Out of Nowhere (14 page)

Even though my eyes were stinging from the salt and I couldn’t feel my body, the water did feel refreshing after frying in the sun for three hours. But I wasn’t about to admit that to Cole.

“Yes,” I replied, splashing him. He splashed me back and then ducked under the water to avoid retribution. I spun around in a circle, trying to find him so I could smack him or something, but he’d disappeared beneath the murkiness. When he didn’t pop right back up, I started to panic. “Cole?”

Before I’d even finished uttering his name, he suddenly surfaced right behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me down with him, and I forgot all about being cold.

* * *

Cole and I were both quiet on the drive home from the beach. So many feelings were roaring through me—exhaustion, elation, apprehension, confusion, anticipation—I could barely even think straight. Cole must have been experiencing similar emotions because he was even more fidgety than usual. His fingers kept up a steady beat on the steering wheel, and his leg jiggled so much that I felt like force-feeding him tranquilizers.

Ian and Charlotte, who lived together in an apartment near the college campus, got dropped off first. With them gone, the car seemed even quieter. Cole’s restiveness was making me nervous, and if one of us didn’t speak in the next thirty seconds I was quite sure I was going to explode.

Finally, we reached my house. “Well,” Cole said as he pulled into the driveway. “That was fun.”

I nodded in agreement. God, what was wrong with us? We could barely even look at each other now. Why did this have to be so awkward?

“So,” I said, fiddling with the strings on my bag. “Do you want to come in?”

This was it. The most pivotal moment in our relationship thus far. I couldn’t string him along like this anymore. By the end of today, we’d either be together as a couple or no longer together at all. If he accepted my invitation to come in, our “just friends” status would be abolished for good. If he declined the invitation…well, then I totally sucked at reading cues.

“Sure,” he said, and shut off the car.

No going back now. All that was left to do was step into my empty house and hope we weren’t about to make a huge mistake.

The house was cool and dark, a welcome respite from the heat outside. Lucy heard us come in and wandered over to investigate. I bent over and scooped her up on my way to the kitchen. “I’m dying of thirst,” I said over my shoulder to Cole, who was still standing by the door. “Do you want some water?”

“Okay.”

He followed me into the kitchen, where I set Lucy down and filled two glasses at the water cooler. When I handed one of the glasses to Cole, I realized my hand was shaking a little. Hopefully he didn’t notice.

“We could…find something on TV,” I said once we’d finished our water. “Or play a game on the Wii. Or whatever.”

“TV,” he decided. “I’m too worn out for the Wii.”

“Yeah, me too.”

We sat down on the couch and I flicked on the TV. I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything so I passed the remote to Cole. He flipped through the channels until he came upon one of those action movies that involved lots of explosions and gunfire.

“That’s what I want to do,” he said during a scene in which the main character took a running jump off a tall building and landed (safely, of course) in an underground pool.

“Leap off a building?” I said, yawning.

“No, become a stunt double.”

“Really?” This was news. It sounded like a dangerous job to me, but something he’d be good at, for sure. “When did you decide this?”

“Just recently. I’ve been researching it a bit.”

“How does one become a stunt double?”

“Well, you have to be athletic, of course, and in good shape. Then you move to Hollywood and try to get your foot in the door.” He reclined back against the pillows. “I can’t wait to get to California. My brother says the surfing is amazing there.”

“California,” I muttered. So far away, it may as well have been on Mars. I yawned again, loudly. I was too exhausted to dwell on our relationship’s inevitable end.

“You want to lie down?” Cole asked. For a second I didn’t know quite what he had in mind, but he cleared it up for me when he sunk down even lower on the couch, slid over to the edge of the cushions, and added, “There’s lots of room right here.”

Okay, so I didn’t suck at reading cues after all. After only a moment’s hesitation, I lay down, fitting my body into the narrow slot next to his. I expected it to feel weird, lying against him like this with my head on his shoulder and his arm across my back, but it didn’t. It felt good.
He
felt good. He was warm and smelled like the beach—sun and sand and salt water. I might have fallen asleep that way if it hadn’t been for the ceaseless hammering in my chest. I could hear his heart too, feel its reverberation against my cheek, and it was pounding just as hard.

