at 3:05 that afternoon, I
blinked and it was already the fourth of July. At least that’s how
fast the first few days of summer seemed to pass, and during that
time, my whole life seemed to change just as quickly.

Calvin started selling more, claiming it was in order
to keep up with the bills Mom obviously wasn’t worried about
paying. I believed that was part of the reason, but I also believed
Calvin enjoyed his rise up the drug dealer ladder, too, because
with it came more money and more drugs. Kerri became a regular face
in my house, the same way Brent and Jade had. I was still unsure
whose girl she was, but I thought she favored Calvin more, probably
because he was the one with all the supply. Trip and Miranda turned
into an official couple, and I’d never seen Trip happier.

As for Ali and I, we became inseparable, always
spending time together smoking, popping pills, or drinking. There
was nothing Ali wouldn’t try when she was with me. I told myself it
was because Ali felt safe with me, but deep down, I began to
question if that was the truth or a lie I was telling myself.

I sat at the edge of my bed, slipping on a pair of
socks. I shoved my feet into an already tied pair of worn Vans. It
was 7:30 at night and I was getting ready for Ali to pick me up; we
were supposed to meet up with Trip and Miranda at the bridge before
the fireworks began.

I stashed a fat joint in the side of my shoe and
headed towards the living room to bum another cigarette off Kerri,
since she was the only one who smoked menthols.

Calvin was folding a wad of money when I stepped into
the living room. He shoved it into the front pocket of his
backpack, must be time for paying dues and re-upping. I quickly
shifted my gaze to Kerri, hoping Calvin wouldn’t tell me I had to
go with him.

“Hey,” I nodded to her. “Can I bum another
cigarette?”

She ran her fingers through her hair. “Yeah, sure,”
she muttered flatly, pulling one from the pack that rested on her
thigh.

“Thanks.” I pulled out my lighter and lit it.

“You gonna be around to party with us later?” Calvin
asked. “I’m headed to Dope Man’s in a minute and I got some
fireworks for later.”

I started towards the front door. “Nah, already got
plans.”

“Oh, really? Well in that case, tell
Ali
I
said hello…” Calvin uttered as I pulled the door closed behind
me.

A shiver of anger slashed through me, not at the
words he’d spoken, but at the way he’d said them. Calvin was always
so freaking smug sounding whenever he said her name.

I stopped outside my front door and took another drag
off my cigarette while I tried to tame my sudden flare of anger
before Ali pulled up.

Two minutes later she pulled into my driveway,
windows down, stereo blaring. A grin sprung onto my face at the
sight of her. I scraped my cigarette out on the bottom of my shoe
and tossed the butt into the old citronella candle overflowing with
butts beside the door.

“Hey!” Ali greeted me with a peck on the lips once I
climbed into the passenger seat. “Sorry I’m a little late. I wasn’t
one hundred percent sure my parents would let me skip going to the
fireworks with them.”

I put my hand on her thigh as she backed out of my
driveway. “I’m glad they did.” I smiled.

“Me too. Did you remember to bring a joint?” she
asked.

“Yep.” I raised my foot and shook it.

“Good…at least we’ll have something,” she said, a
bitterness in her tone.

At least we’ll have something
. I repeated her
words in my mind, not liking the way she’d said them. I laid my
head back against the seat and let out my breath slowly. I already
knew where this conversation was heading and dread spread through
me quickly.

“Wish you could get something else.” She shifted her
gaze from the road for a split second to glance at me. “Calvin
doesn’t have anything we could buy off him?”

I didn’t look at her. I continued to lay back while I
stared out the windshield. I couldn’t stand the fact she’d asked me
that question about Calvin more than twice already this week.

Ali was changing, and I was still refusing to even
think the word people might use to describe what she was becoming.
I’d noticed little things lately, but I always found another reason
other than the truth for me to believe. The excuse I used most
often: Ali was becoming more like us, she was just blending in. A
lie, something I was slowly beginning to see.

I turned my head to face her. “No, he doesn’t have
anything.”

She let out a long, annoyed breath and her fingers
gripped the wheel tighter. “Well. I guess tonight won’t be as fun
as I’d hoped,” she huffed.

“It could still be fun,” I smirked, squeezing her
inner thigh, insinuating what else might make the night better for
her.

She rolled her eyes, a forced smile tugged at the
corners of her lips. “I guess.”

I pulled my hand back and leaned my head against the
seat again. Rejected.

