My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me (38 page)

At the one year mark, we were having fewer heavy, painful talks, and more dates, fun and recreation. We spent time with good friends together and we went to the movies often. We were learning how to have an “affair” with each other, purposely creating the excitement of doing special things together.

Even so, at this point I was still unsure of the future. There were many difficult days, mostlyjust difficult inside myself, in my battle to overcome the painful emotions. I struggled with my self-esteem, and I was obsessive about my appearance.

Unfortunately, Lori’s words to me after I told her about the affair were still impacting my life in a negative way.
We need to work on your appearance,
she had said.

I struggled to get my heart to line up with logic and truth. Brian and I had discussed infinite times that this affair had not been about my appearance, and that he did not find Helen to be more attractive than me. Yet I was still behaving as though, if even once I was not prettier than all other women, he would have an affair again. I was afraid to wear sweatpants, and afraid to be seen by him without makeup on. It was a terrible way to live.

In this state of mind, I couldn’t even accept a donut from a box being passed around at my workplace. As far as I was concerned, that box full of donuts represented a box full of divorces. I equated the words “Would you like a donut?” with the words “Would you like a divorce?” I still had a long way to go.

In the summer of 2001 (just past the one-year mark), we headed back to Hinton, Alberta for a small holiday and visit with our good friends Pierre and Jackie Desportes. During this visit Jackie and I went for a long walk one day. I began to tell her of my fears regarding my appearance, how I feared that if at any point I were not able to keep up, Brian might leave me. I also shared with her the effort I was putting into “looking good” twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

I told her how many times I wished I wasn’t even married to Brian. I would rather just date him, I told her. Then I could just go home after work, kick my feet up and not worry about putting my best foot forward all the time. Then I would be more than happy to get dressed up and go on a date with Brian.

As crazy as these feelings and behaviors might sound, I have found these obsessions to be quite common with affair survivors. It is, as one woman put it, crazy making.

It was Jackie who stopped me in my tracks that day and explained the futility of my thinking. “Anne, no one in the world can live the way you are trying to live. It’s bondage. It’s a horrible way to live. No one can be their best all the time. And it is totally unnecessary,” she said. “I have known you and Brian now for sixteen years and I can honestly tell you that I have never seen a man who loves his wife as much as Brian loves you. You have nothing to worry about. If ever a woman has captured a man’s heart it is you who has captured Brian’s.

“Secondly, you are a beautiful woman. I don’t think I have known another woman who has maintained her appearance and figure so well, even though you are now forty years old. Brian doesn’t need, expect or want you to try to look perfect all the time. Besides if it were all about your appearance, don’t you think your relationship would

be too shallow? You have to get over this. This is no way to live.”

I was grateful to have a friend who understood and told me the truth. Because she knew Brian and me so well, her words had a great impact.

From this point forward, I was able to let go of my appearance obsession and be myself again. I started to relax, still taking care of my appearance, but because I wanted to and not because I felt I had to. I even wear sweatpants and no makeup in the house sometimes. And of course, Brian still loves me all the same.

With all this progress and healing, was I now confident about the future? Or did I wonder if things would work out with my marriage? The answer is emphatically, YES to the latter. I wondered, regularly, throughout the first two years following disclosure. I oscillated back and forth. It was a “two steps forward, one step back” journey all the way. One day I was confident, the next day I was leaving.

I actually seemed to go through a little mental circle quite regularly.

Phase 1-Things would not be going well or like I thought they should. The pain would be too great. So I would decide I didn’t love my husband anymore and had more dignity than to keep him after cheating on me. I would decide to leave my marriage.

Phase 2-I would begin to make plans to leave and figure out how to put myself and my children in the best possible situation. I was trying to be very smart and play my cards right, so I would not tell Brian while I was going through these mental gymnastics. I would be pretending all was well (probably acting nicer than usual, since I was acting). I would do the math and realize I could not afford to stay in our home, maintain our lifestyle, and all of the educational and other valuable opportunities our current lifestyle was providing our children. I would curse myself for allowing my husband to be the main provider for so many years. Even though I was doing well career-wise, it wasn’t well enough and I wished I had pursued further education.
Look what reward being a dedicated homemaker got me,
I thought,
betrayal!

I would also consider how I would care for my children both practically and emotionally. Brian (aside from having this affair) had always been an awesome father, and was continuing to make valuable contributions into their lives in spite of the problems we were having. I knew my kids were getting a lot from their relationship with their dad, which would not be the same if he lived elsewhere.

Phase 3-I would decide I would just continue to “pretend” for a little while, use my husband’s current support to springboard my career and get my degree, which I was working on, and enjoy his help with the children during this time. As soon as I was ready I would leave. I was faking it in our relationship for my own selfish benefit. In other words I was using him, but he deserved it.
Didn’t he? Look what he had done to me.

Phase 4-While I was faking it, Brian would do a few wonderful things. We would end up having some awesome times together. I would find the man inside of him to be very beautiful. I would regain my feelings for him and decide I loved him and wanted to stay with him after all.

Phase 1 (again)-After a little while something would go wrong for me emotionally again, and I would start over at phase 1.

During these two years, Brian never knew about my mental gymnastics. He was quite hurt later to realize this had been happening, but he understood. So there it is, the not-so-pretty truth concerning my regular thoughts about leaving, as I struggled to heal.

