Our Gang (13 page)

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

I come before you tonight with a message of

national importance. While it is true that I do not

intend to offer you false hope by minimizing the

nature of the crisis confronting our nation at this

hour, I do not believe there is cause for any such

alarm as you may have seen or heard in the news

media from those critical of the decisions I have

reached in the last twenty-four hours.

Now I know there are always those who would

prefer that we take a weak, cowardly and dishonorable

position in the face of a crisis. They of course

are entitled to their opinion. I am certain, however,

that the great majority of the Ameri

86

TRICKY ADDRESSES THE NATION
87

can people will agree that the actions I have taken in

the confrontation between the United States of

America and the sovereign state of Denmark are

indispensable to our dignity, our honor, our moral

and spiritual idealism, our credibility around the

world, the soundness of the economy, our

greatness, our dedication to the vision of our

forefathers, the human spirit, the divinely inspired

dignity of man, our treaty commitments, the

principles of the United Nations, and progress and

peace for all people.

Now no one is more aware than I am of the

political consequences of taking bold and forthright

action in behalf of our dignity, idealism and honor,

to choose just three. But I would rather be a oneterm

President and take these noble, heroic

measures against the state of Denmark, than to be a

two-term President by accepting humiliation at the

hands of a tenth-rate military power. I want to make

that perfectly clear.

Let me tell you now the measures I have ordered

taken to deal with Denmark, and the reasons for

my decision. (Picks up his pointer and turns to map

of Scandinavia)

First: despite the treacherous manner in which

the Pro-Pornography government in Copenhagen

has moved against the United States, I have

responded swiftly and effectively to gain the military

initiative. At this very moment, the American Sixth

Fleet, dispatched by my order to the Baltic and the

North Seas, is in complete command of the

waterways to and from Denmark, as indicated on

this map. (Points to the Baltic Sea and the North

Sea) Aircraft carriers, troop ships and destroyers

have been placed in a strategic ring around the

Danish peninsula of Jutland (points) and the

numerous adjacent Danish islands, all of which you

see here colored in red. Taken together these

territories make Denmark approximately as large

(turns to map of
United
States) as the wonderful

states of New Hampshire and Vermont, famous for

their beautiful autumn foliage and delicious maple

syrup, and colored here in white.

Now let me tell you the results of this action,

ordered by me as Commander-in-Chief of the

Armed Forces meeting his responsibilities.

To all intents and purposes, Denmark is at this

time isolated by a blockade as impenetrable as the

blockade with which President John F. Charisma in

1962 prevented Soviet nuclear missiles from

entering Cuba and the Western hemisphere, which

is here (points to map of Western Hemisphere).

And that as we all know was the finest and most

courageous hour of his Presidency. This blockade,

then, is exactly like that one.

Now while it is true that I have effectively

isolated Denmark from the rest of the world, I

have refused to take an isolationist position for

TRICKY ADDRESSES THE NATION
89

America of the kind my critics would counsel me

to take in this crisis. Because let there be no

mistake about it: America cannot live in isolation if

it expects to live in peace.

Now I hear you ask: "Mr. President, you have

moved swiftly and effectively to protect our dignity,

idealism and honor; but what about our national

security-isn't that endangered, too?"

Well, that is a good question and one that

deserves a thoughtful answer. For we are all familiar

with the belligerent and expansionist policies of the

state of Denmark, in particular the territorial designs

that country has had upon the continental United

States ever since the eleventh century. As you

remember, at that time landings were made upon

the North American continent by forces under the

command of Eric the Red, and later under the

command of his son, Leif Ericson. These landings

by the Red family and their Viking hordes were of

course made without warning and in direct violation

of the Monroe Doctrine. Aside from these invasions

of a paramilitary nature, there were also various unsuccessful

attempts made by these Vikings ' to

establish privileged sanctuaries on our eastern

seaboard, right here (points) in the vicinity of

Boston, the birthplace of Paul Revere and his

world-renowned midnight ride, and the site of the

famous Boston Tea Party.

