Learning to Fall (26 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Daniel

Before I lost my nerve, I went immediately to the dean. He was in a meeting, but when I had his secretary tell him it was an emergency he excused himself and met me in his office. An average sized man with a ruddy complexion, grey hair, and serious brown eyes, he gestured for me to sit. Too anxious to remain in one place, I told him I’d like to stand. And then in short, halting sentences, I told him everything else.

I started from the beginning and I told him everything, leaving out only the parts I didn’t feel he needed to hear. Parts that belonged solely to me and Daniel.

He listened attentively, his expression carefully composed. Every once in a while he asked me to repeat myself, but mostly he remained silent which somehow only made it all the more difficult. It wasn’t until I revealed what I’d seen in John’s office that he showed any hint of emotion.

His gaze intent on mine, he asked me only one question when I was finally finished.

“Are you absolutely certain you want me to know everything you’ve just told me, Professor Finley?”

I knew what he was asking, and I knew what my response needed to be. Teaching was something I did, but it didn’t define me. Daniel had taught me that. And if I was let go, I could always find another job. Jobs were replaceable but Daniel…Daniel was not. I only hoped my realization - and my subsequent confession - hadn’t come too late. “Yes.” I took a deep breath.  “I am.”

“Very well. Thank you for being so forthcoming. If there’s nothing else-”

“Are you going to fire me?” I blurted. “I’m sorry,” I said immediately as my cheeks turned bright red. “I know it’s inappropriate to ask, but I would rather know now than later.” 

The dean regarded me calmly. “Why would you be fired, Professor Finley?”

“For - for having a relationship with a student.”

He lifted a white, woolly brow. “Did this relationship occur when the student was underage?”

“No, of course not, but-”

“Did this relationship take place within campus grounds?”

“No. Well,” I amended, “we did hold hands. But it only happened once, and no one else was around.”

“Do you intend to resume this relationship?”

“Yes. Wait.” Stunned, I stared at the dean for five full seconds of shocked silence before I finally croaked, “What did I just say?”

Looking vaguely amused, he said, “Yes, Professor Finley, you said yes. And to answer your question, no. Your employment here at Stonewall will not be terminated due to a past
or
future relationship with Mr. Logan. Who is due, if I am not mistaken, to graduate this summer. That being said,” he added sternly, “I must ask you to refrain from any public displays of affection while on campus. Including, but not limited to, holding hands.”

Was the dean
smiling
at me? I couldn’t be certain, but after having been given the one answer I’d never expected in a million years I wasn’t about to stick around and wait for the dean to come to his senses and change his mind. “Thank you, Dean Biehl. I - thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome, Professor Finley. Meredith will see you out.”

Feeling as though I was walking on a cloud, I left the dean’s office…and went to find Daniel.

* * * * *

I made it two feet inside of Swordfish before I lost my nerve.

The bar was busy for a Thursday afternoon. People crowded around the tables and filled almost every stool at the bar, drowning their work week sorrows in pints of Samuel Adams and Guinness. I didn’t immediately see Daniel, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t working. He could have easily been in the back changing a keg or in the kitchen delivering an order. If I left now he wouldn’t even know I’d been here. If I left now I wouldn’t have to see the hatred in his eyes that had been haunting my dreams. If I left now I wouldn’t have to face the consequences of my actions. Actions that had been spurred by anxiety and fueled with fear.

Fear of failing.

Fear of deviating from the path I’d set out for myself.

Fear of finally stepping out over the ledge…and jumping off into the unknown.   

Coward
, I told myself even as I turned around and headed straight for the door.
You’re a coward, Imogen Finley.
Heart in my throat, I reached for the brass doorknob...

“Imogen! Wait.”

At the sound of Daniel’s voice a myriad of emotions washed over me.

Excitement.

Shame.

Desire.

Embarrasment.

Happiness.

Dismay.

I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t face him. Not after the way I had ended things between us.

But the new Imogen could.

