Reawakened by the Surgeon's Touch (13 page)

Jude opened his eyes and stared at the water. He needed to ask himself a question and it was such a momentous one that he needed every faculty in full working order. Was he falling in love with Claire or was it the fact that he was so far removed from everything he knew that he was misinterpreting his feelings?

He stood there for a long time, waiting for the answer to come to him, but it remained stubbornly out of reach. He sighed as he turned around and made his way back to the hospital. He would have to wait a while longer, it appeared, and in the meantime he would do what he'd said he would and stay away from Claire. Falling in love had never been on his agenda, and falling in love with a woman who could never love him in return would be a huge mistake. If there was any way to stop it happening then he would find it, so help him!

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

T
HE
TIME
FLEW
PAST
,
one day running into the next without a pause. They didn't even stop at the weekends but worked straight through. It was a gruelling schedule which was why most people only remained in Mwuranda for three months at a time. Claire was the exception, although she knew that she would have to leave soon. She wasn't surprised, therefore, when a letter arrived, informing her that she must leave the country in two weeks' time when her visa expired.

She showed the letter to Lesley as they rode into town on the truck. She had stayed over at the college the night before as there had been no transport available to ferry her back to the convent. She had tried to avoid staying there since that morning in the office. The memory of what had so nearly happened between her and Jude was still very raw and it had seemed wiser to keep out of his way. However, she'd had no choice other than to stay, but as Jude had been rostered for the night shift, it had made it easier.

‘So that's it, then. You must be looking forward to going back to England, Claire, even if it's only for a rest.' Lesley grimaced as she handed back the letter. ‘I have to admit that I'm more than ready to go home and I've only been here for a fraction of the time you have.'

‘I suppose so,' Claire replied as she slipped the letter into her pocket.

‘Only suppose?' Lesley frowned. ‘Aren't you looking forward to seeing your family and friends again?'

‘Yes, of course I am.' Claire dredged up a smile, although the thought of being back in London was making her feel rather anxious. She still wasn't sure how she would cope if she saw Andrew again.

‘Hmm. Well, I have to say that it doesn't sound like it,' Lesley retorted. ‘Could it be the thought of leaving behind the handsome Dr Slater that's taking the shine off the idea?'

‘No! Don't be ridiculous!' Claire exclaimed. She felt the colour run up her face when Lesley treated her to an old-fashioned look. ‘Jude has nothing to do with it—that's the truth.'

‘Methinks the lady doth protest too much,' Lesley misquoted with a grin. ‘Come on, love, you know you fancy him something rotten. It's as plain as the nose on your face, as is the fact that he feels the same about you. What I don't understand is why you're so determined to keep him at arm's length. You're young, free and single, so why not do what comes naturally?'

‘You're wrong. I don't fancy him,' Claire protested, although she knew that Lesley wouldn't believe her.

Fortunately, they had reached the hospital and she was able to make her escape, but the thought plagued her for the rest of the day. Was she making a mistake by avoiding getting involved with Jude? As Lesley had pointed out, there was nothing to stop her, so why didn't she come clean, admit that she wasn't a nun and have an affair with him?

Maybe it was what she needed to finally kill off the demons from her past. If she could prove to herself that she could cope with intimacy then what had happened would no longer rule her life. She didn't
have
to tell Jude about the rape either. It could remain her secret. There was no law that said you had to tell someone every little detail about your life, was there?

Her thoughts whirled as though they were on a merry-go-round but she still couldn't make up her mind what to do. The thought of withholding the truth from him if they did start a relationship didn't sit easily with her and yet the alternative was equally unpalatable. If she knew how he would react if she told him, it would be easier to decide, but that was something she couldn't foretell. She couldn't bear it if he looked at her with disgust once he found out. It would break her heart.

* * *

Jude only found out that Claire was leaving by chance when he overheard Lesley and Amy talking at dinner that night. He bent over his plate, struggling to get a grip as his emotions ran riot. He knew that Claire had been avoiding him since that morning in the office but he couldn't complain as he had been avoiding her too. Despite trying to pin down his feelings, he still wasn't sure how he felt. Oh, he was attracted to her—there was no question about that. He wanted her more than he had wanted any woman and not just physically either. He wanted to spend time with her—talking, laughing or even sitting in silence—and he had never felt that way about anyone before. But was it love? Real love? The kind that lasted for ever and ever?

