Authors: Kristin Vayden
Pursued (3 page)
The kids and Samantha stayed till Javan’s afternoon nap, and I thanked them profusely for sharing my birthday with me. As I got ready to leave for the restaurant, I felt peace consume my heart. Tomorrow might be difficult, I knew it would be, but today I was okay. I’d dwell on that. One day at a time.
****
The morning light was streaming through my window as I rolled over in bed the next day. A smile lifted my lips as I remembered the day before and the blessings of family and friends.
“Dreaming of me?” Jack’s voice penetrated my revelry. I froze. Was I awake? A cold chill ran down my spine, and I turned over looking up in my husband’s face.
“Hi.” My mind spun with questions as I stared at his weary features. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. The hope that it was due to remorse over his actions was like adrenaline in my blood, and my heart pounded.
“You’re beautiful when you sleep.” My eyes widened at his words, and I wracked my brain for the last time he had called me beautiful. It had to have been more than two years.
“Thank you.” My voice was husky from sleep, and I watched his eyes darken. He moved slowly and covered my lips with own in an immediately demanding kiss. I didn’t move. Half of me wanted to kiss him back and show him exactly how much I missed him; the other half wondered if that was wise since I hadn’t heard from him in more than a month. What should I do? He pushed me aside and crawled in bed with me, demanding more than a kiss and, against my better judgment I allowed whatever he wanted to take. After all, he was my husband, but a small voice in the back of my heart whispered that I was being fooled, again.
The day passed with dreamlike quality as Jack stayed for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He even tucked in the kids at bedtime, and I felt my eyes tear up as I watched Javan hug his daddy’s neck with all the strength of his two-year-old arms.
Jack walked into the kitchen and grabbed his coat. My heart clenched. Was he leaving? Already?
“Abby? I’m going to go. Thanks for today, for everything.” His eyes traveled up my body and met my eyes before he nodded and walked to the door. “Oh, and happy birthday.”
The door closing shook me from my stupor of disbelief. All at once I felt dirty, used, and cheap. How could I? How could he? I stumbled to the chair and sat down, blind to anything but the mental pictures parading through my mind of the past day. Did I do something wrong? I hated that it was one of my first thoughts! No. I wanted to shake myself. It wasn’t me, I didn’t do anything. I’m not the one who ran away, who came home for a day to play house and then leave without as much as an “I love you,” or “I miss you”, even a “Thanks for the great dinner, honey!” The chair had numbed my bum before I decided to get up and get ready for bed. As I went into the bedroom, I glared at the bed and through furious tears took the sheets off and threw them in the washer. I grabbed my pillow and went into the living room to sleep. The last thought I had was that he had said happy birthday, a day late.
A few weeks later I was on my way to Samantha’s house. Something had to give. I felt as though my own prayers were bouncing off the celling and thumping me on the head. Though I knew it wasn’t true. My emotions seemed to block out my knowledge of truth.
The drive was quiet, as Javan had retreated into a shell after Jack had disappeared a few weeks ago. When I arrived, Samantha was waiting for me. After a quick hug, she sent Javan up to play with Michael. Emily came into the room with a wide smile and reached for Chase. As Emily disappeared, Samantha pulled me into the kitchen and pointed to a barstool.
“Sit.”
I obeyed.
“Okay, missy, I’ve got something to say to you. So you just sit there and listen.”
I nodded dumbly and rubbed my fingers over her countertop.
“What happened, Abby? What happened to your light? To your sparkle for life? Don’t answer!” She pointed to me as I opened my mouth. “Just listen.” I nodded, and she eyed me before continuing. “Jack has done a number on you, it’s true, but here’s the truth of it, honey. He can’t do anything to you without your permission.”
The confusion her words caused must have reflected on my face.