From this angle I was able to see the barely discernible scar on his neck, the one from his car accident. It was about an inch long and very close to his jugular vein. If that shard of glass had hit half an inch to the left instead…I shivered.

“Cold?” He ran his fingers along the goosebumps on my arm, which of course made them even worse.

“No,” I said, and I shifted closer until my lips were just barely touching his neck. Cole was as still as I’d ever seen him, almost like he was waiting to see what I’d do next. How far I’d go. Or maybe he was holding back, not sure what I expected from him. Well, that was an easy matter to resolve.

Here goes nothing
, I thought, and I maneuvered myself until I was half on top of him. Then I reached down to the bottom of his T-shirt and pulled it up, slipping my hand underneath. Apparently those were all the clues he needed because the next thing I knew I was crushed between his body and the back of the couch and we were kissing.

I didn’t think about the possibility of us wrecking our friendship, or that he’d be gone in a few short months, or the fact that I was breaking the biggest and most important house rule. I didn’t think about anything. That was how intense it was, making out with Cole. Too intense, as it turned out. I’d let him take off my shirt and unhook my bikini top, but when his fingers sought out the button on my shorts, I knew it was time to decelerate.

“Uh…” I said, edging away.

To my surprise, he immediately removed his hand. I guess I was used to how it was with Adam, who always seemed to confuse ‘stop’ with ‘try again’.

“Sorry,” he managed to say. We were both out of breath. “I got a little carried away. I’ve been waiting to kiss you since April.”

“April? You mean, when we met at the hospital?”

He brushed some hair off my shoulder. “Why do you think I sat across from you that day? I could’ve chosen the seat next to the old lady with the giant moles, but she wasn’t as cute as you.”

Cute? I’d never been called cute. Eva, with her tiny features and upturned nose, was who I always pictured when I heard that word. And I looked nothing like Eva.

“I would have kissed you long ago,” he said, “but I was never completely sure you wanted me to.” He grinned. “Until today, with the whole sunscreen seduction thing.”

Embarrassed, I gave him a shove, remembering too late that I was half naked. My top had somehow disappeared, so I reached behind me for the blanket that we kept on the back of the couch and wrapped it around my shoulders.

“My mother is going to kill me,” I said, sitting up.

“Why?”

“I told her we were friends.”

He sat up next to me, bare-chested and still a little dazed. “We are friends,” he said.

“I mean friends who…don’t do what we just did.” As I searched around for my clothes, I tried to think of a good way to explain my mother to him. “She doesn’t like me to have guys over when she’s not here. She’s convinced I’m going to get pregnant at seventeen like she did.”

Cole dug his hand into the couch cushion and came up with my bikini top. He handed it to me and said, “Don’t look at me. We didn’t even get past second base.”

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t know my mom. When I was dating Adam, she’d practically shove condoms in my pockets before I left the house. And we weren’t even having sex. We never did. I was always too scared something would happen and I’d have to quit school or put off college like my mom did. In fact...” Here, I looked him square in the eye to make sure he got what I said next. “I still feel that way.”

I was afraid he might laugh, or act incredulous like Adam, but he just nodded. “I can understand that. You must have willpower of steel, though. It’s admirable.”

Sufficiently covered now by my bikini top, I tossed the blanket aside. “It is? You really understand?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”

“It’s just that Adam had a real problem with my steel-like willpower. It was part of the reason why he broke up with me.” I found my shirt under the coffee table and pulled it on. “Thinking back on it, I’m not sure why he was so persistent about it. We did, uh…other things. It’s not like I’m hardcore abstinent or anything. But with him, it was all or nothing.”

“His loss,” Cole said. I smiled and he leaned in to kiss me again, softly this time.

“You should probably go,” I said when my lips were free. “My mom will be home soon.”

He glanced down at his lap. “Uh, I think I need a few minutes.”

For some reason this struck me as funny. I started giggling and couldn’t stop, even when I pressed my hand over my mouth.

