Mission: Earth "Voyage of Vengeance" (2 page)

Heller, Jettero-
Combatengineer and Royal officer of the
Fleet,
sent by order of the
Grand Council
on Mission Earth in order to save Earth from its own imminent self-destruction by pollution and nuclear holocaust. He is operating under the name of Jerome Terrance
Wister.
He was given the nickname
"Whiz Kid"
by J. Walter
Madison.

Hisst, Lombar-
Headof the
Apparatus
on
Voltar.
His plan to overthrow the Confederacy required sending Soltan
Gris
to sabotage Jettero
Heller's
mission.

Hot Jolt-
A popular Voltarian drink.

Hypnohelmet-
Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.

Inkswitch-
Phony name used by Soltan
Gris
when pretending to be a U. S. Federal official.

Invasion Timetable-
Aschedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of
Voltar's
government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.

Joy, Miss
-See the Countess
Krak.

Karagoz-
Turkish peasant, head of Soltan
Gris's
house in
Afyon
,
Turkey.

Knife Section-
ASection of the
Apparatus
named after its favorite weapon.

Krak, Countess-
Thesweetheart of Jettero
Heller.
On Earth, she is known by the name Heavenly Joy Krackle or
Miss Joy.

Line-jumper-
Smallspacecraft used by the Voltarian Army to lift and quickly move up to one hundred tons across battle lines.

Madison, J. Walter-
Firedfrom
F. F. B. O.
when his style of public relations caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by
Bury
to immortalize Jettero
Heller
in the media. Madison is also known as "J. Warbler Madman."

Magic Mail-
Apparatus
trick where a letter is mailed but won't be delivered as long as a designated card is regularly sent; used for blackmail, extortion or coercion.

Manco
-Home planet of Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak.

Manco Devil
-Mythological spirit native to
Manco.

Maysabongo-
Jettero
Heller
was made a representative of this small African nation. Izzy
Epstein
made some of Heller's businesses Maysabongo corporations.

Moam, Lissus
-Original name of the Countess
Krak.

Mudur Zengin-
Financial czar of the biggest banking chain in Turkey and handler of Soltan
Gris
's funds.

Musef-
A Turkish wrestling champ who, with his friend
Torgut,
was supposed to beat up Jettero
Heller
when he first arrived in
Afyon
but was instead defeated.

Narcotici, Faustino "The Noose"
-Head of a Mafia Family that is the underworld outlet for drugs.

Octopus Oil-
A Delbert John
Rockecenter
company that controls the world's petroleum.

Pinch, Miss
-Lesbian sadist and a Delbert John
Rockecenter
employee who lives with Candy
Licorice.

Psychiatric Birth Control-
DelbertJohn
Rockecenter-
funded plan to reduce the world's population by promoting homosexuality.

Pubiano de Copula, Dolores-
Shefiled suit against Jettero
Heller
(known as Jerome Terrance
Wister
and the
Whiz Kid)
seeking a divorce. She claims Wister married her in Mexico. She is represented by
Dingaling, Chase and Ambo.

Raht-
An
Apparatus
agent on Earth who was assigned by Lombar
Hisst
to help Soltan
Gris
sabotage Jettero
Heller's
mission; his partner
Terb
was murdered.

Rockecenter, Delbert John-
Nativeof Earth who controls all the planet's fuel, finances, governments and drugs.

Simmons, Miss
-An antinuclear fanatic who teaches at
Empire
University
.

Smith, John-
Analias that Soltan
Gris
uses.

Spiteos-
On
Voltar,
the secret fortress prison used by the
Apparatus.

Spread, Maizie-
She filed a paternity suit against Jettero
Heller
(known as Jerome Terrance
Wister
and the
Whiz Kid)
claiming that she is pregnant and Wister deserted her. She is represented by
Dingaling, Chase and Ambo.

Stabb, Captain-
Leaderof the
Antimanco
crew at the
Afyon
base.

