Mr. Tony Is Full of Baloney! (5 page)

Chapter 11
A Happy Ending

When we got home, the phone was ringing. My mom picked it up. She talked with somebody for a long time.

When she hung up, she said, “I just got some more bad news, A.J.”

“Your nose isn’t that bad,” I told her.

“Mr. Klutz is very angry about what happened,” she told me. “He says he’s not going to pay us for all that tomato sauce, cheese, and crust The Six Moms bought to make the pizza.”

“So?” I said.

“So my company is bankrupt,” Mom told me sadly. “The Six Moms is out of business.”

“Wait a minute,” I said. “If The Six Moms is out of business, that means . . .”

“It means I have to take you out of the after-school program,” she told me.

“Hooray!” I yelled. “I can watch TV again! Yippee!”

I was running around and jumping and going crazy. It was the greatest moment of my life.

I ran to the TV like I was in the Olympics. It had been so long since I watched TV that I almost forgot which remote control turned it on. Finally, I got the TV working. There was a man and a lady on the screen. Below their faces it said BREAKING NEWS! I turned up the volume.

“This just in,” the news lady said. “A crazy man in an ape costume jumped out of an airplane today over Ella Mentry School. He landed in an enormous pizza that was in the playground. It turns out the man was Mr. Klutz, the principal of the school. Can you believe anybody would do such a crazy thing?”

“I guess this Mr. Klutz is nuts!” said the newsman sitting next to her. “He’s just another pathetic person trying to get famous. Like that guy who said his son was in a hot-air balloon. It’s just so sad that people want to be famous so badly.”

“This story has a happy ending though,” the news lady said. “The crazy principal was rescued by Mr. Tony, the after-school program director of Ella Mentry School. He dived right into the pizza and pulled Mr. Klutz out before that nutty principal drowned in tomato sauce.”

“Mr. Tony is a
real
hero,” the newsman said, “like that pilot who landed the plane on the river in New York City. Mr. Tony is the one who deserves to be famous, not that crazy principal.”

“In fact,” the news lady said, “we understand that Mr. Tony will be writing a book about his life story that will be made into a movie. So I guess he will be famous when this is all over.”

Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe I’ll start liking asparagus. Maybe me and the guys will count some chickens before they hatch. Maybe my mom will get a new job as a brain surgeon. Maybe somebody will invent a homework machine. Maybe Mr. Klutz will grow some hair on his head. Maybe we’ll tunnel out of the school. Maybe pogo-juggling, egg-jogging, and pizza-wrestling will become Olympic sports. Maybe Mr. Tony will stop smoking chains. Maybe we’ll figure out why army guys say “Ten-hut.” Maybe Mr. Tony will take us boating. Maybe the sequel to Halloween will become a real holiday. Maybe Mr. Tony will break some other record to get into
The Guinness Book of World Records
.

But it won’t be easy!

About the Author

Dan Gutman
has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

Jim Paillot
lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

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Copyright

1.
What are you looking down here for? The story is up there, dumbhead.

2.
Why is it called an assembly? We don’t put anything together.

3.
Board games are boring. That’s why they’re called bored games.

4.
How did people come up with any ideas before the lightbulb was invented? Maybe candles appeared over their heads.

5.
British people always say “Chip chip cheerio.” Nobody knows why.

6.
But Ryan would. He’ll eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.