“Yeah, keep laughing,” Cole said, his face turning red. “That always works like a charm.”

I took a deep breath, trying to get control of myself. “I’m not laughing at your…at
you
,” I said, a few leftover giggles escaping. “It’s just a little weird, that’s all. You and me, making out on the couch.”

“What, you’ve never imagined it?” He snatched his shirt off the floor and put it on. “I have. Especially today, after seeing you in that bikini.”

“I have too, but…I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to get too involved.”

“Why not?”

The weight of reality pressed down on me, smothering any traces of laughter. “Well, you’re leaving.”

“So?” He smoothed a strand of my dry, salt-encrusted hair. “I’m not going to pass up something good just because there’s a chance it’ll end in a few months. You shouldn’t either.”

In my mind, our likely demise was an excellent reason to run in the opposite direction, but I didn’t want to disagree with him and ruin the moment. For now, I chose to live in it instead.

Chapter Eleven

Dr. Maser’s office was on the main floor of an old house, located right smack in the middle of downtown. I had to take two buses to get there. Mom had wanted to take the morning off work to drive me, but I insisted on going alone. Having her there would just make me even more nervous.

The waiting room was small and bright, decorated with plants and sofas and plush chairs. Right now it was empty, so I had my choice of seats. I chose one of the chairs and picked up a magazine, pretending to read up on all the upcoming fall fashion trends. My palms were sweaty and I felt lightheaded—characteristic warning signs of an imminent panic attack. Just like at the hospital with my allergic reaction, at least I was in the right place for it.

The receptionist called my name, making me jump, and I was led down a short hallway to an open door. As I stepped in, a short, dark-haired woman who I assumed to be Dr. Maser stood up and came over to shake my hand. I didn’t have time to wipe if off on my pants first, so she got a handful of clammy sweat. She didn’t seem to notice.

“Have a seat,” she said, moving back to her chair. She wore sandals and a flowery, gauzy dress that billowed out around her as she walked.

I perched on one of the comfy chairs across from her and glanced around. The room was nothing like I’d expected. On TV, people always seemed to be lying down on leather couches, spilling their secrets as the psychiatrist sat nearby in a big chair, taking notes with a serious expression. But Dr. Maser’s office didn’t have a couch, she hardly touched her pen, and the smile on her pretty, open face never wavered. For someone who listened to peoples’ problems all day long, she sure was cheerful.

We started off with some small talk. She asked me about family and friends and school and hobbies. She was very warm and interested, and after a while I began to relax. It was like talking to a friend of my mother’s or something, only with Dr. Maser I felt like I had to weigh each answer carefully. Obviously she was using this first session to size me up, like a boss interviewing a prospective employee. We didn’t discuss my anxiety or my father at all.

“It was nice to meet you, Riley,” she said when our hour was up. “I’d like to see you again next week, if that’s okay with you.”

See me again? Had she detected some crazy in all that inconsequential chit chat? “Sure,” I said, shaking her hand again. Why not? Maybe we could talk politics next time. Discuss the economic crisis for an hour. “See you then.”

I made another appointment with the perky receptionist and then rushed to the bus stop, hoping no one I knew was in the vicinity to see me leaving a shrink’s office. Only my mother and Dr. Kapur knew about Dr. Maser and I planned to keep it that way.

When Mom got home from work that evening, I was standing at the stove, frying bacon for BLTs. It was too hot for anything other than sandwiches.

“Hi, babe,” she said, plunking Tristan into his highchair and reaching into the dishwasher for a clean sippy cup. “How was your appointment today?”

I flipped a strip of bacon. “Weird.”

“Weird how?” She filled the sippy cup with milk and gave it to Tristan, who promptly began to drain it. “Was she mean?”

“No, she was nice. It was just…weird. We didn’t talk about anything.”

Mom frowned, as if concerned that my doctor had sent me to a quack. “Well, I’m sure she knows what she’s doing.”

“Hope so.” I arranged the bacon on a paper towel-lined plate, wiping the sweat off my forehead with my other hand.