(My Travels with) Agnes Moorehead – The Lavender Lady (16 page)

Photos of Agnes Moorehead performing LIVE at Cherry Orchard
Playhouse in Traverse City Michigan

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

THE DAY OF THE PIG

The summer came to a close and with the experience of summer stock under my belt, I felt that I had really had quite an education up to this point and I really was grateful to Agnes. Our friendship and mutual respect and love for one another was cemented and we were really in tune. It was almost time for the annual Christmas party (you remember), which I had rather forgotten with all the excitement of the previous months. As I mentioned before, the Christmas party always was held on the first Saturday in December, so it would be the very first gala event of the season (as Agnes had informed me the first year) so the important stars and people would not be worn out from partying and Agnes could get the most from hers as she always considered it a business expense and not just a social event.

This particular year, her birthday fell on Saturday, December 6th, the first Saturday in December and also the date of her Christmas party.

I had never given Agnes a gift of any kind all these years I had worked for her. She was not one for receiving or giving gifts so it never occurred to me that I should or shouldn’t, however, I do not give gifts to get one, nor do I ever expect one from anyone let alone from Agnes Moorehead. I guess I was so happy and filled with so much love and respect for this grand lady who had been so instrumental in giving me the insight into me, that I was overwhelmed with a desire to do something very special to show her my appreciation.

There was really nothing you could give Agnes for a special gift, as she had pretty much all the things she needed, and if she had needed anything I would have known it.

I think I told you before, she had an insane sense of humor, which I dearly loved, and we used to act very crazy and silly in the car especially on those long trips across the U.S. when we would be driving back to New York or the farm in Ohio.

Well, she loved the charming children’s story by B.H. White “Charlotte’s Web” which was about this Spider, Katherin Kavitika and a Pig named Albert. She had a pet pig when she lived on her farm in Ohio as a little girl, and she so often told me of how endeared she was to this pig, and how bright it was and was always following her around the farm yard. I was in the process of negotiating with the publishers of the White book for Agnes wanted her songwriter friend (Blame McHugh) to adapt the story for a stage musical for Agnes with Agnes playing Katherin Kavitika, the spider. She really was excited about this possibility, so I was doing all the pitching and writing of the letters to the publisher, and to the songwriter.

This was all before the story “Charlotte’s Web” became an animated version by Hanna-Barbera in which Debbie Reynolds played the spider, and Agnes, the farmer’s wife. Don’t ever ask me what made me think of it, but I got it into my head that I would give Agnes a pig for her birthday. At first, it was one of those crazy fantasies that we all have from time to time, but the fantasy kept gnawing away at me, and before I knew it, from October until the 1st of December I had combed all of Southern California looking for a farmer who would be having baby pigs around the first week in December. It couldn’t be just any pig, but it had to have bright orange hair like Agnes’ hair.

I finally found a farmer up near Saugus, California who had just had several litter of pigs. When I saw this one little specimen who had the orangest hair and fur, I thought this is the pig for Agnes. Well, I told no one of my little idea, and proceeded to buy a pet-carrying container, and planned on how I would present this most unusual birthday gift to my heroine in a very respectful way for I was certain, she would appreciate the humor, thought, and time I took to do such a bold and daring thing (as others have accused me of since). Up until that Saturday noon no one knew what I was up to, so when I arrived at “Villa Agness,” I had to let Freddie and Polly in on my surprise birthday gift to Agnes.

I thought Polly would die of laughter, and Freddie seemed to get into the spirit of it too, for it was she who took pictures to document the event as I prepared this unusual gift. I took the pet cage with the pig in it, and had bought some lovely lavender paper, and started to gift wrap the container, at about the time, we expected Agnes to arrive from the hairdresser’s.

I left one end open so the pig could breathe, and when Polly alerted us that Agnes’ car was pulling into the driveway, I completed the wrapping, and put a shocking pink ribbon and bow which made it a lovely wrapped gift. All this we did on the patio of the courtyard. It was a lovely warm sunny day. Agnes went into the kitchen door as usual, and I went in to greet her, embraced, and gave her a birthday kiss, and she said, “Thank you, Joseph.” Freddy and Polly could hardly keep a straight face and then I asked her to come out on the patio, that I had a little gift for her. She seemed stunned and surprised because, as I said before, she never exchanged gifts at any time. When she saw the lovely lavender gift tied with the lovely shocking pink ribbon and a huge pink bow, she exclaimed, “How beautiful,” and really registered a childlike curiosity about the package. I asked her to sit down on one of the patio chairs, and brought the gift to her feet.

Now all this time, Freddy was standing nearby with my camera ready to record the entire event, and we both were holding our breaths, wondering why the pig hadn’t uttered even a sound, and hoping it wouldn’t. Well, slowly, Agnes began removing the lovely pink ribbon; ever so slowly as if to save it to be reused, then slowly she started to remove the lavender paper, very painstakingly breaking each piece of scotch tape at each place that I had used it. After what seemed like an eternity, she pulled the paper away from the container, and when she spotted this little red-haired pig, she let out a scream of delight that made the entire effort worth all the running around and trouble it caused me, worth it.