Sultan Bey
-The Turkish name Soltan
Gris
assumes in
Afyon
,
Turkey.

Swindle and Crouch-
Lawfirm representing Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Switch, Toots-
Shesued Jettero
Heller
(known as Jerome Terrance
Wister
and the
Whiz Kid)
for adultery with Maizie
Spread.
She is being represented by
Dingaling, Chase and Ambo.

Tayl, Widow
-Nymphomaniac on
Voltar.

Teenie-
See
Whopper, Teenie.

Terb
-Murdered partner of
Raht.

Torgut
-A Turkish wrestling champ. (See
Musef.)

Twiddle, Senator
-U. S. congressional supporter of Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Twoey
-Nickname given to Delbert John
Rockecenter II.

Utanc
-A belly dancer that Soltan
Gris
bought to be his concubine slave.

Viewer
-See
Bugging Gear.

Voltar
-Home planet and seat of the 110-planet Confederacy that was established over 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the
Grand Council,
in accordance with the
Invasion Timetable.

Whiz Kid
-Nickname given to Jettero
Heller
by J. Walter
Madison.
Madison has someone playing the part to get publicity without Heller's consent. The phony "Whiz Kid" has buckteeth and a protruding jaw, wears glasses and looks nothing like Heller.

Whopper, Teenie
–Teen-ager who kept seducing Soltan
Gris.

Wister, Jerome Terrance
-Name that Jettero
Heller
is using on Earth. He is also known as the
Whiz Kid.

831 Relayer
-See
Bugging Gear.

To My Lord Turn, Justiciary of the Royal Courts and Prison, Government City, Planet Voltar, Voltar Confederacy

Your Lordship, Sir!

I, Soltan Gris, Grade XI General Services Officer, former Secondary Executive of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Voltar Confederacy (All Hail His Royal Majesty Cling the Lofty and the Lords of His Empire), am with all humility providing the seventh part of my confession.

It is at this point that I must detail the most heinous of all the crimes I committed while on MISSION EARTH.

Officially, I don't suppose there is a penalty for arranging the murder of a nonperson, such as the Countess Krak, or for witnessing the deaths of the scores of Earthlings who died that fatal day of my revenge. And while I have not looked in the Royal Codes for the penalty for arranging the murder of a Royal officer, such as Jettero Heller, I'm sure it must be severe.

What is important is that I tell you how it all came about so you can see that your decision to keep me in your fine prison is most warranted.

I was tricked into my polygamous marriage to Adora

Pinch and her "wife" Candy. That alone was enough to drive anyone to acts of violence. She even got me to marry her under one of my aliases-the one I used in Turkey, Sultan Bey. But then she had me perform with other lesbians to convert them from their psychiatrically endorsed sexual preference.

What I didn't understand was why this horror was happening to me. It was supposed to happen to Heller, not me!

J. Walter Madison, infamous public-relations man, had pulled every trick in the PR book to get front-page stories about how "Whiz Kid" Wister (Heller) had polygamously married Maizie Spread, Toots Switch and Dolores Pubiano de Copula. Madison had used a phony double of Heller/Wister everywhere to get news and had even arranged press photographs depicting Maizie and her swollen belly as the final proof of Heller's immoral sexual behavior.

Why would this recoil on me?

I even had the law firm of Dingaling, Chase and Ambo pursuing Heller with false lawsuits and arrest warrants to get Heller and Krak locked away in Bellevue Hospital-and what happened? Adora Pinch tricked
me
into marrying her
and
Candy and then / ended up being threatened with polygamy! That's not fair!

Why did it happen to me?

From the sound, sane, scientific pronouncements made by sound, sane, scientific authorities (especially the ones with doctors' degrees), I knew that there couldn't be any relationship between what was happening to me and what I was doing to Heller. Of course not. That's a ridiculous idea.

No, the bad things that happened to me were caused by Fate. Or by Heller. / definitely didn't cause any of it!