We didn’t speak the remainder of the ride. This was
us, this is what it had been like for the last week. If I hadn’t
known better, I would have asked if she was on the rag. But
unfortunately, I already knew that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was, I’d made a mistake that night in
offering Ali her very first taste. Since then, I’d made the same
mistake two more times in the last three weeks. And now, Ali was
asking for it again. Guilt weighed heavy on my heart and I felt I
needed to be strong for the both of us before this spun out of
control, even if that meant lying to her about whether or not
Calvin had any.

I turned my head and looked at her, really looked at
her. She’d traded in her shimmery eye shadows for simple black
eyeliner, and pale pink nail polish for crimson red. Her bright,
preppy look was becoming a little darker and more relaxed looking
by the day. But, no matter what she wore or what color she painted
her nails, Ali was still beautiful to me. I felt my love for her
growing by the day, almost as quickly as her addiction.

We parked beside Trip’s beater of a Mustang and
walked up the concrete steps. Ali perked up the moment Trip and
Miranda came into view. I found myself wondering how much of it was
an act, but squashed the thought before it had a chance to ruin my
night any more than it already was.

“What’s up, guys?” Trip asked, putting his fist out
for me to bang.

I bumped it and nodded. “Not much, man.”

“Let’s blaze!” Miranda said holding up two blunts
between her fingers.

I took the joint I’d rolled from my shoe and we lit
all three, passing them around in a circle between us.

Close to two hours passed before anyone spoke of
leaving. I’d loosened up and pushed all of my thoughts from the
ride out of my mind, and Ali seemed to be edging towards a better
mood, too. The sky had become streaked with shades of pink, orange,
and purple by the time we finally stood to leave.

“You guys ready? We should probably get there soon,
before all the good spots on the hill are taken,” Trip said,
tossing his arm over Miranda’s shoulder.

“Actually, I need to make a pit stop at Seth’s first.
I’ve got to pee so freaking bad and there’s no way I’m using a
port-a-potty!” Ali insisted.

“Ew, don’t blame you!” Miranda agreed. “We’ll save
you guys a spot.”

Ali interlaced her fingers with mine and we all
headed back towards the cars. I flashed her a crooked grin, hoping
like hell that was the true reason she wanted to stop by my house,
that, and for Calvin and the others to not be home once we got
there.

Lights were on in the house and Kerri’s black Kia
Optima sat parked behind my mom’s car when we pulled up. My heart
sank and I prayed nothing would be sitting out and nothing would be
offered to us once we walked in the door.

Ali bounded out of the car and ran to the front door.
I followed right behind her, my heart thudding forcefully in my
chest the whole way. She opened the front door and low music filled
my ears, along with the smell of food.

“Hi…bathroom!” Ali squeaked, speed walking down the
hall.

I closed the door behind me and remained where I was,
relieved by the normal scene in front of me. Everyone was spread
out on the furniture, eating burgers and fries.

Calvin took a sip of his soda, his eyes on me.
“Decided to come back, huh?” he smirked. “Want the burger and fries
mom told us to get her? She’s passed out.”

“No, we’re not staying,” I said, despising the way he
was glaring at me, like he’d had me pegged or something and known
all along I’d be back.

“Right, forgot you guys had plans.” He took another
bite of his burger to hide the smirk I could clearly see
forming.

I shoved my hands deep into my pockets to hide the
fact they’d balled into fists and wished for Ali to hurry.

Ali came down the hall a few moments later, wiping
her hands against the front of her shorts.

“Better,” she grinned, stepping to my side. “What are
you guys up to tonight, you going to the fireworks?” she asked.

“Nope, I bought some,” Calvin answered, pointing to
the dining room table where they sat in plastic bags.

“Cool,” Ali muttered, eyeing them.

“You ready?” I asked her, eager to leave.

“Sure.”

“If you guys want to hang around for a minute or two
while we finish eating, I’ll chop one out for you,” Calvin offered,
his eyes fixating on mine. There was a smugness in his stare that
made my blood boil.

I loathed him right now. Calvin knew Ali had done it
with me a few times. It was like any other drug, once you’ve done
it, you can spot someone else on it from a mile away. He’d figured
it out the last time and I detested the fact that he knew, because
I knew it would only be a matter of time before he offered it to
Ali himself.

Now was that time. I’d already told him no once, and
here he was offering again, this time to Ali, too.

“No,” I blurted out at the same time I heard Ali
answer, “Sure,” beside me.

My heart skipped a beat and I saw victory flash
across Calvin’s face.

“Come on, let’s just do one,” Ali insisted with a
smile, in an attempt to persuade me.

“No, I'm not going to and I don’t think you should
either,” I said point blank.

Her lips pursed together, obviously not liking my
words. “I’m doing one,” she proclaimed, turning her big blue eyes
on me. “Then we can go meet up with Trip and Miranda.”