“I’ll repeat that. He, cannot, I repeat,
can not
do anything to you without your permission, including…” She raised a finger and held me in a solid gaze. “…steal your joy, your reason for living, or your faith. Only you have the power to give them up. Now.” She began to pace around the kitchen. “He can tempt you into thinking that he has power, but he doesn’t. Unless you give his words and actions power, they are the empty opinions of a lost man. You, love, have given him the power of God in your life. You have let him control your thoughts, your opinions, and the way your perceive life in general. Now.” She pointed her finger again at me
.” Do not misunderstand me. He is still your husband. You are to honor and respect him, regardless of if he deserves it or not. But you are not to adhere to his beliefs when they directly contrast to the Word of God. And to God, to God, dear one…” She came around and placed her hand under my chin and lifted it so I’d look her in the eyes.
“To God you are priceless, worthy of love and beautiful. He loves you, created you, and is
not
pleased with your husband’s sin. You are not responsible for Jack’s actions, but sure as springtime, you are responsible for yours. And He will, is, and already has given you the strength you need to get through this, one way or another. You
will
get through this, but
how
is up to you. Are you going to do this with His help? Or are you going to drift through it, loosing yourself in your grief, and emotionally abandoning your children in the process?”
“Emotionally abandoning my children! Do you have any idea what this is like? How I have been there for them? I’m all they have right now, and I’m not enough! I’m not enough for them, and I can’t do anything about it! I fail each day, and I’m supposed to just pick myself up, march on, and forget about all the pain and hurt and memories I have and, what?” I shouted through my angry tears. How dare she!
“Oh honey, you’re right. But you’re also wrong.”
“What?” I asked, confused once again.
“Yes, you’re right. You are not enough. Children need two parents, but the fact is that, right now, your children don’t have both. That’s not your fault. It’s not something you can control.”
I know, but—“
“But God is. He is enough, and doesn’t He promise to be ‘a father to the fatherless?’”
“Yes.”
“Is it impossible for God to ever prove false or to lie?”
“Yes.” I spoke softly.
“Then you have everything you need. You do your best, and God will make up the rest. He didn’t say you had to do it alone, love, and you are. You’re trying, and yes, you’re failing because it’s not possible. But with God… with God all things are possible.”
She hugged me and began to pray over me, for my strength to not fail and for my children to, at a young age, learn to depend on God. By the time our visit was done, I knew I had turned a corner. Oh, I still felt the oppression of fear surrounding me, but it didn’t seep into my heart. The truth that I had not been able to believe now saturated my heart, and peace overwhelmed me. How I would need that peace over the next few days.
The lunch dishes were just being cleared and put into the dishwasher when I heard a pickup pull into the driveway. My knuckles were white as I gripped the towel. Anger flushed my face. Jack, with a brand new pickup. When he had visited just after my birthday, I hadn’t looked outside, but he must have had it then as well. What happened to his plan of turning in the SUV for a lesser payment? The truck outside would be far more expensive. He jumped out and walked to the door, pulling out his keys and opening it up without as much as a knock.
“Oh, hi, Abby. I um, I need to speak with you.”
I watched him with a cautious eye as I placed the towel down and walked over to the table, careful to place it between us. He shifted his weight on his feet and glanced up at me with a sheepish look. The baby monitor was quiet, and I was thankful that both Javan and Chase were down for a nap.
“Yes? What did you need?” I refused to sit even when he did and motioned for me to do the same.
“Fine, have it your way. I need to tell you something, and I, well, I wanted you to hear it from me first. “
My heart began to beat wildly. Whatever he was going to say, I wasn’t going to like it, that much was certain.
“I met someone.”
“What?” I asked, sure I had heard him wrong.
“I met someone, and well, I just wanted you to know, that, well, you could do the same, if you wanted.”
I stared at him, unable to process everything I was hearing. He had met someone? Another
woman?
The world began to spin, and I felt myself drop into the chair which was, thankfully, behind me.
“How could you?” I spoke with an accusing whisper.
“Well, we met at work and, you um, you know her. One thing led to another, and I think it’s for the best.”