The nagging thought that his feelings were intensified by the fact he was so far removed from his natural habitat lingered at the back of his mind and he was afraid of making a mistake, especially when it wouldn't make a scrap of difference to the outcome. He couldn't have Claire and even if he
was
falling in love with her, nothing would change in that respect, so why torture himself by wishing for the impossible? By the time he went to his room after dinner had finished, Jude's spirits were at an all-time low. He had come to Mwuranda to prove himself. What he had never expected was that it would turn his whole world upside down.

* * *

Claire had taken the morning off to pack. There was a plane due the following day bringing in fresh supplies and the plan was that she would fly back to England on it. Although there was another week left on her visa, it would only complicate matters if she booked herself onto a scheduled flight. Flights in and out of Mwuranda were dicey at the best of times and could be cancelled without warning. She didn't want to risk falling foul of the authorities by outstaying her visa. She had just finished packing the few clothes she planned to take back with her when one of the nuns came hurrying into the room and asked her if she had seen Jeremiah. Apparently, he hadn't turned up for lessons and no one had seen him since breakfast.

Claire abandoned her packing while she helped the sisters search the convent but there was no sign of him inside or out. He had become increasingly withdrawn since he had been told that nothing could be done about his leg and several times had gone off on his own. However, he had never been missing for this long. While Sister Julie went inside to telephone the hospital in case he had found his way there, Claire decided to check the route he would have taken. She was worried in case he had fallen and injured himself and was unable to get back.

The air was stifling as she left the convent. She was wearing one of the nuns' dresses again that day and she could feel the sun burning through the light grey cotton. It was only a few miles to the hospital, although the nuns never walked there. There were still rebel factions operating in the area and it was safer to be driven there and back. Claire kept a wary eye on the surrounding scrubland as she followed the path, but she saw no sign of the rebels. She also saw no sign of Jeremiah and her concern intensified as she reached the trees that marked the boundary of the hospital's grounds. Where on earth had he got to?

She went to step out of the trees then stopped abruptly when the sound of gunfire ripped across the clearing. Dropping to the ground, she tried to make out where it was coming from, her heart sinking when she spotted a group of men at the opposite side of the clearing. They were obviously rebel soldiers although she had no idea why they had decided to attack the hospital. The Worlds Together team had made it clear that they were impartial. It meant that they had been able to carry out their work in relative safety. What had happened to change that was a mystery, but there was little doubt that the hospital was under attack.

Claire remained where she was while she debated her options. She was just trying to decide if the nun's habit would offer her any protection when a movement caught her eye. Alarm ran through her when she spotted Jeremiah standing amongst the trees. It was obvious that he was about to make a run for it to reach the hospital and that was the last thing he must do. The rebels offered no concessions when it came to age; they would gun down a child as readily as they would a grown man. Claire knew she had to stop him and that to do so she had to put herself at risk. Stepping out of the trees, she shouted to him.

‘Stay there! Do you hear me, Jeremiah? Don't move!'

There was another volley of shots and she gasped when she felt a burning pain in her right thigh. She fell to the ground, holding her breath when she realised that Jeremiah had ignored her and was attempting to cross the clearing. A man suddenly ran out of the hospital and her heart leapt when she recognised Jude. He picked up Jeremiah and carried him to safety then turned around and headed straight to her.

Claire watched in horror, sure that he would get himself shot, but, miraculously, he made it safely. He dropped to his knees beside her and her breath caught when she saw the expression on his face. She had never seen such fear on anyone's face before, but why? Because he feared for his own life, or because he was afraid for her? She had no idea, but the thought that he might care so much about her filled her with joy. In that second she finally admitted what she had been trying to deny for weeks: she wanted Jude to care about her. She wanted him to love her.

‘Is it just your leg that's been hit?' Jude demanded, clamping down on the fear that was turning his blood to ice. He couldn't afford to fall apart. Claire needed him to be strong and he mustn't let her down. ‘Claire, listen to me!' he instructed urgently when she failed to answer. ‘Have you been hit anywhere else apart from your leg?'

Even before she could answer the question, his hands began moving over her. Although her leg was bleeding copiously, he could tell from the flow that the bullet hadn't hit an artery. If that had happened then she could have bled to death right here in front of him. His hands shook at the thought.

‘No. It's just my leg that's been hit.' She lifted her skirt and showed him the wound, shuddering at the sight of her torn flesh.