So when you ask me if our national security is

threatened by these Danes, with their longstanding

history of open contempt for our territorial

integrity, I think I have to answer in all candor, yes

it is. And that is why I have made clear to the Pro-

Pornography government in Copenhagen tonight

that I do not intend to react to any renewed threat

to our territorial integrity, to our honor, or to our

idealism, with plaintive diplomatic protests. And in

order that there should be no misunderstanding of

my position, I have ordered the American Seventh

Army, stationed in West Germany, to be mobilized

in striking position here (points) at the fifty-fifth

parallel on the border between Germany and

Denmark. And I assure you, my fellow Americans,

as I have assured the Pro-Pornography government

in Copenhagen, and as I would have assured the

Red family regime in the eleventh century had I

been your President at that time, that I will not for a

moment hesitate to send our brave American

fighting men over the border and into Denmark

tonight, if that is what is necessary to prevent our

children from having to fight the descendants of

Eric the Red in the streets of (pointing with his

pointer) Portland, Boston, New York, Philadelphia,

Baltimore, Washington, Norfolk, Wilmington,

Charleston, Savannah, Jacksonville, Miami, Key

Biscayne and, of course, points west.

Now, though Denmark is effectively isolated

TRICKY ADDRESSES THE NATION
91

from the world by the Sixth Fleet, and effectively

threatened with occupation by the Seventh Army,

the fact is that the Danish people have yet to see a

single armed American soldier on their soil.

Contrary to whatever wild rumors have been

irresponsibly disseminated by the alarmists and

sensationalists in the news media, the fact of the

matter is that (checks his watch) as of this hour, we

have no troops inside Denmark, serving either in a

combat capacity, or as advisers in uniform to the

Danish Anti-Pornography Resistance, considered

by many the legitimate Danish government-in-exile.

Whatever reports you may have heard of an

armed American invasion of Danish territory are

categorically false, and constitute a deliberate

distortion of the facts.

The truth is this: the amphibious landing by a

detachment of one thousand brave American

Marines that did occur only a few hours ago, at

midnight Danish time, was not an invasion of

Danish territory, but the liberation from Danish

domination of a landmark that
has
been sacred for

centuries to English-speaking peoples around the

world, and particularly so to Americans.

I am speaking of the liberation of the town of

Elsinore, the home of the fortress popularly known

to tourists as "Hamlet's Castle." After centuries of

occupation and touristic exploitation by the Danes,

the town and the castle, which

92

owe their fame entirely to William Shakespeare, the

greatest writer of English in all recorded history, are

occupied tonight by American soldiers, speaking the

tongue of the immortal bard.

Let's look again at the map. Here on the coast is

Elsinore, approximately thirty-five miles north of

the capital city of Copenhagen. Because of its

proximity to the capital, it was believed for centuries

to be heavily guarded and impregnable to attack. It

is surely a great tribute to both our intelligence units

and our brave fighting Marines, that American

forces were able to wade ashore at midnight and

under cover of darkness drive the foreign invaders

from the castle without firing a single shot.

I am proud to report that the guard on duty at

Elsinore was so taken by surprise that when roused

from his bed by a knocking at the gate, he came to

the door in his pajamas and opened it so wide that

our brave Marines were able to overrun and secure

the grounds in a matter of minutes. The guard, who

was the only foreign invader on the premises at that

time, has been taken into custody, along with his

tourist guidebooks, and a thorough interrogation is

currently under way in the famous dungeons of the

castle, in accordance with the rules laid down at the

Geneva Convention, to which this country is a

proud signatory.

Following the liberation of Elsinore, I have

TRICKY ADDRESSES THE NATION
93

sent a communique to the Pro-Pornography

government in Copenhagen, making it absolutely

clear that our action was in no way directed to the

security interests of any nation, Denmark included.

Any government that chooses to use these actions

as a pretext for harming relations with the United

States will be doing so on its own responsibility, and

we will draw the appropriate conclusions.

Incidentally, in that connection, if the Danish

Army should attempt to harass or dislodge our

Marines in any way whatsoever from "Hamlet's

Castle," it would be interpreted by Americans of all

walks of life, professors and poets as well as

housewives and hardhats, as a direct affront to our

national heritage. I would have no choice but to

respond in kind by retaliating against the statue of

Hans Christian Andersen in Copenhagen with the

largest air strike ever called upon a European city.

I realize that as a result of my decision to free