“Wait, what do you mean one thing led to another? You’re just dating, right?” As if that made it better, and why had I even asked the question? I didn’t want to know the answer. I didn’t want to know any of this. The urge to run away with my hands over my ears and lock myself in my room nearly overcame my strength to see this through. My heart was breaking, but at the same time, I felt a peace that shouldn’t be there but was filling my heart. The sense of peace caused me to close my eyes as he answered the dreadful question.
“Well, not just dating, exactly. I’m living with her right now.”
“So you’re sleeping with her.” My voice was expressionless as I kept my eyes closed, focusing on my breathing.
In, out. In, out.
“Well, I didn’t want to go into that kinda detail with you, but, yes. Of course I am. I’m living there, aren’t I?” He rolled his eyed at me as I had just barely opened mine.
“Wow.” I whispered, disbelieving. How could someone take their vows so lightly? We were still married, neither of us had made a move towards divorce, and he saw nothing wrong with infidelity. My lips asked another question before I could think to stop it; I didn’t want to know the answer.
“How long?”
His eyes widened at my bold question, and he looked away before answering. “Well, it’s hard to say—“
“How long?” I yelled, angry and frustrated at his inability to answer. If I could be brave enough, or crazy enough, to ask the question, the least he could do was answer it.
“About six months.”
Quickly my head did the calculations. Before my birthday, before he even left. It was just before Chase was…
“You were sleeping with her before I even had Chase.” My voice was weak with shock. I knew things weren’t good, but I had no idea.
“Well…”
“No, I don’t want to hear any more. Leave, now.” I closed my eyes and laid my head in my hands as I heard his chair scuff the floor as he stood. “Wait.” I held up my hand. “Are you sorry, at all?” My gaze bore deep into his, willing him to feel any remorse.
“I’m sorry…” He shook his head.
“You are?” My heart clenched for a moment.
“No, I’m sorry because I’m not.” He shook his head and left.
****
Betrayal stung hard and deep. Each time I would think of it my heart would seize in my chest, and I’d feel like I’d been sucker punched. I had waited to tell my parents, wanting time to make up my own mind as to what I would do next. As I walked over to Chase’s crib, I saw him look up at me and smile a wide toothless grin.
“I’m here, sweetheart.” I crooned as I picked him up and patted his back. Love for my baby surged through me. Both Chase and Javan were helpless in this, but so help me I was going to give them any protection I could. Resolutely, I took Chase down the hall with Javan following close behind. A moment later, I picked up the phone.
“Mom?” I closed my eyes, offering up another prayer to add to the millions prayed over the past twelve hours. Peace covered my heart.
“Hi, baby! How are you?”
“Mom, I need a lawyer.”
“Oh. Okay, what happened sweetheart?” Her voice was strained as she undoubtedly speculated on my sudden desire to hire a lawyer after holding fast to the hope that I wouldn’t need one.
“Jack came over and enlightened me on a few things…” My voice trailed off. I didn’t want to deliver such information over the phone. “We’ll come over shortly, is that okay?” I asked, trying to divert her attention.
“Okay, but just tell me this. Are we talking divorce or separation, honey?”
I took a deep breath and paused, checking my heart once more before I answered.
“Divorce.”
The divorce papers sat on my bed, awaiting my signature. As I re-read them, I offered up a prayer that Jack wouldn’t contest anything. A twinkling caught my attention, and I glanced over to my hand and saw my wedding ring. I hadn’t had the heart to take it off, regardless of the divorce process I had begun. With a sad sigh, I lifted the pen and signed my name, sending up a prayer that the process would be quick. With the paper
s folded and placed into the envelope, I glanced at my left hand once again. With a heavy heart, I twisted the ring circling my fourth finger. After a moment the ring slid off my finger. As I held it, the engagement portion with the circular diamond separated from the wedding band.
This is it.
The rings clinked together as I set them on the bed. What did I do with the set now? I didn’t want to save them, but to sell them? Goodness knows I’d soon need the money. A moment later I picked up the pieces and placed them in my jewelry box and closed the lid, the sound a muted thud.