‘Here, let me see.' Jude bent over so she couldn't see how terrified he felt. The thought of losing her was unbearable. ‘Well, I'm no expert. The patients I normally treat don't go around getting themselves shot. However, from what little knowledge I do have, I'd say it's a flesh wound. Once we've stopped the bleeding, it shouldn't be too difficult to treat it.'

He tore a strip of cloth off the bottom of his shirt and balled it up then pressed it against the wound. He grimaced when she winced. ‘Sorry. I know it must hurt like blazes but I need to put pressure on it to stop the bleeding.'

‘It's all right,' she muttered, dashing away the tears that had sprung to her eyes. She gave a wobbly little laugh that tugged at his heartstrings. ‘Take no notice—I'm just being a baby.'

‘Of course you aren't,' Jude countered roughly. Reaching out, he pulled her into his arms, uncaring if it was the wrong thing to do. She was in pain and no matter if she was a nun, she was a human being and needed comforting.

He drew her to him, feeling a rush of emotions hit him. Her body felt so small and slender as she nestled against him, the soft curves of her breasts pushing against his chest, and he was overwhelmed by tenderness. He wanted to hold her like this for ever, to keep her safe in his arms and protect her from harm for the rest of his days. Was this how love made you feel? he wondered giddily. Did it make you put the other person's needs before your own, make you worry about
their
safety and
their
happiness at the expense of your own?

Jude knew it was true and the realisation filled him with both euphoria and despair. He loved Claire and he needed to face up to how he felt, face up to the fact that his love would never be reciprocated either. Claire would never love him in return and the thought was so raw and so painful that it spurred him on to do what he had sworn he would never do. Bending, he took her mouth in a kiss that was compounded of everything he was feeling, from the heights of joy to the depths of despair. It was a kiss that he knew should never have happened. It was a kiss he needed.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

C
LAIRE
FELT
DESIRE
rush through her as Jude's mouth closed over hers. In that moment she realised how much she had been longing for this to happen. In some inexplicable way she had sensed that it would change her, make her feel differently, and it did. She felt like
her
when Jude kissed her, like the woman she had been who had enjoyed life and hadn't been afraid. It was such a wonderful feeling that she kissed him back, wanting him to know how much he meant to her...

The sound of gunfire brought them back to earth with a thud. Claire gasped when Jude pushed her away. His face was set as he stood up and stared across the clearing, and the first little doubt came trickling back. Did he regret what he had done, wish that he hadn't broken his promise? She bit her lip as the question was followed by another: had Jude kissed her not because of who she was but because it had been an instinctive response to holding a woman in his arms?

‘We need to get back to the hospital. The rebels are starting to move and we won't stand a chance if they find us.' His voice was clipped although whether it was the precariousness of their situation that was causing it or what had happened, she wasn't sure.

‘What do you suggest?' she asked, trying to keep the pain out of her voice. It wasn't his fault if he had acted out of instinct and she mustn't blame him.

‘We need some kind of a diversion. If we can distract them then there's a chance we can get to the hospital.' He glanced at her leg which, thankfully, had stopped bleeding now. ‘If I bind up your leg do you think you can walk on it?'

‘I'll try.' She watched him tear another strip off his shirt. He bound it tightly around her thigh then helped her up. Claire gasped when a searing pain shot through her leg as soon as she put her weight on it.

Jude shook his head. ‘You're not going to be able to get far on that leg. I'll have to carry you, so we definitely need to set up some kind of a diversion first.'

He helped her sit down again then went to the edge of the trees. Claire could see someone standing at one of the upper windows and realised it was Matt Kearney. Jude had seen him too and started signalling to him, and after a couple of minutes Matt gave him the thumbs-up sign and disappeared.

‘Let's hope Matt manages to find something really good to distract them,' Jude said grimly as he helped her to her feet once more. He swung her up into his arms, his expression never altering as he settled her against his chest. He appeared so completely detached that Claire realised her suspicions had been correct. Jude may have kissed her but he would have done the same to any woman in the circumstances.

Thankfully, she had no time to dwell on that thought before there was a series of loud explosions from the rear of the hospital. She gasped when she saw dozens of rockets shooting skywards. More fireworks went off, sending out showers of brightly coloured sparks, but Jude didn't stop to watch them. He ran out from the trees, weaving from side to side so they wouldn't present such an easy target, but in the event not a single shot was fired at them. Willing hands reached out and pulled them inside when they reached the hospital.

‘Put her on this trolley.'