I turned slowly. So slowly that by the time I was once again facing the bar Daniel was halfway to me. I drank in the sight of him, gaze lingering on his face. On his piercing grey eyes and his strong, square jaw and the flat line of his mouth. A mouth that had kissed me and teased me and made me feel things I hadn’t even known were possible
to
feel.

Some of the greatest love novels ever written spoke of soulmates. I’d never believed in them myself. In this entire, vast planet populated by over seven billion people, how could one person be singularly destined to be with another? It wasn’t logical. It wasn’t sensible. But standing here, studying the face of the man I loved beyond all reason, I finally knew the truth.

Love wasn’t
meant
to be logical.

It wasn’t meant to be sensible.

And that’s what made it so beautiful. 

“Hi,” I whispered as Daniel lifted his head and met my gaze. For a split second I thought he would grin his old, familiar grin. For a split second I thought he would draw me against his chest and tip my chin up for a kiss. For a split second, I selfishly thought all would be forgiven. But then he stopped short, and the temporary surge of hope I’d felt plummeted to the bottom of my stomach.

“Why are you here, Imogen?”

Intensely aware that everyone had stopped what they were doing and were now staring at us, I shifted my weight from foot to foot with absolutely no idea what I was supposed to say now. This wasn’t planned. It wasn’t practiced or rehearsed. It was real. It was raw. It was everything I’d been hiding from my entire life.

But I couldn’t hide anymore.

I
wouldn’t
hide anymore
.

Not from Daniel, and not from myself.

Drawing my shoulders back, I met him stare for stare. “I came to see you.”

“Why?” he said flatly.

“Because I love you.”

His nostrils flared. “Imogen, I told you-”

“No,” I said, cutting him off. “I have something I want to say.”

“Let her talk!” someone yelled from the back of the bar.

“Speech!” another person quipped.

I took a deep breath. In all my wildest dreams, I’d never imagined I would have to apologize to the man I loved in a crowded bar filled with strangers. But then, that was the point Daniel had been trying to make all along. Life wasn’t something you could plan or prepare for. Life couldn’t be scheduled. Life wasn’t perfect. You took what it gave you and sometimes, if you were very, very lucky, it gave you exactly what you needed.

“I went to the dean this afternoon,” I began, carefully watching Daniel’s face for any glimpse of a reaction. “And I told him about us.”

Daniel’s entire body stiffened. “Imogen, why would you-”

“I told him about us,” I continued, “because I made a mistake. A mistake I’ve been regretting every day, every
hour
, for three months. You were right, Daniel. You were right all along. I made the wrong choice. I made the wrong choice and I came here to tell you…” I hesitated as my gaze swept past him to the two dozen or so people watching us with bated breath, their faces bright with expectation. “I came here to tell you - in front of all these strangers - that I love you. I love you, Daniel Logan. I’m sorry I couldn’t say it when you needed to hear it most, but I’m saying it now.” My voice broke. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I forced myself to continue. To give Daniel the words he deserved. Words I’d kept trapped inside of me for far too long. Words that I was ready, at long last, to set free. “Meeting you was never part of my plan. Falling in love with you was never part of my plan. Which is why I’m ready to change it. Because I
did
meet you and I
did
fall in love with you and now I can’t imagine a plan where we’re not together.”  

I watched his expression change. From anger to confusion. From confusion to disbelief. From disbelief…to love. Because love
was
something you could see, and right now Daniel and I were both glowing with it.

In three strides he had me in his arms. The entire bar erupted in cheers as he swung me around. With a gasp, I grabbed his shoulders.

“I’m sorry it took me so long!” I yelled, forced to raise my voice to be heard above the crowd.

After one final swing, Daniel set me down on my feet, but he didn’t let me go. While people continued to whoop and yell and clap, he bent his head and in a whisper only I could hear he said, “You were worth the wait, little fox. You were always worth the wait.”