At two years, I was very near complete healing from the affair.

One day, I went hiking in the mountainous terrain of North Vancouver by myself. I took with me a pad of paper and a pen. Reaching a secluded spot alone by a raging river, I took out my pen and paper and wrote down all of Brian’s offenses against me, everything I felt angry and sad about, everything I could think of.

Then I confessed out loud, where no one but God could hear me, “I forgive you Brian for all of this and I am choosing to let it all go.”

Then I crumpled the paper up and threw it into the river. I watched for as long as I could see the paper, and then it was gone.

I had forgiven Brian. I only had one more battle to overcome. My new friend, Sadness, was still hanging around all the time. I just couldn’t seem to shake this unwelcome intruder from my life.

Then one day in November of 2002, I remember my friend, Sadness, left me, and he hasn’t been back since. I don’t miss him.

We had been attending another seminar, this one on money management principles. The seminar dealt with your inner unconscious thoughts and belief systems regarding money. Patterns of thinking we have developed from childhood, most of which warrant challenging. Amazingly enough, the biggest value I got from this seminar had nothing to do with money at all.

Both Brian and I grew leaps and bounds in our understanding of ourselves and each other. It’s hard to explain, but I suddenly came to realize that I am a very loveable person and therefore I will always have lots of love in my life. It might not always be Brian. It might not even be a man. It could be countless friends, family or adopted family members. Whoever it is, there will always be lots of love. Embracing this thought made me happy.

Although I would like to be guaranteed my future with Brian, no one in life can receive such a guarantee. No one can be guaranteed what all of the future decisions of another individual will be. In fact, no one can be guaranteed how many days they or anyone else will have on this earth. Therefore we must all learn the simple art of living in the present, without forgetting to plan for the future.

Should I stay or should I go?

If I go, I carry on with my life alone. I go through divorce. I take on most of the responsibility of raising my teenagers alone. I make significant financial and lifestyle changes. I may meet someone else, although I don’t think I even want to.

If I meet someone else that person also might have an affair one day.

Perhaps I can do what I want, when I want. I save a little pride perhaps, the “no one gets away with having an affair on me” mentality. But what do I really prove ? The one thing I gain by going (if I stay single) is to give up the risk.

I will never be betrayed again, for sure. I will never be hurt like that again, because I have now closed myself off to love. But then I must live without love.

If I stay, perhaps we work it out. It seems we already have. If I stay I may get to live with the man I really love for the rest of my life, my best friend, the father of my children and the one I have shared my youth and countless memories with. My children get to live with their father and I have help to raise them.

I have someone to make me coffee on Saturday mornings and someone to change the light bulbs (not that I couldn’t do it myself). He knows exactly what I mean when I mention the fight about a shirt in Phoenix, Arizona, the lightening storm in Atlanta, Georgia, or the Kahlua on a camping trip.

I have someone who comforts me when I’m sad and sets my thinking straight when my mind has formulated a problem which doesn’t actually exist. And if I choose to stay, have I not won, rather than lost, a tremendous personal victory ?

But whether I stay or whether I go, either way I can be happy or I can be sad. No one can make me happy. Only I can choose to be happy.

Happiness is not in the staying or in the going. Happiness is not in being married or in being single. Happiness is in me.

Brian has done all any man could ever do to make it up to me. And I still love him more than anyone else I have ever met.

I made the decision to stay. I fully recommitted myself to the relationship.

CHAPTER 24
The Rewards 

You ‘re Still The One

Looks like we made it

Look how far we’ve come my baby

We mighta took the long way

We knew we’d get there someday

They said, “I’ll bet they’ll never make it”

But just look at us holding on

We’re still together still going strong

You ‘re still the one I run to

The one that I belong to

You ‘re still the one I want for life

You ‘re still the one that I love

The only one I dream of

You ‘re still the one I kiss goodnight

Ain’t nothin’ better

We beat the odds together

I’m glad we didn’t listen

Look at what we would be missingg’

I’m so glad we made it

Look how far we’ve come my baby f

SHANIA TWAIN,
COME ON OVER

In July of 2001, we had finally saved up the down payment for our own home. We found a tremendous deal on a slightly older home that needed considerable work. Inspired by my friend Jackie who has a natural flare for transforming neglected homes into palaces; it had been a long time dream of mine to buy a fixer upper, and work together with Brian to make it our dream, and work we did.

The project is still not finished (are they ever?), but every room in that house, including our garden, is for me a tranquil oasis from the bustle of life. And each painted wall, each piece of trim, each little representation of the work of Brian’s hands reminds me that he loves me.

He renovated that house for me, because he wanted to make it up to me for the wrong he had committed. Symbolically, I suppose our marriage had also become a fixer upper, and now it was being transformed into a palace as well. Just like continuous improvements on our home, we will always be making improvements in our marriage. We are not finished with it either. The moment one thinks they have built the perfect relationship, and therefore stops working on it, one will find before long it has become nothing more than a neglected fixer upper.

In the months following our exciting move, we continued on like two people having an affair. Brian stunned me by giving me a diamond ring for my birthday. I didn’t need Brian to buy me a ring in order to forgive him, but he did it anyway. It was his way of expressing his love for me.