Bill rapped out instructions in a wholly unfamiliar fashion and moments later Claire found herself being rushed to Theatre. Javid was already there, all scrubbed up and waiting. While Bill started the anaesthetic, she found herself wondering why Jude wasn't performing the operation. He was the lead surgeon, after all, but maybe he didn't consider her injuries serious enough to require his attention. Just because he had kissed her, it didn't mean that he thought she was special. The thought accompanied her as she slid into unconsciousness, a dark cloud at the back of her mind.

* * *

Jude paced the office, unable to sit still while he waited for news of Claire. The operation seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of time and it made him wonder if Javid had hit a snag. Even though he had agreed with Bill that it would be better if someone else performed the surgery, maybe he should go and check, he decided, flinging open the door...

And maybe he should leave well alone
,
an inner voice cautioned.
Hadn't he caused enough problems without creating any more?

Jude's expression was grim as he closed the door. Walking over to the desk, he sat down while he thought about what had happened. Matt's diversion had proved highly effective. Not only had it allowed him and Claire to reach the safety of the hospital but it had brought the government troops racing to their aid. The rebel fighters had all been captured which meant they were safe for now. Apparently, a rumour had been going round that one of the highest-ranking generals in charge of the military had been admitted to the hospital which was why they had come under attack. Jude wasn't sure how it had started but it had caused a major disruption. And not only to the smooth running of the hospital either.

He put his head in his hands and groaned. To say that he regretted kissing Claire was a massive understatement. Not only had he made a fool of himself but he must have embarrassed her as well. How he was going to explain himself when he saw her, he had no idea. He couldn't tell her the truth; that he had fallen in love with her and wanted to spend the rest of his days with her!

‘Ah, so here you are.' Javid suddenly appeared and Jude jumped up.

‘How did it go?' he rapped out, unable to contain his anxiety. ‘Was there a problem? It seemed to take an awfully long time.'

‘Did it?' Javid glanced at the clock over the desk and shrugged. ‘It didn't seem that long to me...' He broke off when Jude glared at him. ‘Anyway, Claire's fine. It was just a flesh wound—the bullet must have clipped her thigh as it passed. I cleaned everything up, got rid of a few fibres from her dress that were lodged in the wound, and that was it, basically.'

‘So she'll be fit enough to fly back to England tomorrow,' Jude said quietly, struggling to get a grip. He certainly didn't want to compound his errors by making Javid think that he doubted his ability.

‘Oh, yes. Her leg will be painful for a week or so but it shouldn't cause any lasting damage, I'm pleased to say. No, she was incredibly lucky, all things considered.'

‘She was,' Jude agreed. He thanked Javid then took a deep breath before following him from the room. He wasn't looking forward to the next few minutes but he owed Claire an apology and he needed to do it now because he wouldn't get another chance with her leaving in the morning. All he could hope was that he would be able to come up with something to explain his actions, something that wouldn't necessitate him telling her the truth. One thing was certain: Claire wouldn't welcome it if he told her that he loved her.

* * *

The effects of the anaesthetic had worn off fairly quickly. Although her head still felt a little muzzy, otherwise Claire felt fine. Bill had insisted on staying with her but now she chivvied him to take a break. It was the middle of the afternoon and, with one thing and another, lunch had been a non-starter.

She closed her eyes after Bill left. Whether it was the after-effects of the anaesthetic, the events of the day had taken on a surreal quality. She found it difficult to believe that she had been shot yet she had the dressing on her thigh to prove it. Her thoughts drifted on, inevitably coming back to that kiss. Had it been
her
Jude had wanted to kiss with such passion or would any woman have done?

The door opened as someone came into the room but it was a moment before Claire opened her eyes. She fixed a smile to her mouth as she turned to greet her visitor, not wanting anyone to suspect how much the idea hurt. It came as a huge shock to find Jude himself standing at the end of her bed.

‘So how do you feel? Javid said everything went swimmingly,' he said coolly.

‘I'm fine.' She gave a little shrug, determined to match his tone. She certainly wouldn't embarrass herself by letting him know how painful she found it to be treated so coldly. ‘My head's a bit woozy from the anaesthetic but that's all.'

‘Good.' Picking up the chart from the end of the bed, he skimmed through it. He hung it back in place and Claire felt a ripple run through her when she saw that his hands were shaking. Maybe he wasn't as indifferent as he was pretending, she thought. The idea made her head spin so that she missed what he said. It was only when she realised that he was waiting for her to speak that she pulled herself together.

‘I'm sorry—what did you say?'