Everyone knows that man is just mud. They teach that in all the schools on planet Earth and you either agree to it or you flunk the course.

So everyone knows that man's just a bunch of stupid chemicals. He can't cause anything. Man has no conscience, no morality, no worth, and no meaning except what authority dictates.

Besides, what would happen if a person began to think he was responsible for his own condition?

What would happen if a person believed (even for a moment) that he wasn't just a bunch of chemicals?

Why, the next thing you know, people would be causing things! They wouldn't ask psychiatrists for opinions anymore! They'd believe they could make up their own minds! Authorities would be taken off government welfare and they'd have to get jobs just like everyone else! People wouldn't read Madison's newspapers anymore!

They'd see that it's all been a giant scam!

My Gods, that's dangerous!

Declare them insane! Stamp them out! Crush them!
Kill them! Kill them all! KILL! KILL!! KILL!!!

Whew! There.

I feel better.

Where was I?

Oh, yes, I remember. I was telling you how sane I am because I know from psychiatric authorities that I am just a bunch of chemicals and that I am not responsible for anything bad that happens to me.

After all, it was Adora Pinch Bey who brought the lesbians in for me to convert with my sexual performances.

I remember one more clearly than all the rest-Teenie Whopper, that fifteen-year-old, bubble-gum-chewing devil with her supply of Neo Punk Rock records and drugs. Always wanting pictures taken. Always offering me one drug after another. "Here, Inky, take a puff of this," she'd say. What was I supposed to do?

She even got me to give her five thousand dollars so she could take lessons from some Hong Kong whore. I was willing to pay anything to get her out of my life.

After all, my purpose was to destroy Krak and Heller so Rockecenter's drugs would flow back to Voltar so Lombar Hisst could overthrow the Empire so he could slaughter all the riffraff. That's sane, right?

I just had to work out a way to do it.

Thanks to the audio-optical bugs I had had implanted in Heller's and Krak's skulls, I knew everything they saw and heard. It was not easy when I watched Krak buy the yacht
Golden Sunset
on my Squeeza credit card. She sailed it out into the Atlantic somewhere and then left Heller on it as a virtual prisoner, alone except for Captain Bitts and his crew.

And what did Krak do? Did she do something harmless like teaching that Mr. Calico cat of hers some new trick? No! I watched her in my viewer as she set out on the trail of those three poor, innocent girls, Maizie Spread, Toots Switch and Dolores Pubiano de Copula. Using her stage skills, Krak disguised herself and managed to get the address of their apartment, and then she was off to kill them! Oh, what a fiend! All those poor girls had done was lie to the courts and then to the press, who printed the story about Heller in such a way that nationally enquiring minds would believe it. What's wrong with that?

When I saw that Krak was on their trail, I quickly notified the law offices of Dingaling, Chase and Ambo so the shabby man in the shabby coat could serve the papers and get her locked away. Ambo put the armed

Eagle Eye Security guards on the alert with orders to shoot her on sight, for there was a fifty-thousand-dollar reward on Krak's head-dead or alive.

I thought I could relax because I also had one other trump card: Dr. Phetus P. Crobe.

As a cellologist, Crobe had the skills to create any conceivable monstrosity, any mixture of man and beast, and back on Voltar he had drooled at the thought of manipulating Heller's cellular structure.

And Crobe had acquired one other talent since his arrival on Earth: he had absorbed the best of psychiatric theory and was now held in high esteem at Bellevue. Since he was also equipped with optical and audio bugs, I was able to monitor his progress as the very model of the man-is-mud authority.

But it was Krak that I was really worried about. I pulled her viewer closer to figure out where she was.

All I needed was her location and she was dead!

Anxiously I watched. But Krak's viewer did not tell me much. Unaccountably, she was looking at a bunk and a stack of clothes. It was a very small space. I couldn't figure out how she had gotten there! One minute she was in the dark alley. The next minute she was in this space. Weird! Nerve-wracking.