Revenge of the Dragon Lady (7 page)

Sir Herbert and Sir Ichabod founded Dragon Slayers’ Academy on a simple principle still held dear today: Any lad—no matter how weak, yellow-bellied, lazy, pigeon-toed, smelly, or unwilling—can be transformed into a fearless dragon slayer who goes for the gold. After four years at DSA, lads will finally be of some worth to their parents, as well as a source of great wealth to this distinguished academy.
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Mordred graduated from Dragon Bludgeon High, second in his class. The other student, Lionel Flyzwattar, went on to become headmaster of Dragon Stabbers’ Prep. Mordred spent years as part-time, semi-substitute student teacher at Dragon Whackers’ Alternative School, all the while pursuing his passion for mud wrestling. Inspired by how filthy rich Flyzwattar had become by running a school, Mordred founded Dragon Slayers’ Academy in CMLXXIV, and has served as headmaster ever since.

Known to the Boys as:
Mordred de Miser
Dream:
Piles and piles of dragon gold
Reality:
Yet to see a single gold coin
Best-Kept Secret:
Mud wrestled under the name
Macho-Man Mordie
Plans for the Future:
Will retire to the Bahamas... as
soon as he gets his hands on a hoard

Lobelia de Marvelous is Mordred’s sister and a graduate of the exclusive If-You-Can-Read-This-You-Can-Design-Clothes Fashion School. Lobelia has offered fashion advice to the likes of King Felix the Husky and Eric the Terrible Dresser. In CMLXXIX, Lobelia married the oldest living knight, Sir Jeffrey Scabpicker III. That’s when she gained the title of Lady Lobelia, but—alas!—only a very small fortune, which she wiped out in a single wild shopping spree. Lady Lobelia has graced Dragon Slayers’ Academy with many visits, and can be heard around campus saying, “Just because I live in the Middle Ages doesn’t mean I have to look middle-aged.”

Known to the Boys as:
Lady Lo Lo
Dream:
Frightfully fashionable
Reality:
Frightful
Best-Kept Secret:
Shops at Dark-Age Discount Dress
Dungeon
Plans for the Future:
New uniforms for the boys with
mesh tights and lace tunics

Sir Mort is our well-loved professor of Dragon Slaying for Beginners as well as Intermediate and Advanced Dragon Slaying. Sir Mort says that, in his youth, he was known as the Scourge of Dragons. (We’re not sure what it means, but it sounds scary.) His last encounter was with the most dangerous dragon of them all: Knightshredder . Early in the battle, Sir Mort took a nasty blow to his helmet and has never been the same since.

Known to the Boys as:
The Old Geezer
Dream:
Outstanding Dragon Slayer
Reality:
Just plain out of it
Best-Kept Secret:
He can’t remember
Plans for the Future:
Taking a little nap

Coach Plungett spent many years questing in the Dark Forest before joining the Athletic Department at DSA. When at last he strode out of the forest, leaving his dragon-slaying days behind him, Coach Plungett was the most muscle-bulging, physically fit, manliest man to be found anywhere north of Nowhere Swamp. “I am what you call a hunk,” the coach admits. At DSA, Plungett wears a number of hats—or, helmets. Besides PE Teacher, he is Slaying Coach, Square-Dance Director, Pep-Squad Sponsor, and Privy Inspector. He hopes to meet a damsel—she needn’t be in distress—with whom he can share his love of heavy metal music and long dinners by candlelight.

Known to the Boys as:
Coach
Dream:
Tough as nails
Reality:
Sleeps with a stuffed dragon named Foofoo
Best-Kept Secret:
Just pull his hair
Plans for the Future:
Finding his lost lady love

Brother Dave is the DSA librarian. He belongs to the Little Brothers of the Peanut Brittle, an order known for doing impossibly good deeds and cooking up endless batches of sweet peanut candy. How exactly did Brother Dave wind up at Dragon Slayers’ Academy? After a batch of his extra-crunchy peanut brittle left three children from Toenail toothless, Brother Dave vowed to do a truly impossible good deed. Thus did he offer to be librarian at a school world-famous for considering reading and writing a complete and utter waste of time. Brother Dave hopes to change all that.