She had a lovely two piece red and white checkered suit on that day, and she looked very lovely, but that didn’t bother her a bit, she immediately opened that cage, and took that little piglet out, and on her lap it went and kept repeating in a wonderful half-laugh, half-singing high voice, “I can’t stand it, it’s wonderful, I don’t believe it!” Her maternal instinct showed very quickly, as she stroked and held that piglet just like a baby.

Agnes holding “Albert” like a loving mother

“Where did you ever find it?” she asked. “Isn’t he the cutest thing?”

I really had done something very special for Agnes, and I could tell this by the look in her eye when we exchanged glances. She thanked me and said it was one of the most wonderful birthday gifts she ever received. After playing around with the pig for some time, Freddie politely reminded her that she was to give a party in just a few short hours, and that she had better come in and get herself ready.

Agnes told Freddie or Polly to take the pig and put it up in her dressing room and let it run loose in there. I thought I would die when I heard this, but again, this was Agnes and she said we have to make sure “Albert” is comfortable. I don’t think Freddie or Polly could believe their ears either, and Polly was afraid of it, especially when it would grunt and squeal. After we got the pig settled, I helped Freddie and Polly do some odds and ends getting ready for the party, then I drove home to get showered, shaved, and all dressed up for the party for I had to be back at the house at about 4 P.M.

That particular year, Agnes had invited Tanya Hill, one of the girls who had been in Agnes’ acting class with me who was now acting as part-time secretary to Agnes and being at Agnes’ school each Saturday to collect the money and drive Agnes to school. That evening, both Tanya and I stayed on both sides of Agnes at the front door greeting the guests as they started to arrive. It was another lovely party with loads of name stars again.

Each year, some that weren’t there the year before would come and I was patiently waiting to meet Eve Arden and Carol Burnett, two of my favorite people and comediennes. The party was in full swing and it must have been around 6:30 or 7 P.M., and from time to time, Tanya and I would circulate through the crowds, to see if everything was going well, or if Freddie and Polly, who were checking coats, needed anything. Each year, Agnes invited the Beverly Hills High School Glee Club to carol during the evening, and this year was no different.

Agnes had a lovely red velvet Christian Dior gown on that night and looked radiant. I had gone to speak with Paul Lynde and Jim Nabors in the living room for a moment, and when I heard the carolers starting to sing, I went to look for Agnes, but did not find her at her position at the door. I thought, “I hope nothing has happened to her,” for she never—but NEVER—leaves that place in the foyer for the four hours duration of the party. The Glee Club was singing “Silent Night,” and as I worked my way through the crowd toward the foyer, I spotted the regally gowned Agnes leaning against one of the archways in the foyer, with a diaper-like cloth on her shoulder, and little Albert the pig cuddled very close to her. I almost dropped in my tracks. This was more than I could bear and it really choked me up. There was no end to surprises with the Lavender Lady. When I collected myself, I grabbed the photographer and had him take some pictures of Agnes and her new love, Albert, while the guests were just getting wind that Agnes was cuddling a real live baby pig much to their disbelief. It was one of the most poignant yet hilarious scenes watching the reactions of the guests, while Agnes was telling them all about her new charge and lecturing on the habits of piglets, etc.

After most of the guests had seen the pig, Agnes very carefully took Albert up to her dressing room and put him to bed. When she returned to her station at the foyer door, she looked as proud as a peacock, and I knew that she would be the talk of the movie columns the next day. Eve Arden and Carol Burnett both arrived late (after the pig showing) and when they found out what they had missed, they both had Agnes take them upstairs to see Albert. So Agnes left the door again and up she went with Eve and Carol.

They seemed to be upstairs quite a while, and while they were up there, Debbie Reynolds and her husband, Harry Karl arrived, and Agnes was not at the door to greet them. I remember Debbie being miffed, and I imagine was even more so when she realized that she had been upstaged by a piglet.

As the party began drawing to a close, Agnes asked me to again stay and to help Freddie and Polly secure the house as she was going out to dinner with a male companion who was visiting from Detroit and very fond of Agnes. Her last remark to Polly as she was leaving was to take care of Albert while she was out.

Agnes kept the pig in her dressing room until he started growing rather fast and I think both Polly and Freddie became very tired and refused to clean up the pig dirt in Agnes’ dressing room, so Albert was moved to the large dog pen in the back yard. Agnes had asked me to get in touch with an animal trainer so she could have Albert trained, for she promised me she would go shopping with Albert on a rhinestone-studded collar and leash in Beverly Hills. I am sure she would have done just that, but poor Albert contacted pneumonia and died about a month later and the Lavender Lady never got to carry out her promise.

Proud Mother Agnes with Quint showing-off her new piglet
charge to Christmas guests