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This novel has taken more out of me than anything else I’ve ever written and I know that without the support of my family and friends I never would have been able to do it. So without further adieu, I want to express all of my love and gratitude to my parents for not freaking out when I said I was going to quit my job and become a writer, to Thea for her amazing motivational skills, to Michele for her support (and for being the first person to buy one of my paperbacks!), to Aga for making me laugh, to all my furchildren for making me smile and keeping me company during the day, to Valentina for always being an honest (and amazing) critic, and finally to Craig. Thank you for changing my plan…and my life. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Writer, reader, and animal lover, Jillian Eaton grew up in Maine and now resides in Pennsylvania. When she isn’t writing Jillian is doing her best to keep up with her three very mischievous dogs. She also has two horses, an off the track thoroughbred named Darwin and a belgian x halflinger named Poppy. Some of Jillian’s favorite authors include Judith McNaught, Lisa Kleypas, Kresley Cole, JK Rowling, Nora Roberts, and Jane Austen. She loves staying up late finishing a really great book, eating the really-bad-for-you popcorn at the movies, coffee, anything sci-fi related, and watching old episodes of Charmed. She isn’t too fond of alarm clocks, any type of spicy food, or heights. Jillian can always be reached via email or Facebook and loves to hear from her readers.

[email protected]  

NOVEL OUTTAKES

For one reason or another, these excerpts didn’t make the cut into the final novel, at least not in their entirety. This happens quite often in the editing process, but that doesn’t mean they can’t still be enjoyed!

Excerpt #1

Daniel turned. For some inexplicable reason his expression was guarded, his shoulders tensed, and his jaw clenched, as though he was bracing for something. “Yes?”

The sudden change in him - hardness where they had been gentleness, ice where there had been warmth - threw me off guard. “Why…why did you come here this morning? You could have just called or texted me.”

At my question, his entire countenance visibly softened. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“No.” I slowly shook my head. “Not to me.”

“You were the first person I thought of when I woke up this morning and you were the first person I wanted to see, even if it was only for a little while.” His eyes narrowed. “We may not know each other as much as you would like, but that means something, Imogen. What I felt this morning - what I feel right now -
means
something and what you feel for me, whether you admit it or not, means something too. Our feelings may not be logical or sensible, but that doesn’t make them any less valid.”

My lips parted, but no words came out. I had no words to give, not when deep down in my heart, in my
soul
, I knew Daniel was right.

Excerpt #2

“Hi!” I said, slanting a hand across my brow to block out the gleam from the early morning sun. Dressed in a light green windbreaker and khaki shorts, Daniel looked handsome as ever. He hadn’t shaved since yesterday, and a thick shadow of dark brown bristle clung to his chin and jawline. When I spoke his head lifted, and the slow, steady smile that claimed his mouth did gooey things to my insides. 

“Hi yourself.” He reached me in three long strides and kissed me without hesitation, lips settling warmly on mine as he drew me against his chest, arms slipping around my body. “You look ready to go.”

“I-I hope I’m dressed appropriately. I’ve never gone hiking before, so I wasn’t really sure…” I trailed off as his hands dipped lower, unable to maintain a coherent train of thought as he gave my bottom a playful squeeze and nuzzled my neck, beard scraping against my sensitive skin.

“You look perfect,” he murmured. 

“Really?” I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. After trying on countless outfits, I’d finally settled on a black fleece pullover, long sleeved shirt, navy blue shorts, and running sneakers. I couldn’t remember the last time I had put so much thought into my attire. “Because I was doing some research online, and the temperature variables this time of year are hard to predict at certain altitudes. How high is the summit of Mt. Battie?”

“No idea,” Daniel said easily.

“You don’t know? But how-”

“It will be fine, Imogen. We’re not climbing Everest. You’re going to have fun. I promise.” He skimmed his fingers through my sensible ponytail and tugged gently on the end. “Is there anything you need to grab before we go? I have water, sunscreen, and trail mix in the car. I’m bringing a backpack, so I’ll just carry it all with me.”