‘I said that I owe you an apology, and I do. I should never have kissed you, Claire. Put it down to the heat of the moment, although that's no excuse. However, I want you to know that I bitterly regret my actions.'

Claire didn't have time to say anything before he swung round and left the room. But then what could she have said? she thought despairingly. That he hadn't embarrassed her, that on the contrary she had welcomed his kiss and wanted him to kiss her again? An admission like that was bound to have led to questions and she still wasn't ready to answer them and explain about her past.

Tears began to pour down her face. It was better to leave things the way they were, to leave Jude still believing that she was someone she wasn't: a pure and innocent woman.

* * *

Jude had never felt more wretched in his entire life. He lay awake all night thinking about what had happened. Far from making him feel better, apologising to Claire had made him feel worse. He knew that he had been far too economical with the truth but what else could he have said? Surely it was better if she believed he was some kind of...
serial kisser
than embarrass her even more by admitting that he loved her!

Lesley was in the dining room when he went down for breakfast. She took one look at him and rolled her eyes. ‘No need to ask how you slept,' she said wryly. ‘You look dreadful!'

‘I'm fine,' Jude stated huffily. He went to the buffet but the sight of food made his stomach churn. The plane was due to leave in an hour's time and every second that ticked past brought the moment when Claire would go out of his life for good that bit closer. That he would never see her again was guaranteed. She wouldn't contact him and he certainly couldn't contact her now. No, this was it, the not-so-grand finale, the end of any foolish dreams he had harboured...

‘For heaven's sake, man, do something!' Lesley stood up and came over to him. ‘You can't just let her go. It's obvious that you're crazy about her, so go and tell her that instead of mooning about here like some lost soul!'

‘What's the point?' He couldn't even drum up any anger, although if anyone had spoken to him in that fashion in the past he would have had their guts for the proverbial garters. ‘Claire isn't interested in how I feel. Her future is all mapped out and there isn't any place in it for me.'

‘The
point
is that things aren't always what they appear to be,' Lesley shot back, glaring at him. ‘I can't say anything more—it's up to Claire. But believe me when I say that you're making a huge mistake by letting her leave like this.'

Lesley stalked out of the room. Jude went to follow her and demand to know what she'd meant then suddenly thought better of it. It was obvious that Lesley had said everything she intended to say and now it was up to him what happened. The question he needed to ask himself was whether he was willing to risk making a fool of himself again.

His feet were already moving before the answer presented itself, carrying him out of the dining room and across the hall. By the time he reached the front steps he was running, racing around the building to where he had parked the motorbike. He swung his leg over the saddle, sending up a prayer that the engine would start. He didn't have time to coax it to life, not when the plane that was due to take Claire away was waiting on the runway.

The engine fired first time, rattling and coughing in protest, but working all the same. Jude set off in a shower of dust. It took forty minutes to reach the airfield which meant he had ten minutes to spare, ten minutes to change Claire's mind about the future she had planned. Was he right to attempt such a thing? He didn't know. But if he let her leave without telling her that he loved her, he would always regret it!

* * *

Claire had been ferried to the airfield in one of the trucks. Although her leg was extremely painful, she could manage to walk with the aid of crutches. Bill had insisted on waiting with her and they sat on a couple of empty packing cases while the crew ran through the pre-flight checks.

They didn't speak. Claire had nothing to say and Bill obviously recognised her desire for silence. It was as though every scrap of emotion she was capable of feeling had seeped away. In a few minutes' time she would get on that plane and she would never see Jude again.

The sound of an engine cut through the silence. Bill stood up and turned towards the road. ‘What the devil's going on!' he exclaimed.

Claire glanced round, although she really didn't care what was happening. Her heart suddenly seized up when she recognised the man astride the motorbike. What was Jude doing here? Surely he had said everything yesterday? It had been the heat of the moment that had caused him to kiss her and he regretted it. What else was there to say?

She struggled to her feet, trembling all over as she watched him bring the bike to an unsteady halt. He propped it against the fence then came striding over to them. His face was set but there was something about the expression in his eyes that made her heart suddenly start beating again. If he regretted what had happened then why was he looking at her that way?

‘I'll just go and check how the guys are doing.'

Bill hurriedly excused himself but Claire was barely aware of him leaving. Every fibre of her being was focused on the man in front of her. His face was pale beneath his tan, his eyes surrounded by heavy shadows. Jude hadn't slept from the look of him but why was that? Why had he lain awake all night when he had dismissed that kiss?