I thought of the small cooler sitting on the kitchen counter. I’d packed it to the brim with water bottles, energy bars, gatorade, bananas, and apples. I had even managed to squeeze in a miniature first-aid kit. In light of what Daniel had brought, it now sounded like exactly what it was: ridiculous. He was right. We weren’t climbing Mt. Everest, and I needed to calm down. I knew my anxiety had little to do with the hike and everything to do with being alone with Daniel. We would be going up the mountain as one thing…and coming down as something else. What that something was - boyfriend? lover? friend? - I didn’t know, but I
did
know a first-aid kit wasn’t going to help.

“No,” I said with a quick shake of my head. “I think I’m ready.”

Daniel’s dimple flashed as he grinned. “Are you sure?”

I drew a breath. “Positive.”

“Then let’s go.”

Excerpt #3

“You’re more skittish than normal, little fox,” Daniel said huskily, his warm breath fanning across my cheek. It smelled like peppermints. “I promise I’m not taking you into the woods to eat you.”

“I - I hope not.” Twisting, I gazed up at him. He really did have the most piercing eyes. In the dappled sunlight they were neither gray nor blue, but a distinct combination of the two that seemed to change color from one moment to the next. “It’s just…I have never done anything like this before.”

His head canted to one side, a faint smile lifting one corner of his mouth. “Anything like what?”

“Like
this
.” I gestured towards the trail with a vague sweep of my arm. “Whatever it is we’re doing here. I’ve only dated one other man.” Oh God. Why did I say that?
Stop talking, Imogen. Stop talking this minute!
“We were very suitable for one another and his motives were clear from the beginning. I knew - I always knew precisely what to expect. But with you…with you I don’t know
what
to expect or why you would ever be interested in me and - and it’s making me feel crazy.”
Not to mention
act
crazy!
Beyond embarrassed, I bit back a wince and crossed my arms, unconsciously drawing in on myself.
Why
couldn’t I act like a normal person? Why was it so hard for me to shut my brain off and ‘go with the flow’, as Whitney had instructed me to do?

His face devoid of all expression, Daniel adjusted his backpack, hitching the straps higher on his shoulders. I waited for him to say something - to say
anything
- and when he didn’t my embarrassment increased tenfold, bringing a dull flush to my cheeks and pang of dismay to my chest. Courtesy of my insecurities and self-doubt, I was ruining everything before it even had a chance to begin.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered miserably.

He stared at me, grey eyes serious and unblinking. “For what, Imogen?” 

“For saying what I did. We came here to learn more about one another, and I shouldn’t have started off by bringing up a past relationship.”

Something flickered in the depths of his brooding gaze, there and gone again before I could decipher what it was. “Did you love him?”

Had I loved Justin? “No,” I replied honestly. “We were very compatible and he was very kind, but I never loved him.”
At least not in the way I think I could love you.

The thought, unbidden and completely unprovoked, stunned me into temporary speechlessness.

Did
I love Daniel?

No. Not yet. But could I?

Yes. Yes I could.

Excerpt #4

I saw his pupils dilate with surprise before my eyes flickered closed, lashes sweeping across the top of my cheeks. He held perfectly still, allowing me to control the kiss, although I felt the betraying rigidity beneath his stillness that betrayed just how hard he was struggling to maintain control. It shouldn’t have pleased me that I had such a strong affect on him, but it did. And because it did, I took my time, moving my lips across his with a purposeful slowness that dragged a pained moan from the depths of his throat.

When I brought my hands to his chest he groaned again. When my fingertips began to descend, gliding across his pectorals and down to the taut muscles of his abdomen he stopped breathing all together.

He rasped my name and I stopped, hiding my own growing arousal behind an innocent smile. Who knew I, Imogen Finley, was capable of being a temptress? I certainly hadn’t. Yet Daniel’s hard erection pressing against my left hip was more than enough proof that I could. 

“Yes, Daniel?” I blinked up at him. With a low, husky laugh he rested his forehead against mine and wrapped his arms around my back, drawing me against his chest.

“Are you trying to kill me?” he murmured against my hair.